Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to allow my daughter to have her hair and nails done for an event

59 replies

freddiefrog · 01/08/2012 23:12

only DH and I have come to major blows about it.

DD1 (10, nearly 11) has a big prize giving event coming up soon. She won a award in an art competition and a big prize giving ceremony has been arranged.

We had a girly shopping day at the weekend when she chose a new outfit and I've booked to take her to a friend's salon to have her hair and nails done on the day as a treat

The dress is quite grown up I suppose but not tarty, revealing or short - just a simple knee length shift dress really, some shoes with a small heel and a bracelet to wear with it

DH think it's far too old for her and shouldn't be having her nails/hair done.

I think that it's one night, it's a special grown up event and it's a treat so a bit of nail varnish and a hair do won't do her any harm

Thanks!

OP posts:

Original poster

freddiefrog · 03/08/2012 13:11

Thanks!

With make up, generally she's not interested. But every now and then she likes to have nail varnish or something. Last night, for example, she had a couple of friends round for a sleep over and they were making face packs and wasting cucumbers and painting each others nails. He hit the roof this morning when he saw her very pale pink nail varnish and the clear Boots Natural Collection lip gloss

As a rule we don't let her wear it, and she doesn't want to, but every now and then, like a sleep over or a special occasion I don't see the harm.

And with the hairdresser, usually my friend comes here, she sits in the kitchen and has it done, but as a treat for a special occasion I thought I'd take her to the salon

With clothes she generally wears what all the other girls round here wear - we live in a little seaside village and the uniform tends to be board shorts/jeans and t-shirts/hooded sweaters and converse or flip-flops.

She's desperate to have her ears pierced and I always felt that once she was old enough to look after them herself, it would be fine. He disagrees!

And with the going out, he checks on her the whole time. We give her some freedom, she has a radius she has to stick to and I expect her to text if her plans change so I know where she is, but he constantly rings and texts her to see where she is/who she's with/what she's doing. It's really over bearing and I think she really needs a bit of freedom.

My dad was the same and I rebelled, and I can see the same thing happening here if he doesn't chill a bit

OP posts:

auntpetunia · 03/08/2012 14:14

Maybe you need to tell him about your rebelling, if he's not careful she is going to do the same, what is he scared of? If he keeps ringing or texting she'll start ignoring the calls or lieing about where she is and what she's doing, I know I rebelled but in the days before mobile phones so I just said I was going to x and then went to y!!!! Occasionally I got caught out but not often.

Does your dh have a sister or other female relative you can get to talk to him about this.its 2012 not 1912 and so far your DD sounds like she dresses appropriately for her age and the area you live in, but her dad sounds nuts!

HeathRobinson · 03/08/2012 14:17

YANBU.

NatashaBee · 03/08/2012 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wineandroses · 03/08/2012 16:02

I agree with the posters who say he is pushing her towards lying about where she's going and who she's with. He's also in great danger of seriously damaging his relationship with her. Every child wants to be trusted and his constant checking up shows that he does not trust her. How stressful for her, and for you.

He is, of course, being absolutely ridiculous about a nice hair style and bit of pink nail polish. What a prat.

I can tell you about my own experience - my parents allowed me to have a certain level of freedom, and they told me they trusted me. In return, I told them where I was, where I was going and with whom. I came home when I said I would (mostly). It was a two-way street; I didn't want to betray their trust (or not much...I wasn't an angel but I always knew they worried about safety so I tried not to give them too many reasons to worry).

My cousin, on the other hand, was constantly being checked up on and so she simply lied to her parents about everything. She still does and she's now a grown-up, but they are so bloody controlling she can't tell them a thing.

MissFaversam · 03/08/2012 16:04

YANBU, he is.

BrummieMummie · 03/08/2012 16:23

Congratulations to your DD :) What she is planning to wear sounds entirely age appropriate and I'm sure she will look lovely.

Your DH definitely sounds like he doesn't want your DD to grow up. It's not just him being "overprotective" in the sense that he worries about her - what harm can he think she's going to come to by wearing lipgloss? What exactly do you mean when you say he "hit the roof"? Is he shouting at her? If he's actually having a rational conversation with her about why exactly she "shouldn't" be wearing nail varnish then I have a little more sympathy with him but I suspect that's not the case.

Have you asked your DH what exactly he's worried about and why he's turning this into such a big issue?

IME you really do have to pick your battles when they start becoming teenagers as otherwise you just end up arguing all the time and that doesn't help anyone. I take the view with my DD2 that no harm is going to come to her if she wears a short skirt and a lot little bit of eye make-up to a friend's party - and that it is worth allowing her to do so in order that I keep the lines of communication with her open.

I really hope your DH has told your DD how proud he is of her and not just focussed on this battle over a little bit of nail varnish :(

MarysBeard · 03/08/2012 16:38

My dad got all arsey with me about doing anything remotely grown up once I got to about 11, including yelling at any boys who called at the front door for me - my mum nearly always overrruled him as she was strictly brought up and wanted me to have much more freedom.

The result was me withdrawing from him and the relationship has never really been the same since, though I love him dearly and we do get on well. I'd have loved to be able to confide in him as I did my mum but was always just afraid of his reaction. I still only really gloss over things with him and I'm 37. We were as thick as thieves when I was little though. Sad.

tinkertitonk · 03/08/2012 16:39

All men think their daughters are 6, even when they have husbands, jobs and children. Your DH is just a bit more committed than most to this view.

MarysBeard · 03/08/2012 16:40

But then I suppose it was quite scary for him as I looked very much older than my age all of a sudden - without any enhancement. I always looked 3/4 years older. I can never really see it from a man's perspective though.

yellowraincoat · 03/08/2012 16:40

I think French plaits are adorable and not too grown up at all. I'm not really into little girls being made up etc, but that sounds fine.

FateLovesTheFearless · 03/08/2012 16:42

Yanbu. I would be absolutely fine with a bit of make up, hair, nails and a nice dress.

squoosh · 03/08/2012 16:52

French plaits are the most childlike of hairstyles so I don't know really know why he would have a problem with this. Does he think to be a good Dad he has to be a Victorian Dad? If so that will backfire on him royally.

Do you think he hears the word 'hairdresser' or 'beauty salon' and think they're dens on iniquity where harlots go to be buffed, bronzed and waxed.

I hate seeing little girls dressed as adults but this isn't one of these occasions. I had a French plait put in my hair for my Confirmation, even had a ribbon woven through it if I recall. Racy.

Pagwatch · 03/08/2012 16:57

My DD is 10 in a few weeks.
I would let her have her hair dressed but no to any make up and no to nail varnish for an award/ prize ceremony.
She can put some nail varnish on for a party or messing about at the weekend. But not a formal thing. No way
I don't care what other girls are allowed to do

Well done to your DD. I hope she has a good time

squoosh · 03/08/2012 16:59

Why is it ok to wear nail varnish to a party but not to this event?

KaFayOLay · 03/08/2012 17:03

I'm with your DH. I hate to see little girls dressed as little women

Pagwatch · 03/08/2012 17:04

To me a party is messing about with her peers. An award is a formal ceremony.

I quite accept that others think it is fine and I have no opinion on other peoples choices. I just wouldn't.

squoosh · 03/08/2012 17:04

How many women do you see dressed in BHS kids dresses with french plaits?

Sastra · 03/08/2012 17:05

Sounds lovely to me. Well done to your DD, hope she has a wonderful time

CleoSmackYa · 03/08/2012 17:10

YANBU. As a one-off, I think it's fine. Congratulations to your daughter!

BlisdergamesbeginPack · 03/08/2012 17:13

I am with your DH on this. Not that I disagree with a french plait or nail varnish, but I don't like the idea that a special treat is dandifying yourself with grown-up looking clothes (your own words) and a visit to the salon. Not at 10, no way.

wildkat · 03/08/2012 17:20

Agree with Blisder and Orenishii (small minority obviously)

squoosh · 03/08/2012 17:24

Do you think her husband's behaviour in general sounds overly controlling?

Ambivalence · 03/08/2012 17:28

A french plait is a lovely and practical hairdo, you also sound v reasonable about the clothes - what does he want her in - velvet dresses and white knee high socks?

Original poster

freddiefrog · 03/08/2012 18:18

Yes, I think he does want her to wear velvet dresses with matching Alice bands! She's never liked stuff like that though so he's onto a losing battle

With the 'hitting the roof' he didn't shout, he's not a shouter ever, but he was quite cross and made her remove the nail varnish. And had a grump at me for allowing it.

I don't have a problem with the occasional bit of nail varnish and clear lipgloss so he doesn't have an ally with me. I hate not 100% backing him up, we always present a united front, but in this case I just don't agree with him and think he's doing more harm than good.

And with the going out, I think we need to trust her. We live in a little seaside village, it's safe, everyone knows everyone so I'd soon hear if she was somewhere she shouldn't be. We give her boundaries and rules and she sticks to them - she's not allowed sown to the harbour for example as i don't think she's a strong enough swimmer yet, I trust her to stick to that rule and she does. He feels the need to keep checking that she's not in the harbour rather than trusting her. I think she needs age appropriate independence and freedom, I don't want her to get to 16/17/18/whatever and not have a clue. She leads a fairly sheltered life down here to start with.

The dress isn't a womans dress, it's a dogtooth shift dress from BHS, yes it's more grown up than her usual shorts/t-shirts/hoodies but it's still a child's dress from a children's range of clothes

He doesn't try to control me in the slightest, and in someways he's far more laid back than I am about stuff - he'll be the one encouraging her to do something while I'm hiding behind my hands having 50 fits (he's outside teaching them to skateboard at the moment while I'm inside panicking about broken arms and trips to A&E later) but the clothes/going out is definitely a sticking point

I might get his sister to have a chat, she has a DD the same age so he might listen to her

Thanks!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread