AIBU in not insisting that DS moves to another part of the country

[Antalya1]

I have the possibility of two jobs, one based in the north and the other in the south. This would be a promotion for me, with a payrise and a great job to boot. DH's contact finishes in a few weeks time and although he's been looking for something else it's difficult. In his line of work there are many more opportunities in the south. DS19 can't find a job here and is very happy to move, however DS16 hates the idea of moving. He loves his friends and likes the familiar. He is someone who knows his own mind and I don't think that he would adapt well and I would feel incredibly guilty if he was miserable. I have two weeks to make up my mind on this and would have to move in about 2-3 months.

I don't feel that I should make him move, however the generally concensus seems to be that for the good of everyone I should go for the move. So AIBU in putting his needs first?

I think that in this climate you have to consider the employment prospects of everyone in the family to be the priority.

I know you feel bad about what happened on your son's 10th birthday, but if you stay put purely because your 16 year old wishes it, then you may be doing a great disservice to your other son and also to your husband, if moving really is the best option for them.

Sometimes, you just have to accept that you cannot please everybody, so you have to do what is right for the majority. Moving will not harm your son - he will settle and make new friends.

As an aside, my dh's parents moved every year when he was growing up. When he was 17 he was forced to move once more and did so, kicking and screaming. However, he met me in his new home town, so is pleased really that something he hated the idea of actually turned out to be a good thing. You never can tell - he may well love the new place and if not, there is nothing to stop him moving back in a couple of years time. Bet he doesn't want to though!

I would move him too.
He needs to find a job soon so living where there are jobs will benefit him too.

"why would I want to live with parents who put themselves first at my expense?"

teenagers always think that their parents are being selfish and not understanding or "getting it" and just thinking about themselves, are you still a teenager?

I never used the word selfish, and in my situation there was more to it than just moving for a job.

But parents who put themselves first at their children expense are selfish IMO. Sometimes there is no choice and a descison has to be made that will upset children, but that's not always the case.

OP has said she has a choice and she has said that she doesn't think her ds will adapt well. So personally, I think it woudo be wrong to take the choice that could, by the OPs own admission, result in the ds being unhappy. The other ds is 19, and could move on his own, the 16yo deserves more consideration than the 19yo IMO.

But the bottom line is the same, my Mum made the descison to move because of what she and my step dad wanted, not because of what was best for the family, and that included me. I have forgotten it and have a great relationship with my Mum, but I lost respect for her as a parent and I haven't properly forgiven. I was miserable for years because of a descison she made for her own benefit. I would never do that to my dc.

Moving in this technological age is not as much of a wrench as it used to be. With social networking and skype it is not as if he will not be able to see/speak to his friends. And if he is University inclined, would going to Uni back there be an option? It would then only be a move for 2 years.

" Id rather have been able to stay at home, but why would I want to live with parents who put themselves first at my expense?"
Seriously? You'd expect your parents to put you wanting to be near your mates above being employed? If they had done so, would you be providing for them financially in old age, because their occupational pensions were zero?

" I think it woudo be wrong to take the choice that could, by the OPs own admission, result in the ds being unhappy"

what sort of contentment will the DS2 have seeing his father and brother unable to work knowing that that was what he had to look forward to when he was DS1's age

its not selfish to push yourself further and make yourself happy when you have DCs, I have become much more driven and determined to enjoy my life since having DCs BECAUSE of them and because they learn by example

Op, I too moved at the age of 16 because of my dad's jobs. It has been very positive for me, I got a much better education for my a levels than I would have otherwise, it was a good time to move as lots of people change at age 16 to new schools and colleges so he won't be the only new boy.

Sorry but since does becoming a parent mean you have to sacrifice your happiness and your life? How much do you expect a parent to give up?

Surely having a miserable parent in a miserable relationship is worse for a child?

That's a very, very sad and selfish outlook on life. Children are more adaptable than adults. They don't have to worry about money or paying rent or making ends meet. Why should a child be put first if the parent is going to lose any part of who they are - which means they potentially lose a part of what it means to be a good parent.

My parents moved an hour out of the city. We had no way to get home after school and so we had to play sports or go to friends' houses. We were picked up at about 6pm and we drove home together.

It wasn't fun during the week, but we had the most awesome house and the most awesome life. We didn't want to move, but our parents weren't those pathetic types who wanted to fork out thousands for a 4 bed house. They weren't those pathetic people who believed kids should rule the world.

I can see why children are so precocious with attitudes like that. No wonder there is so much unhappiness about confusion about. You don't have children so that you lose who you are and you lose your happiness and give up your life. You have children to have a family. An extension of love. A group of people who will ultimately be happy no matter where they are because they know that life isn't "against" them.

Teaching your child and harbouring the idea that everything a parent or someone else is potentially something done "against" them or "to spite them" is where a child will never accept responsibility for their own actions or for their own happiness. They adapt. They grow. a

I never said my Mums descison to move was about employment FFS!

And this is supposed to be the OPs situation we are talking about anyway, she doesn't want to move South, she has a job possibility where she is, doesn't say if the dh has started looking for a new job after this contract ends, which it hasnt yet, and the other son is 19 and perfectly capable of going on his own if he wants to. Certainly more capable than a 16yo would be!

My parents decision to move us wasn't about a job either and I haven't once thought about blaming them or suggesting that they did it "at my expense".

Maybe you adjusted better than I did and better than the OP thinks her son is likely to then KicktheGuru.

I'm sorry, but you are still carrying around guilt from 6 years ago when you came home late on his birthday..... You need to get over it!!! Only in these days of small families can parents make commitments to be there for most of their children's birthdays.

Just remember a child's NEEDS come before an adult's WANTS. But the child's WANTS DO NOT come before an adult's/family's NEEDS.

And a family needs to have a good income, and be together as a family unit while their children are young.

Yeh I probably did. I watched my parents struggle and I watched them boom. I watched my dad out of work hating himself and I watched him happy at work

I guess I learnt that the world didn't revolve around me when I very young so I did learn to get over it quicker.

I still want to know: is he sitting GCSEs this year? If so don't move him if possible, can he lodge with someone else?
Or is he starting sixth form? If so can he take a year out? Or transfer to the same courses (ideally you would be moving before September).
Or has he got a job or apprenticeship? Can he lodge with someone and stay?

Wow, I thought this theead had gone to the archives. Again thank you for the responses, I have read them all and have taken what everybody says on board. Until the last couple of years I have been a single DM and from the age of youngest DS being 3 I have worked full-time out of necessity, and the short of it was that I really wasn't there when they needed me, so there is still that residual guilt there.
It really isn't a case of letting him dictate what will happen, but at the moment there isn't a guarantee of either jobs for DH or elder DS. So lots to think about over the next week.

sorry I left out what everybody has been asking, he has sat his GCSE's and is waiting for the results before he goes off the college, not to sure about Uni, his goal is to earn a 6 figure sum!!!! and quite honestly he would dig holes in the road in the snow if this is what it paid. My Mum does live close by and he could stay with her....but I hate the thought of us not being part of a family!

Being able for find jobs to support the family trumps a 16 year olds strops about wanting to live by his friends.
Skype is available he can move himself back at 18, I'd move to whichever area has the best chance for Dh and other Ds to find a job too.

our parents weren't those pathetic types who wanted to fork out thousands for a 4 bed house - Kicktheguru, can I move to wherever you lived that involved buying houses for less than thousands of pounds?