to be angry at DD's Headmaster

[HappyOrchid]

who referred to her as being disadvantaged at being an only child.

He also said she get her own way too often. WTF! She always shares with others. Right now she's gone with a neighbour and their kids to walk their dog.

Yes, she likes her own way, but don't we all. She gets her own way with things that I don't stress about.

Want to wear jeans or leggings - its her choice
Wnats to stay up and watch TV on a school night - No
Wants to eat pudding (fruit) before main course - fine so long as its eaten I don't care if she mixes it all together
Won't brush her teeth? - no choice she'll do them

Evidently I am the Worlds Worst Parent, oh well.

The thing is, Salmotrutta et al, it's your own bloody fault (or, to be fair, the fault of whoever's idea it was that reports can't contain anything identifiably negative). If you tell parents that little Billy is very enthusiastic with a great sense of humour, they are likely to go away with the impression that he's very enthusiastic with a great sense of humour, not that he's a disruptive smartarse (what do you say about a child who's genuinely enthusiastic with a genuinely good sense of humour, by the way?). If I tell you I'm popping round for tea by bus tomorrow afternoon, you would justifiably be a little surprised to find that I was just being 'diplomatic' and really what I meant was that I was going to rappel down your chimney at 3am.

"Plain speaking" from a Head after years of a lack of plain speaking is frankly pointless. If the Head's so into plain speaking he/she should be mandating it for the rest of his/her staff as well.

Send a copy to the LEA.

Our reports have to be positive, then we can put the actual truth in the 'action points' section. I use lots of phrases like 'x can listen, x can sometimes play an active role in the lesson, x sometimes behaves in an appropriate manner'.

We have to do this because the Head and SLT are terrified that parents might be upset by the truth.

I'd love a HT that told it like it is and let his staff do the same.

The OP's child has been unhappy for a long time, and I'd be surprised if the school and the parents haven't had some sort of dialogue over the various incidents.
Let's hope that the child has a happier time at the next school, whatever the reasons are for the failure of this one.

I'd like to be honest with parents, and in reports. It's getting something constructive out of it that can be difficult, unless you oil things up right.

Salmotrutta- I am a secondary teacher and taught in PRUs until recently; diplomacy was stretched to the very limit

Schools (should) communicate children's needs to one another when a child moves schools- there is rarely a need to criticise parenting skills to the parent unless you are putting measures in place to support them. In the OP's case, unless he was offering to father a sibling for the child, there is little point in what the head said. In fact, it comes across as bitterness on the head's part, when if he was that concerned by the issues he raises, he should have tackled them in a supportive way with the OP a long time ago, as Casey points out.

yy, as a head, I'd be concerned if even the most disruptive child was that unhappy at my school.

Casey - I meant to add another post but got distracted by RL:

So what I meant to add was that:-

We always put next steps etc. into our reports up here and that's where you bring up the fact that Johnny's enthusiasm is to be encouraged but it can be very disruptive etc. if he doesn't settle quickly. It means he isn't prepared and ready to work which is having a negative effect on his progress and the rest of the class ... etc. etc.

I always get the point across about poor behaviour.

What's with all the passive aggressive crap on this thread? MN is hardly renowned for people being restrained in expressing opinions. If you've got something to say then say it (if I may be so bold ).

Sorry tethers - realised that you were secondary after I remembered you from a teacher's thread!!

Oh and:

"Johnny's sense of humour has sometimes led to decreased workload and negative attention. This is affecting his ability to complete tasks"

That's the sort of Targets I would be putting in Casey - it is never the case that there are years of good reports then a big whammy.

And if a child is genuinely humorous, polite and a pleasure to have in the class I say so.

Don't worry, Salmotrutta- have my Olympic name on anyway

I suppose with some of the children I work with, the ones who are already disengaged with education, a negative report can sometimes be counter-productive. Bearing in mind, the report is often written for the child and not the parents- telling some children that the parenting they receive is not up to scratch is telling them nothing they don't already know, and are powerless to change.

Mmmm, but (for example) does your "great sense of humour"/"smart arse" actually have a great sense of humour but needs to grasp when and where it's appropriate or inappropriate to display it, or are you just putting "great sense of humour" to provide a diplomatic lead-in to "needs to stop being such a cocky smartarse"-type action points and targets? Because from a parental point of view those seem like different situations with different underlying causes requiring different input from me to help fix them.

I'm a primary head. To be frank, if your child was a PITA at school, I'd bloody well tell you. It's not my job to pretend your little darling is adorable. It's my job to educate them. If their behaviour or lack of social graces makes that difficult, it's my job to tell you.
You don't have to agree with him, but he's not lying - that's how DD presents at school.
Hopefully, she will find the new school better, and the new school will find HER better.

Oh very often the smart arse does have a great sense of humour - and you don't want to squash them but DO want to say there is a time and a place for joking around.

I have no problem alerting parents to the fact that their youngster may be cheeky/argumentative/slothful.

Equally - if the pupil has good and positive traits I highlight them too.

(just to check, though, if a teacher says a child is a pleasure to have in the class they do actually mean it and it means "you still need to work on the development points I've identified, but you don't need to worry that they are just a diplomatic way of telling you that your child is That Child"?)

If I say a child is a pleasure to have in the class I do actually mean it.
That's not phrase I dish out like sweets.
I only use it when I mean it. Other times I say they are likeable/helpful/cheerful - whatever fits.

Can't speak for other teachers though.

What do you mean by That Child?

Hey DD is not an angel, but she knows what is expected and that she has to put in effort.

She has been at the school since nursery, so the best part of five years. For the first 4 years her progress was good and admittedly when she was very small 3 or 4 years old she could be a devil, never one to respect authority and apparently the only child the Deputy Head has ever had face her down. Not by being cheeky or rude, but by point blank refusing to do something she felt was wrong,

In 12 months she has become withdrawn, scared to go to school and her work went down. Her hand writing got worse, her reading faltered and she was generally unhappy. When we saw her work books the teacher had written comments such as 'X you need to pay full attention in whole of class larning so that you can work indepenantly (sic) to expand your theories later.'
FFS she was 7 then.

Whilst attaining exam marks over 80% she ws given an R for requires improvement and an E meaning serious concerns over work because the teacher said she wasn't keeping up with the year 4 children in the class.

On a lighter note report speak
X is a quiet member of the class = which one were they again

I think you are right to be angry with the headteacher although for reasons not mentioned so far. The HT has assumed that you have chosen not to have another child which perhaps you have. But for all he knows you might not be able to have another child and might be devastated by his tactlessness. Completely out of order!

OP - I don't know anything about Primary. But is it possible that now that your DD is in P3/P4 (Y4 in England?) she is struggling with the more structured environment?
You say she didn't like authority so is she "locking horns" with the teacher maybe?

Gosh sounds dreadful for your DD - Glad you are moving her.

Report speak: X is a lively member of the class = Oh my X is a little no it all, who just doesnt know when to stop talking.

Also : After a few hiccups X has made some positive friendships = After X picked on some of the others they have finally met their match!!

I suppose I mean "a child who as a result of his/her behaviour is consuming a grossly disproportionate amount of the teacher's time and effort without having any particular special neurological, physical, emotional or behavioural needs that coudn't be met by more effective parenting and thereby is diverting attention away both from children who do have such needs that are nothing to do with parenting and from children who are just quiet and diligent and don't make overt demands." Or something like that.

It's just difficult to tell what your child is like at school, because in some ways they are just the same as they are at home while in others they behave quite differently. So getting an accurate image of your child as others see them already involves piecing together a bunch of sources and I'd like to think that not too many of them were subtext.

Actually, I'm reasonably confident that I've got the measure of DS but DD1 is about to start school and is (let me see if I've got the hang of this) a strong-minded child who is comfortable forming her own opinions and confident in articulating them to others. So I'm girding my loins to see how that turns out, especially as she's in the class taught by the new teacher who may not be as direct as the teachers I already know.

A friend of mine at school had an Art report "She draws well" which was interesting as she'd given up the subject a year previously...

Oh, is that it? Are all my imperfections caused by being an only child? I did wonder.

He is being completely U and trying to place the blame something outside the school.

"In the OP's case, unless he was offering to father a sibling for the child, there is little point in what the head said"

tethers. Maybe the head just has an unfortunate approach to seduction!