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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be taking my baby to mother and baby groups?

61 replies

newmummytobe79 · 01/08/2012 08:23

I did in the first couple of months, but I guess baby was too young to know what was going on! I didn't really enjoy it ... and to be honest, I was just too knackered to be bothered chatting with the other competitive mums and would rather spend the time with family/friends.

Baby is now 10 months old and spends time with friends kids and young relatives every few weeks. My MIL (and her friend has said the same so I guess it's been discussed when I'm not there!) has mentioned toddler groups a few times to me know and I'm starting to wonder if I'm denying my baby playmates?

My baby is very sociable with adults, but admittedly does look at kids when we're in the supermarket etc and waves at them!

I'm planning on going to a baby music class in the next few weeks as my baby loves to dance. Is this going to be enough to stimulate or are those babies already in childcare/attending lots of classes going to be 'ahead' when it comes to pre-school time?

First time mum so really not sure what's best so any advice would be great thanks!

OP posts:
Pascha · 01/08/2012 09:13

My local group isn't organised really, its just a village hall with a baby corner, a load of toys spread out and a craft table for the older ones. Sometime in the middle snacks come out and the kids stuff their faces with grapes and cheese and crackers and we have a hot drink and cake. No activities as such, just a lot of small children letting off steam.

RedMolly · 01/08/2012 09:18

I'm a sahm and infinitely prefer the company of my ds than that of the harridans at my local m&b group. If you enjoy it and feel you need the company then great, but if you don't, especially when your dc is still too young to really interact with others, then don't bother - your child will not suffer. The younger ones really do play around each other rather than with each other. For me more structured activities are far better - your child will still get to see other children and you don't have to make meaningless small talk for hours. It really is an each to their own thing, so don't feel guilty if it isn't for you.

iknowwho · 01/08/2012 09:20

I tried to like them but hated every single second I was there and vowed never again!!!!

DS 16 and nearly 13 now so no harm done to them or me for not going.

Purpleprickles · 01/08/2012 09:21

I agree with other posters who say that social interaction with other children their own age is important. This doesn't have to be a toddler group, maybe the friends you mention all have do of a similar age. Yes children don't really play together with others until around 3yrs but they do need to learn how to play in the same space as others, to be around other children and to experience sharing, even if they can't/won't do it. Having taught pre-school Nursery for the last 3yrs it is very obvious which children have not had much social interaction with peers. Of course they settle but it takes them longer and they find it a bit harder.

Sarcalogos · 01/08/2012 09:29

But, crucially, does it effect them beyond early childhood?

if not, do whatever you like surely?

BaronessBomburst · 01/08/2012 09:37

It won't hold them back at all!

Baby groups don't even exist in Europe, apart from a few expat groups, so I couldn't even go to one if I'd wanted to. SIL seemed amazed that DS still learnt to count, sing songs, recognise colours etc. Don't know what she thought I did with him all day. Hmm

If you want to go, fine, but I think it's just a cultural thing moneyspinner.

Kayano · 01/08/2012 09:38

I went when dd was 2 weeks old, I've made so many friends and we've been for outings and meals together and took the dc to new places, I've met babies her age who will e going to the same school in the future and know a few of the mums, I've found a lovely mum and baby who live just round the corner from me

I love it, and now dd is getting bigger she loves all the new toys and the singing and play

Kayano · 01/08/2012 09:39

And it was free at the sure start center

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 01/08/2012 09:39

Yanbu. I was the same as you and my DDs have turned out fine...they are 8 and 4 and are both doing well. I hated these groups and only took my dds about once a month...I did that out of guilt!

FeakAndTheWeebleWorm · 01/08/2012 09:43

I felt enormous pressure to take DS to these things all the time I was on maternity leave but when I went back to work p/t, for some reason that stopped. He started nursery at 11mo so I suppose that took the pressure of the whole 'my baby needs to socialise' stuff.

I still get asked (particularly by SIL) whether I take him to groups/soft play areas but I've stopped caring about her response now. I told her the other day, 'No, I don't take him to , that's what he goes to nursery for' and she pulled this face Shock. Don't care. He's 16mo now and a very happy, sociable little chap. When I did take him to a couple of groups they bored the arse off me and the other mums were cliquey and unfriendly. If you don't want to go, don't.

Purpleprickles · 01/08/2012 09:44

Sarcalogos ime it depends very much on the child as to how much it affects their development. I just feel that I want to support my child as much as possible in growing up to be a well rounded individual and to me part of that means ensuring they are developing their social skills. As I said though this doesn't have to be through playgroups but they are often the easiest way to meet other parents and children.

Lottapianos · 01/08/2012 09:45

Privately run baby/toddler groups are all different but groups at your local Children's Centre have specific aims. The purpose of the groups is to give parents support and information about how to read your baby's cues and how to support your baby's communication development as they get older. We encourage parents of even the tiniest babies to attend - they will get loads out of it in the long term because parents who attend these groups and follow the strategies recommended tend to form really good communication habits from the very beginning.

And as Kayano said, you can meet some lovely fellow parents who can be a great support. And you can feel free to avoid the competitive ones!

noidontwant2hearaboutyourdream · 01/08/2012 09:47

You get out of baby groups what you put in. I couldn't afford to do NCT so going to baby groups was the best way of me and DD making friends plus we don't have family in the area. It slightly annoys me when people moan about the people who go to these groups. I would say most people don't like the endless boring baby themed small talk but once you get to know people you get past this stage. A lot of women act there above all that, but small talk is a natural part of getting to know people. The main benefit of these groups is friends for the parent but when my DD gets older it will be useful for her to have playmates. Give the groups a go and be positive!

hels71 · 01/08/2012 09:48

I was assured I had to take DD to these dreadful places or she would suffer. I took her about three times then never again. We met up with 2 or 3 friends with similar aged children once a week and did sing and sign until she was two. When she started pre school she had no problems at all mixing with other children and clearly had not been disadvantaged by not going to toddler groups. As long as your LO has chances to mix with other children somewhere...and friends/family are fine then I suspect they will be ok!

thebody · 01/08/2012 09:53

Lol at ops comment about children 'being ahead' , no worries op we all worry with first baby. He and you sound great btw.

Do what suits you, baby will be fine, tbh lots if bad havits are picked up at toddler groups so I stopped going.

My 4 turned out fine.

FartyMcTarty · 01/08/2012 10:24

You all need to find better groups! There are no traditional playgroups around here, so we rely on a church toddler group and have just rediscovered Sure Start (stay and play). The church group is staffed by lovely volunteers, has a.variety of good quality toys and there's also a quiet area run by a Montessori trained volunteer who does motor skills development activities such as spooning rice, pouring and drawing shapes in a tray of sand. I love it and it only costs £1.50. I had to look for it though - it's not advertised, perhaps because it's so popular. I just noticed a display board at DDs music group and found out from there. We'd been going to a much smaller group for a while before, and frankly it was dull.

As it doesn't run during the school holidays I've been using Sure Start again, and find the activities, resources and the staff in particular second to none. There's often a specialist in some aspect of child development around, and they provide free healthy snacks which is particularly important to me - DD is reluctant to eat fruit so I want her to be influenced by other kids.

I know what you're saying about not enjoying them yourself though. I felt particularly sensitive to being ignored by cliquey mums when DD was very young, and stopped going to one group. I did find a better one though. I've also made a conscious effort to keep in touch with some of the mums I did get to know, and can suggest to them that they cone along to the church group, which I found cliquey when I went on my own.

Most importantly, DD (2.5) really enjoys all this and calls it nursery. She's just getting to the stage where she's starting to socialise more, but I'd say she's been benefiting from the change in environment and range of activities for much longer than that.

AThingInYourLife · 01/08/2012 10:28

iknow

Maybe time to give it another go?

For some reason I have an image of you walking in with two teenagers looking mightily unimpressed. :o

AThingInYourLife · 01/08/2012 10:31

Yes, agree with Farty about finding better groups.

All the ones I go to are church groups (no SureStart locally) but they are great.

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 01/08/2012 10:38

I went to a few baby groups - pretty much hated every second of it. Once babies got older I returned to work and our child minder took the DC to them. The DC did love them, have lots of fun and benefit from them, but I am very relieved I didn't have to do it.

I got a little better mingling with parents etc when DD1 was a nursery. She's starting school in Sept - so it's going to get more full on isn't it????

OP do what suits you.

YouOldSlag · 01/08/2012 10:45

YANBU. I tried a few and hated them with a passion. If you try a few and find one you like then great, but if not, don't worry.

My DS1 went a nursery when he was 2.9 where I left him for a few hours twice a week. This covered the mingling with other children bit.

Like a previous poster said, they tend to play alongside rather than with each other before the age of two so I don't think your DC will miss out.

There's no law to say you have to go and DS2 never went to one. I leave him at a play group for two hours a few times a week as I did with DS1 and he mingles fine. The bonus is I don't have to stay and make smalltalk with strangers whilst feeling like the new girl at school.

They have both turned out fine and neither are withdrawn or anti social or shy, so don't worry!

porcamiseria · 01/08/2012 13:51

toddler groups can be HELL ON EARTH

i know local MUms who do park instead, sop much do they hate them

maybe find 1 activity, and grit teeth

hackmum · 01/08/2012 14:40

I'm told by those in the know that this is a first child problem. By the time you get to number 4, you don't give a toss any more.

MummytoKatie · 01/08/2012 15:30

I think they are more for my benefit than for dd's anyway.

At 2 she is starting to enjoy the other toys but as she is ridiculously spoilt very lucky with generous family members she has so many toys at home she doesn't't really need to go.

I work part time though so she gets 3 days a week socialising anyway.

stuffthenonsense · 01/08/2012 15:30

I disagree. I'm on no 5 and would rather spoon my brains out through my eye sockets than even think about going to one.

holyfishnets · 01/08/2012 15:44

Toddler groups can be quite nice if you go with a friend and are happy to chat to folk.