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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weekends away etc .....

45 replies

Babylon1 · 06/08/2012 10:07

Now I don't think I am being unreasonable, but maybe you think I might be..... Sorry could be long......

DH took a phonecall from his mate last night.

Mate has booked another weekend trip to Butlins in October.

I've told DH that I don't want him to go, not that he can't go or shouldn't go, just that I don't want him to. I've told him there will be no consequences if he does go, but I need him to know I don't want him to.

So why?

Well, he went away with these people last year, spent a fucking fortune, came back completely hungover said he hadn't enjoyed himself really and wouldn't go again. He also took our car last year and I arranged to borrow my mums so I could still get to work. I was also about 16 weeks pregnant.

In march this year DH went away for a week on the school PGL trip - really enjoyed himself and is going again in September.

Last month he took dd age 7 to Scotland for a few days on his motorbike.

All of the times he has been away, I have been left at home with the DCs.

Next week we are going away for our family holiday to Cornwall for 5 nights camping. The weather forecast looks a bag of shite and tbh camping with 3 DCs isn't exactly a holiday for me, I still have to do the same as at home just in less space and probably pissing down rain. Still we're going and that is my holiday for this year.

Just as a bit of background, DH has been away with lads at least once (sometimes more) every year since we've had DCs - I haven't been once :(

Part of the reason I haven't been away is that DH doesn't trust me. I did have an affair over 4 years ago, and we separated briefly but we're still together. That is kind of a separate issue now.

So if he goes, I'm tempted to book a week away in the hot sunshine with my friend and just go. It's not about the money it's about me always being left at home with the kids - just because he's working now and tired :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Babylon1 · 06/08/2012 19:14

I fear I am much further down the food chain

It's ok to upset me apparently

OP posts:

shorttermnamechange · 06/08/2012 19:22

Then you need to start sticking up for yourself and stop letting him walk all over you.

I am absolutely devastated by recent events in my life, but even I can see that there would be nothing to gain by continually punishing someone, on purpose for ever more.

You must demand respect. If he cannot get past the affair (and I wouldn't blame him for that tbh - not everyone can get past it), then he should separate from you.

You cannot undo what you did, all you can do is be genuinely sorry and never do it again, but that doesn't mean allowing him to treat you like shit for the rest of your lives. Demand change or end this sorry relationship, but don't let this carry on.

Original poster

Babylon1 · 08/08/2012 09:25

Absolutely determined today would be a good day, but no

DH yelled at me before storming out to work.

Apparently I have put him in an impossible position where whichever he turns he will upset someone and it will end up costing him money whether he goes or not

So at him and pissed off

Why can't I come first, for once?

OP posts:

peeriebear · 08/08/2012 09:37

You realise that he's just going to continue in the same vein (sulking, shouting, rowing, making everything your fault) until you 'know your place' and stop arguing back?
What are you getting from this relationship?
If my DH EVER tried to behave the way yours is (babysitting his own DCs? WTF??) I would seriously be reconsidering his worth in the family.

polkadotsrock · 08/08/2012 09:38

having a had a horrible weekend with my generally excellent dh I realised that for too long I had been allowing him to upset me instead of others and he had become used to doing that and just 'picking me up' afterwards. I stood my ground this time, had a huge row, but have finally made him realise that I will not be put behind anyone and that he is to be a proper partner to me from this point on. It is liberating beyond belief and I hadn't even really noticed how bad it was before. Stand your ground, tough shit if he upsets his mate, he'll get over it and presumably has other mates who can go on the weekend, you only have one partner.

Original poster

Babylon1 · 08/08/2012 10:18

He has said he is happy to not go on the weekend, but it is mr who must phone HIS mate and tell him. I've already told him once, and I've told DH this morning that he is not using me as an excuse. I told him to grow a pair and stand up to his PITA mate for once and that no way is he going to be able to tell him I'm not allowing him to go.

I said he needs to tell his mate that this time he needs to give it a miss as he doesn't want to leave me with all 3 DCs on my own. That he has responsibilities and can't just walk away without some element of planning and consultation.

I fear this is not going to end well though.

OP posts:

shorttermnamechange · 08/08/2012 10:44

Well, lovely, you have a choice. You either let him walk all over you and treat you like shit on his shoes for ever more or you don't.

What was he like before the affair? If he was wonderful, then perhaps with some help and honest talking you can get that back again. If he was always a bit like this, then he is using what you did as a way of justifying his nasty behaviour and you would be better off out of the relationship.

While what you did was wrong, if you are genuinely sorry and genuinely trying to repair your relationship, then don't let guilt make you into a doormat. He has to meet you halfway - you can't fix a relationship all by yourself.

It's your life - you only get one, so think carefully about how you want to live it. This would not be good enough for me.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 12:57

you know he will slag you off to his mate don't you ?

who gives a shit, though

stand your ground, your selfish wanker of a H has had it his own way for too long

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 08/08/2012 13:20

If it doesn't end well, and all you are doing is standing up for what is fair and equal, then you have to accept that he is making the choice for it to be that way, it is not your fault, nor do you need to accept less and keep the peace unless you choose to do that. But if you make that choice, I would ask you to question what you get from an unequal relationship and what it teaches your children. Is that good enough for you in your life? Are you happy with being less?

MrMiyagi · 08/08/2012 13:28

"no way is he going to be able to tell him I'm not allowing him to go."
But you're not allowing him to go?

Original poster

Babylon1 · 08/08/2012 19:37

I have not said he can't go, I have said I don't want him to go, there's a difference.

Before the affair he was wonderful, great, everything I've ever wanted or needed, until he started to push me away.

We had some financial difficulties (my fault) we had to sell our home and move - it was never right after that

Someone paid me the attention I craved and I went for it hook line and sinker

Except the grass was not greener.

But we've had lots and lots of relate counselling and I thought we were moving forward. I was wrong.

What do I want? I want a marriage on an equal footing and to know that sometimes I do come first.

Maybe I ABU?? I just know I'll struggle whole he's away and I'll resent him for it

OP posts:

shorttermnamechange · 08/08/2012 21:01

He is going to have to choose - he is either in the marriage or he is not. That is a personal decision for him. What you get to choose is whether you let him continue in treating you like this.

Personally I would say no to the weekend away and I would embark on very frank discussions about fairness wrt sharing the childcare etc and fairness/equality within the marriage generally.

I think it's shit or bust time tbh - tell him that you want to return to counselling and in the mean time you want him to think long and hard about whether he wants to remain married to you. At the same time let him know in no uncertain terms that if he does want to remain married then things are going to change. You are his wife - you should come first above all things to him. If he is unwilling to give you that, then I see no future in this.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 21:49

you are paying for your affair by being turned into a doormat who can't stand up for herself

does that seem right to you ?

you thought you were moving forward as a couple ?

how wrong can you be

notmyproblem · 08/08/2012 21:55

What shorttermnamechange said x10000.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like you need a confidence boost and some work on your own self-worth. Have you had any counselling by yourself (without DH)?

What you want from your marriage is what everyone deserves. YANBU to want that, HIBU to treat you like he is.

Stand your ground... if he walks, he walks. At least you know where you stand. You can either stay married to him and he changes, or you don't stay married to him and find happiness by yourself (or eventually with someone else).

The third option - stay married to him and he treats you like shit for the next 20 years - is quite unbearable I would think. I mean you'd get to be a skivvy and it'll always your fault and he'll never be the bad guy for the next 20 years! The mind boggles. And it could easily be that long, and the longer you wait to sort this out, the harder it will be to sort.

Good luck OP. But whatever you do, don't feel like you have to keep "paying" for what you did 4 years ago. At some point the slate has to be clean again otherwise you will never finish paying and your life will have passed you by before you realise that.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 08/08/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenAK · 08/08/2012 23:03

I think I'd tell him I was not overjoyed about his holiday with mates, but fair enough - & book a break with a friend myself.

He no likey, he needs to sit down & discuss what his expectations are.

He gets to go away with friends whenever, but you don't (because of previous affair?). Doesn't seem very fair.

The rule needs to be:A, in this marriage/family, we discuss viability of non-family holidays prior to booking OR B, in this marriage/family, we are OK to go off on the lash with mates & the other partner works round it.

Either's fine (dh & I are much more scenario B) - but you need to agree, you really do. & your affair of 4 years ago shouldn't come into it, on a practical level - he trusts you or he doesn't.

Original poster

Babylon1 · 09/08/2012 11:02

Thanks for the responses, we have another counselling session booked now so will take things from there

OP posts:

shorttermnamechange · 09/08/2012 11:13

Best of luck Babylon. Hope it all works out for you

Original poster

Babylon1 · 09/08/2012 17:00

Thanks will let you know.

DH has phoned his mate and said he's not going this time, but I can feel the resentment coming off him in waves
He's being perfectly pleasant, but I can tell he's not happy.

OP posts:

shorttermnamechange · 09/08/2012 17:34

Well, you are not happy either. It's not all about him and it's time he learnt that.

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