Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To tell OH I'm not visiting his family

43 replies

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 09/08/2012 00:55

At christmas or when his SIL has her baby.

Basically, I don't get on with his family and I refuse to make an effort for people who dislike me for what I consider normal behaviour.

I would never stop OH from going, and will always try my hardest to ensure he can take our son with him, but I don't want to go myself anymore.

I can't get over certain things some of his family have said to and about me. I would end up sat there feeling awkward. I'd rather save myself the trouble and expense of being away from home and just be alone.

Aibu?

OP posts:

diddl · 09/08/2012 11:18

"He's free to go alone, but would never choose not to spend the time with our children. "

Why couldn´t he go with the children?

WelshMaenad · 09/08/2012 11:25

Because they're my children too, and they spend Christmas with me. I will not be separated from them got the sake if grandparents that don't care about them overly.

He can visit them at other times of the year and take them if he wants, but he's never chosen to. Tbh their tri-annual torture visits are enough for him I think. They're more than enough for me.

diddl · 09/08/2012 11:30

Why would you get priority for Christmas, though?

missymoomoomee · 09/08/2012 11:33

In all honesty TheQueen, it sounds to me like you are a bit paranoid because of what happened with your ex, you are taking it out on your partner, you and he aren't communicating properly, he is confiding in his family, who are then taking it out on you which is making you more paranoid and so it goes on. Its a viscious circle that is getting worse. No one really calls their family to tell them things are going great in their relationship they only call to moan about when things are going wrong, if this is all his mother is hearing then that would explain why she doesn't seem to like you. You need to have an open and honest chat with him and let him know he can come to you with any problems or if he is unhappy and you need to talk to him about the things that are upsetting youu.

WelshMaenad · 09/08/2012 11:35

Because they're my children?

I should probably point out that DH and I are still together, in case that's causing confusion.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/08/2012 11:36

YANBU

And even if you did get on with them it doesnt mean you have to spend every Christmas with them just because they expect it

I think avoiding them and allowing your OH to have whatever relationship with them he chooses is the best way to go

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2012 11:40

Why shouldn't she get priority over her MIL, diddl? They're her children, ffs!

DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2012 11:43

I think - if your DH is undecided about what to do for Christmas tehn you should make a decision about what is happening and tell him. Why not have Christmas at home with just you, him and your son? Maybe tell him you are inviting your parents over, or maybe get your mum to invite you over?

How do Christmases work in your house?

I would be pissed off about the emails too. It's not nice when other family members are messaging eachotehr about you but refuse to include you in the discussions.

Kladdkaka · 09/08/2012 11:45

I guess it depends on whether you would be happy if your husband didn't want to go to your parents and expected you to go on your own because he didn't get on with them.

Original poster

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 09/08/2012 13:29

Imperial - Yeah.

Diddl - half the conversation was missing because bbm only stores so much unless you specifically select the option to log them, so I don't know what else was said, I only know what I read. My oh didn't agree or disagree. Like I said before he never does. Its really annoying and makes me cringe because I don't understand where his spine goes when his family are concerned.

Shesback - I don't think oh would actually leave. Its the fact it was suggested. My daughters dad did something similar and while it didn't work, it was one of the scariest days of my life.

If he did it, I'd get a court order easily.

I know I'm taking what dds dad did to me out on oh. I feel awful for it. I know just because dds dad listens to his mums demands doesn't mean he will.

Tbh I think him just standing up for me properly would help.

Kladd - yeah I'd be fine with that. Who I spend christmas day with isn't a big deal. I just don't want to spend it (or any other day) with his family.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2012 13:35

who was it who told you to 'sort your shit out' and what was your DH's response?

Miggsie · 09/08/2012 13:39

I think the key thing is your DH saying "you know what she's like", in my experience that always always points ot a family with a real bully in it who has browbeaten everyone so much that this is their standard response to anyone pointing out how bullying the person is.
My dad used to say this tomy mum all the time about my grandmother who was a foul bully and picked on her daughter in law unmercifully.

Your DH has normalised his mohter's bias and bullying and the fact the rest of the family side with her (why not, if you dispute with her you get it in the neck - just as you have). Therefore your DH won't understand that you, as a newcomer to the family find hte family norm quite horrible.

You don't need to keep seeing his family, they sound quite awful, and you can tell your DH that hteir dynamic is bullying and nasty. He won't understand.
I suggest you read "toxic in laws" and also you need to accept that your DH is conditioned to do what his family says and if you make waves you will be blamed for rocking the boat.

diddl · 09/08/2012 14:04

"Why shouldn't she get priority over her MIL, diddl? They're her children, ffs! "

Oh dear, excuse me for trying to think of it another way

I think its the way it comes across as blackmail-you can go-but you´re not taking the children-why shouldn´t they go with their father?

ChitchatAtHome · 09/08/2012 14:17

Because their father has made a commitment to their mother to love and cherish her - or whatever their vows actually said, and to me (and probably for Welsh) that would mean bloody well being there for Christmas!!!!!

diddl · 09/08/2012 14:51

Yes-but if they are invited & OP chooses not to go..?

I do see why OP doesn´t want to go/doesn´t want to see them btw.

I just hate the "I´m not going & therefore the children can´t either"

WelshMaenad · 09/08/2012 14:55

Because it would make them totally miserable to spend Christmas without their mother and with a bunch of people they barely know.

We've never been 'invited', either, in fact, the past 3 Christmases the inlaws have been on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. This is just something I made very plain to DH when our eldest was born.

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 09/08/2012 14:59

Why do you have to go anywhere for Xmas? Why not stay at home and have Xmas day together as a family, and then your P can take the DC to his Mum's on Boxing Day (and you can chill out).

I certainly wouldn't go anywhere for Xmas I didn't feel relaxed and happy and nor would I be without my children on Xmas day (Unless we separated but that isn't the case).

Your OH sounds like he has no firm views on the matter, so let him know how you feel & start planning a lovely Xmas Day (not quite yet though - it's bloody August).

diddl · 09/08/2012 15:18

"Because it would make them totally miserable to spend Christmas without their mother and with a bunch of people they barely know."

I didn´t realise that you knew them.

But I agree with Hip that Boxing Day seems a good solution.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread