I'm not, am I? (dh and newborn night feed question)

[Wigglewoo]

Ds is 7 weeks old and wakes up 2.5 hours round the clock, as they do.

Dh always says he wants to do night feeds and be involved. Yep, great. But - he genuinely doesn't hear ds. So its a case of me hearing ds and waking up, then when its dh's turn I nudge (kick) dh to get up. This in itself annoys me as my sleep is already broken by having to get him up. But fair enough.

But the main problem is dh is so bloody noisy and angry!! I listen to him moaning and flapping about and banging the bottle on the bed if ds won't drink it (because he's very wakeful and sometimes just wants to stare about). I can hear dh getting more and more annoyed ("oh for fucks sake" "its 4/6am") etc. I only ask him to do one night feed maybe every other day.

This morning I asked him to get up with ds at 6.30am as I had done all the night and ds had been a nightmare (- had 3 hours sleep myself). I know dh is stressed at work so I did the night so he could sleep). I expected dh to be grateful but instead he was sooo grumpy and started feeding ds as if it was nighttime when he was clearly ready to get up and go downstairs. Ds started crying and being unsettled and dh is stomping about moaning and getting angry with ds.

So I got up as how was I supposed to sleep through that anyway and I took ds downstairs and fed him etc. Dh now pissed off at me as he thinks I'm saying he's a crap dad.

I said he's not a crap dad - in fact when its daytime hees better with ds than I am at settling him!! But nighttime is a disaster. So I said maybe I should do nights and he could do the last feed. Now he's saying I am taking the nights away from him because he's "useless" fucks sake. I'm so angry. Well what's the point in him waking me up and me lying there listening to him getting more and more annoyed with ds and the whole thing???

He says I get just as annoyed and I admit I do sometimes say "oh god go back to sleep" but its very much under my breath and I try not to let my tone of voice affect ds whereas he really gets very angry.

Aibu in saying to him if he can't be calmer about it then there's no point in him doing it?? Its not exactly allowing me to get anymore sleep!!!

He's gone to work now and we're not on good terms at all now. What a great start to the day!!!

You're at a very tough stage. Now is the time to be as kind as possible to one another. It sounds like your DH is overwhelmed and is taking that out on you and your baby which isn't right. Could you sit down and have a calm talk to him, tell him everything you've said here?

At 7 weeks and on formula I'd have thought your baby should be sleeping for longer than 2.5 hours at a time?
Do you need to up how much formula you're giving at a time?

I did all the night feeds on a work night and DH did weekend. Is that an option?

I wouldn't be happy about the swearing and ranting at a 7 week old, do you really think your baby won't pick up on his mood and get more upset/ awake?

Your situation sounds like the same one DP and I were in when DS was that small.... except in our case is was me that would get angry and frustrated and DP that was the calm one. It's so tough and everyone responds to sleeplessness differently. My suggestion would be to buy some ear plugs for when it is DH's turn. He WILL wake up eventually, are you making sure he is sleeping next to your DS when it's his turn to feed? DP and I swap sides of the bed when its our turn to see to DS during the night, it makes it much easier for the person that's off duty just to roll over and go back to sleep.

Remember, just because he's snapping at your DS doesn't mean he's going to be rough with him or hurt him. Just pop your earplugs in, roll over, and leave them to it.

Maybe your Dh could just help with night feeds on Friday/Saturday when he hasn't got work the next day?

I'm also supprised that your baby isn't sleeping longer... how much does he take at each bottle? and what flow teats are you using?

I forgot to add that I did all the night feeds as my H was an arse not very patient

I breastfed so obviously slightly different, but particularly with my firstborn it very much felt like it should be "my" job to get up in the night if DH was going to work the next day. So on weeknights I do think you're being a bit U, but on a Friday or a Saturday night then you're not at all.

Agree this is a hard time and you need to bear that in mind... it does get better

I've been there!! It used to really upset me. But that's just how DH was coping I guess.

TBH by dc3 we agreed that DH would do the late feed (11pm ish) and I would go to bed as early as possible, and do the night feeds. Dh then did the lion's share of cooking etc (wish he'd done more cleaning!)

This might not be the solution you want. But I would sit down after a meal and explain that you want him to get enough sleep so that his work isn't affected. Ans that the last feed would help the most....The phase doesn't last forever. I'd add "we need to be kind to each other".

FWIW I really don't think it's a good idea for your baby to hear DH's angry voice. But I wouldn't tell him that. He sounds like he's feeling quite low about his parenting skills. Thus takes time, and criticism won't help here. Good luck

I really feel for you!!

Can I just say I disagree that a day at work should trump a day with a newborn for who does the night feeds. Unless a DH/P is doing a particularly dangerous manual job then why should he be entitled to a blissful eight hours? My DP sits at a desk all day and we have a particularly wakeful baby who doesn't require sleep therefore I have no chance to 'catch up during the day when he naps' as people so helpfully advise. Why should I survive on 4-5 hours sleep every 24 hours whilst DP gets 8?

I think to some extent it's true that if he doesn't do it with good grace, there's not much point doing it. But at the same time, it's not a solution to be a martyr and get angry (telling him to go back to sleep etc.) - because you end up doing too much and being resentful. Sympathies BTW: I have been there and it's hard. Your DH sounds quite similar to mine in the night - he can be short-tempered and irritable, but he is willing at the same time. As others have said, this is a hard time and you are both dealing with reduced sleep. Maybe in a calm moment, you could say that the swearing and irritability upsets you and that you'd be really grateful if he could try to stay calm when it's his turn to night feed.

So: I'd say you have to try and keep your temper and leave him off to deal with the situation as best he can - he'll get better. Say you weren't there: he'd have to manage, and he would, probably very well. So when it's his turn, wake him if need be and then stay in bed and let him deal with the situation. Try to detach, breath deeply and get back to sleep if at all possible. The dealing with the 6.30am wake-up as if it was the middle of the night would annoy me too, but that's just because he's longing for another half an hour in bed and sure, if it works, how bad. It's his call in a way anyway. If it doesn't work, let him get up again and deal with getting the baby up.

Sounds like you have a lovely supportive DH. Try to stay on the same side during this hard period. It will end soon enough and things will be easier.

I agree wuth you Desperately.

OP, does your OH stay up late? I think for some couples it is easier to share up the night and say: X will do 8pm-12 and Y 12-6am then X gets up with the baby (though they do have to get up and go away!)

That way the person who copes most badly with being 'woken' can choose to just stay up if they'd rather, and person Y who is doing the bulk of the night feeds can sleep undisturbed on either side.

You are taking the nights away from him because he is useless at them.

Much better for him to do the last feed and give you a proper break than pretend to do night feeds while throwing a strop at a small baby every time they wake.

Personally I do think a day at work requires more sleep than a day with a newborn (or in my case a newborn and 2 preschoolers ).

However I'm bf so don't get any choice in the matter (have never got on with expressing) so I feel of anyone who gets any help at all with night feeds.

Sorry that sounds like one upmanship which it wasn't meant to. It's just a phase, it will pas and I agree with the advice to be kind to each other. Dh and I blamed each other sometimes when the nights were tough and felt resentful of each other which was pretty unhelpful.

It's a surprise that a 7 week old bottle-fed baby is waking every 2.5 hours. It's very, very unlikely to be hunger. You may be inadvertantly adding to the baby's distress/wakefulness by offering bottles at that frequency. Perhaps do a bit of reading on daytime routines and sleeping, play and feeding patterns. I found the Baby Whisperer quite useful, for example.

About your husband, for the sake of harmony just do the night feeds yourself and task him with different things. Bathing the baby, for example. Or the late feed before bed (10.30 - 11pm). Also, prepare your bottles during the day so all you have to do is warm them up.

A familiar story I'm afraid. With both out children dh and I go went through the whole who's had more sleep/is more tired competition. Just the same as everything else when a new person changes your world, you both need to learn to change and adapt and you are right now at the point where a full and frank conversation would be best. My ds was (still is at 2.6) a terrible sleeper, wish so much I'd listened to all those telling me to nap with him during the day! Dh and I eventually found our rhythm with me doing sun-thurs night feeds and then a night each at the weekends. Although that was adjusted when I returned to work and I did have to wake him when it was his turn! Luckily with dd we've found things a but easier and reached our compromise much quicker! Dh now seems to appreciate how difficult a job being SAHM can be now! I do any night feeds and dh does early mornings letting me have s very small lie in during the week and a bit more at weekends. Dh happy as he gets full night every night and I get that wee top up in the morning to keep me sane for the day.
What I'm trying, through my ramble, to say is that you need to try to have the chat about what you both expect from each other. Then try to find a compromise that will work for you both. And remember it's not forever!

We had exactly the same! I was bf, but DH had to get out of bed to bring me DS so I could feed him, and he used to get into a right stink at night. dS is 20 months and stil not sleeping through yet, and we are trying to deal with it by doing shifts.

Dh is a night owl, so does the late night get ups, and I do all the early morning from about 3. On nights where we are both working the next day, we share it equally.

I think you do need more sleep if you are working. My brain just doesn't work if I am too tired!

I had the same problem with dp. It was far easier for me to go to bed at 9 and for him to stay up for the last feed, then I did all the night feeds and whoever was chirpiest got up in the morning.

As others have said, you're not the first to go through this and you certainly won't be the last. Find a way that suits you both,but he should be careful not to make as a big deal out of it as you say he is! Won't be long till your baby is past this stage and on to the next thing that will stress you out!

Thank you for the replies. I am going to re- read them and try some of the suggestions.

Maybe I am being a bit unfairly judgy to dh when he's clearly trying to do his best. I guess I am sleep deprived and fed up in all honesty. But I do think he could be a bit kinder towards ds - its not his fault he wakes up! I think dh's resentment is a bit over the top, esp when I can hear ds cry because dh has taken the bottle off him because this morning he was gulping it down too quick and lots of air with it - he did give it back to him straight away though.. Whereas I would have let him have it.. Maybe I'm being all pfb even though hes my second (dh's first - I have dd aged 8).

I don't know what to do re the amount of formula... He's having 6oz at a time, I made 7oz bottles and he stops before he's at the end... We don't force feed him, if we don't offer a bottle he goes mad. I try and settle him with a dummy but then he only sleep for 30 mins and wake up again! (He did this between 4.30am and 6.30 when I gave in and asked dh to feed him). He was 6lb 9 at birth and is now 11lb 4...
His sleep is awful. He literally won't sleep more than 2 hours (not all at once) all day and 2.5 hour stretches at night, with a good hours being awake and looking about in between. He's not crying or unhappy, just won't sleep!)
Its a shock after my dd who was sleeping 11-7 from about 6 weeks!! (Her own doing).

I am shattered :(

I agree with calina dont get into this with your husband, try and work out a compromise. when mine were babies Dh would do last feed most nights if he wasnt working and then I would do during the night and depending on his shift he would do the 6 oclock , Dh would get up during the night on weekends and he could have a lie in , we would swap, new babies drain the life from you and arguing with partners isnt worth it IMO, yes it is his baby too but trying to sort this out can cause friction and resentment, talk about it try and compromise

I don't think waking that regularly is particularly unusual - it's certainly normal for bf babies, and just because he is ff doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to feed on demand! (Unless it's all adding up to a huge amount more than the packet amounts suggest)

I really don't think you should be doing all the night wakings - no wonder you are shattered.

He is wrong to be swearing/getting cross with the baby too. As well as just not being very nice I think that kind of thing does wind babies up, and if you can work out how to say it calmly, suggesting that being calm and quiet will work much better than being abrupt and shouty I would.

I must admit I let out a few "oh for fuck sakes!" at 2am wake ups!

What we did was DH would do the last feed at 10pm, meanwhile I had gone to bed at 9pm at the latest, and I would then do the 2am and 6am feeds. I also slept in the day when DS did. On a Friday or Saturday DH would also do the 2am feed, and if one of us was still tired at the weekend we would just go and have a sleep in the daytime.

Thank goodness DS was a good sleeper and we stopped night time feeds at 4 months as it is the hardest thing to deal with a baby and tiredness IMO. If you've had enough sleep you can deal with babies screaming so much better!

My babies were FF and up every 2/3 hours at 7 weeks they were fed on demand, they dont always drink a full bottle and they shouldnt have too, they have teeny tummys at 7 weeks