I'm not, am I? (dh and newborn night feed question)

[Wigglewoo]

Ds is 7 weeks old and wakes up 2.5 hours round the clock, as they do.

Dh always says he wants to do night feeds and be involved. Yep, great. But - he genuinely doesn't hear ds. So its a case of me hearing ds and waking up, then when its dh's turn I nudge (kick) dh to get up. This in itself annoys me as my sleep is already broken by having to get him up. But fair enough.

But the main problem is dh is so bloody noisy and angry!! I listen to him moaning and flapping about and banging the bottle on the bed if ds won't drink it (because he's very wakeful and sometimes just wants to stare about). I can hear dh getting more and more annoyed ("oh for fucks sake" "its 4/6am") etc. I only ask him to do one night feed maybe every other day.

This morning I asked him to get up with ds at 6.30am as I had done all the night and ds had been a nightmare (- had 3 hours sleep myself). I know dh is stressed at work so I did the night so he could sleep). I expected dh to be grateful but instead he was sooo grumpy and started feeding ds as if it was nighttime when he was clearly ready to get up and go downstairs. Ds started crying and being unsettled and dh is stomping about moaning and getting angry with ds.

So I got up as how was I supposed to sleep through that anyway and I took ds downstairs and fed him etc. Dh now pissed off at me as he thinks I'm saying he's a crap dad.

I said he's not a crap dad - in fact when its daytime hees better with ds than I am at settling him!! But nighttime is a disaster. So I said maybe I should do nights and he could do the last feed. Now he's saying I am taking the nights away from him because he's "useless" fucks sake. I'm so angry. Well what's the point in him waking me up and me lying there listening to him getting more and more annoyed with ds and the whole thing???

He says I get just as annoyed and I admit I do sometimes say "oh god go back to sleep" but its very much under my breath and I try not to let my tone of voice affect ds whereas he really gets very angry.

Aibu in saying to him if he can't be calmer about it then there's no point in him doing it?? Its not exactly allowing me to get anymore sleep!!!

He's gone to work now and we're not on good terms at all now. What a great start to the day!!!

If you think your baby is waking up because of hunger, it might be worth having a chat with your HV as s/he will be able to Give you some good advice. I always fed ds back to sleep, when he was very small, but he has always just been very wakeful baby at night (and in the day!)

Does your Dc sleep in the car? At our lowest points (!) dh would take ds out in the car for 2/3 hours whilst I slept, so I was a bit more recharged and able to cope in the night. He also had a few nights sleeping on the sofa so he could get a full nights sleep so that he could recharge.

Just remember, you are not alone, a lot of us have been through this. Dh found it really hard to cope when ds was small and crying at night. Like your dh, he used to get angry and shouts at ds, which of course just made it worse. But by about 6 months is had completely changed, and dh dotes on ds now.

A lot of this is exhaustion, and of course the big change gng from a family of 2 to a family of 3. But it WILL get better. just keep talking to each other, and remember that this is about tiredness, not how you feel about each other or your DC.

DH was exactly the same as yours, in the end I just stopped waking him up but would prod him from 6am onwards to get up with the baby. I did talk to him about it but I waited until DS was alseep and DH was relatively chilled, then I was very diplomatic and rather than saying 'You are utterly vile when you do night feeds' I said that as he was working and I wasn't, I thought it was more fair that my sleep was disturbed, but that I would appreciate him getting up with DS in the mornings to give me a chance to sleep. He doesn't leave for work until 7.30 so that meant I got an hour and a half uninterrupted sleep in the mornings.

It wasn't ideal, I'd have preferred him to have been less bloody horrible at night so that we could have shared the burden - at least at weekends - but actually it worked out quite well... Plus, by the time DS stopped waking at night DH was so into the routine of getting up with him that he still does it so I nearly always get a longer lay in than him!

Both my children were fed formula and fed every 2.5 - 3hrs day and night they went slightly longer at night around 4 months then again at 6 months and dropped night feeds all together at about 7 months, id say its completely normal.

Both dh and i have been known to moan a bit at nightfeeds, its hard to get used to having your sleep so broken, dh tended to do more night feeds than me as he was just better at coping on little sleep and i did all day care

Thanks. Exhaustion is a terrible thing.

Dh is very good with ds during the day. He had a day off yesterday and took ds out in the pram for 2 hours so I could have a bath in peace etc. He also got ds to sleep at 9pm for his bedtime / nap. So its just the night times he's crap at! I've suggested him doing the last feed before bed but the problem is ds doesn't have any routine so the last feed could be 10 but it could be 12ish if he's down at 9 like last night (that was his longest sleep). So if its that late dh is already in bed... Difficult!

I've sent dh a text to say I'm sorry and I know he's trying his best. I still feel annoyed he gets so angry though. As others have said I think its unsettling to ds. He keeps saying ds settles better for me and that's probably why!

I will however try and bite my tongue.

I do believe in feeding on demand. Sometimes ds will leave a lot of the bottle but I think with bf babies they come on and off the breast so I just let him do what he likes and if he seems hungry (rooting etc) then I feed him. He would cry otherwise.

OP - if your gut tells you that your dh's behaviour is OTT, then words do need to be had about it. Not sharp words, but frank words. His behaviour is upsetting you because it is impacting on all of you, but he seems to be soley concerned for himself (hence the gruffing and swearing).

We all get grumpy in the night when tending a baby, being diddled out of precious wonderful sleep like that. I have sworn under my breath in the wee smalls - even cried, and I have felt bloody angry that my child seems intent on keeping me up too. It's dire.

However, it's the same for us all - your dh isn't especially inconvenienced, and hasn't been issued with a licence to behave like a turd over it, and make his wife and baby bear the brunt of his irritation. It's unkind and selfish.

As regards what your child's eating a sleeping patterns are - all babies are different and it will settle eventually. Keep doing what you are doing, even though it's gruesome, and the periods of sleep will get longer.

This is a difficult time like everyone says....it's hard to keep perspective and behave yourself with so much disruption...you yourself will be more susceptible to annoyance...but I still think that if his behaviour is making you cry or feel intimidated to the point that you are afraid to ask for or expect help from him, then you should think about nipping that right in the bud.

If bed time could be at any time why not introduce a little bit of a routine. Like bath and bed at 8 and DH deals with him any time he gets up until midnight (Giving you a chance for sleep/ early night) and then you take over after midnight?

If bed time could be at any time why not introduce a little bit of a routine. Like bath and bed at 8 and DH deals with him any time he gets up until midnight (Giving you a chance for sleep/ early night) and then you take over after midnight?

yes to this your baby is just new to you and dad so it takes a while to get into a routine that suits but I used to go to bed at 9 and leave DH to it until 12/1

I don't think you should say sorry if you're not.

I also don't think him being a bit crap at it means he shouldn't do it - that's giving him a cast-iron way to get out of anything he doesn't want to do for the next 18 years!

He has a child now. He has an obligation to learn how to cope in a satisfactory manner.

Sorry to be brutal about it, but WTF would he do if you died? Both parents MUST be able to cope with all aspects of looking after their DC and that's it, IMHO.

How old is your husband? 10? Not waking up and needing you to prod and poke him until he wakes. Swearing at the baby. Making as much noise as possible and banging the bottle on the bed. He needs to grow up and take his responsibilities seriously.

Can't believe some of you are excusing his behaviour. I wonder what the response would be on here if a man posted that his wife was behaving like the OP's husband, not hearing her own baby at night and swearing at it? I would bet money that there wouldn't be the 'Awww it's a big adjustment, be kind to your wife' comments.

It pisses me right off. Why do some on here condone the way some men behave because 'awwww they're men'?

I agree about the unpleasant behaviour, but I also know what my response would be if I had work the next day while my husband was on holiday (and because he's a teacher, this happens quite a lot), and he still expected me to get up in the night if one of the DCs needed sorting.

Sorry but I still think if one of you has to go out and go to work the next day, then they are the one who needs to sleep more. They can then do more at eg the weekends when they don't have work.

I dont think anybody mother or father swearing and banging about is acceptable behaviour either, infact i think it is abusive and childish however they need to sort it out,

I think the odd ''oh for fuck sake!'' in a moment of frustration and tiredness isn't abusive, I think it would be if it were on a regular basis. I think a bit of leeway is needed as it's a massive learning curve to have a baby and it's not easy.

Actually I do sympathise with your DH - with both of you - because I think around 7 weeks was probably when we both hit our lowest point. Sleep deprivation was really taking its toll, DS wasn't settling into any regular routine and like yours was still waking every 2-3 hours. I remember it just felt endless and we both thought we couldn't cope with any more but you do find the reserves. I know for DH the frustration was not feeling able to 'fix' the situation and he'd get annoyed too (as would I - had some real low moments including telling my son to shut up)...

Like others have said I think you need to do what each does best - there's no point dividing each specific task equally if you're not equally good at them - so let him do any time after 6 ish and treat that as the morning. Or if he really wants to do nights then could you sleep in another room? That way you wouldnt be so disturbed by the noise and your DH will have to find his own way. You aren't both going to be great at the same things; it doesn't make him a crap dad, it's just being realistic about it.

MrsJay it's not abuse.

If a man posted that his wife wasn't hearing their newborn cry in the night and had to be prodded and poked to be woken up, then when she did get up she banged around and swore at the baby, the replies on here would be full of 'Contact your HV, it's not normal behaviour', and 'she needs to sort herself out'. There would be no, or very little, replies saying to treat her with kid gloves and let her do things her own way in her own time, I guarantee it.

Yet because it's a man then it's apparently acceptable behaviour according to the majority on here. It's sickening

Getting angry with a baby for being a baby is being a crap Dad, and he needsa telling

Out of interest OP, does DS feed better with you at night?

DS would never feed with me at night, he would fall asleep, I'd get annoyed, prod him awake, he'd feed for a bit & then fall asleep..so me feeding DS at night would take over 30mins each time, whereas for DH he'd 'dreamfeed', finish the bottle & be back asleep within 15mins.
In the end I stopped dealing with DS at night as it was just stressing everyone out, and unless I'm alone at night with DS I don't wake up when he cries.

We changed onto hungry baby formula at around 4 weeks, on the advice of HV, and it changed how DS was (he went from hungry every half hour & taking 120mls every feed to 5 bottles of 150-160 a day).

Hope it gets easier for everyone soon.

The OP is not on holiday - she's on maternity leave, she also has an older child so presumably can't sleep in the day and does need to be functioning.

Of course it's not fun going to work and being tired. But it's no fun looking after children while tired either - it's the sacrifice BOTH of you chose to make when you had a child.

Thanks. I do have an 8 year old who needs some level of interaction and parenting (and fun!) From me so daytime napping is not an option.

I am more than happy to do all the night feeds - its dh who is insisting on doing his share and then moaning about it.. Which is the part I don't like. If he doesn't like doing it and ds settles better for me then why do it? I said to dh I'd be happy if he just did the last feed or the early morning one... He thinks I am being unreasonable as I am taking his son away from him or something along those lines...

I will look into the hungry baby formula. I've been tempted with that just wasn't sure if it might upset ds's tummy. Worth a try!

I wouldn't say dh was being abusive to ds but he is (in my opinion) being unfair to ds and to me as well in that he seems to have no regard for the fact te reason he's doing it is to give me a rest! Its not like "everyone can get up and see what a good dad I am" if that makes sense.

Oh fuck it I'm still bloody angry. When I remember this morning and how rotten he was it just makes me mad. All ds wanted was a cuddle and a bottle and he's faffing about swearing and banging things about. Its not fair on ds. (Who was fine when I took him downstairs and fed him).

Its hard to qualify what's a "normal" or reasonable amount of resentment when it comes to night feeds. I mean no one's going to spit rainbows being woken at 4am but its just part of the territory. I'm pretty confident I'm not as vile as dh says I am, given by the fact he sleeps through it all - I doubt anyone could sleep through his turn.

I agree, TeWe, although I also do most of the nighttime stuff as DH commutes by car so I really don't want him to be sleepy. He does help out during the evenings, at night at the weekend if she doesn't need feeding (I'm bf'ing) and in the mornings at the weekends or if he's working at home.

Yes, he has a stressful job, but looking after a baby that will not be put down for a nap is no picnic either so I think that's fair. You just need to work out something that you're both happy with. Making a martyr of yourself and burying your resentment will do no one any favours.

I agree also that you should try to be kind to each other. Best of luck, OP. It will get easier very soon, because either the baby will start sleeping for longer or you will get used to sleeping less...