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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to Hong Kong without me

31 replies

juneau · 05/08/2012 08:59

Actually, he'd like it if I went with him, but I can't because of the timing.

DH's best mate has been living in HK for the past three years and is due to return home in October (not to our country - to DH's home country). DH and I really wanted to go and see him and his wife while they were living there and spend a few days in HK - a city we've been been itching to visit, but due to DH doing an MA, starting a new and very busy job, having DC2, etc we haven't had a chance to go.

So now the friend's departure date is looming and DH wants to go and see him for 'a long weekend' (which will mean the best part of a week), in Sept. I'd love to join him, but DS1 starts school in Sept and I'm still BFing DS2, so it's impossible for me to go too.

To be fair, he's asked me if it's okay if he goes and my reply was that I don't object to him seeing his friend, but that I would really like to go with him and perhaps we could go together at a later date (possibly next year). He saw this friend just 10 days ago, so it's not like he hasn't seen him recently. I just feel that if he goes to HK now to see his friend he won't want to go again - as this has happened with two other places I wanted to go, but he's been to and so isn't that bothered about returning to. So AIBU?

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 05/08/2012 09:04

If it was me, I would go too. There is no need to not go because of bfing. Can't you time it so you go just before the school starts?

cansu · 05/08/2012 09:07

Provided you can afford it and it won't prevent you taking other holidays I would encourage him to go. It sounds like his friend is returning home for good so even if you do go later on it won't be to stay with friends. Whilst it might be annoying to be left behind it would be more generous to encourage him to go and have a great time.

Original poster
juneau · 05/08/2012 09:16

School starts on 6 Sept, so no, there really isn't time to go beforehand. And I'd rather not take the DC - Hong Kong doesn't strike me as a particularly child-friendly destination, and we'd only want to go for a few days, which jet-lag-wise would be very tough on them.

OP posts:
beachyvolleyballhead · 05/08/2012 09:20

Will he be there during October half term? Or if you are leaving kids, when are you BF until? If neither of these are likely, I would let him go. Hong Kong will always be there and you could go, as a couple, when the kids are a little older...

Dprince · 05/08/2012 09:22

Why can't you go if you are bf?
I would let him go. Its your choice to not go. I can see the reason why (aparat from the bf) but it is a choice you are making.
As lomg as you can afford I don't see the issue.

GhostShip · 05/08/2012 09:22

Thread title is misleading!

YABU. either go with him or 'let him' go and enjoy himself. :)

Floggingmolly · 05/08/2012 09:25

But it's Hong Kong your dh particulately wants to see, isn't it, and the friend will not be living there from October onwards? How is leaving it till next year going to work, then?Confused
Your objections seem to hinge on not being able to take the kids with you, as your ds will start school on 6th September? -
There is a whole month between now and September 6th, how can there not be time???????
Sounds to me like you're pissed at missing out, so either go with him or let him go alone, don't be such a dog in the manger.

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/08/2012 09:25

HK is exceptionally child friendly, based on our stay there for about a week with a 4 year old. DS was treated like a bit of a celebrity (lots of people wanting their photo taken with him) and we had no problem in restaurants etc. Why do you think it isn't? Is there something specifically that concerns you?

orangepants · 05/08/2012 09:26

Hong Kong is brilliant for children! Lovely parks and museums, amazing food. If school only starts on the 6th you could definitely fit it in.

But if you are insistent that it's not convenient for you and/or the DC, YABU to object to him going alone.

MrsKeithRichards · 05/08/2012 09:26

I think you should go. Dc will be fine going with you, a few days off school isn't going to cause any problems. My ds got chicken pox on his first day at school and missed the best part of 2 weeks.

If you can afford it just go. What an adventure!

Dprince · 05/08/2012 09:26

Sorry, I think I get it. Are you saying you can't go and leave the kids here as you are bf?
Tbh I think it would be great for the kids and it would easier with a bf baby than a ff one.

MrsKeithRichards · 05/08/2012 09:28

How old are dc?

Do you have someone you would leave them with?

wherearemysocks · 05/08/2012 09:33

Go with him and take the kids with you. It sounds like you are looking for excuses.

BarredfromhavingStella · 05/08/2012 09:34

Don't understand why you think HK is not child friendly Hmm there are very few places that aren't suitable for children.

If you really want to go then do so & take the children, if not then let DH go & don't be arsey about it as it's your choice to stay at home.

jimswifeinTokyo1964 · 05/08/2012 09:37

Why cant you go this month, before school starts?

mamij · 05/08/2012 09:42

I think OP means HK isn't child friendly because it's very crowded, can't get around by pushchair easily, folding buggies for the bus etc. But people there love children, and more than willing to give you a hand. Bf shouldn't be a probably, as I found it easier to take a bf baby on holiday - no messing around with formula or worrying about food.

Either go with him now or tell him to wait until the school holidays so you can go together.

Original poster
juneau · 05/08/2012 09:42

DC are 4 (nearly 5) and 14 months. The 14-month-old would be awful on a long flight - he's just started walking and can't sit still for 5 mins. I did plenty of long-haul flights with DS1 when he was little and this age is the worst IME.

Could we leave them? Possibly. But DS2 is still BFing 2-3 times per day. Could I speed-wean him? Not in a week or two.

We can't go this month because of DH's work and other commitments.

Pulling DS1 out of his first few weeks of school on a whim is not really responsible IMO and we've already arranged with the school to take him out for a week later in the year.

Maybe I should just let him go, because I am just pissed off that I'll miss out on yet another trip. DH travels a lot for work, but often tacks on extra days to see friends, family, sight see, etc, but I accept that this is just for a few years and that my DH works bloody hard to support our family, so I'm usually supportive. I suppose I just feel that I'm always being asked to be generous, but there's never any reciprocity!

OP posts:
sue52 · 05/08/2012 09:43

HK is very child friendly. I'd go with the children.

vonnyh · 05/08/2012 09:45

What Floggingmolly said.

Iteotwawki · 05/08/2012 09:49

You're only going for a few days so you wouldn't be pulling DS1 out of his first few weeks - just the first. And it's not that irresponsible - seriously doubt he's going to drop his GPA for missing a week!

14 month olds on long haul flights are fine (took my 2 at similar ages to & from NZ, economy class, they were far better behaved than I was!).

It sounds like you've made up your mind that you can't go rather than looking for ways to see if you can - and now you've decided you can't, you're going to resent your DH for going if he does. Life's too short, I'd just look for a way to go with him.

coppertop · 05/08/2012 09:52

" I just feel that if he goes to HK now to see his friend he won't want to go again - as this has happened with two other places I wanted to go, but he's been to and so isn't that bothered about returning to."

In that case I would suggest that you tell your dh that when your ds2 is no longer being BFed, you will be going off on a trip by yourself to one of these places. Even if you're thinking "But I only want to go if DH comes with me."

Perhaps the idea of for once being the person left behind with all the responsibilities while the other adult goes off and does as they please, will make your dh stop and think for a change about how his choices affect other people.

Original poster
juneau · 05/08/2012 10:02

Thanks coppertop. I know I made the choice to be a SAHM, but DH gets to live his life almost exactly as he did before we had kids. When I mentioned wanting to return to work he came up with umpteen reasons why I can't, because it suits him very well having me here all the time.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 05/08/2012 11:12

In which case, juneau, is the HK really about this specific trip, or about the wider issue of how you and Your DH get to live your lives?

janey68 · 05/08/2012 11:22

If you're wanting to return to work you'll need to wean the toddler won't you? Sound to me like the real issue is that, rather than hong kong. You certainly shouldn't let him find reasons to stop you working!

As far as hong kong goes- he's said he would like you to come, I would go for it! Seems like you're looking for reasons not to rather than embracing it.

Original poster
juneau · 05/08/2012 11:23

Well, it's about both I suppose, but the specific issue on the table at the moment is this trip. Of course, there's always a back-story though and ours is that DH gets to do a lot of stuff just for himself and I very rarely get to do anything.

OP posts:
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