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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU by not attending family christening?

66 replies

Woopdiedoo · 01/08/2012 18:10

So, BIL and SIL have booked DC2's christening on the same day as my DC's birthday party for the second year running (they did the same thing with DC1 last year). I didn't mind so much last year and attended both events but logistically it was a nightmare with us being stressed and late for DC's party and she was tired.

I won't bore you with the details but she pulls this kind of crap all the time. When we swapped invitations they said it had been a 'mistake' to book it on the day but it just so happens that I know the owner of the play gym and they told us that they'd been in to check the register on the day they'd booked the christening. The fact that they said it had been a 'mistake' I think indictes that they know they have been unfair, or have they?

So AIBU by refusing to attend bearing in mind that we will have just got back off holiday and I only have a short time to sort stuff out for the party and was hoping to use that morning. WWYD? Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
HoneyDragonSponseredByCocaCola · 02/08/2012 08:02

I have been married 10 years so had SIL in an official capacity now. Dh and I are fairly laid back characters which helps. We simply don't rise to it or acknowledge that we know things have been done on purpose. And we now stick to our plans.

If you stick to your guns then she will keep trying harder and eventually others will see your sils true colours and you guys will come across as tolerant and reasonable.

Cabrinha · 02/08/2012 08:36

She sounds like a nightmare.
But... This wedding venue? I'm confused about that - either you booked it after she did, but for an earlier date, or after she did when she'd cancelled. So either you were potentially upstaging her making her look like she'd copied you (lots of people don't want a wedding that could look like a duplicate of a family member, it wouldn't bother me, but it's not bridezilla to not want that) or you were possibly getting the wedding she may have been sad to postpone.
Apart from the wedding thing I'd say she's crackers - but add in the wedding venue and I wonder what she thinks from her side?

Cabrinha · 02/08/2012 08:37

If it is all on her side, is the christening morning, birthday afternoon? If so, I'd put on a mini bus for family - so you can spirit them all away bang on time ;0)

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 08:49

Ah, the wedding thing. They had their wedding booked there as her father was paying but they postponed and used the money for a house purchase instead. Their new plan was to marry abroad so as far as I could see it the venue was fair game. Then after we booked ours, I we were behaving outrageously even though they never mentioned anything when they knew we were considering it. I can see where you are coming from and how I'm possibly being viewed as unreasonable over that but the wedding has honestly been a complete nightmare. I have actually lost friends by considering another venue that I was unaware another friend wanted to use. We are on a right budget and unfortunately that largely dictated the places we could consider. Either way we were stepping on someone's toes but how far to you change your own day to please other people? I personally think its really unfair that people can call shotgun on a wedding venue without actually having something booked.

Her behaviour over the christening is not out of character even without this but I do believe it is her motivation at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 08:53

With regard to the timing, the christening is very early in the morning do would necessitate a rediculously early start and with me only having a couple of days after we come back from holiday to sort anything, I was hoping to use the morning of the party. I think the crossover guests still intend to come but it's going to be a full on day for everyone concerned when IMO she could quite easily have done it the month after and avoided all this. But the where's the fun in that for her?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 02/08/2012 08:56

OK, wedding makes more sense now! I do agree that you can't call shotgun on a venue - but at the same time, I would always explicitly check before using the same venue as a friend/family. Does sound like she'd 'given up' the venue entirely and just saw it as an opportunity for drama ;0)

Didn't mean to blame it on you... Just there's (sometimes) two sides. As I said before - she sounds crackers!
Your poor BIL!

MrsCarriePooter · 02/08/2012 09:00

She sounds not very nice at all the way you've described her. I'd be v tempted to tell her DP is honoured to be a godfather, but as she knows it's not a date he can do and he'll send a proxy. Then stand well back for the explosion.

Or can just he go (or even take any of your children who won't be too tired) whilst you stay at home and do party prep?

flyoverthehill · 02/08/2012 09:06

why not ask dp to go to the christening, then come straight home to help you (he could take your dc) and you can actually be god parent by proxy he doesn't physically need to be in the church.

MrsCarriePooter · 02/08/2012 09:07

flyoverthehill why, you're a genius! Grin

Sighingagain · 02/08/2012 09:11

Tbh if you know they had their heart set on a particular wedding venue and you didn't mind where - I think you Are both as bad as each other.

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 09:12

Thank cabrinha. I totally understand where you are coming from with the whole wedding saga and I feel I have tried to be as accommodating of other people as possible. I also realise there are 2 sides to every story and I'm sure if she was to come on here describing me, it might come across very differently.

The only thing I have in my defence is that the whole family know what she is like and this is only the latest in a long line of antics like this. She's just really difficult and likes to make everything about her if that makes sense. I like to think I am as considerate as possible of other peoples feelings and try to avoid intentionally upsetting people, particularly where the DCs are involved.

Carrie, I think we are just sending DP but I know I'm going to get a pasting for not coming to her event. She can't see past the end of her own nose so it will be me who is being unreasonable here. I like the suggestion of the proxy though! Ha. I gave a feeling it was BIL who wanted DP as we asked him to be our DCs godparent and SIL made it clear then that she wouldn't be returning the favour. I know she dislikes my DP so have a feeling BIL put his foot down with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 09:15

I knew they wanted that venue when her dad gave her a huge budget to play with but they bought a ridiculously big house with it instead, not that I'm arsed, they can do what they wish with their money. But without her fathers help, they didn't have the resources for a big wedding do we're going abroad instead. They're now doing what we're doing and using an off peak date to get a massive discount on their usually very expensive packages.

OP posts:
Fizzybee · 02/08/2012 09:17

But hang in the child being christened isn't yet born??!

Who arranges a christening and sends out includes when the baby's not yet arrived after checking that it clashes with a child's birthday party?

Yanbu

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 09:17

And by the by, their first wedding date was set for on DPs birthday, lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 09:19

Yes bee, baby was born Less than a fortnight ago. She planned SC1's christening over several months but this was all planned and booked while she was still oregnant, hence why I didn't see it coming.

OP posts:
nkf · 02/08/2012 09:19

Why can't two family members get married in the same place without drama? Totally confused on that point.

I think you just have to stick to your plans. Two days is enough time to plan and it sounds as if the two events can happen. Unecessary stress of course. Make sure you've got wine to open at the end of the day.

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 09:22

No, I personally don't get this whole not using the same venue thing. I've found out to my detriment that it does bother people a lot! But it seriously doesn't bother me. I am happy that they still feel they can use the venue. I have a feeling they will do it on my birthday the year after as it's a big birthday for me and they've already said they're planning it for my birthday month. She just enjoys being difficult. I can learn to live with it, it's just a pain in the arse for everyone else.

OP posts:
HoneyDragonSponseredByCocaCola · 02/08/2012 09:31

Yes, are people serious about the wedding venue thing? It's a local WEDDING venue that does WEDDINGS.

That's like saying to someone "Ooooooh I don't mind you seeing Batman in the same week as I am but you have to use a different Cinema" .

Some people are weird and very precious

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 09:37

Lol, honeydragon, I hear you! That's a whole other AIBU post! I have actually lost a friend by daring to go and view a venue I knew she wanted when her date had not been set let alone booked not to mention countless other dramas! The biggest dictating factor for us was price so we could quite easily cross 2 thirds of our local venues on the list just for this reason.

OP posts:
AKMD · 02/08/2012 09:52

SIL AND 3 close friends got married in the same church as me Angry Maybe I should have insisted on them using the ones in the neighbouring towns instead of using MY church. How dare they?

HoneyDragonSponseredByCocaCola · 02/08/2012 10:43

AKMD
The bastards Angry

Won't somebody think of the Brides?

ChaoticismyLife · 02/08/2012 11:07

YANBU your SIL sounds a nightmare.

oldraver · 02/08/2012 14:53

Did I get this right, she went and looked at the register at the play place to see if you had booked a party... and they let her see (though I realise if she is coniving she could weedle this out of them) and went ahead and booked Christening for an as yet unborn child ?

If this is the case I wouldn't be going, put all your energies into your DC's

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 02/08/2012 15:16

Yes, that's more or less what happened. She also knows the owner through my DP and her DC's birthday party is booked there for later in the year, but they said she had gone in and looked at that page. I was a bit surprised they let her too. She already knew the date anyway, I think they were double checking. Her baby has been born now but will be just a month old at the time if the christening.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 02/08/2012 15:19

Nobody has 'dibs' on any wedding venues/suppliers/dates/colours/whatever. If you live in the same area it's only natural you'd be looking at similar venues, and often budget dictates which venues you'd look at anyway which likely narrows the options further. I hate the whole wedding jealousy/competitiveness, it's so redundant.

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