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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have spent the last hour sobbing for my baby back...

75 replies

VIX1980 · 08/08/2012 20:16

Im a new mum, ds is 6 wks old today. his 1st week was in intensive care, i was also in hospital, had lots of problems throughout with in law but when he was 3 weeks old i left him with my mum for an hour while i went to choose some carpet for his room, she answered the phone to mil, and ever since she had been moaning at how unfair it is my mum gets preferential treatment.

so today i heard from a relative mil has been slagging me off to anyone who will listen telling them how i think shes a bad nan, i dont take him there cos she smokes etc. i dont take him there cos ive never got on with her so y would i start visiting now. Ive finally given in tonight though and hes gone to visit for a couple of hours whil i stay here and his dad is playing football, yet all ive done is sob since they left. i still think hes too young to be with other people, mil sees other family members with the gc's and thinks she should be the same.

tell me im being stupid to be crying and get over it. i know i cant keep him to myself, my sensible side does know that! but my hormones are telling me to come up with an excuse to go and get him off her, in a way i feel like ive been pushed into it before im ready.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 08/08/2012 21:05

ive read the post,her dp will get baby 9ish- thats now
no 8Omin traipse required,nor would i advise it
some firm assertiveness to say no to mil, that s required

lem73 · 08/08/2012 21:12

I had a lot of crap like this from mil when my first was born. It just added he whole stress of being a first time mum. I think it's only natural you would turn to your mother for help at first and she should understand, but she obviously won't. I think you'll have to develop a thick skin when it comes to dealing with her and only do what feels right for your little family.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, a baby must not be exposed to cigarette smoke. Even if she doesn't smoke in the house when the baby is there, it will be on her clothes. My health visitor told me not to allow relatives who smoked to hold the baby. Your baby comes first, be firm on this point.

lovebunny · 08/08/2012 21:12

go and get your baby. do not be separated from him again. trust your instinct. you are a good mum - anyone would sob under those circumstances.

RabidAnchovy · 08/08/2012 21:22

So you have left him with your mom and now your partner has taken him to visit his mother, both Grannies have had a turn with the baby, now keep them both away till you are ready to leave him again, but really you can not in all fairness pick one over the other

Northernlurker · 08/08/2012 21:29

Why have you left a six week old with a woman he doesn't know and who smokes? I would say go and get him back but I see he'll be home soon

You're a mother now. You can't keep him to yourself but you can and should act in his best interests and there is no need for any grandparent to have sole charge when a baby is 6 weeks old unless and until it suits you. Don't be oushed in to doing this again.

scottishmummy · 08/08/2012 21:30

all the go get em crew,are you reading the 80minute walk for mum?
her partner collecting baby 9 anyway
important now is to not be coerced into visits the mum no happy with.and no contact with smokers

Haberdashery · 08/08/2012 21:32

really you can not in all fairness pick one over the other

If one smokes and the other doesn't, I think you kind of can, actually.

Uppermid · 08/08/2012 21:32

Hopefully you have him back now. Please don't ever feel pressured or bullied into doing anything like this again.

He is YOUR child, not a doll or toy to be passed around. No is a complete sentence, you do not need to explain yourself to anyone.

YouOldSlag · 08/08/2012 21:37

Haberdashery- totally agree.

MyLittleMiracles · 08/08/2012 21:40

Confession, i cried last week when my little boy went off to stay with my bestie for the night because i needed a break, and he is 2 and it was something i was happy with and actually glad of. But it was still my little boy going off and i cried for a while, walked to the shop for chocolate and then a little girl said hello to me and i got teary again

It is hard. Dont do anything you arent ready for, and even when you are its fine to feel sad and teary about it.

Original poster

VIX1980 · 08/08/2012 22:50

He is home now, thankgod, at least i know they looked after him ok for the time i do need him looked after, which after the way my nerves are tonight wont be for a very long time, i now know 6 weeks is way too early to part with him!

thankyou for all making me seem normal! x

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 08/08/2012 22:54

good,hope youre ok
now work on your assertiveness
and saying no

shesariver · 08/08/2012 22:57

I really dont understand the 2 comments here "I would never let my MIL have my baby but my parents were OK" kind if thing. Second class GPs indeed.

scottishmummy · 08/08/2012 23:00

op reports bad experience of IL
and they smoke
no wonder she has misgivings.maybe just being pragmatic

shesariver · 08/08/2012 23:01

No Im not talking about the OP, I get that, it was the other comments.

scottishmummy · 08/08/2012 23:02

yes the other hysterical run,run get your baby
ignoring the 80min traipse etc
all very hsitrionic

PeppermintLatte · 08/08/2012 23:05

glad you have him back now, OP. I was happy to leave my DD for a couple of hours at that age, but i fully understand why you sobbed, you aren't ready yet, just give it time.

shesariver i see what you mean, it does seem unfair on paternal GP's sometimes, but it must be natural to feel more comfortable with your own mother. i'm glad i have a DD to be honest.

shesariver · 08/08/2012 23:34

pepper of course its ok to be more comfortable with your own Mother but MILs are the fathers Mother and its as if that doesnt matter. Its as if its all about new Mums and not new Dads feelings.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 08/08/2012 23:53

Oh am glad you have him back... For weeks I couldn't let my ds out of my sight, & got itchy when people held him too long & I could see he needed something.

& when he was 5 days old & we came home from hospital his father started to take him out of the bedroom & I totally freaked out (he'd only been taking him into the other room so I could get a break!).

The strength of the bond totally took me by surprise & I had thought I'd be a really relaxed new mum... & I was, as long as my baby was in my arms or attached to me!

Well done for surviving, and now both gm have 'had a go' you can relax into what you want to do & not let anyone take him unless you really want to.

Ps this does wear off btw! My ds is now 2yrs 6 mths and stays the weekend with his grand ps every month - he loves it & I get a rest, & it makes homecoming very happy when I see him again :)

FussArse · 08/08/2012 23:55

As a mother of 3 sons, if this is the prevailing attitude amongst DILs, I'll hardly get to see my grandchildren at all then.

Not you-OP. Your MIL sounds a bit 'off' TBH.

Hmmm. May have to start discussing fair play with my kids while they're still teens.

PeppermintLatte · 08/08/2012 23:58

shesariver it is mostly about the mother though, she carried the child for 9 months, gave birth to the child, and is the one whose hormones are going crazy. I do feel for some paternal GP's though, but as long as they get to visit their GC (which of course they will, it's their son's child) then they have to accept that's enough until mum is ready for a break & to be parted from her child. If they are patient that time will come, who doesn't want a break from a toddler?!!

Softlysoftly · 09/08/2012 00:03

Go get him! I didn't leave DD1 alone with MIL until she was 2, and I like my MIL! We just didn't feel ready and it wasn't neccessary.

jellybeans · 09/08/2012 00:18

YANBU at all. Go get your baby and never let him go till your ready again. It is common on here for some people to say fathers should have equal rights to take baby alone as it doesn't need to be the mother and dismiss the mothers importance. I disagree with them.

zipzap · 09/08/2012 00:26

did your ds come back smelling smoky? If so there's one good reason for not letting your mil have him there for a long time (regardless of if she smoked near him or it was just residual smoky smell from the house!)

ya definitely nbu - don't let her pressure you into handing over your ds if you don't feel like it. And if she asks for a date then give her one - something like 4.37pm on Friday 19th June 2015. and just say that you are not ready to commit yourself or your baby to anything else at the moment

She'll be so shocked that you have given a date so far in the future that hopefully it should throw the conversation in a whole different direction!

Don't suppose that your mil has her own dd does she - that you can find out how much influence your sil lets her mil have with a newborn around?

jellybeans · 09/08/2012 00:27

Just read he is back now that's great. I had MIL issues and you must not give in to them or it will get worse. My MIL was round everyday with first baby, it was hell. She wanted her alone from a week old and to take her abroad etc without us after a couple months. All that while ignoring me and she had tried to get me to abort DD for much of the pregnancy. 16 years later we get on OK but things only got better when DH and I stood up to her and distanced her contact. If she had been normal it would have been fine.

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