To think that it wasn't actually all my fault all them years ago?

[OwllwOOwllwO]

Basically I was brought up in the care system from the age of twelve. I had a very strict upbringing mainly from my mother. We wasn't allowed to do many things and would usually just be sitting around doing nothing. Friends wasn't allowed to our house , we wasn't allowed out. (we being myself and my two older siblings). It never bothered me until I started at secondary school and then I started rebelling. I was never a problem child, I did well at school, I never smoked, I never bunked off etc I just wanted a bit of freedom and to have fun. I started to go to my friends houses after school and return home around teatime which was usually 6pm. My mother would go crazy! I was slapped and sent to my room.

I eventually decided to run away from home, which I did, to my friends house up the road. I returned the next day but I did it again a few weeks later. Returning home scared me I knew my mother would be angry and I'd get screamed and hit at. I ran away twice more, (I only ever went overnight and my mum knew where I was), the second time I returned my mum had packed a bag for me then literally dragged me to the police station and told them I was a problem child before leaving me there.

I remember being left completely stunned! So that was my grand entrance into the care system, I hated it there and I would always ask the staff at the childrens home if I could talk to my mum but I was told she wanted nothing to do with me. I still went to school until my youngest brother started and I was told I wasn't allowed to go to the same school as my mother had said she didn't want me mixing with my brother. So that was when I dropped out and my education was fucked! I always told the staff that I wanted to go home and my social worker told me my mum didn't want me home. I slowly did become out of control a bit. I started smoking and drinking, I would get angry with the childrens home staff members. I used to smash the window of the home and the cars that belonged to the staff.

Eventually I settled and I got out of the care system better then most. I could have came out a lot worst. My life is back on track, I've been to uni and have my degree, I've settled and I've recently had my second child a daughter of my own. I think this is what has started me thinking. I spoke to my mum for over 12years and a few years ago 'she forgave' me but was I really to blame was it all my fault? I was only 12? Did I fully understand what I was doing at the time? My mother was a grown woman after all.

I don't even know what I'm trying to get at any more. All I know is that I have a mother who I don't see as a mother. I tried for years to get her to forgive me to talk to me but she refused. I cried so many tears for my family and all the years I missed out on. I believe she only 'forgave' me a few years ago because she had fallen out with my other two siblings.

Our relationship now is a weird one I can't even explain it all I know and feel is that if she died it wouldn't bother me, I know that sounds bad.

So for the ultra long post! I just need to try and get my head around my past I guess. I feel like a weights been lifted just typing half of it down.

yanbu.

i never say stuff like this but im going to now your mother did not deserve to have you in her life she is worth no more of your tears.

put her out of your thoughts and learn from her shockingly bad example by being the compleate oppersit.

if you ask for a copy of your ss file you may have your questions answered

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice on counselling. I do believe it would help if I did seek some professional help, I've put it off for so many years. I think I'm just scared to bring up the past as I'm pretty hard hearted normally.

My mother is very emotionally unstable, always thinking wrong thoughts and takes many tablets per day to deal with all her anxiety and stress. she's extremely hot headed and often goes in a mood, which I just brush off. She constantly criticises me which I ignore. I haven't phoned her in nearly two weeks as I've just been thinking of the past. Another thing that annoys me is that my mother will say how her memory is terrible and she can't remember things that happened years ago but she CAN remember all the bad stuff I did and all the bad stuff that she heard I had done whilst in care ( from social workers no doubt). Some of the things I was supposed to have done I never did but NO I definitely did them. How the hell would she know she never wanted to speak to me. She's fallen out with my oldest two siblings and one of my younger ones over stupid petty things and has completely cut them out her life.

Those who have asked where my dad was well I was brought up by my step dad from the of 4 but he never really had a say in any of it and still doesn't. He is a lovely man though.

I am in a much happier place now, I did get into an abusive relationship for a few years but thankfully I escaped that and I'm with a wonderful man. Like I said before its only been since I've had my daughter that I've felt all these emotions from the past... maybe it's the hormones. I couldn't imagine my little girl going through what I did at 12.

Thanks again for all the advice it's definitely help my mind breath a little.

sweetheart please try and remember that often bad memory just means dont want to remember.

people often and especially when they were so far in the wrong that anybody could see it, will try to rewrite history to paint themselves ib a better way.

i cant cope becomes you made me not cope. its a subtle change but when you hear it it means something very different.

i was a shite mum becomes you were a shite kid.

if she was to remember or admit things exactly how they were means she has to face up to being a pisspoor parent.

the only important thing for you to know is that a child is always a child they cannot control a grownups behaviour some grownups will never take responsability for there own behaviour,this is never the childs fault.

Sadly it's not uncommon for abusive and neglectful people to try and control their victims (while deluding themselves) by putting the blame back on them. You were a child, she was an adult who controlled you to the point of emotional abuse and hit you when you broke out of that control. She is the one who should be begging for forgiveness.

You might consider cutting her out, write her a letter putting all your emotion down and then break it off. She doesn't sound like she's changed, taken responsibility or will be a productive, supportive family member. I'd also recommend seeing a counselor about this all OP.

Sorry you are going through this but i think that, from your apathy towards her, on some subconscious level you recognise this woman for what she is: irresponsible, blaming, abusive and immature.

I think it also says a lot that your other siblings don't want to know.

What about contacting your siblings instead?

OP you were not to blame. You were 12 years old - a child. :(

RE: the memory thing. I grew up in a house where there was DV and I took on a lot of adult responsibilities. My DM still seems to believe that I had a great childhood - and 'doesn't remember' a lot of what I had to put up with. I think it's to protect herself.

Big hugs to you and .

My mother is very emotionally unstable, always thinking wrong thoughts and takes many tablets per day to deal with all her anxiety and stress.

Your mother has diagnosed and now medicated MH issues.

I would imagine her perspective is skewed and of course you also have a childs perspective of what was happening at the time.

Either establish the relationship or let it go. Apportioning blame wont help either of you.

Your mum and mine went to the same school of parenting.

It is not your fault. It was never your fault.

Councelling will help. Good luck xxx

You are most certainly not to blame. You were a child.

froggies

Your 'mother' sounds crazy. Perhaps it would help if you spoke with a counsellor xx

It wasn't your fault.

I have a mother who also attended a similar school of parenting but to be fair to her she does have mental health issues herself. Mine and my mum's recollections of the past are wildly different I still get the 'You were an awful child' line too, I wasn't, I know that now but I have been helped enormously by counselling. My advice to you would be to not leave it as long as I did to seek help, I have wasted a lot of time hating myself and I shouldn't have done.

It wasn't your fault.

You don't need to be forgiven for anything.

Your mother is incredibly lucky that you have anything to do with her at all after what she put you through.

You sound like an amazing person.

P.S. I would also recommend counselling, just so that someone can help you to come to terms with it not being your fault. At all.

similar tale here OP.
my half brother got in touch last year and said my mother was still angry at me.....
she allowed her husband (my SF) to abuse me, before kicking me out at 16.
my half brother had the same - he was homeless and on heroin for 10 years.

she then sent me a message via FB asking for contact.

the answer is no.
to preserve my own sanity, i have no contact with any of my family, i would get dragged back into their madness.

i did go for counselling and i found it beneficial (if ra little rushed......)
my counsellor is also a surviver which helps - she understands. she has stopped me from going backwards.

Your mother is a deeply inadequate person who let you down. That is not, nor was it ever your fault, so don't blame yourself for her lousy parenting.

Oh my... Op this was in NO way your fault

I really think you should cut her out of your life, she sounds like she gives you NOTHING. You poor lady x

I think u need to make contact with your siblings, they were older after all. Perhaps they could shed some light on why your mum put u in care, perhaps you've forgotten something important or blocked it out.
Either way, putting a 12 yr old in care is very extreme and not having contact visits. Terrible.

It was not your fault in any shape or form and your subsequent 'bad behaviour' was simply a child (i.e. a non experienced human being) reacting to neglect and rejection.

There is a great theory about getting 'growth' from trauma. That is, despite the horrifically traumatic childhood you experienced, actually you learned that you are a strong, capable person and can even use that trauma to demonstrate how resilient you are. some info here and here

I do think you may want to consider cutting her out......what's to gain continuing this relationship? This book is renowned for helping people do that. here

No, it wasn't your fault. There wasn't anything to be forgiven on your side, she should be apologising to you and asking if you could ever find a way to forgive her.

Well done you for getting so far in life.

You need to forgive your mum or cut all ties. Forgiveness would require an apology from her though.

You are not to blame. Even if you had been awful at 12, there would still be no excuse for what your mum did to you!!

Get counselling though!

It sounds like your mum has significant MH problems OP.

I'm not excusing her and what she did (and didn't do). I would recommend counselling for a long period because 6 weeks won't cut it. I've had counselling for long periods of time (years) because of my childhood experiences.

No it wasn't your fault and it's all arse about face for your mother to say she 'forgives you'. I think you have been let down by the system too. You have survived a difficult start in life and done well - well done, a lot don't (as you know).

Was it Neil Morrissey who was put in care 'for stealing apples' when he was a kid? He's one of the Men Behaving Badly duo (tv comedy series). I think he did a programme recently about kids in care - sorry I don't know much about it but you could try googling it.

Here's an article about his past and here is a link to the programme (in two parts) but it looks like it's only clips from the programmes, sorry (not sure if you can get the full programme somewhere else?)

I've been watching the links (it's quite difficult to get them tbh! click the links button at the top of the page) and it transpires that Neil Morrissey was taken into care because his parents were deemed ineffectual. So he was actually taken into care to protect him from his parents...

I wonder if something like that happened for you? The authorities didn't do it well, as they didn't do it well for you either by the sound of it; but by being taken away from her you were protected from her, even if the alternative wasn't brilliant iyswim?

Another one here moved to tears, it is absolutely not your fault.

Your mother should be down on her knees begging for forgiveness from you.

Selfish and self obsessed and self centred don't even come close to describe your mother.

She actually ain't no mother.

You are an inspiration, love and cherish your children, knowing that they have a fabulous role model to look up to. And when it comes to that women, just think of yourself and your family when it comes to your relationship with her, don't ever think of her, she doesn't deserve it.