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AIBU?

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Original poster

Children and graves

29 replies

MyLittleMiracles · 07/08/2012 22:49

I have a anniversary tomorrow of the birthday of a very close friend and plan to go to visit the church where he is buried, the only thing is i have my little boy as well, he is two and will undoubtedly be asleep whilst i am there so will have no knowledge of it, i would go chat, lay some flowers and leave, most is about an hour it would take me, he would be asleep, is it really that bad to take him there? I used to walk home through a cemetery and that didnt seem bad, but this seems different some how.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/08/2012 22:51

My grandparents died when I was 2. I didnt go to the funerals, but I was taken to the cemetary a short while afterwards while my mum tended the grave.

It is a cemetary, a peaceful place. Nothing to be scared of.

There is nothing wrong in taking children to a grave at all.

nokidshere · 07/08/2012 22:52

Why would you think its bad at all? Children often have a much better and more logical view of death than we do as adults and it can be explained very simply and without fuss if he were awake.

PacificDogwood · 07/08/2012 22:52

Why on earth would it be 'bad' to take him there??
Honest question. Of course I'd take my child if need be, without any hesitation.

Death is part of life and children are surprisingly accepting of that.
At 2, whether awake or asleep, he'll be blissfully unaware of the significance of the place anyway.

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 22:53

Nothing wrong with taking him even if hes awake.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2012 22:54

Why would you think it was bad?

Even if he were 3, 4, 5 etc I'd say take him.

Noqontrol · 07/08/2012 22:54

No I don't think its bad. Dd and I often walk across the graveyard and talk about the people there. I think its quite nice really.

squeakytoy · 07/08/2012 22:54

I should add, after that we went to the cemetary regularly, at least once a month. I grew up reading the gravestones, looking at the epitaphs.

I also grew up watching a tv series called Lizzie Dripping, which anyone over the age of 40 will probably remember. The main character lived in a graveyard.

Cemetaries are not frightening or weird to children.

I love going to old churches even now, and wandering quietly around the gravestones.

ToysRNotUs · 07/08/2012 22:54

Mine have been several times, I don't see the problem.

McHappyPants2012 · 07/08/2012 22:57

I have taking Dc to my grandad grave since they was a few months old. My dd comes with me more as ds is in school and she helps with the flowers and gets water for the pots.

wigglesrock · 07/08/2012 22:57

I've always went with my Mum to my grandfathers grave, from when I was a baby, same as my sister. Both my grandfathers died before either of my parents were teenagers - we all go at Christmas, their birthdays, Easter, Fathers Day etc. I have a 7, 4 year old and an 18 month and they have been to graves before.

We all go to Cemetery Sunday every year, along with half the country Grin

EdithWeston · 07/08/2012 22:58

I have always taken mine, from when they were babies.

Obviously (if awake) you need to be reasonably sure that they will not behave in a way that might impinge on any other visitors. But that's not hard to achieve, and their presence can be comforting.

Original poster
MyLittleMiracles · 07/08/2012 23:00

I was okay about it til someone put doubts in my head, and made me feel i was doing wrong. I like walking through them, they are peaceful. I dont want my little boy getting upset about it, as someone suggested he could and confused so I doubted myself, its porbably not helped by me feeling a bit rubbish as a mum at the moment either.

OP posts:
KenDoddsDadsDog · 07/08/2012 23:01

Dd has gone to my BILs since she was a baby. She's 2.5 now and just says he's in his house.

WildWorld2004 · 07/08/2012 23:02

My dd(8) loves walking through the cemetary & visiting my granny. We walk through look at the flowers and read the graves.

Tommy · 07/08/2012 23:03

we have visited my god-daughter's grave regularly since she died 9 years ago. My DSs know that she's buried there under a tree. We go, look at the tree, talk about it bit and then go for a walk. It's part of their lives.

PacificDogwood · 07/08/2012 23:05

The only person which ishoos here, is whoever advised you there might be a problem.

I love cemeteries. V peaceful. And some v beautiful.

I hope you'll have a visit full of good memories at your friend's graveside.
Your LO will be just fine.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2012 23:05

OP, I think most people who have a negative view/fear of graveyards tend to have it because horror films/thrillers etc...are sometimes the only way they see them.

If you grow up being accustomed to these places, it will be more normal and a lot less scary imo.

Original poster
MyLittleMiracles · 07/08/2012 23:06

You are helping me feel better, i only recently found his resting place and it being his birthday tomorrow makes it feel like i need to go to say hi to him and remember him

OP posts:
5madthings · 07/08/2012 23:07

its perfectly fine to take children to a grave/cemetary, we walk through one regularly and my children quite like reading the headstones etc.

i always insist they are respectful tho and certainly NO climbing on gravestones etc as i have seen some parents let their children do that! actually i have seen adults doing it, we saw the red arrows last year and stood at the top of a hill (whitby) and lots of adults were standing on grave stones and the war memorials to get a better view Shock i wouldnt let my boys do this and told them it is very disrespectful, i was quite saddened that adults would be doing it actually :(

anyway its fine to take him, i am sure you are not a crap mum btw xx

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2012 23:08

Well if by chance your little on isn't asleep, don't worry about it.

Sorry to hear of your loss btw.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2012 23:12

OMG 5mad they were standing on them to get a better view?? Shock Angry

I feel bloody awful having to walk over graves to get to my Mum's...but you just have to now because there are no paths in between due to lack of space and they're crammed together.

When I was a child, walking over a grave was a complete and utter no-no.

But to climb on the stones??

squeakytoy · 07/08/2012 23:14

I have always been brought up with a respect for graves and gravestones.

I cant imagine how angry I would feel if I saw someone standing on one.

That entitled little tosser who was swinging from the cenotaph during the student marches deserved every second of his sentence IMO.

5madthings · 07/08/2012 23:19

yep standing on gravestones and the war memorial to get a better view Shock {angry] i told my boys in no uncertain terms that they were NOT to climb on then and very loudly said how disrespectful i thought it was.

i was brought up to not do it and i just think it is very wrong! yes sometimes you have to walk on graves, and again i dont like doing that, i always try and keep my boys on the footpath in our local graveyard but there are some bits where you cant avoid the graves, esp around the old headstones etc. but they cant still behave respectfully so i dont let them run about etc. maybe its old fashioned? but quite frankly i dont care, there are basic standards and not climbing on grave stones is a basic standard or respect i think!

sorry op have derailed your thread!

Original poster
MyLittleMiracles · 07/08/2012 23:22

My friends grave is just off the main path, so i would leave him on the path, he wouldnt be allowed out of his pushchair, i dont like walking over graves to go to another but its something that has become necessary, i was always taught to be quiet as well, no screaming or shouting. Standing on a grave stone is completely unacceptabke in my opinion and my little boy wouldnt be allowed to do any such thing, if he wanted to stand holding mummy's hand or place flowers, fine. I always kiss my hand and then place it on top of the simple wooden cross that marks his resting place.

OP posts:
QueenMaeve · 07/08/2012 23:36

My dc are always with my when I'm tidying up my mums grave

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