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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday presents problems

50 replies

Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:25

Do you buy presents for your in-laws on their birthdays? And do they get you anything?

My DH, for his brother/sister/mum/dads birthday we always go out for a meal and we always get them something as a gift- £50 budget of course. As all our money is shared, the gift comes from both of us.

However when it comes to my birthday they all chipped in and got me a perfume i would never wear with a retail value- i checked- of £35....which means, they contributes less than £9 each!! yet when its their birthdays they get minimum 50 contribution from EACH person. on top of that, they make excuses to not come out for dinner, they come over to ours and DH and me have to pay for them to have take out round ours.

which case......is it unreasonable for me to announce that DH and myself will not be coming to family birthday dinners if we have to pay for them- and all birthday budgets go down to £25?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:26

ps- if i loved them/liked them then i guess i wouldnt mind spending money on them and getting nothing in return

but i dont much like them and i hate to see money leaving our pot and going into their grubby hands with no return

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/08/2012 11:28

Oh do stop it!

I've never heard anything so money minded in my life.

To answer your question, birthdays are just birthdays in this family...sometimes we buy presents and sometimes we don't...it just depends on how we are for money at the time.

It's truly the thought that counts in this family and if anyone were to be as money minded as you sound, they'd never get another gift again.

ChocolateHips · 09/08/2012 11:28
Biscuit
Kladdkaka · 09/08/2012 11:30

I have no idea how much presents from inlaws cost or how much each contribute. Wouldn't even occur to me to try and work it out Confused

Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:30

lol....worraliberty- you are talking about reasonable families who embrace presents and the thought of gift giving/recieveing. This is sadly not the kind of family.

DH's family are immensley money minded and my SIL and MIL particularly like to get as much money out of my DH and his brother as possible.

OP posts:
invicta · 09/08/2012 11:31

Are you the only inlaw being short changed? Mybe they pay out f or the primary family member, but not for their spouses.

WelshMaenad · 09/08/2012 11:32

No, not since we scraped and saved to get mil a gift we thought she would LOVE as a joint Xmas/birthday gift and got a load of uppity snot about it being a joint gift (it was £90 and at the time DH had not long been made redundant and we had a new baby!).

That said, their idea Christmas largesse is a £10 supermarket gift card (for their son, not just me) and a phone call from that year's Caribbean cruise liner so I don't much give a fuck if they don't like it.

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2012 11:32

DH's family are immensley money minded and my SIL and MIL particularly like to get as much money out of my DH and his brother as possible

Then you're perfectly matched to them from the sound of your OP

Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:32

Kladdkaka- if you got your MIL a Gucci bag and she got you a two for £20 gift box from the body shop- one for you and one for her work colleague- u wouldnt think it was a little off?

esp if you know she earns 10x more than you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:33

DH's family are immensley money minded and my SIL and MIL particularly like to get as much money out of my DH and his brother as possible

Then you're perfectly matched to them from the sound of your OP
----------------

well actually i earn and contribute to half my DH's money- they contribute nothing.

OP posts:
bunnywhack · 09/08/2012 11:34

Try saying putting money in a pot feels a bit impersonal to you and from now on you will be buying each of them presents rather than handing over the cash. £50 sounds extortionate by the way.

bunnywhack · 09/08/2012 11:34

*the pot

Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:35

Are you the only inlaw being short changed?

--------

hmm....well i am the only in-law, his brother/sister arent married yet.

but i have been in the family 5 years and given them grandchildren- surly that warrents more than £9??

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:36

bunnywhack....we always get each person a gift individually...just when it comes to me, they put it in a pot and go as cheap as possible

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Kladdkaka · 09/08/2012 11:37

No I wouldn't, because the cost of the items doesn't even enter my head. I've sent birthday and Christmas presents to all my neices and nephews for years now despite my daughter never receiving so much as a card from my siblings. You don't give to recieve and you don't keep a score card.

milkymocha · 09/08/2012 11:37

You actually checked how much a gift thst was given to you cost? Thats ridiculous.
You dont deserve gifts Envy

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2012 11:39

I think I'd rather give my money to the nearest cats home than buy a present for anyone who tallies it all up and checks out the RRP.

Either buy out of the goodness of your heart or don't buy at all.

Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:40

my MIL was kind enough to leave the 2 for £20 sticker on before she wrapped it

yup i checked the price because i knew they made minimum effort into the gift- i guess i needed to know just how little they thought of me

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:42

Either buy out of the goodness of your heart or don't buy at all
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theory is great but in reality- if anyone here spent a lot on someone and got soemthing very thoughtless in return- they will be hurt, there is no denying that

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 09/08/2012 11:43

Eh? You judge how much someone thinks of you based on how much they spend on you, YADefinatelyBU.

Original poster
Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:48

i guess they make a big effort with the other birthdays, they get cards and really push the boat out. and we make an effort for them too.

with mine, i get one card with my MIL putting everyones names on it and no one gives it much thought.

i just thought to be part of a family is to be treated as such....and its not just birthdays, its xmas too.......its like they make an active effort to disclude me as much as possible.

OP posts:
shewhowines · 09/08/2012 11:51

I think it is the principle of the thing you dislike rather than the actual cash value and I think YANBU to be upset. I would be too.

Klad "I've sent birthday and Christmas presents to all my neices and nephews for years now despite my daughter never receiving so much as a card from my siblings." - And you think that's ok? I certainly wouldn't. Not from a monetary perspective but from the fact that they don't appreciate what you do and don't give a dam about your kids.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 09/08/2012 11:51

To your actual question, YANBU. Make it clear that everyone except the birthday boy/girl pays for their own meal and everyone chips in an equal amount to cover the birthday person's cost. £25 is a more reasonable amount to spend on birthday presents.

I usually spend less than £9 on everyone except DH and DS. I always choose thoughtful presents that I think the receiver will like though.

I would like to say that I couldn't care less what other people spend on presents for me but since my a last birthday that isn't strictly true. I have to say that I am not saintly enough to have been thrilled to bits with the pink plastic 50 cent Walmart coin purse DH's unlovely DSis, BIL and 3DC sent me, with price tag still attached. Sorry.

CherryBlossom27 · 09/08/2012 11:58

If your in laws are money orientated then I would spend an equal amount on their presents as they have spent on you. If it was me, I would also buy them something similar to what they have bought you, e.g. if they give you a photframe, give them one, if they give you perfume, buy them perfume. It saves you getting upset that you have spent more on them.

Kladdkaka · 09/08/2012 11:58

Klad "I've sent birthday and Christmas presents to all my neices and nephews for years now despite my daughter never receiving so much as a card from my siblings." - And you think that's ok? I certainly wouldn't. Not from a monetary perspective but from the fact that they don't appreciate what you do and don't give a dam about your kids.

No I don't think it's OK, so I had to choose whether I wanted to be more like them and treat their kids like they treat mine, or rise above it and treat their kids how I would like mine to be treated.

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