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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in not insisting that DS moves to another part of the country

44 replies

Antalya1 · 08/08/2012 19:18

I have the possibility of two jobs, one based in the north and the other in the south. This would be a promotion for me, with a payrise and a great job to boot. DH's contact finishes in a few weeks time and although he's been looking for something else it's difficult. In his line of work there are many more opportunities in the south. DS19 can't find a job here and is very happy to move, however DS16 hates the idea of moving. He loves his friends and likes the familiar. He is someone who knows his own mind and I don't think that he would adapt well and I would feel incredibly guilty if he was miserable. I have two weeks to make up my mind on this and would have to move in about 2-3 months.

I don't feel that I should make him move, however the generally concensus seems to be that for the good of everyone I should go for the move. So AIBU in putting his needs first?

OP posts:
PenisVanLesbian · 08/08/2012 19:20

I wouldn't. He's still a child and should not get to dictate the lives of everyone else.

Margerykemp · 08/08/2012 19:22

He's 16- he has to suck it up and move. At 18 if he is financially self sustaining he can choose to move back.

TeapotsInJune · 08/08/2012 19:26

I think this is something that needs discussion and talk to be honest and it won't be easy. I wish you well x

Petsinmyolympicpudenda · 08/08/2012 19:26

Move, at 16 he will be moving on himself in the not to distant future, putting you're lives on hold till then is silly

NatashaBee · 08/08/2012 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2012 19:31

Where is DS2 with school/exams/work? Because it makes a difference. I was carted around a bit as a kid and hated it for a while. It worked out for me but only because my parents made sure that my education didn't suffer and I kept in touch with friends. They paid for me to travel to see them and them to travel to us.

Snog · 08/08/2012 19:32

It would be pretty bad for your dh and ds to be unemployed in the north compared to employed in the south presumably?

I think this outweighs your younger son not wanting to move. Bribe DS2.

coppertop · 08/08/2012 19:37

I think that if the whole family stays purely because ds2 doesn't want to leave his friends, there is going to be a lot of resentment further down the line.

Your ds1's employment options may not improve.

Your dh also faces unemployment.

So instead of potentially having three wage-earners in the family, you will only have one.

Some things are more important than a child's social life.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 08/08/2012 19:39

YABU at 16 I'ld make out like my world would end if I was torn away from my mates... give it a few weeks and I'ld have fallen out with them anyway.

Seeing his father and brother gaining employment will do a lot for his aspirations and confidence about going out into the world, so it would actually benefit him to move to somewhere where he doesn't see unemployment enforced on half of his family! - in that way it wouldn't just be for the benefit of DS1 and DH

and also for the sake of your relationship, which affects both your DSs. My DH isn't great with periods of unemployment, neither am I, and it does affect us as a couple if one of us is getting down about not working

maybenow · 08/08/2012 19:43

It's not clear from your post about what's north and what's south but if you, your DH and your DS1 would all have improved employment prospects if you did move then i'm afraid DS2 is just going to move with you whether he wants to or not. In less than 2 yrs he may well be considering moving away from the family anyway (is university an option for him? or FE college? what are his future plans?)

HeathRobinson · 08/08/2012 19:46

I'd move south, in your position.

Presumably, at 16, he's at a transitional time himself anyway? So he could settle into a new school/college to do A-levels and make new friends.

If you do move, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/08/2012 20:08

" DS16 hates the idea of moving. He loves his friends and likes the familiar. He is someone who knows his own mind and I don't think that he would adapt well and I would feel incredibly guilty if he was miserable."
And on that basis you'd deny DH and DS19 the opportunity to get jobs? Seriously?

When you say knows his own mind, what do you actually mean? Because it can be read in many ways. I'm reading it as 'opinionated and keen to make others aware just what his opinions are, at length'. So because he shouts the loudest, he gets priority? Why would you feel guilty? Has he made you feel guilty before?

The move benefits three people out of four. The fourth person would have to be affected detrimentally to a MASSIVE amount to balance the overall benefit to the family.

As an aside, a friend moved overseas for a few years, work-related. It was decided that the timing was bad for one son (educationally) and so he boarded with a mutual friend (son was very familiar with the mutual friend and her family) until he had completed his A-levels. Would that work for you?

landofsoapandglory · 08/08/2012 20:15

I wouldn't let the fact that DS2 hates the idea of moving stop the whole family moving, especially when it seems like it would be better for the majority.

My DH is Forces so my 2 DC have had to move a fair few times. It looks like we might have to move this time next year. DS2 will be 16 and just finished GCSEs. He doesn't want to move, nor do I really, but that's life isn't it?

TheScottishPlayer · 08/08/2012 20:25

I'd move. Both my sibling and I had to move at 16 (at different times) because of work/unemployment avoidance. We were both furious at leaving friends but came out of it unscathed. I had a great time at my new school and made fantastic friends. Tbh, looking back, if my dad had faced unemployment because I didn't want to move I'd be mortified and racked with guilt now. How will your DS feel when he's older if the family struggled financially for a while so he could stay with his friends?

LemonBreeland · 08/08/2012 20:34

I think if 3 out of 4 people want move then that is what should happen. He is not an adult, he doesn't get to make the decisions.

fivegomadindorset · 08/08/2012 20:36

Move.

Original poster
Antalya1 · 08/08/2012 20:51

Thank you for all responses and they all seem to be of the same opinion! The reason for guilt if he's misearable is that a few years ago I was putting work before DS's to such an extent that I worked to late on my DS's 10th birthday and didn't see him until late that night. He told me that it was his worst birthday ever and from then I decided that I am the only DM they have but a job's just a job, so they have always come first.
I have moved around a lot in my 20's & 30's, both in this country and abroad so am used to setting up home from scratch and 10 years ago settled where we now live, deciding that I wanted the DS's to grow up in a community and it's worked out well and both have a wide group of friends.
Possibly I'm a bit frightened of a move as well, so there is a lot to think about and consider!!!

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/08/2012 20:56

It must be really scary for you - but don't let the guilt of having cocked up once 10 years ago cloud your judgement here. We've all cocked up along the way. Whatever you decide, do what suits the majority of you, not one individual. There will always be another community, new friends etc.

Hassled · 08/08/2012 20:57

Sorry - 6 years ago

maybenow · 09/08/2012 11:30

I know that living in a community you know is a great thing - but unemployment is a really corrosive thing, if you don't move you are risking unemployment for your DH, DS1 and eventually DS2 (if his dad and brother can't get work then i doubt he will either).

Also, you haven't said what the future might hold for DS2 (university, FE college, work) and although it's not a nice thought right now but you might be only two years off living separately from him and his brother in different parts of the country.

Before you make any decisions though ensure that you are right about there being better work prospects for you all down south, the cost of living is so high that you really do need to earn more to make up for it (i moved from the south east to scotland five years ago and find it easier to live up here).

floranora · 09/08/2012 11:35

i moved out at 16, why cant he? if not tough titty he'll have to go!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/08/2012 11:42

I moved out of home at 17, but part of the reason for that is that I was taken away from all my friends and a life I loved a few years before that because my mum thought it would be best in the long run. It might have been for her, but it wasn't for me. Id rather have been able to stay at home, but why would I want to live with parents who put themselves first at my expense?

I wouldn't do this to my children, I want them to know that they come first in my life. Eventually they will be grown and I wont have to base every descision I make around them, but until they are old enough to go it alone, they will come first.

PigletJohn · 09/08/2012 12:01

If you can make arrangements with a friendly family to B&B him at weekends, that might help. And offer to have his chums come and stay in the new place. Of course there is always a chance that he will run away from (the new) home, but better to be lodging with a family than sleeping in a bus shelter.

Pseudo341 · 09/08/2012 12:02

Doesn't really sound like much of a choice, moving is the sensible option. If there's willing Grandparents locally though I'd consider letting him stay behind. Outraged, how is trying to support your family being selfish?

KickTheGuru · 09/08/2012 12:08

why would I want to live with parents who put themselves first at my expense?

Wow that's precious.

We moved around a lot growing up. We moved to where the work was or where there was a potential for a better life. I don't blame my parents at all - they were the ones bringing in the money.

If I sat and cried about how nasty they were to move us around, we would have needed benefits. My parents never claimed benefits. They did what the had to to bring us up.

Even if it meant moving us away from mates or what we knew. If my parents had the mentality of "can't upset the kids", my life would be royally fucked right now. They did what they did to work and to live - not to spite us either. They did it FOR us.

If a parent is suicidal or will soon be unable to care for children, why should they put their lives and their minds on the line? What do you think a kid needs? A dead parent, or one that can't find work and can't bring in money?

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