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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to show an interest in our baby?

44 replies

Commutinghell · 06/08/2012 21:46

DD is 8 weeks old. Very laid back, easy going baby. Sleeps all night, only cries when she is hungry. DH is a very devoted husband, does loads round the house, especially now I spend a lot of my time with the baby. I'm breast feeding so often it has to be me with the baby.

Sometimes though, I just want DH to show the baby some attention. I give her to him to spend time with, but he lasts about 30 seconds and puts her down. She's too laid back to worry about it, she just amuses herself watching the world go by until I feel sorry for her and pick her up again to play with her.

AIBU to expect DH to spend a bit of time giving his daughter some attention? It's not for my sake, I'd happily spend all my time with her and let him do the housework, which would suit him too. I just want her to have a bit of a bond with her dad as she grows up. AIBU?

OP posts:

Mrbojangles1 · 07/08/2012 14:17

To be honest men dont really coe into their own with babies until they can do a bit more babies are. Very dull and tohe most you can really do with a 8 week old bar change its nappy is hold it

Dont worry once baby is 1 and walking and saying few thing you will be on here saying he is taking over :)

Malificence · 07/08/2012 15:09

It saddens me immensely that, yet again , men are let off the hook for their (mostly deliberate) failings, by women who must enjoy having the "upper hand" regarding babies , I can't think of any other reason why they would let a huge issue like this slide.

There is no logical reason why a man should be uninterested with their newborn - other than breastfeeding, they can do ( and absolutely should do) everything a mother can do, my DH did and more importantly , he wanted to, so did my BIL.
Why do women want to be the only one who can settle a fractious baby? talk about making a rod for your own back, I've heard women moaning that they can't leave their baby for 5 minutes, erm hello, why do you think that is?
I don't know if this is a recent thing, my DD's 22 so I may be out of touch but I would have expected younger men to be even more engaged in early parenting, not less.

AThingInYourLife · 07/08/2012 15:22

I don't think there's anything innate or inevitable about a man not enjoying spending time with his 8 week old baby.

DH is very sweet to our newborns. When DD1 was about 4 weeks old he would come in from work, prop her up on his knees and she would coo at him for ages. It was adorable.

8 week old babies are able to interact, and is is worth encouraging him to chat to her.

He probably just doesn't know how, or that there is any point yet.

It will improve their bond if he can figure it out.

naturalbaby · 07/08/2012 15:30

There is no logical reason why a man should be uninterested with their newborn but what appears uninterested may actually be fear/anxiety etc etc. How is that a deliberate failing? Most of the suggestions on the thread suggest a bit of understanding and support, not letting them off the hook.

Until men have the biology that women have, and the hormones to go with it, they have to work a bit more at bonding with their newborn.

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 07/08/2012 15:37

I can guarantee you he will be a different person having bathed the baby for two weeks. Show him what to do, walk away and leave them to it.

exoticfruits · 07/08/2012 19:12

I put it down to the fact that the mother gets left alone with the baby and she never just leaves him alone and goes out of the house when the baby is small. She ought to be able to just go out without issuing instructions -it is his baby too!

exoticfruits · 07/08/2012 19:13

I agree with HipHop and the the important bit is -walk away and leave him to it.

darksecret · 07/08/2012 19:23

My DH said all the right things on the first day of DD's life, then stopped giving a toss for months. When she was a couple of weeks old, he remarked casually that he thought she 'might be disabled' because she looked a bit funny.

A year later he is beyond head over heels for that child.

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 07/08/2012 19:25

DP used to say things like "she's becoming more human now"
But I think in part he did initially feel like the newborns were alien to him.

exoticfruits · 07/08/2012 19:28

I think that newborns are alien to a lot of people-I found it scary the first time having no experience. What I don't understand is how you both start utterly clueless and the woman then becomes the one is charge who 'lets' him and issues instructions. It is much better to both learn together and not tell him what to do.

maybenow · 07/08/2012 19:34

this might get me shot down in flames but i'm not sure that an eight week old baby needs played with all the time.
if she's happy and content, what's wrong with her amusing herself by watching the world go by for a bit? you say you 'feel sorry for her' when she's left alone but i think babies who want attention will soon let you know and no harm in just letting them be sometimes.

if you want your DH to bond more with your DD then like others have said, agree something for him to do specifically (bathtime, storytime, bed routine, winding, changing... )

Malificence · 07/08/2012 19:53

Exactly exoticfruits, I had never even held a baby until I had my own, neither had DH, we were 24, living in Germany away from family and we learned about parenting together.

We spent the first two weeks of DD's life in our own little cocoon and it was the most precious time of our life, nothing compares to those first few weeks of being parents.
I can't understand these men who aren't fully involved in the newborn stage, it's such a short time and passes so quickly.

A man who all but ignores his newborn is not a great dad.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 07/08/2012 20:00

Whilst I agree that, objectively, babies are boring at this age, I never experienced this (lack of) reaction from my DH. If anything he was more comfortable, relaxed, bonded with DS1 than I was at first. I wonder if bottle feeding contributed to this?

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 07/08/2012 20:03

... actually, they aren't boring at all. We both found their every burp and poo fascinating

Downandoutnumbered · 07/08/2012 20:33

One of my happiest memories of our very early days with DS is of DH sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of the hospital room holding hour-old DS, with the most wonderful expression of total adoration on his face. He thought DS was the most awesome thing that had ever happened to him, and he bonded with him much better and faster than I did. I have lots of lovely photos of DS as a small baby asleep on DH. (I breast-fed, by the way, Jamie, so I don't think feeding method is the determining factor.)

CheshireDing · 07/08/2012 20:39

I agree with others OP, our PFB is 10 months now and at first DH showed me what to do whilst he was off on Paternity Leave but since he went back and she was ebf and spent all day with me the tables have turned and now I sometimes have to show him.

Yes get him to do bath and story time then you go in to feed.

DH takes her swimming too. I think it's just that usually the man is at work so you just need to explain what your routine is, how you play etc whenever he is off work.

They will find their own way together and do things together and probably more so she gets more interactive as others have said.

Original poster

Commutinghell · 07/08/2012 21:59

Thanks all. I do leave him alone with her, but always come back to her in her chair and him in front of the tv. I'm hoping for a miracle when the olympics finish! We are taking her to watch them tomorrow and he will probably carry her in the sling so maybe that will be a bonding moment!

OP posts:

onemorebite · 07/08/2012 22:19

My DP admits that he wasn't really that interested in DD1 until she was at least 1 - and tbh he only got properly engaged when she was 3. He is a bit more involved with DD2 as he has them both all day one day week now but he definitely prefers it once he can have a conversation with them.

If you are happy to spend the time with your baby I wouldn't worry about your DH, especially if he is running around being helpful. He is probably trying to make your life easier - so I think you should chill out for now. If he still isn't engaged when she starts crawling about and saying "daddy" then maybe have a word.

EugenesAxe · 07/08/2012 22:35

YANBU but I know of quite a few men that have been like this. As someone said 8wo babies are pretty dull and it seems that most men start perking up when children can do things. Or when they laugh and smile more.

See if there's some other way he can bond as you are BFing - bathing etc.

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