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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be livid with my DP for leaving our DD in the bath unattended?

75 replies

whoopwhoopbib · 07/08/2012 19:37

DD is 20 weeks old and whilst in the bath uses a frame with a towel cover on it as a support.

DP just shouted me from upstairs to ask for a flannel which I took to the bottom of the stairs for him to take from me. I asked him if he had left DD in the bath, not meaning it for one second thinking she would be in her room waiting for him, and he replied yes which I thought he meant in a jokey way because you just wouldn't do that.

He has just brought her downstairs and I asked him where she was whilst he was at the stairs and he said in the bath! I have just shouted at him because I cannot believe he thought this was ok, his response was to say nothing happened to her.

I now don't feel that I can trust him to give her a bath but he says I am over-reacting.

OP posts:

JoInScotland · 07/08/2012 20:47

I hate all that "modern" crap that seems to help parents, but actually creates dangerous situations. The seats or supports in the bath seem to help you, but it actually gives you a false sense of security and makes it easy to take your eyes off the baby, or walk away "for a second" as others have mentioned.

I hate "Bumbo" seats... they're supposed to help your baby sit up... um, what about them using their back and abdominal muscles and sitting up by themselves? Oh, that's right, you'd have to be RIGHT THERE WITH THEM.

I hate those "Baby Walkers" aka Ankle Destroyers. They don't help your baby walk any earlier, quite the reverse. But they do let you get on with the cleaning or whatever, don't they?

So I hate all that junk. I never had a baby seat, the baby was in a shallow bath with me. I never had a Bumbo chair, I sat beside him and played with him (DS). I never had a walker thingy in our 3 story house - complete nightmare. I hate baby bouncers too. I stayed right with him while he was learning all these things - rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking - and it was a lot more work than all these "modern conveniences" but I'm sure glad I did.

Sorry, rant over. Safest thing is to have a parent get in the shallow bath with the baby.

Original poster

whoopwhoopbib · 07/08/2012 20:57

JoInScotland sadly I am unable to get into the bath with DD unless there is someone to help me as I have arthritis in my knees which means I would be stuck in the bath totally unable to get myself out let alone DD.

This does also mean that I cannot easily or comfortably sit on the floor with her but there are ways and means around this - we play a lot on our sofa or I sit on the edge while she is on the floor in front of me. Not everyone can manage to play with their DC's in the way you describe however much they would like to.

OP posts:

Kytti · 07/08/2012 21:03

I agree with autumnmum I never used a bath support, even with my twins, just did them in the bath either with both of us there (parents, that is) or separately. It's still perfectly safe, and you can't put the baby down to go fetch flannels.

He might not have realised how dangerous it was... but really, that's no excuse. He's a father now.

McHappyPants2012 · 07/08/2012 21:11

Yanbu.

On a safety thread can I get you all the make sure your blind cords are safe, there are so many deaths through young children strangled on them.

Google blind safety I would link but on the phone

SardineQueen · 07/08/2012 21:15

20 weeks?

So 5 months?

Erm no way. Even I wouldn't do that and I'm not reknowned for being over-cautious. (Or even cautious, TBH).

So that's a massive YANBU.

sallysparrow157 · 07/08/2012 21:30

I'm a children's intensive care doctor -off the top of my head I can think of 6 babies or toddlers who had drowned but been resuscitated enough to get to hospital (rather than dying at home). 3 died. 2 have been left with such severe brain damage they can't talk or walk or eat. 1 went home with no obvious brain damage. Two of those drowned when they were left unacompanied in a bath.
It's easy to say in hindsight that it is a stupid thing to do and that no-one would ever do it but there are a lot of people who don't think, who think it'll be ok, that just for a minute they'll be fine, that nothing bad will happen. In my job I see the consequences of these things happening - they happen to lovely people who love and care for their babies... bad things can and do happen

Original poster

whoopwhoopbib · 07/08/2012 21:39

sallysparrow I cannot begin to imagine how sad it must be to see those poor children, I am so grateful that nothing happened to DD but I have made DP promise that he will never leave her alone again.

To me water is such a dangerous thing which I think can easily be taken for granted because it is used everyday if that makes any sense.

OP posts:

LordOfThe5Rings · 07/08/2012 21:50

I agree with everyone else, foolish thing to do.

I know it sounds patronising but for the next few baths he does with your dc watch him like a hawk, show him how to do it if necessary.

When the dc are 3 or 4 he can do the little 'just nipping downstairs for 1 sec' but at that age that is extremely ridiculous.

VegansTasteBetter · 08/08/2012 00:10

In all honesty, if he thought you were over reacting and is being so childish as to not the read the thread.. I wouldn't leave him alone with the baby. And i'd insist he tookk a child safety class. Or leave the bastard. And I actually mean that despite having been on mn for years and this is my first time saying it.

Allyinoz · 08/08/2012 06:04

My husband does dopey stuff all the time. It is extremely annoying at best, and dangerous at worst. However I don't get angry with him, otherwise he gets defensive e.g. like saying I'm over reacting. Which IMO creates tension and not cooperation.

Some stuff he genuinely doesn't know, so basically I spell it out in a casual way but making sure he gets the seriousness, like recounting above doctors post. I tell him about recent research RE: SIDS, bathing, car seats, then I monitor it, until I think he has got it.

Another technique of mine is to ask for 20 pounds, then tell him the advice. He always listen to something he is paying for.
Remember you are training up your assistant. ROFL. I know this sounds like terrible man bashing, but realistic I think.

Babylon1 · 08/08/2012 06:09

I have the same frame seat and would never leave ds in it alone, my hands are in the water at all times with him.

AngryBeaver · 08/08/2012 06:19

Oh.my.god.

That's all I can say for now,I'm too to think of more

kirsty75005 · 08/08/2012 07:11

@JoIn. Not really on topic but... do you just have one child ? The second one you might find that sometimes you need somewhere safe to put the baby whilst you look after the older children.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 08/08/2012 07:27

Can I ask a stupid question, but how do toddlers who are big enough to get out of the bath and run away if they're so inclined, drown? I know they can, so I'm not saying I'd ever take the risk, I just don't understand why it happens - unlike my nutter of an 11mnth old for example, who will launch himself head first towards a toy in the bath with nO way of catching himself

Sirzy · 08/08/2012 07:34

Most likely way would be them standing up and slipping and not being able to get themselves back up for whatever reason.

Moominsarescary · 08/08/2012 07:41

They slip and and can't sit themselves back up, maybe have too much water in the bath or slip bang their heads and knock themselves out. My 17 month old still dives head first at toys, then sometimes slips when trying to get back up. If he slips backwards he needs hauling back up too. I guess they might panic if they slip and just drown.

Thumbwitch · 08/08/2012 07:47

Twelve - if they slip and hit their head on the side/bottom/end/taps of the bath, they have the potential to knock themselves out and end up face down in the water. It only needs 2" of water.

I really do hope your DH has learnt his lesson and isn't just being all "yeah yeah, whatever" about it.

My DH has next to no ability to think ahead about dangers, except where boiling water is concerned, and that's only because he was at school with someone who was scalded as a toddler so he's seen the outcome. DS (4.8) has so far evaded serious damage but we've had a few near misses when he's been with DH, purely because he doesn't think about the possible dangers - however, once the "near miss" has happened, he does learn from it (thank God for small mercies!) Drives me crackers. I really wish there was some way to instil a sense of fear/danger in DH but he's too fucking blasé about too much, so I am probably over-cautious in compensation.

Moominsarescary · 08/08/2012 07:48

here is a link that was posted last week, it's about the dangers for older children in the sea and pools but reminds us that drowning isn't always the loud affair we think it is

MrsKeithRichards · 08/08/2012 07:50

JoInScotland - your medal is in the post but in the meantime please share some of your awesomeness and tell me how you manage to eat?

CaseyShraeger · 08/08/2012 07:55

Also read about the Instinctive Drowning Response. That article's focusing on pools or open water, but the same general point applies - when you are submerged for long enough to trigger the body's "oh shit, I'm drowning" response you don't respond in the way that seems most sensible/logical and it's difficult or impossible to get yourself out of it without assistance. So if a toddler slips and is submerged for long enough for the IDR to kicks in he or she isn't going to be able to get up.

CaseyShraeger · 08/08/2012 07:56

Cross-posted with Moomin linking to the same article...

TwelveLeggedWalk · 08/08/2012 08:45

Thank you all, makes sense. Incidentally we're doing one of the baby swim programmes which claim to help babies overcome that 'oh shit I'm underwater panic'. I thought it was pretty improbable (but wanted to swim with them anyway) but I've already seen my Ds react the same way when he accidentally dunks himself tin the bath o when we dunk him (with warning) in the pool so while I woud never assume anything I do wonder if it might actually help a tiny bit.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 08/08/2012 08:52

In the bath.. We don't have a tin bath (in front of the hearth, with bread and dripping for tea)

Moominsarescary · 08/08/2012 09:02

Possibly, none of mine went to the baby swimming classes. Although we taught them to swim from a young age. My niece has been going since a few months old and shows no fear of water at all, which is quite scary. At 2 she will walk round the edge of the pool and just jump in. Mine always had a healthy fear of that the water at that age ( we go on family holidays togeather and stay in a villa) and wouldn't go anywhere near the edge unless someone was with them.

I think either way you have to be aware at all times with children and water. Even with those who are older and swim well. My cousins son drowned in a pool in his back garden, even though he could swim a little bit. His 12 year old brother took him out the pool in to the house, while his mum got the twin babies out. When she got inside the 2 year old had ran off from his brother, she went looking for him and he'd ran round to the side door and got outside and back in the pool. He was taken off life support two days later.

MadameCupcake · 08/08/2012 10:53

I find that my DH is not as careful as I am with stuff, I am very conscious of crossing roads and water etc but he seems to be a lot more laid back. He is brilliant with the DCs but I do worry that he is too relaxed with them.

For instance if they are crossing the road he will walk a little way into the road in line with the edge of the parked car without holding the boys (6&4) hands. To me, I just see that they could keep walking past him thinking it is ok to cross. I have picked him up on it but he doesn't seem bothered and says he was watchnig them.

Is it a mum thing about being much more careful - or are some men just way too lapse?!

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