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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this slightly personally?

35 replies

theotherboleyngirl · 05/08/2012 10:34

I would like to be told IABU as then I can let it go Grin

But honestly, interested to know how others would feel/have felt in this situ:

I have 1 DS and 2 DD's. One of my closest friends has two DD's. Her partner would really like another, she doesn't - I think that's the crux of the matter. But her argument is that she can't take the risk of it being a boy. She "couldn't be a mum to boys". Boys are "weird" to her. She's used to girl things, "what do you do with a boy?".

I accept these are her feelings but I'm finding it hard not to blurt out "everytime you say these things you make me feel like my DS is inferior in your eyes". She often will look at me during these 'anti-boy' rants and say "of course not your DS, he's gorgeous, nothing like the average boy". And she is certainly very affectionate and loving towards him. She also has 2 nephews who they can only tolerate for a few days because of the boys' rambunctiousness, and "boy-ness". But it's hard to believe she can be so loving and accepting of my DS for who he is (part of which is being a boy!) when she generally demonstrates how much she dislikes boys.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 05/08/2012 10:36

Oh ignore her! She's mixed up and doesn't have a clue!

GateGipsy · 05/08/2012 10:37

yes and no. I am sure your friend has no idea how what she's saying is coming across to you. But as mother of a boy it really annoys me when people say this srot of thing.

That said, is she looking to you for reassurance? Next time just say the truth - if you have a boy you will love him just the same, and you'll work out what to do with him just the same as you go along. The real question she needs to ask herself is, is her family complete? If she feels in her heart that it is complete then it is, no matter what her husband says. And all this talk about not knowing what to do with boys is really irrelevant. If she had a boy it would all work out. You just 'do'.

Jinsei · 05/08/2012 10:39

She is BVU about boys but I think you are being over-sensitive to take it personally. She isn't talking about your DS.

FizzyLaces · 05/08/2012 10:39

Ignore! She is wrong, boys are lovely and I wish I had a son. I have two wonderful nephews who I am going to visit today, though Grin

HecateHarshPants · 05/08/2012 10:41

Just tell her what you say here. "every time you say these things you make me feel like my DS is inferior in your eyes"

You need to say something because keeping it in is only going to make you feel bad and ultimately affect the friendship.

You are allowed to tell friends when they upset you, you know Grin

HeathRobinson · 05/08/2012 10:42

Maybe for her, the idea of a random boy is off putting. Whereas she can see the loveableness of your boy, a known quantity if you like, and appreciate him.

I've found just as much prejudice against girls. Just ignore her or change the subject.

Original poster
theotherboleyngirl · 05/08/2012 10:42

GateGipsy - I agree, and have tried that and will continue to. But she says that's because my DS isn't a "stereo-typical boy". No he's not. Neither are any of the others I've met. He shows very boy-ish traits - very active etc, but he is a quirky soul. An individual, just like any other child. I've tried gently pointing this out to her - using the fact her 2 DD's are very different (and TBF her 2nd is much more conforming to a stereo-typical boy - but she finds those elements of her personality very hard and struggles to deal with them).

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 05/08/2012 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
theotherboleyngirl · 05/08/2012 10:46

thank you everyone! I agree I need to ignore, I'm just finding it hard as it's now a noticeable niggle and I'm noticing her negatives about boys even more!

Hecate - I know! Grin I think I'm a bit scared of her though! Love her to pieces, fabulous person, full of love and generous and kind but she's a very strong character and she doesn't give a monkies if someone disagrees with her and she has been known to just drop people who I thought she was close to when they dared to disagree with her over something. I know reading that back that's silly - I'm admitting I'm a bit scared of one of my best friends Hmm

OP posts:
HappyHippyChick · 05/08/2012 10:47

What GateGypsy said

HappyHippyChick · 05/08/2012 10:48

Ah, many many x posts!

ladyintheradiator · 05/08/2012 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 05/08/2012 11:01

I don't know.
I wouldn't know what to do with a boy, I was a girly girl, and my two girls are the same. I wouldn't know what games to play with a boy, and while yes I'm sure I wouldn't get to know what to do and would be guided by a son, I'm happy with my two girls and don't think I should hide this feeling.
I'm sure lots of people with only boys would feel similarly about have a girl. It's just that it's unknown, not that there is anything wrong with the other sex.

WelshMaenad · 05/08/2012 11:16

I've never got my head round the whole "Oh, I wouldn't know what to DO with a boy/girl" thing. It's a child. You love it, you set boundaries, you feed and nurture and cherish it and make sure it knows it is valued and adored. You allow the specifics of your parenting efforts to be led by it's personality. Gender is somewhat irrelevant. Am I totally on my own here? (I am the owner of one boychild and one girlchild, they confound me in equal measure tbh).

honeytea · 05/08/2012 11:20

Do you think maybe she is envious and actually really wants a boy but is protecting herself from the possibility of having all girsl?

Original poster
theotherboleyngirl · 05/08/2012 11:23

I agree WelshMaenad - also if you've got mixed gender children you realise pretty quickly that whatever you 'do' you 'do' for both, or in a measure of equality guided by each child's personality. They aren't being raised in a vacuum of 'only boys' or 'only girls'. And the things I do individually with each child are guided by that child's interests rather than gender - sometimes these may be within the 'stereo-type' (e.g. football for DS) but that's coincidental rather than the leading factor, if one of the DD's chose football as their hobby then that would be ok too. And I've had to learn as much about football as I have about gymnastics where DS is concerned so it's not a case of stereotypes at all.

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 05/08/2012 11:26

Yup, my girl is currently watching Fireman Sam, my boy is 'making mama da doup' (soup) in a play kitchen with a tiara on his head.

Original poster
theotherboleyngirl · 05/08/2012 11:31

honeytea I did actually wonder that at one point. Before she had kids she wanted a "troop of boys", a "football team". But now it's the complete opposite. Hence I haven't said anything too directly before. But on the other hand that doesn't sit that well with how she parents her girls - VERY girlie. Very much pink and sparkle! The younger one who is really quite strong willed and rambunctious is often criticised (to me not to her!) for her boy-ish ness. As a person she is also very 'feminine'. I'm not sure I can work out if it's a defense mechanism.

OP posts:
WerthersUnOriginal · 05/08/2012 11:33

The problem is hers and you should of course ignore it or change the subject.

But in your situation if it was something often brought up and chewed over, I just know I'd have to tell her to put a sock in it in the end becuase there's only so much nonsense anyone can be expected to absorb.

Also you say she's a strong character and 'she has been known to just drop people who I thought she was close to when they dared to disagree with her over something'. Sorry she sounds a big old headache to me.

GimmieChocolate · 05/08/2012 11:47

YANBU for feeling upset by it as, albeit unintentionally, she has said something that hurts your feelings

YABU however as she obviously has a strong feeling about not wanting a boy as gender disappointment is something that happens and it could end up being a serious issue for her.

Not really helpful I know but I can see and sympathise with both sides!

Ozziegirly · 05/08/2012 12:45

I kind of understand (although I am the opposite) - I have a DS and am now pg with no 2 and was really hoping for another boy because I feel comfortable with my lovely, straightforward boy who is the epitome of "boy" -and a lot of the girls I see are whiny, clingy and dressed in pink.

But I know that if I had a girl, I would love them as the person that they are, and I'm sure that people look at my son and think "he never wants to just sit doing craft with her, he's just running and jumping all the time, how boring".

So, basically, it's annoying when people make these comments but I think a lot of people think whatever they have is perfect, which is kind of reassuring.

TheSmallClanger · 05/08/2012 12:50

She doesn't want another child - this is the crux of the matter, as you say. it sounds as if she is inventing more and more excuses not to.

I can understand that you find it offensive though.

LilyCocoplatt · 05/08/2012 13:26

I can kind of see the friend's point of view, I have a DD and will hopefully have another DC at some point. A child of either gender will be very welcome but a part of me thinks it will be easier if its another DD in terms of handing down clothes, toys etc. I would be a bit nervous at first of having a boy but I suppose as others have said its just a child, you care for them and deal with their personality traits as they arise. I would like DD to have a sister though as I never had one and am quite jealous of friends who have sisters they are close to.

ReindeerBollocks · 05/08/2012 13:32

I love my DS, however as loud as he can be he's not overly boisterous DD is worse. He has a friend who is very active, and it is draining. Had I babysat a boy like this it would have filled me with dread.

However I doubt it is a slight on your DS more her own fears of getting a DS like one of her nephews.

quoteunquote · 05/08/2012 13:40

OP, Does she express these outdated opinions in front of the children?

Just tell her," I understand you think like that, but I would rather you didn't voice such things in front of the children, I'm concerned it will have an impact on them".

she sounds quite backwards, I wouldn't want someone like that around my children.