Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not have her b/f staying over?

71 replies

fber · 04/08/2012 07:37

Dd is 17, he's 16. They're going to a party tonight (tame affair, parents in, home by midnight etc) Dd wants him to stay at our house as he lives too far away for taxi etc.

Despite the fact that there's no suggestion that he sleeps in her room, just on the sofa, I've said no. Dd is sad and is asking why. I've told her I'm just not ready to be having breakfast with her bf just yet :)

AIBU?

OP posts:

icecold · 04/08/2012 12:36

I find threads like this unfathomable...

She is 17!

I left home at 16

when do you think she will be old enough to choose her own boyfriends, and have sex?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 04/08/2012 12:43

Imperialblether what a lot of sexist nonsense!

Pipsytwos · 04/08/2012 12:47

I feel sorry for you in this situation (not that I've ever been in it myself) I'm 26 and expecting my first child (a daughter) any day now. But I can sympathise, my instinct would be 'hell no!' Especially when it comes to the sex part (mother's worst nightmare) However, your daughter seems to be quite sensible by asking for him to sleep downstairs and not having gone straight at you with the arguments of why he should sleep in her room. Maybe you should reward her with the trust there and see how it goes? Obviously it's up to you, I know I'd hate this to happen to me :/ The problem is that I was bought up by strict parents, and now I hold many of the same values but I rebelled against them when I was younger. I did put myself in dangerous situations and I did think my parents were totally unfair and unreasonable. I'm not saying go all out and say 'sure do what you want where you want' but maybe a little trust and let him stay on the sofa? Maybe you shouldn't sit with them for breakfast and maybe mill about a bit doing chores or something so that you're still around but you don't have to hold a conversation?

icecold · 04/08/2012 13:13

How on earth, does 17 year old dd having sex equal 'mothers worse nightmare'???

GhostShip · 04/08/2012 13:21

Its been 2 years. Deal with it. Usually it's the boyfriend who's scared of meeting the parents ha! I'd be happy she wants him around you

Pipsytwos · 04/08/2012 13:22

I think probably I feel that way because I'd hate to think of my teenager loosing her virginity. When I was younger I was naive to say the least and I regret every sexual thing that I did with anyone prior to the age of 21. But then again I wasn't in particularly long relationships and my experience of teenage boys was that they were out for what they could get regardless of my feelings or how long I'd made them wait, I always ended up hurt. But I do accept that not all teenage girls are so vulnerable, I just think it's in my mind. Hopefully by the time my daughter enters that sort of relationship I'll have become a little more relaxed and hopefully she'll be strong and sensible and not have the same experiences as me.

Pipsytwos · 04/08/2012 13:23

And hopefully she'll feel able to discuss things with me which is where I think it's best to give them a bit of trust!

worrysome · 04/08/2012 13:29

a mothers worse nightmare is a bit extreme surely that is losing your child, them being abused or killed not a 17 year old young women having consensual sex over the age of consent

DumSpiroSpero · 04/08/2012 13:29

I think you're doing the right thing in changing your mind and letting him stay on the sofa, but I would definitely add Imperial's rider about packing him off in a taxi if he rocks up so drunk he's likely to be ill and getting your DD to reimburse you for it!

Wigglewoo · 04/08/2012 13:34

Wow 2 years!!! :)

Let him sleep over and be nice to him. He could end up being your son in law in a short time, or the dad to your grandkids... Just saying! :)

Pipsytwos · 04/08/2012 13:43

Well I didn't literally mean 'worst nightmare' obviously there are worse things; but aren't there always? I'm sure most of us would be scared to think our daughter was being used or something like that. I was used and I was assulted, it's left me with life long disabilities, all because I was too naive and too young to spot the tale tells signs in my young and immature relationship. Granted, it's my issue, which I'll need to keep in check in 17years time, I'm sure I will be hyper vigilant, but where's the harm in that? To be honest in this case as I said I think her daughter is quite sensible sounding and as it is a 2 year relationship I would take the trust tact and hope that it would cement a better relationship between mother and daughter so that if the daughter did have concerns she could feel she could talk to her mum.

Krumbum · 04/08/2012 14:22

Yabu and I'm very surprised this hasn't come up before? Have they never spent a night in the same house? Do you not like him? What's the difference between eating dinner or breakfast?

diddl · 04/08/2012 14:36

"I find threads like this unfathomable...

She is 17!

I left home at 16

when do you think she will be old enough to choose her own boyfriends, and have sex?"

When she´s got her own place?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 04/08/2012 15:59

"specially when it comes to the sex part (mother's worst nightmare)"

Lmao. How? Legal, consensual sex is far from my worst nightmare. Its a normal part of a relationship. If shed known the guy two weeks okay, I could understand it, but really, 2 years? I think she knows what she's doing by now!

Diddl are you serious? What if she doesn't get her own place until she's 25? I don't know anyone who has stayed a virgin until that age. How ridiculous. She's entitled to have sex if she wants to!

diddl · 04/08/2012 16:08

It´s that that poster had put she left home at 16.

Therefore she wasn´t asking to have sex in her parent´s home at 17!

Yes-she is entitled to have sex.

But not in her parents home if they don´t want it imo.

icecold · 04/08/2012 16:41

The thread isn't about having sex in her parents home. The girl hasn't ask that her boyfriend can even sleep in her room. She wants him to be allowed to sleep on the sofa. They have been together for 2 years

OPs initial reaction was to disallow it, because she didn't want to encourage the relationship, and other posters have expressed that 17 yo dd is hard to accept that she's having sex

I'm pointing out that at 17 yo many people are striking out on their own in the world and tending for themselves

diddl · 04/08/2012 20:55

No, but if the OP knows that they are having sex, then even if the request is for the sofa, it might not be that way all night.

Mind you, if he´s going to get drunk...

vintagewarrior · 04/08/2012 21:12

You need to grow up a bit I think!
Just because tou don't like it doesn't mean it isn't happening.

monkeyfacegrace · 04/08/2012 21:31

I was with my first bf from 12-18. I had one of my best orgasms ever, downstairs on the sofa when I was about 15, after a night out

Mum supported us, gave us somewhere safe, but helped me ensure I knew how to take my pill etc. I always knew I could turn to her if I had trouble. She, nor anyone else, was going to stop us having sex. She just made it safe, and secure.

I love mum for that. And I will do the same for my dd.

BettySuarez · 04/08/2012 21:35

Your mum sounds lovely monkeyface

The orgasm sounds even lovlier

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 05/08/2012 06:22

Monkeyface I cannot rely on my scatty DD to take the pill, she just about manages her 12 weekly appointment for the needle in the bum!! I took her the first couple of times!!

Flip

1 2 3