To think that it wasn't actually all my fault all them years ago?

[OwllwOOwllwO]

Basically I was brought up in the care system from the age of twelve. I had a very strict upbringing mainly from my mother. We wasn't allowed to do many things and would usually just be sitting around doing nothing. Friends wasn't allowed to our house , we wasn't allowed out. (we being myself and my two older siblings). It never bothered me until I started at secondary school and then I started rebelling. I was never a problem child, I did well at school, I never smoked, I never bunked off etc I just wanted a bit of freedom and to have fun. I started to go to my friends houses after school and return home around teatime which was usually 6pm. My mother would go crazy! I was slapped and sent to my room.

I eventually decided to run away from home, which I did, to my friends house up the road. I returned the next day but I did it again a few weeks later. Returning home scared me I knew my mother would be angry and I'd get screamed and hit at. I ran away twice more, (I only ever went overnight and my mum knew where I was), the second time I returned my mum had packed a bag for me then literally dragged me to the police station and told them I was a problem child before leaving me there.

I remember being left completely stunned! So that was my grand entrance into the care system, I hated it there and I would always ask the staff at the childrens home if I could talk to my mum but I was told she wanted nothing to do with me. I still went to school until my youngest brother started and I was told I wasn't allowed to go to the same school as my mother had said she didn't want me mixing with my brother. So that was when I dropped out and my education was fucked! I always told the staff that I wanted to go home and my social worker told me my mum didn't want me home. I slowly did become out of control a bit. I started smoking and drinking, I would get angry with the childrens home staff members. I used to smash the window of the home and the cars that belonged to the staff.

Eventually I settled and I got out of the care system better then most. I could have came out a lot worst. My life is back on track, I've been to uni and have my degree, I've settled and I've recently had my second child a daughter of my own. I think this is what has started me thinking. I spoke to my mum for over 12years and a few years ago 'she forgave' me but was I really to blame was it all my fault? I was only 12? Did I fully understand what I was doing at the time? My mother was a grown woman after all.

I don't even know what I'm trying to get at any more. All I know is that I have a mother who I don't see as a mother. I tried for years to get her to forgive me to talk to me but she refused. I cried so many tears for my family and all the years I missed out on. I believe she only 'forgave' me a few years ago because she had fallen out with my other two siblings.

Our relationship now is a weird one I can't even explain it all I know and feel is that if she died it wouldn't bother me, I know that sounds bad.

So for the ultra long post! I just need to try and get my head around my past I guess. I feel like a weights been lifted just typing half of it down.

Wow, I have no experience of this at all but I think she should be the one apologising not you.

Wow.
You were 12. She was an adult. She was your mum. She totally let you down. You need to start working out how you forgive yourself. You sound amazing. You have achieved so much.

I'm glad it's helped you to post. You sound like a very capable women who had overcome extreme adversity. Much respect :)

I don't know what to say, except nothing was your fault and you didn't do anything wrong!

I'm so glad you've made a good life for yourself now with your own children, you deserve to be happy.

Your post has moved me to tears, I have a 12 year old and just cannot imagine doing what your mother did to you.

Obviously we only have one side of the story but from what you have written I cannot see how you were to blame at all for where your path took you.

I'm sorry that your mother couldn't see a way to parent you and chose to give up, but be proud of where you are now, you sound settled and I hope you're happy with life now.

We cannot change our pasts but we are very much in control of the future, in my opinion you should stop seeking forgiveness you don't need, you were a 12 year old child. Forgive yourself if you really believe you did anything wrong and continue to move forwards with your life.

It is not your fault at all. She is your mother and is supposed to love and care for you, not dump you at the slightest problem. The fact that she also fallen out with your siblings speaks volumes. If i were you, i would cut her out of your life as she is quite clearly toxic and will not doubt bring you more greif.

Even before you ran away for the first time she was incapable of being a decent parent. She sounds like she never has been one and I'm sure she will never change. I reckon it's not worth trying to make her into the kind of mum you deserve now and you deserved as a kid all those years ago. Am sending you a hug.

I am not an expert either.

But no, it is not your fault. If you had done something bad enough to be taken away from your home you would have been put in youth offenders.

Instead you were put in care and stayed there because your mother wouldn't speak to you.

That can't possibly have been your fault.

I honestly don't know what to say.
You should be proud of yourself for coming through what sounds like an incredibly painful childhood and ending up as a happy, loving person.
It seems as though you've been the innocent victim of an unpleasant parent unable to cope with a NORMAL child on the cusp of adolescence.
Sorry if any of what I've said sounds patronising.
I'm just trying to say that it doesn't sound like any of it was your fault...your mother was there to parent and she didn't.
I hope you're okay.

It wasn't your fault, OP.

Yanbu you was 12 :( then once you settled she then got you kicked out of school.

I think the LEA also let you down, why couldn't your brother go to a different school

you have survived. well done. you're right, it wasn't your fault, you were twelve. have you had any counselling? it might be helpful to talk things through.

I'm no expert either, but I would recommend that you consider some counselling (which I do have experience of receiving) as you may find it helps you to come to terms with what happened to you. It sounds from what you've described that your mother treated you in an unbelievably cold-hearted, almost 'emotionless' way and that can only have been incredibly damaging to you as a child and with long lasting effects into adulthood.

It might be valuable to you to have a professional help you to put some perspective on how you were treated by your mother and the care system you found yourself in, as it seems that you still have some suspicion that you were somehow to blame. You were not.

I feel so for the little girl that you once were and hope you are proud of yourself for getting your life to where it is now and becoming a compassionate and loving parent yourself. Having children does give you a whole new perspective and you may find it very hard to come to terms with your mothers behaviour as you realise how differently you care for your own children.

Good luck

you were 12 of course it wasn't your fault your mother kept you a virtual prisoner in the house , I dont think you have anything to forgive she sounds a wee bit unhinged and too over protective, sounds as if you have a nice life now letting this go can't be easy for you,

Goodness. It's normal for children to 'rebel' a little, especially when they are being controlled. I don't think you did anything wrong, you just wanted to be like everyone else and have some friends. Your mother sounds incredibly controlling, and your refusal to follow her strict rules must have really pissed her off, but you were a child. My son's 13 and there's no way I'd consider throwing him out if he didn't do as I'd asked. She should have supported you. You did nothing wrong, nothing at all. Did your siblings see her for what she is?

i was same age when put into care as my step mum hated me and didnt want me in her house and my dad did what she wanted as i had already lived with my oldest brother but wasnt fair on him this went on till i was 16 when i got my own place,dad died when i was 19 and 2 weeks after he died i found out i was pregnant,once my own kids reaced the age i was when i was kicked out was when the anger came,and im still struggling with it,i could never do that to any of my kids.

She "forgave" you!!!! SHE is the one who should be asking for forgiveness. You were a child, it was NOT your fault.

You dont mention your Dad, where was he in all of this :(

I was a horror in my teens, and there were many times my mum threatened to dump me at the local care home, but even then I knew it was an empty threat and she would never do it no matter how bad I was.

"She "forgave" you!!!! SHE is the one who should be asking for forgiveness. You were a child, it was NOT your fault."

This. ONLY this.

She ought to be ashamed of herself. i am so sorry for you OP, she cheated you out of a life, out of a childhood and a family.

PLEASE get some counselling, please don't stop asking questions until you see that this was not the fault of a 12 year old. Your mother did this. Her treatment of YOU was unforgivable.

Owl,

none of what happened to you is your fault, please repeat that to yourself often,

your mother failed you, the system failed you(they should of told your mother to send your brother somewhere else, not disrupt your life any further)

massive congratulations on your degree and family, it's hard when your children hit milestones which bring up a new awareness as to how adults behaved when you were at that age,

I salute your effort to start a "new" relationship with your mother,

but don't ever feel any of the responsibility is yours , it's not ,never was and anyone trying to imply or indicate it is, is guilty of further abuse and is still failing your inner child.

for you being let down by your Mother.

This wasn't your fault at all and I hope you can find a way to move forward and give your children the parenting and childhood that was taken from you through no fault of your own

Oh sweetheart, this was so not your fault

Your mum just completely failed you. I am so sorry for you that this happened.

As someone else asked, where was your dad in all this? Also, are you in contact with your brothers?

[hug icon] for OP. You sound like an amazing person, to have come out of that experience with your degree and have your own family. You should be very proud of your achievements

I am at your mother's behaviour. She barely deserves the title of mother. What appalling treatment of you and shame on the authorities for going along with this.

I would not waste any more time thinking of this woman. Focus your attention and energy on your lovely children. She does not deserve your consideration.

I would second counselling. I think we can all do with time and help to heal from difficult experiences.

for you

I have no words of wisdom, but could not read and walk away...
I think you should be very proud of how you have overcome the adversities and extended a hand of friendship towards your mother.
Nothing of what happened to you was your fault.

YANBU. What a horrible time you had, just as you were entering into the turbulent years of adolesence, for your mum to leave you like that. Not much mothering by your mother. She doesn't deserve you.