<lifts bolt handle><lock down><aims>.....

[nickelbarapasaurus]

I am thinking of starting my own vigilante corps.

1: to the old couple who crossed the road yards from the pedestrian crossing (while their light was red) and caused a motorbike to screech to a halt, nearly getting themselves knocked over in the process because they didn't heed the rules of the road and didn't even care when I told them off for it
2: to the countless knobheads who stop over the pedestrian crossing because the traffic has backed up at the crossroad lights.
3: to the van drivers who park their vans half on the pavement by my shop, causing a hazard to all people with buggies/prams/wheelchairs.
4: to the Carer who parks on a single yellow line immediately as the restriction comes into force, and not only that, opposite a junction (which road doesn't have parking restrictions and would mean a 10 yard further walk to the house she's at) - when I pointed it out she used the excuse "I'm caring for an elderly lady" (I'm sorry, I didn't read that bit in the Highway Code that said you could break two Highway Codes rules in one hit if you were caring for an elderly lady )
4: to the lady who parked in the Disabled Bay because it was after 6, and after having it pointed out to her (in case she hadn't noticed the road markings), she said in front of her 10-year old child that she didn't care.

Feel free to add your own.
(IANBU)

1. For the cyclists who insist on trying squeeze past my car on the left while I'm stopped at traffic lights, but are unable to get through as it's a narrow lane then sit on my left side blind spot, only appearing as I attempt to do pre-indicated left turn.

1. For pedestrians who insist on walking behind my car.when I.am reversing - I checked before I started to move that there were no people about. If you stopped where I could see you, I would stop reversing and let you pass.

1. For all the drivers who don't seem to know how roundabouts work. - how bloody difficult is it to give way to the cars on your right - and it's the same rule for mini roundabouts - being smaller doesn't mean the rules suddenly stop applying.

Phew.- that's better.

1. For the drivers who don't acknowledge when you have let them through a tight space. It's easy just to raise a hand to say thank you.

1. For drivers who don't indicate on roundabouts or worse indicate right all the way even when getting off the roundabout.

10. For cyclists who insist on riding two or three abreast on narrow roads when riding single file would allow cars to over-take safely and give them lots of room.

.... and breathe

For drivers who reverse into parking spaces in the supermarket, then come back with a trolley full of shopping that they first of all try to squeeze between their car and the one parked next to it, and then wander back and forth with numerous bags scraping against the other car. Just go in forwards you stupid twat, then you can load your boot without damaging other cars.

For drivers who don't know that mini-roundabouts have the same rules as big ones . Don't sit there like a glaikit fool. Move when you have the chance.

Twat drivers who drive at 45mph in a 60 zone then continue to do 45 in a 30 zone

Drivers who think that using hazard lights makes their illegal parking legal.

For every single cyclist who rides on the pavement. Every. Single. One.

For drivers who don't stop at crossings

For anyone who goes through red lights

For drivers/motorcyclists who speed and rev and make a bloody lethal nuisance of themselves

Driivers that sit up your arse thinking it will make you speed up, I'm in a landrover, sit too close and I can't see you, also if I have to stop suddenly your car will not survive the impact.

Spitters and spitters of chewing gum.

People who do not indicate.

To the cyclist who, whilst I was sat in a stationary queue at a red traffic light last night, shot out of a side turning without looking and hit the side of my car, leaving a nice dent in my passenger door and removing my wing mirror in the process. "fuck off" is not really an appropriate response and unlucky for you, the car waiting to turn out of the side street was your next door neighbour so I now have all your contact details and you've been reported to the police!

For the moron who couldn't read the no right turn sign, and turned right, while my daughter and I were crossing the road, and gave me the finger - there is CCTV at those traffic lights you know!

1: The lad who stepped out directly in front of my bike this morning, on quite a fast road, about 50m from a pedestrian crossing, having looked in my direction and made eye contact, looked the other way, then forgotten he saw me and marched off the pavement anyway. Because I saw him look, I assumed he wouldn't step out, but he did so I had to shout "No! stop!" very loudly to make him stop and avoid hitting him at high speed.

2: The woman on the other side of the road who then shouted at me "You should be wearing a helmet". OK, so I should, but I don't think I was the one at fault in this situation. Oooh I so was tempted to circle round and ask why she thought my wearing a helmet would have stopped a brainless twit from stepping out in front of me.

ooh, yes, people who don't indicate!

to the people who sit in the yellow hashed box when there is no right turn at that junction - you can't even pretend to be going right, and you're blocking both roads that come out onto that junction!

People that do not indicate into my local Tesco
Cyclists that ride on pavements, especially outside my dcs schools grrrr
Postmen that leave my post hanging out the letterbox
Co-op workers leaving trolleys in the way of every aisle in the way so my pushchair cannot get past
Tesco deli men undercooking sausages
People that park infront of my drive

Cars who sit across the solid-white-line cycle lane well before the road turns from a 1 lane to a 2 ready for a junction. You're still not going to be able to get any further ahead, as the road still isn't wide enough for 2 cars, and you're blocking my way.

for cyclist who cycle through GREEN MEN, I am watching you

for drivers who don't indicate - there are other people on the road you know!

Drivers who thinking driving so close behind me that they might as well be shagging me in order to make me drive faster. It's a 30 zone ffs.

People who are waiting to cross a busy road who stand with their child's pram in the road.

People who when approaching a road that requires merging will whizz down then insist on pushing in at the last minute instead or merging when there was a clear opportunity.

The people who park on the double yellows at Tesco, blocking the road, to avoid the one way traffic flow, even though there are plentiful bays nearer the store.

HipHopSkip, I like it - I'm going to start screaming 'I AM WATCHING YOU' at cyclists who behave like tossers from now on! Fun times

People who put their fog lights on in the rain. It just distracts other drivers making them more, not less, likely to crash into you.

Also, at the other end of the spectrum, people who don't put their headlights on in heavy rain when EVERY OTHER CAR ON THE ROAD has their headlights on.

Lorry drivers driving 10 feet behind cars in heavy rain. Braking distance my arse.

Cyclists who ride in the road but then if the trraffic lights are red, hop up onto the pavement to go across the pedestrian crossing then hop back into the road after the junction and carry on. One rule or the other, fuckers, you can't have it both ways

Equally, cyclists for whom I slow down instead of overtaking them and turning left, and who then turn left themselves, having not indicated. How hard would it have been to indicate? And how much would you complain if you thought a car driver was being inconsiderate to you?

(I am a cyclist too, I just do it properly, with consideration to others, making my manoeuvres obvious so there is no confusion, and, since I cycle in the road, obeying the road signals like traffic lights)

Drivers who try to overtake cyclists when there is literally 3mm of space to spare

Anybody else on the road when I am in a hurry!

People using pedestrian crossings with no traffic lights who cannot be bothered to lift a hand or nod a head. It is not their right to be on the road. It is simply a place where you prepare to cross the road like anywhere else (looking both ways) and a driver is to stop if he sees you there. If he doesn't see you, he is entitled to continue to drive and you wait for a space in the traffic and acknowledge the manners of the driver who did stop.

Van drivers who act like every other vehicle on the road is a massive inconvenience to them, drive like manics right up your arse and overtake (usually dangerously) at the earliest opportunity.

And to several neighbours in my street - driving at speed while either talking on a mobile or buckling your seatbelt is fucking dangerous and stupid, especially in our cul-de-sac!

lottapionos I shout at them all the time. Usually things like "green men for babies not big boys/girls on bikes" "I'm watching you, yes YOU" or similar - I try to humiliate them for doing what they must know is wrong - especially as they are cycling around me with baby and 4yo.

DP fears I will be attacked by a crazed crack dealer on a bike one day, so I've compromised and usually stick to commenting to the obvious commuter infringer's (crack deals not known for wearing fluro yellow and helmets)

We have a regular road to cross that is particularly bad for this. My secret dream is to throw eggs at cyclists cycling through green men until I am arrested. But I'm not quite brave/mad enough yet life is so busy finding that window is difficult.

ooh, yes, mis-use of foglights!

their aim is for when it's heavy fog so people can see you! you don't need to put them on in the town when it's at most 2 yds between each car and we're at about 20mph!

Dog owners who stop and wait while their dog drops a pile of shit on the footpath/grass verge and then walk off leaving it there.

People who think putting their hazards on means "I can park like a twat wherever I like"