To tell OH I'm not visiting his family

[TheQueenOfDiamonds]

At christmas or when his SIL has her baby.

Basically, I don't get on with his family and I refuse to make an effort for people who dislike me for what I consider normal behaviour.

I would never stop OH from going, and will always try my hardest to ensure he can take our son with him, but I don't want to go myself anymore.

I can't get over certain things some of his family have said to and about me. I would end up sat there feeling awkward. I'd rather save myself the trouble and expense of being away from home and just be alone.

Aibu?

YANBU. Absolutely no reason why you should be forced to spend time with people you don't like, with whom the feeling is mutual, just because they are 'family'.

Well it all depends on what behaviour they don't like that you consider normal. Can't really give an opinion.

I don't know how to tell him.
I think he will be assuming we will go to his parents this christmas, because my daughter is not with us on christmas day. We are going to have a "present day" instead.

I asked earlier what he was planning, he said he hasn't thought that far.

Not really sure what to say as I don't want to leave it until the last minute and give them reason to say I've caused trouble etc. I'd rather OH know. At least then if he doesn't bother to tell them that's his problem. I'd probably still get the blame but at least I'd know lol.

Depends - you are not telling us a lot about the ways in which they display their 'dislike' of you.
Personally, I think it's important to make the effort to try to spend time with your partner's family, even if they are not people you would choose to spend time with if they weren't your partner's family. I think it's unfair to say you are never going for Christmas or - for example - when the new baby arrives as it puts him in a difficult position.
Of course, this might all be totally justifiable, depending on what they have done/said to you, but, without that knowledge, it's difficult for us to say if YABU or not.

Why is it you don't like his family and/or they don't like you? Is it something you and your OH have spoken about before? In a way I think putting a bit of effort in can help to build bridges and surely that would be good considering your DS is a member of this family. I don't really know what else to say as you haven't said how they have misbehaved in the past.

Lisaro - Its hard to say what exactly they don't like. There has never been a blow out argument or anything because I won't allow that to happen.

The times where there have been, disagreements, and I've been on the receiving end of a lot of grief from his family have been;

When I found out I was pregnant. We didn't tell them for a week, because there were concerns from hcp that the pregnancy was ectopic. I had an ectopic pregnancy before and I nearly died. I didn't want to tell anyone until I knew. They would have been told if it were ectopic, when we felt ready. I didn't want to tell people before I knew myself.

My mum knew, purely because I was at her house when I did the test, thinking it would be negative. My dad was told after OHs parents.

The way his Mum reacted, you'd have thought I'd kept the pregnancy secret for months. Along with this lack of compassion (I repeat; I nearly died ffs, excuse me that my overriding feelings are of terror and not of desire to spill to you!) Is the double standard. OH SIL kept hers secret until 12 weeks, because she had a mc. Perfectly understandable, and quite rightly, no one questions this - Why am I different? Why am I not afforded the same consideration.

My second crime is (imediately after taking abuse over the "keeping it secret") "storming out of her house". I did not storm. I stood up and said "I cannot discuss this, I'm sorry" and walked away, in response to a comment about my daughter.

If I'd stayed I'd have hurt someone. Its taken me a long time to be able to do something like this. 5 years ago someone would have been minus some teeth. Walking away is a good thing. I was happy to return when people were willing to talk and not shout or rant.

Other problems are where we live. We live two hours away. I am unwilling to move because of my arrangement with DDs dad. If we moved back home I would have to, in the short term at least, do all of the picking up and dropping off. With medical appointments this would cost around £400 a month in petrol. Money I do not have. There is no work there. If we upped and left now we would end up relying on benefits.

This leads to more double standards;

I am expected to produce £400 a month so we can move home (I don't need to move back to that town), yet his brother and SIL, who both work and earn more than us, cannot afford one trip to see us. Not one. They have never visited our son. We took him to them. They blame money issues.

I'm not disputing their financial issues. But how the hell do they expect us to afford £400 a month in petrol, when they can't do it once in nine months?

I found messages where his brother was saying I need to grow up (Because I had said I don't want to stop breasfeeding yet) and they tried to convince OH to take our son and they would fetch OH and son and they could just move there.. Without telling me, find somewhere to live etc.

I e-mailed his brother telling him I was disappointed and hurt and was told "not to send e-mails like that again" and to "sort my shit out".

I wasn't nasty. But the sort of people I spend time around discuss an issue. I don't shout or argue. I talk things through. Apparently that's wrong of me.

So don't go. But let your OH know how you plan to deal with his family, and not just at Christmas. Xmas is easy: you, your OH and your son should spend it together, at your home, in your own way. He can take your DS to visit the in-laws before or after.

And watch out for his family bad-mouthing you to your DS. Might happen.

Why are you spending £400 a month on petrol, didn't understand that bit.

OP, from your post of 01:22:18 - surely your OH must know that the relationships between you and his family are, to say the least, somewhat strained? What has he said about the incidents you posted about?

He knows I'm still angry about things. He knows I don't want to see them. I just don't think that thought will have extended to christmas - they always have everyone round at christmas, they sort of take it as a given that everyone will be there.

The messages I found especially have caused some major issues for me. I don't feel I can trust them. I went to hell and back when my daughters Dad and I split up. He absolutely destroyed me, a lot of it influenced by his mother. To know that OHs family have suggested he do similar things to what he did is so hurtful. I don't think OH realises the effect its had on me. I can't relax. I know if he takes our son there I'll spend the whole time worrying if he's going to come back or not. But I don't feel comfortable telling oh he can't take his own son to see his family - fuck me I'd flame anyone anywhere else for doing it, unless in extreme circumstances.

If he goes out with our son I panic. I actually went out looking for him the other day because he went for a walk with the neighbour and his dog and took our son and was longer than expected - turned out they'd just stopped off at the pub for a pint. I've never been like that. I felt so.. I don't know the word.. Sor of ashamed I guess, of myself to be "that woman". The one who turns up unexpected, blatantly suspicious. You could almost hear people thinking "yeah right!" As I trotted out the "I was just passing and thought I'd stop by to see if you were here" line. I walked a half a mile out of my way!

I feel like such a loser.

Krumbum - I'm not, that's what it would cost if we moved closer to them.

Whereyouleftit - he doesn't say much. At the time he tried to keep the peace so to speak, but never strongly takes sides.

I've tried to discuss it since, but he seems to think that because I'm not shouting or ranting, I'm not that bothered and I'm just being a bit snipey and brushes it off with "you know what she's like"

If he knows that you & his family have such a deep dislike for each other, why would he expect you to spend Xmas with them? Spell it out for him.

I have no idea if you're being reasonable or not to dislike them to the point you don't want to be near them. But it's perfectly reasonable to expect you'll be staying away. He would BU to expect any other outcome.

Now, what's this stuff about you being afraid he'll kidnap your DS? That sounds a lot more serious than where you'll be lighting up the Xmas pud.

YANBU, why on earth would you spend time with people who treat you badly. Personally I don't go with the notion that you have to put up with any amount of crap because "they're family". If people have badly there are usually consequences.

I would say to your DH (calmly). " Can we have a chat about Christmas. I'm not spending it with your family so can we plan something nice just for us". If he insists that he will be spending it with his family you know where you stand on his list of priorities so you can either make your own plans, or rethink the relationship.

If you are seriously concerned about him taking your son away without your knowledge or consent I would have a chat with your local police community officer. That way your concerns are on file which may be useful at a later stage. Good luck!

" I don't think OH realises the effect its had on me."
Well, there is your starting point. You need to get that across to him. What do you think would be his reaction if you told him exactly what you just told us, about how fearful it makes you, how it has stirred up old emotions?

And have your answer ready for "you know what she's like".
. Yes, awful towards me.
. Yes I do. But I'm not sure that you know, not fully.
. Rude and unwelcoming?
. It's not just your mother.
. Yes, determined to keep you tied to her apron strings.
Do not allow him to brush it off as just a little foible on her part. "What she's like" is affecting your relationship.

Wheresmyperry - I found messages on OHs Blackberry (I was using it to message a friend because mine broke halfway through a conversation, and I fail at using touch screen and opened the first contact in his BBM which was his brother, it bought up their conversation).

It was basically said, with a couple of methods suggested, that OH take our son and move back home (to the town we come from). That he would pick OH and DS up and he would have to find somewhere to live - OH had been confiding in his brother that he was feeling stressed, because I have a weird problem, and he wasn't getting much sleep because of it.

I know OH wouldn't do that. But then when I'm alone I start thinking about DDs Dad. And how I "knew" he wouldn't ever try to hurt me or do things he has done. And how I know his mother spent a long time telling him to do some of it (she admitted that herself).

Then I start thinking what if his family did talk him into it. I can't go through what I did with DD/her Dad again. I know I'm being ridiculous but the stupid thoughts always come. Right now because my son is laid next to me I can think calmly about it but when he's not I can't, that horrible feeling always comes.

Sunnydelight - That's part of the problem. I know what the police can do if he decided to take DS and refuse to come back. Sweet FA. Without a court order anyway.

I don't mind not spending christmas with him. That wouldn't make me rethink our relationship with him. I'm not fussed over the actual day itself. We will be having a family day and doing presents and christmas dinner the weekend before or after (haven't checked which is best yet) because my daughter will be with her Dad on the actual day this year (she's been with me the last 3 christmas').

I'm perfectly happy to spend christmas day riding while the roads are dead lol.

If you can't get him to understand your point of view and what you feel and why, then maybe a few counciling sessions are in order. just you and couples.

Sorry, OP, can you just clarify that your BIL was recommending to your DH that he should just take your child and move away with him?

You and your DH have communication problems. You're struggling to get him to see how you're feeling and he's unhappy because he doesn't get it, which is making you more worried that he'll listen to others advice. I also suggest couples counselling - if you can start talk and to see each others point of view, then dealing with family problems will be much easier.

"OH had been confiding in his brother that he was feeling stressed, because I have a weird problem, and he wasn't getting much sleep because of it. "

Maybe I´m odd-because that to me is too much sharing.

And his brother´s response to that was that he get your son & leave you?

Not just come & have a couple of nights with us to recharge?

Didn´t he tell his brother to not be so fucking ridiculous?

It´d make me unwilling to leave my son in his care tbh.

It worries me that you feel the need to follow and monitor him when he has the kids......something must be causing you to behave like this. So, either you are right, and he is a 'flight risk'.....or you have some issues that need to be looked into.

So, could you have a few counselling sessions and see if that makes the feeling go away? Then, if you can honestly cross paranoia off your list you are left with the fact your OH makes you feel uncomfortable to be alone with your kids. Perhaps CAB can advise you here? Is a court order going to be hard to get? Im not sure how much you can realisticly do before he's actually taken them?? I think if you got clued up about exactly how you would have to proceed if the worst happened, you might feel more empowered to leave them alone?

I would be more worried about your DH, he didn't tell your BIL that the idea of leaving you and breaking up his family was insane. I would stop worrying about Christmas and visiting your SIL and focus on this, is your DH thinking of ending your marriage and going for custody? Sit him down and discuss it. He needs to assure you 100% that's not the case and that he has made it clear to his brother that leaving you isn't something he's considering.

Then you can talk about how his family make you feel. You can refuse to go at Christmas, although I'd be reluctant to accept DH going with DS without you, DS might be too young to understand what's being said now, but in a couple of years, he'll be there without you listening to you being slagged off, or at least see that Mummy isnt important, she can be left behind. Let your DH go on his own, but I cna't see a good father being given the choice would choose not to spend christmas with his child. If he says "oh you know what she's like" say "no, you need to listen, I'm saying she's really hurt and upset me. That might be what she's like, but that doesn't make it less hurtful or me less upset."

If you feel up to it (and are certain they will decline) you could get your invite to them in first, get DH to send an invite to them all to spend Christmas at your house because you will be spending it at home. Obviously, if they can't be arsed visiting you at any other time, they'll decline, but then any complaints of "oh, I didnt see my DGC at Christmas" can be met with "but we asked you, you chose not to come." there is the slight possiblity they will chose to visit you, but seems unlikely.

Sounds like that way we do things. DH goes to see whever he wants, and is free to take any/all of the children with him. I go if I want to, but if I don't I stay here. Simple. I haven't seen MiL for over 2.5 years now, which is fine by me

No YANBU. We do not visit my inlaws, ever (approx 300 miles away). So many reasons, but it basically comes down to the fact that injust don't like them. They come down a couple of times a year, but Dh knows that we will never go and spent Xmas at their house. I refuse to ruin it for myself. He's free to go alone, but would never choose not to spend the time with our children.