To want some post-birth counselling

[FeelTheFearAndFuckOff]

I know I should maybe post this in childbirth, but there is an AIBU element, promise!

DS birth: planned a lovely, warm whale-music fest in pool. Got continuous monitoring, pethidine, oxytocin augmentation, epidural and forceps and a very scary shoulder dystocia at the end for good measure. Oh and a nice big ol' tear, too. All intervention for good reasons that came up at the time, no quibbles there.

Felt fine for a few months, elated even that we survived it. But now, whenever I am reminded of it, I seem to sink into depression for a few days. Example: I saw the awful shoulder dystocia delivery on OBEM recently. It made me shake to watch it and I cried (when on my own) for the rest of the day and couldn't do anything all weekend. DP can't understand it at all and half thinks I'm insane, I think!

I feel sad that birth wasn't a positive experience, sad that my DS went through so much, UNBELIEVABLY guilty that I might have contributed to it (having epidural, growing a big-ish baby because I couldn't lay off the hobnobs in pregnancy

So - if you're still with me - the AIBU element. I feel I really need to sit down with a health professional and get things of my chest, so I can move on. Birth was private and obs-led, so I think the best person is really the obstetrician. But I just feel worried that she might take it as some sort of criticism of the way she handled DS birth (IT IS NOT - she was calm, kind and brilliant and had a v good rapport with her throughout the birth and I'll trust her with DC2, if I have another). I was so grateful to her for the safe delivery of DS, smiling and elated at the time of his birth, that it kind of feels wrong to say...you know what, in retrospect that was a horrible experience and I need you to help me understand why it happened. Worried she might take it as some sort of slight. God that makes me sound really fucking pathetic. Any thoughts/advice?

Hi angel05 hope your appointment goes well. I also nearly lost my baby and it has taken a loooong time to process. You take care of yourself, respect your feelings and trust that one day you will feel better.

hey. sorry for late reply. thank you so much. i hope you are ok x sending my love xxxx

YANBU. I had a traumatic birth with ds and suffered PTSD as a result. It went undiagnosed until I fell pregnant with a much wanted dc2 and started considering a termination purely to avoid childbirth again. I hired a private midwife for my second pregnancy, who listened/counselled/hypno birthed me in preparation for dd's birth and I can honestly say, that I have gone from thinking about ds's birth pretty much every single waking moment, to hardly ever. When I do think about it now, it's more of a 'shrugging shoulders, that didn't go to plan' sentiment rather than a 'reliving every awful moment on replay' sentiment. I wish I had sought some help sooner.

yanbu. How old is your dc? Mys dts are 6 months and I felt a bit about their birth for about 4 months. I didnt have a birth plan but it still wasnt nice.....

I agree with whoever said have a rant here. Pm me if you like whilst its still early days for us.

Ive come to the realisation that you cant change the past though so lets look to the future (with our lovely healthy babies). For the record none of us, you included op, will ever forget that time but it will become easier to remember.

Yes, absolutely seek professional help.

And the birth "facts" as such don't matter so much as how you feel about it; obviously you are quite traumatised so debriefing with a sensible maternity carer would seem a v good idea.

All the best