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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday presents problems

50 replies

Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:25

Do you buy presents for your in-laws on their birthdays? And do they get you anything?

My DH, for his brother/sister/mum/dads birthday we always go out for a meal and we always get them something as a gift- £50 budget of course. As all our money is shared, the gift comes from both of us.

However when it comes to my birthday they all chipped in and got me a perfume i would never wear with a retail value- i checked- of £35....which means, they contributes less than £9 each!! yet when its their birthdays they get minimum 50 contribution from EACH person. on top of that, they make excuses to not come out for dinner, they come over to ours and DH and me have to pay for them to have take out round ours.

which case......is it unreasonable for me to announce that DH and myself will not be coming to family birthday dinners if we have to pay for them- and all birthday budgets go down to £25?

OP posts:

Original poster

Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 11:59

thanks slightlysuperiorpeasant- to be clear, no one chips in with the family...each person gives the other a gift/money of £50 minimum, it is just with me they chip in and contribute a tiny fraction of that- but expect that me and DH should fork out £50 to everyone else- in total, this comes to 200 a year on presents alone, 350 if you count the expense of a meal.

with me...the total each spent was £9 as they couldnt be bothered to spend more than that.

I just feel...if thats how much they spend on me, then why do we push the boat out with their tradition of £50??

Klad "I've sent birthday and Christmas presents to all my neices and nephews for years now despite my daughter never receiving so much as a card from my siblings." - im sorry Klad but if the in laws didnt give my DS a gift/card for his birthday, then i for sure wouldnt be sending them or their kids anything.

I cannot find it in myself to love people who dont love my kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kizza2 · 09/08/2012 12:02

No I don't think it's OK, so I had to choose whether I wanted to be more like them and treat their kids like they treat mine, or rise above it and treat their kids how I would like mine to be treated.

--------

lol thats very nobel Klad but any money spent on them and their kids is less money spent on me, DH and our kids- thats a no no. if people dont care about us - then i dont care much about them.

My in laws do make a lot of effort with my DS- so i guess i cant moan too much as they go beyond and over for him, if they didnt- i would very happily shut them out of our lives and never look back

OP posts:

shewhowines · 09/08/2012 12:03

Klad You must be a better person than me then because I couldn't rise above it like that unless I had bucket loads of money.

Kladdkaka · 09/08/2012 12:08

Nah, I probably have 'mug' stamped on my forehead. I just can't bring myself to not treat my neices and nephews right because of what their parents do (or rather don't do).

vodkaanddietirnbru · 09/08/2012 12:11

I give my 3 brothers a card for their birthday (and nothing else!). I sometimes get a wee something for my sister because I am close to her and she has the kids for sleepovers/for dinner, etc. DH gives his brother and sister a card but no present. I get my mum a card and a small present (my dad is dead so he gets nothing!). DH sends money in a card to his mum and dad as they dont have much money (they live in england, we are in scotland).

DH sometimes gets a card from his mum and dad and rarely gets a card from his brother and sister.

We dont set a price (and it would be significantly lower than £50!) and we dont go out for meals either unless it is one of the big birthdays e.g. 40th, 50th, etc

I'd cut the budget and cut out the birthday takeaways if you are getting landed with the bill every time.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 09/08/2012 12:13

Just because they have a 'tradition' of giving £50 it doesn't mean you need to follow it. Part of being a new family unit (you, your DH, your DC) is looking at the traditions you and your DH brought from your families and seeing which you would like to keep, which to not continue and making new ones.

Vagaceratops · 09/08/2012 12:15

Well if you have children they have to buy presents for them too surely.

My MIL always requests expensive items for her birthday, and then goes away every year for mine so I dont get anything. Its annoying but then so is she :o

HeathRobinson · 09/08/2012 12:17

YANBU. It's about equal treatment and respect.

What does your dh think?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/08/2012 12:17

slightly is right - just deviate from their tradition.

I don't count costs for my inlaws, but that works because we have a good relationship and finances are very uneven, so we know that what counts as a casual 'saw this and thought of you' gift from some family members would be a big deal from others.

If you can't afford to give a gift, don't give it - it will only make you feel bad and your in-laws will have no way of realizing you're not as rich as you seem to be.

shewhowines · 09/08/2012 12:18

Klad So surely if you see the unfairness in your own situation then you can see why the OP is upset in her post. They are treating her in an unfair way. You might not like it but you would probably lump it. You can't blame the Op for not liking it but trying to do something about it.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 09/08/2012 12:19

Kladdkaka I have a similar situation with my DNs. I don't see why they should be penalised for having rude parents (not acknowledging gifts in any way, despite me sending them overseas, so I have no way of knowing if they've even arrived) so I still send them nice presents but the parents get a card.

GreenGoldSilverAndBronzeShadow · 09/08/2012 12:22

You are only an In-Law.
I wouldn't expect as generous a gift from my in-laws. BIL give DH and DC presents, but nothing for me on my birthday (he sends a card). That is fine. I'm only someone who married his brother. He gives his brother/ my DH a generous present. On his birthday, we give a joint present, although basically it is from DH.

Yummymummyyobe1 · 09/08/2012 12:23

The joy of a gift is the giving and not reciprocity. I would happily send a gift to somebody and not expect anything in return. This give me, give me idea is ridiculous.

OP you all sound like you are out to get what you can. So what you gave them grandchildren. I'm quite sure you did not think oh we will gift DH parents with a grandchild what poppycock.

shewhowines · 09/08/2012 12:26

Thats a good point about relative incomes. I definitely wouldn't expect the same value presents from people who have vastly different incomes. I would be over the moon with a low value gift given with thought, from some one who has little money. A tradition "budget" has to take into account relative wealth.

If I were you Op I'd stick to buying the DC's presents in the family and suggest lowering/forgetting the traditional amount. Definitely do not pay for a birthday takeout. Either you do the same as other family members or forget inviting them round to yours.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 09/08/2012 12:38

I am sniggering slightly at the thought of the OP's ILs holding 5-yearly meetings and adjusting the 'traditional' amount to take into account inflation and rises in the cost of living, then working out a means-tested sliding scale so everyone pays proportionately the same by income.

Kladdkaka · 09/08/2012 12:40

pinkappleby · 09/08/2012 12:41

Can I check - you all spend £50. So say it is your BIL's birthday. Do you give £50, and your DH give £50, so handing £100 over? Or do you give £50 from both of you? When it is DH's birthday does he get £50 from each person?

If you are expecting to give each person £50 to you and £50 to DH but are only giving £50 as a couple then YABU. Actually YABVU. Especially as you get gifts for the kids too. I suspect they are keeping to traditions and treating you as an 'add on'. If you are giving them £100 then YANBU.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2012 12:47

I am not surprised you feel hurt by their behavior Kizza2, I would be too. And yes, I would probably have googled the perfume to find out how much they had spent on it too, and for the same reasons. Money is not just money; it has a whole load of baggage attached, and I am surprised at some of the posts ridiculing you for being able to see that.

How does your husband feel about the very obvious difference in the respect paid to your birthday and the respect expected from you of theirs?

shewhowines · 09/08/2012 12:50

at slightly

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2012 12:51

"You are only an In-Law. ... I'm only someone who married his brother"
I find that really . My husband's family are my family, and I love them all. They treat me as family, caring about me and my happiness.

Peppin · 09/08/2012 12:52

YABU. Not for minding, but for doing it and minding.

In my family, even though I am a single parent of 2 DCs with a full time job while my brother has no DCs, no job and lives at home with my parents for free, I am expected to organise all Christmas and birthday presents in every direction, i.e. I have to buy them and then collect the cash from the "donor" as I am "the only one who knows what everyone wants".

I never get all the cash back as the donor usually considers the item a bit toppy, even though I always get them to approve the budget first.

I hate this system but I do it as otherwise I would have my ear chewed off half the year by the moaning about who didn't get what they wanted.

On my birthday this year, my mother asked me 2 days beforehand what I wanted. I said anything would be nice, I'd like a new necklace or bracelet of some kind. On the day I got nothing "because you didn't tell me what to get you." Six weeks later I was given a £40 necklace. [As background I gave my mother a birthday present that cost - and that she knew would have cost - £120 (she is very materialistic)]. I was slightly but said nothing. Then when it was my brother's girlfriend's birthday (whom my mum had known for 6 months at the time), my mum gave her a £60 voucher for hair cut at Aveda and £40 manicure.

I was annoyed. But from now on I will just be giving my mum much cheaper presents (even though she complains if it costs less than £100).

You can't change your tight-wadded ILs. But you can change your own behaviour sp that you don't feel so resentful.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2012 13:02

Oh Peppin that's awful!

On a practical note, could you 'delegate' the actual buying of the present to your feckless brother? E.g. "Bro, X has agreed that would be the right present for Y. It costs £x at . I can't get there in time to buy it, so can you please go and get it and X will give you the money. I've got all the wrappings already, so you just have to bring it round to me and I'll see to it from there. Bye." Would that be possible?

Peppin · 09/08/2012 13:14

Not really because he doesn't drive and we live in a very rural village with limited bus service. He would say he'd do it but then would forget and it would still be me who got it in the neck.

I really don't mind sorting out everyone else's presents that much - it's just the fact that when it comes to MY birthday, it's such a non-event but when it's my mum's she expects the full number and makes her displeasure felt strongly if she doesn't get exactly what she thinks she should have. Last year I started planning 3 months before her birthday and spent twice as much on her as on my DCs on theirs. She didn't say thank you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2012 13:56

So why do you still do it Peppin?

Peppin · 09/08/2012 16:51

Complicated mother-daughter relationship reasons that I should have grown out of by now. Constantly seeking parental approval, never getting it - that sort of thing.

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