Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell the man if you knew he wasn't the father?

53 replies

MsLydia · 10/08/2012 10:58

Or would you keep out of it?

Not about another thread but inspired by it. If you knew that a man was bringing up a child who wasn't his but he believed the child was would you tell him? Or would you think it was between the couple and keep quiet?

OP posts:
Dahlen · 10/08/2012 10:59

The thing is, you can't possibly know for sure unless you are the mother (and possibly not always then). I would keep well out of it.

headisintheshed · 10/08/2012 11:01

You cant possibly know for sure. Keep out.

mayaswell · 10/08/2012 11:03

But why would you?
Who would benefit?

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 10/08/2012 11:04

How could you possibly 100% know who the father of someone else's child is?

floranora · 10/08/2012 11:05

if i knew 100% then yes i would.

SoleSource · 10/08/2012 11:06

No I would not. None of my beeswax.

crazygracieuk · 10/08/2012 11:06

I would if I could be the real father.

Original poster
MsLydia · 10/08/2012 11:09

Oh I'm not saying I'm going to say anything. I'm not at all.

The mother of the child told a few of us at a get together several years ago.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2012 11:10

I can think of no good reason to tell him. It would rip the family to pieces. I would not want that on my conscience.

Original poster
MsLydia · 10/08/2012 11:10

I should add that although I know her from school I have never met her dh.

OP posts:
PeazlyPops · 10/08/2012 11:10

How could you possibly know? Stay out of it!

My DBIL and his wife had IVF recently, using donor sperm. They've only told family. DBIL's "friend" took him to one side recently and told him he doesn't think his son is his, because he looks nothing like him. DBIL was devastated, he wanted to keep it quiet. No good can come of interfering, no matter how well intentioned.

PeazlyPops · 10/08/2012 11:11

X posted, didn't see you explain how you knew.

Maybe he knows as she's told him, but he wants to keep up the pretence?

CaveJohnson · 10/08/2012 11:13

I wouldn't. I'd possibly silently disapprove but it would serve no purpose to tell him.

All it would do was devastate every member of the family, break up a relationship and possibly ruin the relationship between the father and child, leaving a child fatherless. I'd rather keep quiet than be the reason something like that happened.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 10/08/2012 11:13

Someone in my life 'knew for a fact' that my DP is not my DDs 'real' father. Told many people there were 4 possible canditates. wish the bastards would pay me maintainance

Funny as I have only ever slept with my DP since I met him. Luckily he and I both know the truth.

Don't butt in. None of your business.

HandMadeTail · 10/08/2012 11:15

Agree it's none of your business.

He may well know/suspect. They may have discussed it together, and decided that they wouldn't make it generally known.

Lots of fathers knowingly bring up other men's biological children (where the parents have split up etc). There is no reason why they shouldn't do as good a job, as the "real" father.

And you could be wrong, anyway. Children don't always look like their parents. Someone I knew had two children who looked very similar, although they had different fathers. The second child looked just like his father.

MrsHoarder · 10/08/2012 11:18

Your friend has forgotten something: 2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

As she told you, I'd seriously consider telling the partner. You're likely to be down a friend, but someone with an attitude that relaxed to both loyalty and honesty may not be a great friend anyway.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/08/2012 11:19

What makes you think he doesn't already know?

titchy · 10/08/2012 11:21

If he is bringing up the child he IS the father. End of.

CherryBlossom27 · 10/08/2012 11:22

If it was me I'd keep well out of it. Unless the man was my brother, then I'd try to find out what was going on!

eurochick · 10/08/2012 11:24

I would think he already knows. New babies look like their dads. As children grow there is usually some sort of resemblance to both parents. If he is still in the role of the child's dad, I would think it is becase he wants to be.

caramelwaffle · 10/08/2012 11:25

Excellent point titchy.

Whatmeworry · 10/08/2012 11:27

Interesting difference between this and affairs, where the consenus is usually "yes, the X needs to know".

Whatmeworry · 10/08/2012 11:28

Sorry, X here = woman/man who is being cheated on.

DilysPrice · 10/08/2012 11:31

The only way you'd normally know this is if she's your close friend and he's not in which case it's not your responsibility to tell him, or you hear it second hand in which case you shouldn't repeat it, or you hear from an HCP in which case you should definitely not repeat it.

The only circumstances in which I would say something would be if (hypothetically) my DSIL got blind drunk and told me in person (or I overheard her tell someone else) that DN was not DB's child. At that point my responsibility to tell DB what I knew would trump everything else. Let's face it, in the modern medical age it's highly unlikely that this sort of thing will stay a secret forever - there's all sorts of tests that might reveal it, and at that point I'd be in big trouble if I'd known but not told him.

tara0202 · 10/08/2012 11:32

I'd stay well.out of it. None of my.business. if he doesn't know, though, i think.the mother should tell him. A terrible lie (if it is one) for him and the dc.