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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give this wedding a miss despite having accepted the invitation?

30 replies

Arachnophobic · 10/08/2012 01:42

Have known the bride for about 4 years. Got relatively close I guess through the kids but never best of friends. I offered to organise her hen do and she later asked me to do it, fine.

At the hen do she turned into someone our mutual friends didn't recognise. She got extremely drunk and abusive to several people in our group, our taxi driver got called a c@nt, and when we were separated at the end of the night she sent me a rude text.

No apology the next day, nothing. I was off with her and went home. We were due to leave that day anyhow. I have distanced myself since then. Seen her briefly out and about but haven't socialised.

We all have too much to drink sometimes it was the lack of apology/acknowledgement of her behaviour that it got my goat.

Also the wedding list annoys me - I personally have no problem with a wedding list but gift examples are an upgrade to her and the groom's transatlantic flights for the honeymoon.

So, AIBU to develop a mystery illness and not attend? My Grandma thinks that would be wrong, but I welcome the MN jury views.

OP posts:

doinmummy · 10/08/2012 01:44

Would it cause problems for you in the future if you dont go ?

Are you bothered about staying friends with her?

If not, then I would cry off.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 10/08/2012 01:45

Our paths will still cross through nursery and our youngest DC, but no I am not bothered about the friendship.

OP posts:

Ratata · 10/08/2012 01:51

Is it possible she doesn't remember the bad parts of the night? If she was wasted then it's a possibility. Not an excuse for being rude and horrible but a reason for why she's not apologised.

I probably wouldn't go to the wedding. Sounds like the friendship isn't too important to you (which is fair enough).

Bigwheel · 10/08/2012 07:40

Maybe she can't remember what she said / done? If you left the hen night early, as your post implies, did you say your goodbyes? Maybe just leaving was a bit out of order, perhaps as a friend you should have been getting her glasses of water and a kebab? I would be interested to hear the full story. If you decide not to go to the wedding you should do the decent thing and let her know at least a few weeks in advance. Don't make up some 'sickness' excuse, it's pretty see though and easy to be be caught out on.

JumpingThroughHoops · 10/08/2012 07:51

If you don't want to go, it's only polite to decline.

You don't have to give a reason. If pressed cite 'family circumstances'

EmilieFloge · 10/08/2012 07:53

I think she sounds like she really blew it - not you. You say no one recognised her, from the way she was behaving.

Has anyone got any idea what caused this behaviour - do any of the girls know her very closely, perhaps something is going very wrong in her life.

It's not an excuse for how she was but might be worth digging a bit deeper.

I would certainly avoid the wedding unless you are close and can find out what happened...surely she can;t expect people still to attend if she treated everyone so badly?

Yama · 10/08/2012 07:58

I try to be compassionate when someone makes an arse of themselves through drink.

Don't look for other reasons (wedding list). If you don't want to forgive your friend, don't. However, you need to tell her asap so that she can get her money back on your place at the wedding.

Only4theOlympics · 10/08/2012 08:20

Why would you offer to organise her hen do if you did not care about her as a friend?

YouOldSlag · 10/08/2012 08:22

YANBU. Me and my friends have been really off our face drunk on occasion but never been abusive to anyone. I would distance myself from anyone who called a taxi driver a C*nt and was abusive when drunk.

The friendship has obviously run its course. Make a polite excuse and just be on nodding terms with her from now on. You've seen a side to her you don't like and her being drunk does not excuse it.

Pagwatch · 10/08/2012 08:32

It is odd that you seen to have so quickly lost all interest in her given that you were close enough to organise her hen night.

Her behaviour was bad but it sounds as though this one night was totally out of character if none of you attending had ever seen her in such a state before. Did any of you (her friends) try to find out if something else was going on? If one of my friends behaved in a way that was so completely different from their normal behaviour I would talk to them about it.

If you are not going to go then have the decency to tell her straight away.

Btw we can say cunt. We don't need to put symbols in there.

Pagwatch · 10/08/2012 08:32

Cunt.

See.

lovebunny · 10/08/2012 08:35

i was going to say 'hang on, has she paid for meals, it can cost an awful lot...' but bearing in mind how horrible she's been, i'm not bothered now! if you haven't seen her and it won't cause problems for you in the future, stay away. but if its a sit-down meal and there are going to be empty places, she'll never forgive you.

my daughter's dad announced (after we'd booked) 'no-one from my family will come to her wedding'. fortunately, he announced it in good time, and we cancelled a table and saved £500. i think its one of the nicest things he ever did, after starting the baby.

YouOldSlag · 10/08/2012 08:37

No Pag, you can, I can't! It's the one word I can't bring myself to say. But I do love saying bollocks every now and then!

Pagwatch · 10/08/2012 08:44

But whyyyyyyyy!

Why is the worst thing you can call someone female genetalia. We don't mind calling someone a dick.

Reclaim cunt!

catgirl2012 · 10/08/2012 08:47

Don't go if you don't want to and don't want the friendship (sounds like you don't) but do let her know in advance you are not going. Make up any excuse if you feel the need, but tell her - don't just not turn up - that would be U.

Cunt, cunty cunt.

honeytea · 10/08/2012 08:54

I think you should go and bite your tongue, it sounds like she was out of order but she probably either can't remember or she is really embarrassed. Are there any cheap things on the wedding list? If not give them vouchers for whatever value you want.

As for the word cunt, I like my cunt very much, it would be a compliment if I called someone a cunt ;)

Pagwatch · 10/08/2012 09:02

why, thank you!

Actually that works Honeytea

Poster "you cunt"
Honeytea "why, thank you"

It is both charming and pa

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/08/2012 09:34

Since we're sharing, have you come across 'I would call you a cunt but you don't have the depth, warmth, or functionality'? I am very fond of that, I got it off someone on here.

Anyway - OP, no, don't just not attend. It's a shit thing to do and you're taking out a row on her DH-to-be as well as her. If you must cry off, do it properly and asap - you can make up an excuse, but not turning up at the last minute is a really horrible thing to do, IMO.

Margerykemp · 10/08/2012 09:39

One strike and she's out? You're not a very forgiving friend are you?

People arse up when they're too drunk. It's highly unlikely she'll be like that during her wedding.

Put it down as a one off and carry on as before.

ginnybag · 10/08/2012 09:39

@LRD - that's brilliant. I'm going to have to find a reason for using that!

catgirl2012 · 10/08/2012 09:40

Ooh I'm pinching that LRD

I wonder if I coulf use it at work without getting fired? It would be so apt so often...........

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/08/2012 09:40

It's good, isn't it?

I love MN, it provides the best insults.

EdithWeston · 10/08/2012 09:42

You've been asked and accepted. This is a wedding, not a night out or other party.

I'm somewhat with your Gran on this; the only acceptable reasons to miss in these circumstances are (genuine) illness or close bereavement.

If you do cancel, then your act will break the friendship irrevocably, with it being you who has done the unacceptable act (everyone else will think drunken rudeness is subjective, will see the other hens stranding, assume it's not so bad, and that you are the one behaving atrociously.

catgirl2012 · 10/08/2012 09:43

I hope the bride is like that at the wedding.

Imagine her stumbling down the aisle and calling everyone a cunt :) I would love to go to such a wedding

DawnOfTheDee · 10/08/2012 09:43

Agree that she probably doesn't remember what she did at all or has that horrible feeling of shame but doesn't remember exactly what happened (and maybe too embarrassed to ask).

Some people are horrible drunks....some people will occasionally be a horrible drunk if they have something upsetting or stressful going on in their lives.

If I were you I would definitely go to the wedding and depending on how your friendship works would meet up with her asap and have a bit of a heart to heart.

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