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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to catch my miscarried embryo in a...

54 replies

ChangedNickname · 03/08/2012 23:15

...urine sample pot at home, keep it in the fridge overnight if necessary, then take it on the train (2 hours) to London for genetic testing?

I can't believe I just wrote that. That is in all seriousness what St Mary's have suggested I do if I have medical management (ie choose pills rather than surgery) for this miscarriage.

This is my 5th miscarriage (1 son, thank god) and I'm fairly bulletproof now, but they explained this as though they were giving me directions to Sainsbury's. And I have called back and two other people have spoken similarly.

If I have surgery they'll test the embryo after removing it. I want the tests but don't think I want surgery (having taken the surgery option 3 times in the past and ended up with a lot of scarring on my uterus, which er makes me more likely to miscarry).

So the scenario above is the 'alternative to surgery'.

My ideal (f*ck me, I have an ideal miscarriage scenario) would be medical management at the hospital, ie take the pills in hospital, miscarry there and they take the embryo for testing, but they don't offer that.

I should point out that St Mary's is amazing, and without them I wouldn't have my son, but this has really thrown me.

Anyway, I'd be interested to know if you think I'm being over sensitive and too demanding of an NHS that has already helped me beyond measure, or if this is a bit macabre and weird.

OP posts:
TheQueensDinner · 03/08/2012 23:24

God no, that's awful. I'm sorry for your loss OP. x

lovebunny · 03/08/2012 23:25

they've had a sensitivity lapse and need a reminder that these are human beings they are dealing with - a human mum and a human embryo. put your feelings in writing and make your suggestion about a medical miscarriage in hospital.

lovebunny · 03/08/2012 23:26

i can't change that and should have previewed - 'medical management'.

Softlysoftly · 03/08/2012 23:27

That's terrible, so sorry, I've only had the one and that was traumatic enough. You have to talk to them again, point out the psychological impact xxxx

shiftinglard · 03/08/2012 23:28

If they tested the previous foetuses why do they need to test this one? Is it going to give you some answers as to why you keep miscarrying?

TiaMariaandDietCoke · 03/08/2012 23:28

That sounds awful OP. I don't think you are U at all. I can understand why medical management might not be possible at the hospital, but surely they could suggest a better way.

GWenlockMaryLacey · 03/08/2012 23:28

:( That's shit. I'm sorry. They're talking as if you've found a hair in a tin of beans ffs.

CrikeyOHare · 03/08/2012 23:29

Of course you're not being oversensitive! Jesus, that's awful :(

Part of me is thinking - well, if it helps in the long run? - but even so, I don't think I could when it came to it. As you say, it's macabre & weird and deeply upsetting.

So, so sorry this is happening to you :(

MammaTJ · 03/08/2012 23:30

So sorry for your loss and this is a very hard thing they are asking you to do. However, it may be what makes it possible for you to have a clearly wanted second child.

I wish you all the very best of luck in whatever happens next.

Dozer · 03/08/2012 23:33

Sad so sorry you are going through this.

have been in that situation (with st mary's and another london hospital) and decided to wait for "natural" m/c (which meant no genetic testing) for the reasons you describe, but at that time "medical management" wasn't an option.

I guess they are de-sensitised to it all Sad and want to test to establish whether the m/c was due to genetic problems or other reasons.

horrible to be going through it. they should be more sensitive.

Hope you have RL support right now. Lots of support on the m/c boards here and elsewhere. So sorry.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 03/08/2012 23:33

Oh gosh Sad

No I don't think that's over sensitive.

The ONLY alternative I can think is whether there anyone who can help so you're not storing your own foetus in your own fridge and then carrying it to London on the train?

[clutching at straws]

1944girl · 03/08/2012 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChangedNickname · 03/08/2012 23:37

Thanks for the replies, really appreciated. It's because they're so totally reasonable about everything else that I was starting to question my reaction.

But as one of you (sorry can't see who on my phone whilst writing post) points out, if it's a means to an end, whether it's reasonable isn't the point. If I can bear to do it, it might help.

I haven't had any other embryos tested as the other operations were all at my local hospital. This is my first chance for testing.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/08/2012 23:40

No you shouldn't be expected to do this. It's just simply not right for the hospital to ask you to do this. No you are not being oversensitive. I'm really sorry to hear this.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 03/08/2012 23:41

It might help Sad

What an awful process though.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/08/2012 23:43

That's awful. Sad I'm so sorry for your loss.

They need to change their policy. Surely they must realise how insensitive that advice is!

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 03/08/2012 23:44

So they've actually said that they won't let you stay at the hospital?

I really think they're being unreasonable about that. They have to take mental capacity to deal with it into account. Can you explain that you can't cope with the process?

quoteunquote · 03/08/2012 23:46

OP, I do understand,

the thing is they have to be matter of fact about it,if they add anything else to the mix it could back fire, it's just something that has to be done, that might help get you answers,

you are doing well to get the testing, in a lot of places they won't give it to you after five,

Do you have good support from your partner?

good luck with it.

Dozer · 03/08/2012 23:48

Testing might not change any treatment (eg progesterone, heparin), and probably if they think the main problem could be genetic abnormalities they might not offer treatment (since it couldn't address that problem).

Also, only you know what you / your partner can cope with.

One other option could be to contact your local hospital and see if they can help, e.g. you could go in there, they help and deal with the testing / transfer to london. Although that would still be v hard on you.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 03/08/2012 23:49

YANBU. I had an incomplete miscarriage and i was nearly sick when it came out. I'm fairly logical to the point of being cold about these things personally.. But it was fucking traumatizing to say the least, I would not have wanted to take it anywhere, Nevermind 2 hours on a train.

icecold · 03/08/2012 23:54

I imagine they just don't have the capacity to offer everyone a bed to have medical management of miscarriage, in hospital? Sad

It's a pretty horrific situation OP, but you are given 2 choices. I don't think they are being unreasonable. Sorry for your loss pet x

Southwest · 03/08/2012 23:56

You are not being unreasonable to not want to nor to not do so if it is not right for you, however I'm afraid I don't think they are being macabre and weird just doing their job.
I'm also afraid that I don't think they are being unreasonable to not be able to offer you a medical miscarriage in hospital, (depending on how many weeks obviously) the NHS just doesn't have the money and this would come fairly low down most hospitals spending priority list, sorry not perhaps what you wanted to hear.
Sorry this is happening to you. St Marys has a good rep for this kind of thing so I hope they can help you sooner rather than later.

Posting with trepidation waiting for the inevitable flaming....

GhostShip · 04/08/2012 00:06

So sorry OP :(

I had to do this too. I understood though they just don't have the beds to keep people in even if they'd like to

Xx

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 04/08/2012 00:08

I had a miscarriage at home under medical management, I had to scoop the embryo up in to a little polystyrene cup, keep it in the fridge overnight and then drop it off at the hospital in the morning. I don't live in London.

I live very close to the hospital so I didn't mind going home, but I think in your circumstances OP, it's a bit much to have you go home and then make a 2 hour trip back.

quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 00:14

I've had to have miscarriages in hospital and at home, home is far less stressful, in hospital the two wards you can end up on aren't a nice place to be at such time, and have additional stresses, on both you can hear new born babies all night, those who design hospitals don't listen.

I did have a horrible one on a trolly in a full waiting room outside radiology, that went badly from everyone's point of view.