Would you tell the man if you knew he wasn't the father?

[MsLydia]

Or would you keep out of it?

Not about another thread but inspired by it. If you knew that a man was bringing up a child who wasn't his but he believed the child was would you tell him? Or would you think it was between the couple and keep quiet?

Fwiw if it was family or friend that was being cuckolded like this I'd tell them. This is the sort of thing that pople really do need to know from good friends.

Since the mother is happily telling people it serves her right if it gets out.

I feel the child has the right to know who her biological father is. All this "he is bringing her up, he is the dad" is not all there is.

My father is a feckless dick but it has still been very important to me that I know who is half me.

If she's telling people from school that she hardly knows then chances are it's not that well guarded a secret and she's told others too, it's probably got back to him already if she's not told him by now.

JustFabulous The OP says the mother said something several years ago.

The father is likely to know by now if she is so indiscreet amongst so many people. And yet he is still bringing up t/his child.

Why, several years down the line has this suddenly pricked the conscience of the Op - who has never even met the husband. Having not met the husband, how is it known whether he is aware of the facts (if they are infact true)

x-post with Pedantic

Keep quiet.

We have a close friend who is not his father's biological son. It's an open secret, he doesn't look like his father, but looks like the married man his mother had an affair with. He has a relationship with his father, but not the biological father (who is also married with children).

I understand one of his half brothers told him, during an argument, when our friend was in his mid 20s.

His mum and dad already had three children together, when his mum had the affair, and his dad decided to patch up the marriage and bring the son up. I'm not sure his Dad knew when his son was born, but he found out.

These days our friends parents are both in their 70s and very happily married. My FIL said the affair was common knowledge, and it was soon apparent who the father was.

I know someone that this happened to. I know 100% that the child is not his, as does his wife (well, now ex wife but not related to that), but I have never said anything.

While I dont feel that his wife should have done that, it is him and the child that will suffer not her. I know who the real father is and he is a waste of space and the child has had a much better upbringing without him in her life.

No op, when a man has an affair, the wife has to know so she can clean the bastard out. When a woman has a kid by someone else, particularly someone not too well off, keep it on the qt in case she loses her meal ticket. Them's the rules...

yes, there are circumstances under which I would tell the man what I had been told.

If he was a family member, for example. Or a close friend. If they had split up and she was claiming a child was his that wasn't and I knew that he believed that the child was his.

I could not say "this child is not yours" but I could say that the woman told me, X and Y, at such and such a place on such and such a date - that the child was not his. And let him do what he wanted with that information.

interesting concept currently my sil is about three months pregnant [hastwo older children from previous relationship] she has had two relationships in a relativley short space of time both overlapped she is claiming current boyfriend [ the overlapper ] to be father but i,m not surehow she can be certain but then frankly non of my buissness so would nt get involved as i know neither man.

I was in this situation a few years ago and kept quiet the dad found out when the child was 4 it was heart breaking he was absolutely distraught I always regretted not telling him earlier

I think I would go ask the priest if it was a sin to keep quiet. I think it might be because:

• The child should have a chance to know his real dad's medical history.
• The child deserves to know who his real dad is. He just does.

My dad has a client this has happened to, and the child is 5 or 6. The man is obviously devastated, and reacted very badly (but wouldn't most people?)

He is suing the mother for return of all of the money he gave her to support the child - clothes, childcare, medical bills, nursery furniture etc which he feels was taken from him under false pretences. He hasn't seen the child since and neither have his family. I think he has forbidden them to see the kid (but I could be confusing the story with one on MN a while ago).

I understand his shock, grief and anger at this level of betrayal, but I also feel deeply sorry for the child who has lost Daddy and Granny and Grandad and is too young to understand what happened, and for the grandparents who have had their much-loved first grandchild turn into a stranger's bastard, and have no rights at all to ever see the child again.

The end result of saying something and destroying a family and then being wrong is not worth it for me. I would not say anything. Also a dad is someone who cares for the child not just dna.

Sperm donation, mentioned up thread, is a totally different matter. The couple there both know the score and are keeping something private just that. However, I don't think you should say anything unless you are prepared to deal with potentially breaking up a family. The secret will come out, they always do, which is why openness within the family is the only good long term approach, IMO. But that's their choice to make, not yours.

I would say something ONLY if it was my son or brother and then I would have to be 100%, without any doubt positive that it was true before speaking.

If it was a friend then I would stay out of it. I know of 2 couples that this has happened to and the husband has actually known but chose to stay quiet and raise the child as his own as if it is his biological child. Another friend tried to broach the subject with one of them and it all blew up into a row and ended that friendship.
Another couple got together when mum was pregnant or just after birth, Dh took on the twins as his own and up until around 5/6 years ago (haven't had contact since then so don't know but they're in their early 30's now) the twins still believed this man was their biological parent. Right or wrong that's what they decided to do and it had caused a lot of arguments and fall outs within the family, over the years, by people poking their noses in.

What I'm saying is, really it's not your business to tell and you could very well get a "shoot the messenger" reaction if indeed he does already know.

A relative of mine has a baby with her long term partner. To her family the child is his.

The rest of the town where she lives know that she was sleeping around while her partner was at work. So no one was surprised that the baby looked remarkably like one of her male friends.

It has finally been confirmed by DNA. Her partner is still with her as she is pregnant again, and brings the child up as his own.

He also has threatened to kill the bio dad, who wants access to his child.

The families still dont know. And more importantly, the child will probably never know.

Its sad. It really breaks my heart. But really its not my place to say anything.

@CaveJohnson you'd "possibly silently disapprove"?!? of which bit ?!

to all those saying that they would tell.

If the family breaks up, the "father" will lose all rights to seeing the child if the mother is that way inclined.

Personnally I would tell him, it will only take a DNA test to proove one way or the other.

should be *wouldn't tell

I agree that children deserve to know the truth of their biology, but they also deserve to have loving parents regardless of how they are related. there's no reason that a man who holds himself out as a father can't also have rights to the child, if he's played a significant part in raising the child. This is actually the CHILD's right, for loving caregivers.

Where I live non-biological parents (male or female) who raise a child and hold themselves out as a parent have the ability to get visitation if the couple break up.

In this situation, I'm not sure you're right to gossip overrides the family's right to decide how this is going to come out. Because it will come out. Perhaps you should ask the mom if her DH knows?
Something like this happened to me when I was 12, a friend's mom told me the truth, and I can tell you, I didn't appreciate her for that at all.

I agree that children deserve to know the truth of their biology, but they also deserve to have loving parents regardless of how they are related. there's no reason that a man who holds himself out as a father can't also have rights to the child, if he's played a significant part in raising the child. This is actually the CHILD's right, for loving caregivers.

Where I live non-biological parents (male or female) who raise a child and hold themselves out as a parent have the ability to get visitation if the couple break up.

In this situation, I'm not sure you're right to gossip overrides the family's right to decide how this is going to come out. Because it will come out. Perhaps you should ask the mom if her DH knows?
Something like this happened to me when I was 12, a friend's mom told me the truth, and I can tell you, I didn't appreciate her for that at all.

Argh! sorry for the double posting!

If a women has the right to leave a marriage/relationship if a man has an affair. Shouldn't the man be accorded the same right? especially if the baby involved may not be his?