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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want some post-birth counselling

30 replies

FeelTheFearAndFuckOff · 02/08/2012 12:53

I know I should maybe post this in childbirth, but there is an AIBU element, promise!

DS birth: planned a lovely, warm whale-music fest in pool. Got continuous monitoring, pethidine, oxytocin augmentation, epidural and forceps and a very scary shoulder dystocia at the end for good measure. Oh and a nice big ol' tear, too. All intervention for good reasons that came up at the time, no quibbles there.

Felt fine for a few months, elated even that we survived it. But now, whenever I am reminded of it, I seem to sink into depression for a few days. Example: I saw the awful shoulder dystocia delivery on OBEM recently. It made me shake to watch it and I cried (when on my own) for the rest of the day and couldn't do anything all weekend. DP can't understand it at all and half thinks I'm insane, I think!

I feel sad that birth wasn't a positive experience, sad that my DS went through so much, UNBELIEVABLY guilty that I might have contributed to it (having epidural, growing a big-ish baby because I couldn't lay off the hobnobs in pregnancy

So - if you're still with me - the AIBU element. I feel I really need to sit down with a health professional and get things of my chest, so I can move on. Birth was private and obs-led, so I think the best person is really the obstetrician. But I just feel worried that she might take it as some sort of criticism of the way she handled DS birth (IT IS NOT - she was calm, kind and brilliant and had a v good rapport with her throughout the birth and I'll trust her with DC2, if I have another). I was so grateful to her for the safe delivery of DS, smiling and elated at the time of his birth, that it kind of feels wrong to say...you know what, in retrospect that was a horrible experience and I need you to help me understand why it happened. Worried she might take it as some sort of slight. God that makes me sound really fucking pathetic. Any thoughts/advice?

OP posts:

Jackstini · 02/08/2012 13:04

I think YANBU if it is still having such an effect on you. Call her and have a chat, explaining what happened with the program and see if she can see you to go through your notes.

Good you are still considering a DC2!

MammaTJ · 02/08/2012 13:11

Yes, you should do it!! YANBU!! I had a fairly traumatic birth with my DD2, when it was all over I got the MW to go through it with me. She went through all the charts and talked to me about why I needed a EMCS. Helped a great deal. Then I had my massive DS!! He still has a condition that is as a result of his traumatic birth. I had requested a CS with him, but been refused. I had been told he was average size, he was 10lb 5oz. As he was number three, I was not considering any more. I would have gone for counselling if I had been thinking about it though.

JumpingThroughHoops · 02/08/2012 13:14

Can't you just have a good old fashioned rant here and get it all off your chest?

MigGril · 02/08/2012 13:21

Yes ring them and have a chat, if you have an NHS birth then you can ask for a debrief so I don't see why a privet ob wouldn't offer the same service.

Your birth story reads like my first and I didn't end up having a debrief until I was pg with my second wish if done it sooner.

oh and I had a fairly straight forward seconded delivery, just needed to be induced.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 13:24

If you paid privately then you deserve an aftercare service. Absolutely you should call them and ask for a chat.

porcamiseria · 02/08/2012 13:28

It sounds very very scary, and you are not BU to want to get a bit of help to discuss and maybe complete it?

Its funny how any non-childbirth scary occaison is respected, but when its birth we are supposed to not mind as HEY you had a healthy baby

so yanbu, not at all

shoulder dytocia is brutal brutal

NatashaBee · 02/08/2012 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

awaywego1 · 02/08/2012 13:41

I think it's a great idea to have a debrief with the obs. Also if you feel you need something more then to your GP and explain your situation and ask for a referral for CBT on the nhs. Therapists are very used to seeing patients with birth trauma issues.
In can also help to write down what you remember from the experience and get anyone who was with you to do the same. This might help you start to process things a bit.
Hope you feel better soon and Yadnbu

Chocolateporridge · 02/08/2012 13:57

YANBU - I had a very very similar delivery and because of the meds I could only remember bits here and there, I had flash backs and nightmares and would spend entire days crying, it was almost as if someone had died, although we were incredibly happy at the same time. At 9 weeks after the birth I had my 6 week check up with my OB and she could immediately tell something was wrong as I couldn't talk about delivery without crying. She referred me to the maternity counselling department. I didn't even know they had one, but most of their work is with parents of very sick babies. Anyway I had 3 sessions of counselling which helped me tremendously and I feel so much more positive about another pregnancy, so please ask if that service is available for you too. It can't do any harm to ask. Hope you feel better soon.

Lizcat · 02/08/2012 13:58

Yes yes yes. I didn't get on and have the debrief and to be honest 8 years the effect of 40 hours labour then forceps delivery due to LOP presentation was a contributing factor to the end of my marriage. Rants do not help.

mosschops30 · 02/08/2012 14:02

I had a very traumatic 3 rd birth. I developed PTSD and had counselling and medication.
Evidence shows that a debrief is generally not recommended or helpful in traumatic deliveries but if you feel it will help then go for it. I have been through my notes a lot but don't find it helpful, the medication and counselling worked better for me

Original poster

FeelTheFearAndFuckOff · 02/08/2012 14:17

Lizcat, how sad, so sorry to hear that.
Moss that is interesting - wondering if a debrief might make things worse? I guess what I want someone to say is 'it was not your fault' - and if they can't honestly say that, then well...I guess I'd feel worse! Thank you everyone else for your comments, really helpful and kind.

OP posts:

littlebluechair · 02/08/2012 14:21

YANBU. I had a debrief and have had birth trauma counselling. Both very helpful. Birth is a big thing, yes it is normal, but it is also a big experience and we each process things differently.

Stop worrying about what your Ob thinks, they are a professional, they'll have had this before. I had a debrief with my consultant, he was very helpful.

hackmum · 02/08/2012 14:24

This kind of response (e.g. weeping at the shoulder dystocia on OBEM) is very common. Definitely go and see someone about it. If you are happiest seeing the obstetrician, that's fine, and I'm sure she'd be willing to talk to you about it. Some NHS trusts offer "births stories" services where you can talk through your experience with a counsellor. (I know this wasn't NHS but you could still probably access the service.) Or go to your GP and see if they can refer you for CBT counselling.

hackmum · 02/08/2012 14:25

Oh, also, do go to the Birth Trauma Association website - they're brilliant.

LucyBTA · 02/08/2012 14:43

Hiya, I'm from the Birth Trauma Association. Thank you for the kind words about our website.

You are not pathetic, or unreasonable, and no reasonable doctor would take your questions as a slight. You have been through a traumatic experience and what you are feeling is normal and more common than you might think.

We know from the people we speak to that a lot of women find a debrief very helpful as long as it's carried out in a sensitive way. You'll find lots of info on our website. I would recommend contacting your hospital's Patient Advice and Liaison department initially (PALS) - the hospital switchboard should be able to put you through or you can write to them if you don't feel comfortable talking They will be able to tell you if there is a post-birth counselling service (some hospitals call the Birth Reflections). They will also be able to put you in touch with your consultant. You might also want to obtain a copy of your notes - info on our website here www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/help.htm

If you do go for a debrief, it's useful to write down all your questions beforehand - that's where seeing your notes comes in (we've also got a guide to understanding your notes on our site.) And take something to write with so you can take notes. You might also want to take someone you trust with you for support - entirely up to you of course. Remember, you are not alone, you are not unreasonable, and it is great that you are recognising that you have these feelings and taking steps to doing something about them.

Original poster

FeelTheFearAndFuckOff · 02/08/2012 15:09

That's incredibly helpful - thank you Lucy and everyone else

OP posts:

Brambule · 02/08/2012 15:18

Definitely go and speak to someone, you're not being unreasonable to want to talk through what happened and why.

The birth of my DD was similar to yours (without shoulder dystocia), but ending in EMCS. Although my DD is 2.5 I still can't think/talk about her birth. I wish I had explored the debrief route - good luck, I hope it helps.

LucyBTA · 02/08/2012 15:24

Just to say, Brambule, it is never too late to look back at these things if you feel it would be helpful. I had my debrief when my son was 18 months - I simply didn't feel ready to do it before then. And it is never too late to explore counselling, either.

We had one woman contact us who was in her 80s, the poor thing - she had been living with the trauma all those years. (Not that I'm saying you will! Just to illustrate the point that it's normal to still have these feelings).

littlebluechair · 02/08/2012 15:46

Brambule I didn't have my counselling until DS2 was 2. If you feel you could benefit from it, don't let the fact it's been a while put you off.

puffinnuffin · 02/08/2012 18:40

I had a debriefing session 7 years after the birth of my DD, whilst pregnant with DS! Even after this time it was very useful. It had taken me that long to even consider having another baby after my first experience and DD in SCBU (she's a very healthy 9 year old). I would say go for it- it can really help!

lovebunny · 02/08/2012 18:50

get counselling! after her traumatic delivery daughter had counselling - and so did i! it really helped. i still cry in taxis if i don't keep my mind busy, but i am so much better than i was before.

angel05 · 02/08/2012 19:22

i am just waiting for my appointment myself. i nearly died giving birth 5weeks ago and im still really unwell. i had to bring baby to the same hospital today for an appointment and i burst into tears being there and couldnt handle it. i was really mistreated also and am going further with it! defo get an appointment if thats how you feel x hope your ok xxx

lovebunny · 02/08/2012 19:48

angel05, many hugs and sympathetic thoughts. i nearly lost my daughter in november. she's still here, so are you, both of you have your babies. i thank God. there's hope, by the way. daughter doesn't tell me everything about her health (its a bit intimate!) but i think she's healed fairly well and she is certainly looking good now, and is very happy with her baby and husband.

angel05 · 03/08/2012 00:15

awww love bunny im glad shes ok now! its so sad that the thing that brings you the most happiness in the world also has pain behind it. i love my dd so much and feel truly blessed that we are both here together xxx

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