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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to show an interest in our baby?

44 replies

Commutinghell · 06/08/2012 21:46

DD is 8 weeks old. Very laid back, easy going baby. Sleeps all night, only cries when she is hungry. DH is a very devoted husband, does loads round the house, especially now I spend a lot of my time with the baby. I'm breast feeding so often it has to be me with the baby.

Sometimes though, I just want DH to show the baby some attention. I give her to him to spend time with, but he lasts about 30 seconds and puts her down. She's too laid back to worry about it, she just amuses herself watching the world go by until I feel sorry for her and pick her up again to play with her.

AIBU to expect DH to spend a bit of time giving his daughter some attention? It's not for my sake, I'd happily spend all my time with her and let him do the housework, which would suit him too. I just want her to have a bit of a bond with her dad as she grows up. AIBU?

OP posts:

HecateHarshPants · 06/08/2012 21:48

No. Tell him how you feel.

8 week old babies are pretty dull though, no matter how much you love them and she doesn't worry about it because she's 8 weeks old, not because she's laid back

Just tell him how you feel. That you're worried there will be no bond (I'm sure there will, but if it worries you, you need reassurance)

BarredfromhavingStella · 06/08/2012 21:49

Harsh but true fact-babies are very boring things which is why a lot of men find them quite uninteresting. Wait until dd starts to interact, you'll notice a vast difference in their relationship.

Wigglewoo · 06/08/2012 21:50

Yanbu. He needs to be more involved but maybe he just isn't very good at knowing what to do just yet esp if your baby is so easy going :)

By the way I ready "sleeps all night" and choked in jealousy... My ds is 8 weeks and wakes 3 times a night (the joy)!

pictish · 06/08/2012 21:51

I agree that newborns are pretty boring I'm afraid. Much as I adored all three of mine - their company wasn't exactly scintilating.
When they get to six months or so they're a lot more entertaining.

ColumboIsMyHero · 06/08/2012 21:51

First, congratulations!

YANBU but... IMHO many dads find it hard to really connect with very young babies. DH is a very loving father and is utterly brilliant with our 3yo - but he does find young babies much less easy/interesting to interact with.

I'd recommend finding a 'thing' that becomes DH's time with your DD. Perhaps bathtime? or reading to her before bedtime? It doesn't really matter what it is - but if he sees how she responds to him and how she's changing, the bond will naturally develop.

pictish · 06/08/2012 21:54

I remember being told that I should sing to and talk to and read to my newborn as much as possible. I found that very hard as I felt I may as well have been reading to the cat.
I'm sure your dh will warm to the theme in time.

Tangointhenight · 06/08/2012 21:54

He will when she's older, a lot of dads I know admit that newbie s are boring and hard work, once she starts laughing and dancing and squealing with glee when he throws er in the air they will have a great bond.

Also I make DH do her bath every night, I've bathed her3 times since she was born and she's 10 months, and its a great way for them to bond and me to get a cuppa!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/08/2012 21:55

Try not to worry, my DH was exactly the same, very helpful, affectionate, proud etc. but not exactly fascinated by her company. I found other mums of tiny babies more interested in her every bowel movement than DH.

He was a full time Dad when I went back to work when my DD was 5 months old and he was absolutely fantastic. They are pretty inseperable now.

Congratulations on your lovely baby :)

pollyblue · 06/08/2012 21:55

Yes, give him something to specifically 'do' with her like bath every night, something that can become 'their' time. 8wk babies are hard to play with because they don't exactly do much Maybe he feels a bit self conscious or awkward with her as she's so new and tiny? My Dad was (apparently) like that, but as I got older he was great and we get on famously.

lindsell · 06/08/2012 22:05

I agree with give him something to do - my dh's 'job' with ds2 (and was same with ds1) who is 13wks is to wind him after a feed as he's better than me at that. Both Ds1&2 have also gone to sleep well on dh's chest in the day and that's a nice bonding thing so if eg you're having difficulty getting her to nap (or just when you think she's ready for a short sleep) then maybe suggest he tries that.

Also he may not know what to do - maybe suggest things that you've found she likes (particularly in the next few weeks as she learns to giggle) - eg singing songs/gentle bouncing/blowing bubbles at her.

I was disappointed this time round that dh didn't bother taking hardly any of his (fully paid) paternity leave but tbf there wasn't much he could do as ds2 spent (and still spends ) most of his time bfing. I know that even so dh loves ds2 and will have a great bond with him as he does with ds1 and I'm sure your dh will with your dd in time.

naturalbaby · 06/08/2012 22:07

My dh was exactly the same. I ebf and did most of looking after baby so there wasn't much for him to do really. As other's said, they don't really do much at 8 weeks - I remember feeling bored a lot of the time!
As soon as they start smiling etc and there's an obvious response my dh started feeling more of a connection.

She's not going to be traumatised for life because he didn't bond with her like you did in the first few weeks of her life.

HappyCamel · 06/08/2012 22:09

You could try giving him something to do with her. DH enjoyed bathing dd and picking out clothes. Some guys are a bit task orientated and babies don't interact much at that age. Now, at 16mo, DH does everything I do with her and probably enjoys it more than me

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:15

Just go out! You don't have to go far-a walk around the block if you like. If you are not there he will have to time to bond on his own-which is very different from always having another adult in the house.
Either that or just tell him that it is his turn to do the bath and leave him to it.

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 06/08/2012 22:19

I put DP in charge of bathing both babies from very early. He was v nervous at first but all the skin to skin, the care and tenderness required, the direct and personal connection bonded DP and his babies really well.

He, like many people do, felt quite freaked out by the little babies and this helped him overcome this and develop a fantastic relationship with them. He's now a v hands on dad.

purpleloosestrife · 06/08/2012 22:28

Like PP, my DH is now amazing with our (2 year old) DD - but was not so interested when she was a newborn. He loved her more than anything, but struggled with this stage.

I know there are lots of men out there who are great with their newborns, but it comes easier for some and not for others. I wouldn't condemn a new mother for who says she loves her baby but is struggling to "connect"...so a new father is no different. Some take to fatherhood like a duck to water, some (like my DH) take a little time.

As she grows and interacts, let him watch you having fun with her (like lindsell suggests bubbles/songs/bouncing etc) He'll soon copy this and the first time she smiles at him, he'll be suckered !! My DD has DH wrapped round her little finger!

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:33

I think that the problem is that most parents start out being utterly clueless about babies but the woman quickly becomes the 'expert' and the man leaves it to her. The best thing is to leave them alone-they can manage if they have to! 'Putting him in charge' makes him sound like an extra child and not an equal parent.

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2012 23:23

It's odd (to me) to see people saying babies are dull. I remember being on maternity leave and thinking my daughter was the most interesting, fun companion I'd ever had! I was never, ever bored.

MurderOfProse · 06/08/2012 23:41

My husband has always been the same with our three DC. Finally with the third he admitted he thinks they're dull before 12 months. He does the things asked of him, like nappy changes etc, but is quick to hand the baby over or put them in a swing etc. He pays no attention to the baby in my tummy whilst I'm pregnant either, nor shows much interest in a BFP, which was really hurtful the first time round but I was used to it by the third.

He's wonderful with them as they get older though - he really does interact with them as much as I hoped he would and is a great dad!

Original poster

Commutinghell · 07/08/2012 01:05

Thank you for all the reassurance and useful suggestions, I will give then a try.

OP posts:

Malificence · 07/08/2012 07:56

Who are all these pathetic men who are uninterested in their own babies?

It's not something I've ever heard of until I started seeing it on MN.

To those of you with such partners, why do you excuse it so readily and why isn't it a deal breaker?

HecateHarshPants · 07/08/2012 08:08

I was a pathetic woman with very little interest in a rather dull newborn. Glad it wasn't a dealbreaker for my husband.

I loved them to death, but hell, they weren't very interesting!

GhostShip · 07/08/2012 08:24

A question, can dads get a baby related depression like we do? This just reminded me of a question id wanted to ask

HecateHarshPants · 07/08/2012 08:29

Apparently so, although obviously nothing like PND! And nothing chemical etc. But I have read that fathers can feel low after a baby is born due to a combination of lack of sleep, shock of total change of life, feeling pressure to provide, remembering their partner in pain ...

Which makes sense, I suppose. Take any human being, restrict the number of hours sleep they get (and make sure it's broken) totally change their life, give them critical responsibilities and make them watch someone they love in agony and I bet they'll feel a bit low about it for a while

But it's not PND, the condition.

GhostShip · 07/08/2012 08:59

Ah right. Thanks hecate.

naturalbaby · 07/08/2012 13:50

It's not that my DH was uninterested, he just wasn't paternal in a way that I was maternal and didn't have that same bond. He also felt a bit lost as I'd planned everything and 'knew' what to do but he didn't.

It doesn't make him pathetic that he struggled to bond with his tiny baby who slept for 2weeks (so didn't do much) then was very grizzly and grumpy and only wanted his mummy.

There are plenty of mothers who struggle to bond with their newborns too - does that make them pathetic?

There was some publicity (last year I think?) about dads getting pnd, which was shrugged off as genuine as pnd is related to the mothers hormones isn't it? However, men can and do suffer from sleep exhaustion, stress, anxiety and depression just like mothers do.

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