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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weekends away etc .....

45 replies

Babylon1 · 06/08/2012 10:07

Now I don't think I am being unreasonable, but maybe you think I might be..... Sorry could be long......

DH took a phonecall from his mate last night.

Mate has booked another weekend trip to Butlins in October.

I've told DH that I don't want him to go, not that he can't go or shouldn't go, just that I don't want him to. I've told him there will be no consequences if he does go, but I need him to know I don't want him to.

So why?

Well, he went away with these people last year, spent a fucking fortune, came back completely hungover said he hadn't enjoyed himself really and wouldn't go again. He also took our car last year and I arranged to borrow my mums so I could still get to work. I was also about 16 weeks pregnant.

In march this year DH went away for a week on the school PGL trip - really enjoyed himself and is going again in September.

Last month he took dd age 7 to Scotland for a few days on his motorbike.

All of the times he has been away, I have been left at home with the DCs.

Next week we are going away for our family holiday to Cornwall for 5 nights camping. The weather forecast looks a bag of shite and tbh camping with 3 DCs isn't exactly a holiday for me, I still have to do the same as at home just in less space and probably pissing down rain. Still we're going and that is my holiday for this year.

Just as a bit of background, DH has been away with lads at least once (sometimes more) every year since we've had DCs - I haven't been once :(

Part of the reason I haven't been away is that DH doesn't trust me. I did have an affair over 4 years ago, and we separated briefly but we're still together. That is kind of a separate issue now.

So if he goes, I'm tempted to book a week away in the hot sunshine with my friend and just go. It's not about the money it's about me always being left at home with the kids - just because he's working now and tired :(

OP posts:
skateboarder · 06/08/2012 10:10

It doesnt sound like you get much (any?) Time to yourself. On that basis only yanbu.

RollerCola · 06/08/2012 10:11

Has he ever been on his own with the kids before? Maybe he just doesn't appreciate how hard it is. I would definitely go away yourself for a few nights.

He can't expect to go away without considering your views, and then tell you you can't do the same.

Book somewhere!

TheFidgetySheep · 06/08/2012 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnocchiNineDoors · 06/08/2012 10:22

I dont really think you can count the PGL trip if it was a working week away. And when he went to scotland he did take one of yor dc. Why doesnt he help with the dc / etc when away camping? Does he just sit there?

He is bu to 'stop' you from going away wth your friends (imo if he chose to stay with you after you cheated then that should be a clean slate). However I dont understand why you accept him 'telling you you cant go'?

Original poster
Babylon1 · 06/08/2012 11:09

If I were to book something and go away, he would be fine with that - until I got back. Then it would be questions, accusations, silent treatment and snide comments about how he gets left to babysit Sad

I have very little time for myself, I haven't had (except a couple of hours here and there) any time on my own since ds was born. Yes I am BFing him but also expressing so DH can do some too.

When we go camping, it isn't that DH does nothing, but the mundane stuff and keeping the camp pitch tidy always falls to me.

I'm feeling really sorry for myself now, DH just popped back from work to collect some more tools and we rowed Sad

He says I have put him in the middle and whichever way he turns someone will be upset.

I'm sat here crying and I'm thinking of phoning to book some more relate counselling as I just don't think I can deal with this.

I'm thinking there is a very real possibility I am suffering with a bit of PND, I'm struggling with 3 DCs by myself, I'm tired as haven't had a full nights sleep since sometime in March (before ds was born) and now it looks like DH is going to go off on yet another short break and leave me to it Sad

I feel really low, hard done by and on my own and it stinks. And if I tell him this, he just goes quiet and ignores me to a point.

He doesn't want to upset his mate, who yesterday evening was only thinking about booking this break, and miraculously before 9am this morning had booked and paid for it, meaning DH has to let him down and still pay for it????

Apparently it's too last minute for the space to be filled even though it's only Butlins and they're not going until 12th October Sad

OP posts:
BarredfromhavingStella · 06/08/2012 11:11

YANBU, talk to him regarding this. If he goes away with the lads every year then you should be able to go away with your friends.

Agree with Gnocchi about the cheating thing, clean slate.

StuntGirl · 06/08/2012 11:17

He either trusts you or he doesn't. Clearly he hasn't got over the affair. I'm assuming you both decided to make another go of it and you didn't hold a gun to his head. I'm also assuming you both decided to have another kid recently. I'm sorry but he can't still make you pay 4 years later.

You need to sort out equal time away. If he has this weekend, that's ok, but you get a weekend away too. And he doesn't get to question it or be a dick about it afterwards either.

Like I said, he either trusts you or he doesn't. I suspect relate might be a good idea because he's clearly still got unresolved issues and it's not healthy for your relationship.

I'm sorry you're being made to feel so crappy babylon :(

TheBirderer · 06/08/2012 11:18

I agree with gnocchi too. You shouldn't be punished forever and stopped from going anywhere by yourself, and neither should he feel he has permission to go on as many weekends away as he likes and spend loads of money. He's taking the piss.

StuntGirl · 06/08/2012 11:18

OH and when you're away he's not 'babysitting' he's parenting his own children ffs. He's a twat just for holding that viewpoint imo.

MrsTomHardy · 06/08/2012 11:28

Agree....he can't babysit his own dc!!!!

You both need an equal amount of down time, sounds like you aren't getting any at all.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 06/08/2012 11:28

I can understand that he wants extra reassurance... fair enough.
but making you suffer by banning you from going out/away is only going to make it more likely that you are unhappy and separate.

also he is totally unreasonable tio moan about looking after his children at the weekends all on his own the pathetic wimp.

BarredfromhavingStella · 06/08/2012 11:33

I hate the whole 'babysitting' thing-no, it's called looking after your own child Angry

avivabeaver · 06/08/2012 11:33

tbh, i think that men often just book, arrange and go, whereas us women agonise over such things, worry about the practicalities and what others will think of us.

what is the issue- is it him going, or you feeling hard done by because you have not had a break?

if it is the latter, simply book something, tell him you are going and get on with it!

Paiviaso · 06/08/2012 11:36

It sounds like you don't make any plans to go away, and then moan that your DH does?

If you want to go away, then plan something, you are certainly owed some time away. If you aren't going away because you are scared of accusations, then you need to work on this with your husband, instead of just avoiding the issue and being passive aggressive about him going away.

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 06/08/2012 11:38

Book it and ignore the passive aggressive shite.

Or better yet, challenge him on it and ask him why he is still punishing you for a mistake made four years ago and the lack of equality in your relationship.

Emotionally blackmailed into being a skivvy is not something I'd call a happy relationship.

As for this trip, remind him of why he said he wasn't going back again, if he decides to forget that, ask that he sets a budget for the trip and make sure he knows that you will get your opportunity to go on a similar trip at some point too.

GoldenFucker · 06/08/2012 11:41

I think your H should stop punishing you, and you should stop letting him

Your H sounds rather cruel actually....like he rubs his "freedom" in your face while you are left knackered and defeated at home with the dc yet again

I would have the conversation again...but this time I would tell him he cannot go and that there will be consequences if he does

but that's just me

trixie123 · 06/08/2012 12:35

I agree with those who say that he can't use the affair as a reason to keep up this imbalance. You have both chosen to continue the relationship and therefore you have to go forward on a fair and equal basis. I think you need to have a straightforward talk with him and in regards to the October trip, well, presumably he told his mate he could go so its not fair for the mate to be out of pocket and makes no sense to waste the money if its not refundable BUT I would insist of having a weekend "off" in return, even if its just at a friend's house where you can lie in, have a long uninterrupted bath and read etc.

WilsonFrickett · 06/08/2012 12:45

I think counselling would be a really good idea. I think there are still a lot of unresolved issues between you. He obviously either doesn't trust you, or is still punishing you - neither of which is OK, but if you haven't resolved your issues then it is kind of understandable.

Apart from the 'babysitting' thing. That really grinds my gears. you can't babysit your own kids [anger]

wantstosleepnow · 06/08/2012 12:53

Hi OP

This was me a few years ago, I hardly went out for 2 years after my affair. But then I slowly slowly started to do more things, he was very passive aggressive about it but I carried on slowly.

Last year I went away for a few nights separately and then a weekend away, he wasn't happy about it but it's getting easier over time.

Give him the choice, tell him you need an equal amount of time away from the family. If he then chooses to not go away again then see
How you feel. You can't carry on being punished, there will come a point where u start going away, so why not now.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 06/08/2012 16:02

Thanks for the posts, really appreciate it.

I have called to make a further appt with relate which will hopefully come through soon Smile

I've taken the kids to the park and he joined us there and is being nice as pie, but I just can't let it go this time else it will eat away at me Sad

OP posts:
MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 06/08/2012 18:10

Quite franky, keeping you locked up and miserable is more likely to push you in to another affair than anything else.

Was he like it before the affair?

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 06/08/2012 18:11

frankly*

Original poster
Babylon1 · 06/08/2012 18:58

No there was never any issues with going out/away separately before.

He doesn't keep me locked up per se, just makes it uncomfortable with accusations afterwards Sad

I realise how bad that sounds reading it back to myself Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 06/08/2012 19:02

Avivabeaver - the issue is him going. I want him to say no to his mate and put me and the DCs first, not make up for it afterwards Sad

I know that sounds unreasonable but is it really?

I'd rather spend the time together as a family than any amount of time away on my own, and yes, I resent him going when I'm left holding all 3 DCs by myself.

But he doesn't even think about that Sad

OP posts:
shorttermnamechange · 06/08/2012 19:11

Speaking as someone who has very recently discovered my husband's infidelity, I still think he is taking the piss here. He may always fear that you will be unfaithful again, but if he carries on with this shite behaviour, you are more likely, rather than less, to leave him, whether someone else is involved or not.

He made a decision to stay with you, so to keep punishing you is unacceptable. What would be acceptable/reasonable is for him to admit that he is still very much affected by what happened and to insist upon further counselling.

It was also his choice as much as yours to have another baby - looking after them is 50% his responsibility and neither parent has a right to make their own arrangements without consulting the other and getting the okay, because while one partner is gone, the other one has to cover their share of the work.

I am also incensed by the babysitting comment. They are not just your dc, they are his too and he cannot 'babysit' his own dc. He is a fuckwit for saying that, alone.

I would say that he is not to go on this weekend. If he promised his friend and has to pay for it, then tough shit - it will make him not make rash promises in future. I don't actually believe him, anyway - he is yanking your chain with that imo.

He has a choice - he can either let down his friend or let down his wife. If you are lower down the food chain than his mate, then your marriage is over imo.