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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have her b/f staying over?

71 replies

fber · 04/08/2012 07:37

Dd is 17, he's 16. They're going to a party tonight (tame affair, parents in, home by midnight etc) Dd wants him to stay at our house as he lives too far away for taxi etc.

Despite the fact that there's no suggestion that he sleeps in her room, just on the sofa, I've said no. Dd is sad and is asking why. I've told her I'm just not ready to be having breakfast with her bf just yet :)

AIBU?

OP posts:

HalloweenDuck · 04/08/2012 08:02

I am amazed that if together for 2 yeras you have not had this problem before!
YANBU about not wanting someone who is drunk staying though. I do not think YABU if you afree but on the understanding he/ she is not drunk.

Dprince · 04/08/2012 08:03

In that case I would say he can, but you do not want home drunk.
I thought this party was 'tame' and the parents would be present?

Original poster

fber · 04/08/2012 08:04

He's a really nice lad, but he's had a lot of upheaval at home and has moved out to his dad's. His dad has given him a tattoo, which I just think is beyond the pale (again, unreasonable?) I'm being a snob about this I know, but it's not just that. I sense a kid that's a bit of a depressive and I just would rather this relationship didn't go any further.. I am aware I'm being controlling btw :(

OP posts:

natwebb79 · 04/08/2012 08:04

Blimey I got into some bad states on one too many Malibu and oranges when I was 16. Perfectly normal and meant that I was over the daybeds by the time I was 18

squeakytoy · 04/08/2012 08:06

You cant control her relationships now she is 17, and the more you "disapprove" the more likely you are to push her away as well.

A tattoo is hardly unusual nowadays in teens, "beyond the pale" is rather an extreme reaction! He is 16, not 6,

Dprince · 04/08/2012 08:07

Do you think by not allowing him to stay on the sofa, the relationship will stop?
I am sorry but you are coming across as very judgy and, yes, a snob.

QuickLookUsainBolt · 04/08/2012 08:09

I do sympathise as My DDs are 21 and 18 so have been where you are now. Both of them had bfs I didn't particularly like, they were okish, but I felt they weren't good enough for my girls.

The important think here is your dd will know you're BU. it will do nothing for your relationship with her. I would tell her you've been th

MrsHelsBels74 · 04/08/2012 08:11

You do sound a bit like you want a 'naice' young man for your daughter rather than this boy who sounds like he's had a few difficulties and for that reason I think you are being unreasonable. She's made her choice & I think you have to put up with it. At 16 & 17 it could fizzle out on its own accord without any help from you.

FoofHundredMetreFreestyle · 04/08/2012 08:12

With regards to the relationship, you are going to have to let it play out despite any misgivings you may have.
It's not your job to furnish them with a place to have sex though.
To be honest though if he's drunk, chances are he'll pass out on the sofa anyway.

FeakAndWeeble · 04/08/2012 08:13

At 17 my boyfriend, an art student, had flesh tunnels, two eyebrow rings, and bars through his belly, nipples and conches. He went on to get tattoos from his toes to his hips. He also had a pink mohican.

Reader, I married him.

He has a really good job and is a fantastic husband and father.

You can't dismiss someone on the basis that their home life is a bit shitty and their body image isn't quite what you'd like.

My parents loved DH from the moment they met him but if they hadn't I'd have married him anyway but never forgotten it.

bluebus · 04/08/2012 08:13

Oh op, it must be hard seeing your dd pair off with someone who you feel isn't quite right for her, but you sound totally suffocating. At 17 it's really none of your business who she sees unless he's abusive or steals from you or something. I had friends with precious patents like you and believe me as soon as they got the option of a job or uni they ran for the hills, don't be that mother. Tell him it's ok to stay on the clear condition that he must not be drunk.

BettySuarez · 04/08/2012 08:16

I don't think that my 16 year old DD is sexually active yet but when she is, I would much prefer her to be having sex in her own bed and in her own home rather than the corner of a dodgy park or in the back of a car.

I don't understand how it is possible to have a 17 year old child and not feel 'ready' for these issues tbh.

Dprince · 04/08/2012 08:16

I am confused. You seem really judgemental about this boy and his family. But have no problem with your dd going to a party where the parents are present but you know they won't mind a 16 year old getting 'very drunk'.
Why are you not judging the parents that allow a 16 year old to get drunk in their house?

Pickles77 · 04/08/2012 08:23

I'm 23 and I know at 17 if I knew my mum wasn't sure of someone it would have pushed us together and I'd have wanted it to work with the bf more IYSWIM
Now I'm older though my mum and dads approval means more to me than anyone's (even though they feel like they ballsed up on their judgement help ATM)
Am I making sense?

Original poster

fber · 04/08/2012 08:37

Ok, I've taken it all on board and had a rethink.

I'm BU, he can stay :)

Thanks!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 08:48

I would say this to her:

"Daughter, I've been thinking about Boyfriend staying. Now I know that you're sleeping with him (cue her face showing denial) and I am worried that you're putting yourself in a really difficult position. You're both far too young to get pregnant and accidents happen all the time. Did you know you are both at the most fertile time in your lives? If you got pregnant, you'd have three options:

You could have an abortion and risk problems getting over it. It wouldn't affect Boyfriend.
You could have the baby adopted and think of the problems associated with that. If Boyfriend has left you by then, which is likely, then it wouldn't affect him.
You could have the baby. In all likelihood you would end up as a single mum, though you'd be tied you to Boyfriend for the rest of your life, even when he's married to someone else.

I know you're mad about him now, but think about it - I can't even remember the names of the boys I was mad about at seventeen. I certainly wouldn't want to know them now.

So about his staying. I'm just not happy with him sleeping in your room. Once you're living away from home and have a steady boyfriend, you'll always be welcome to bring him home and of course you can share a room then if you want. But for now, I don't want you to do that. So he can stay, but he has to sleep on the sofa. If I find you've let him sleep in your room with you, then he won't be allowed to stay again.

The other thing is about his drinking. If he's in such a state that I think he's going to be vomiting everywhere, then I will be putting him in a taxi and paying for him to get home. You will then pay me that money back.

Over and out."

Badgerina · 04/08/2012 08:49

YABU - it's a 2 year relationship AND he'll be sleeping on the sofa. All seems perfectly reasonable to me. Probably about time you started to get your head around the idea really.

They WILL probably be sleeping together at some point too; maybe not at your house, but teenagers do have sex lives you know.

Badgerina · 04/08/2012 08:55

Sorry should have read rest of replies first!

You don't mention any other character traits that show whether you've attempted to get to know this guy who your daughter has been having a relationship with for 2 years. All you say is that he has a tattoo that you disapprove of and that he's a bit depressive.

I have tattoos and can be a bit depressive.

You fear this situation because of the "unknown" element of it. Get to know him. It'll clear a lot of your fears. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised. It sounds like he could do with a supportive adult in his life anyway

Kayano · 04/08/2012 09:06

I would say yes

FeakAndWeeble · 04/08/2012 09:09

Ah good for you op, well done

Flyingwithoutwings · 04/08/2012 09:37

Well done OP, your DD will respect you for trusting them. Good decision

worrysome · 04/08/2012 10:06

glad you have realised you were being unreasonable.

I think the above post detailing 3 options if she gets pregnant is really unfair too nobody knows that in all 3 of those options the boyfriend would leave or she would be a single mother give the boy some credit, by all means do discuss contraception etc but if they have been together this long its probably already covered.

oh and i got together wth dh at 17, he had two tattoos one at 16 one at 17, 10 years on we are married with 2 children he has a good job and is a great husband and father my best friend.

MammaTJ · 04/08/2012 10:10

As the mum of a 17year old girl that I know is having sex with her BF despite putting my fingers in my ears and singing la la la la la, I really understand where you are coming from.

You not wanting him around and making that clear will only serve to push them together. Welcome him, be approving, she will get bored a lot faster than she would of she was fighting you.

QuickLookUsainBolt · 04/08/2012 12:12

Sorry my battery went earlier.

Well done fber for letting him stay. When mine had bfs I didn't like, I was always polite, welcoming and showed interest in them and what they were doing

If your dd knows you disapprove she is more likely to hide things from you. She is only young and the chances are the relationship will fizzle out at some point.

I would make it clear though that you expect not to be disturbed by them when they come back tonight and he must sleep on the sofa.

Sallyingforth · 04/08/2012 12:27

Well done OP - that's the right decision.
I don't think any lectures are needed though - the sex talk should be a separate issue in any case and not tied to this.
Just tell her that if he's sick due to the booze it's her job to clear it up. That will give her a sense of responsibility towards him.

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