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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ridiculously overcautios to ask ex-H to take stairgate on holiday?

44 replies

makedoandmend · 31/07/2012 12:00

Ex-H is taking our three and a half year old dd to his girlfriend's parents for a few days soon. It's the longest I've been away from dd (and the longest he's looked after her) so I'm nervous anyway I admit. But I'm trying to be accepting and take a step back. Ex-H and I try and maintain a good relationship (he looks after dd twice a week and has a great relationship with her) but on safety issues we often disagree.
DD has hypermobility (she's very flexible) so is slightly more clumsy than other kids her age (she didn't walk until 2y4m but has come on amazingly and is almost up with kids her own age). I see her in relation to other kids a lot so can spot she is slightly behind and a bit more unsure on the stairs etc. But I really try and encourage her to push her limits constantly with climbing frames etc (as does Ex-H).
I have to say even if she didn't have hypermobility I'd still be slightly more cautious when taking her to stay in a completely stranger's house. So I want Ex-H to take the stairgate (she has one on her room here) just to make sure she doesn't go wandering from the room she sleeps in there. It's not only stairs, it's the fact it's a strange house, which I'm sure is lovely, but could be a playground for a small child. Ex-H says that I'm being overcautious and controlling and there's no need - she doesn't wander in the night at either mine or his so there's no need to think she will there. He thinks no other parents would take such a precaution for a child this age on holiday. I think it's a risk not worth taking for the sake of two seconds to fix a portable stairgate. It's the one request I've made about the trip (oh actually I've said that I don't think she should be in a room on her own at this age in a strange house but that's more about her being scared- so that's two requests I guess).
So...AIBU?

I will be showing him this thread by the way.

OP posts:
berra · 31/07/2012 12:03

Hey, I get your concerns but I do think you're being over cautious asking for him to take a stair gate sorry!

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2012 12:04

Definitely too over cautious I think

Sirzy · 31/07/2012 12:05

If you still use a stairgate at home then I would when away, but I don't see a problem with her being in a room on her own.

Proudnscary · 31/07/2012 12:06

Because of your daughter's hypermobility YANBU - but otherwise I'd say it is extremely overprotective of a 3.5 year old, yes.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 31/07/2012 12:06

I think it's a good idea - if she does wake in the night and get confused about the different layout of the house, she could easily make a wrong turning in the dark and fall. Like you say, it takes seconds to fit it, and would give everyone peace of mind. It hurts no-one to do it, I don't see why he's being so awkward unless it's just one more little way to have a dig at you and "assert his authority" somehow Confused and quite why anyone would use their child's safety to do that is beyond me.

Mrsjay · 31/07/2012 12:07

I do think at almost 4 you are being slightly over cautious about this but if it will make you feel more comfortable then ask him to take it over the bedroom door at 3 is a bit much imo but you know your little girl better than we do Smile

cestlavielife · 31/07/2012 12:09

has she fallen down stairs at your place? is she known for wandering?
i think you over cautious.
my dd was same walked after two hypermobile but was very cautious and would not take risks even at young age. so was v unlikely to fall down stairs .

valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 12:09

No not at that age. She's almost up to her peers' age and is only slightly clumsy. At her age you need to minimise risks but you need to let her speed her wings a bit.

HighJumpingHissy · 31/07/2012 12:11

I'd say let him decide, if there are any issues with her wandering, he can pop along to Argos and pick up a stairgate.

She will also be FINE in a room on her own. Where would you suggest she sleep? In with ExH and his GF? NOT likely, and not ideal for anyone.

If he calmly explains to her where he is at night, and shows her, where the bathroom is etc and to tell her not to use the stairs without an adult watching her, she will be fine, she is old enough to comprehend all of that.

He has to learn to be an equal parent. He has to be able to manage risk.

3duracellbunnies · 31/07/2012 12:25

We abandoned our stairgates when they were 2. It does to an extent depend on the layout of the house and whether there will be any light. My parents have a very steep staircase with no corners which is just round a corner, so we are more cautious there, putting ds in the far room so if he did get to the stairs he would be less sleepy. He also doesn't need to use stairs to get to the bathroom in the night, and we leave the bathroom light on for some light in the upstairs.

As long as the stairs aren't massively tricky in themselves and if there is some light and she is sharing with someone I don't see a need for the stair gate. It must be hard for you letting go and her meeting gf family, plan a nice break/ chill out time for yourself too.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/07/2012 12:31

I think at three and a half you are being over cautious about the stairgate, but I would want her to be sleeping in a room with an adult as its a new and unfamiliar place.

Could you compromise on agreeing to a light being left on in the hall so that she is unlikely to need to go near the stairs if she is trying to find the toilet or whatever?

catus · 31/07/2012 12:36

You sound a very caring and loving parent, but I think YABU. Sorry, because you really do sound lovely.

Original poster
makedoandmend · 31/07/2012 12:44

Thanks to all the replies so far. Looks like you think I am being overcautious. It's tricky.
I'm surprised at the sleeping on her own thing - I guess I'm going from a disastrous visit last year to my sisters where she went from an extremely happy/always settled herself in her own room child at night to terrified hysteria until she fell asleep. It completely took me by surprise as she's always been so settled and chilled.

I wonder how any of you manage staying in strange houses with this age? If it were me I'd probably just automatically spot potential dangers (dd is a bit of a nightmare for putting things in her mouth despite hundreds of explanations/telling off etc) in an 'eyes in the back of your head' way - but Ex-H can be a bit oblivious.

I do try and be hands off as much as possible when she's with Ex-H - so I don't want to interfere.

OP posts:
DontEatTheVolesKids · 31/07/2012 12:51

Stairgates were removed in our house between 18m & 2.5yo, even for accident-prone clumsy DS2. So yes I think you probably need to let go a bit.
It is good for her to deal with new situations, whatever your ex-H does to cope and that she has to do to cope in return.

staranise · 31/07/2012 12:52

Unless the stairs are ridiculously steep and exposed and your daughter wanders, I really would back off.

My sonis the same age and we haven't used a stairgate for over a year - except at my cousin's house where the stairs are wooden and veryvery steep. DC3 has to pass the top of those stairs (in a very narrow hallway) to get to our bedroom and, as he often wanders in the night to our bedroom, we usually block off the stairs.

If your ex-DH is happy with the arrangement, I think you have to trust him.

Original poster
makedoandmend · 31/07/2012 12:56

Thank you catus Grin

Thanks to everyone for being honest (and very gentle!)
The hardest bloody thing about single parenthood I find is trying to figure out whether the decisions you're making are right and fair.
The cat is useless in these situations.

OP posts:
hellymelly · 31/07/2012 12:58

Well I think strange houses can cause problems. My dds fall often on MIL's stairs as they are sharp, slippery, they are over-excited so not taking care, and we aren't often there overnight so they aren't used to the stairs. Three and a bit is still small, and so I understand why you are concerned. If she was in with her Dad, then the stairgate wouldn't be an issue would it? Or could he take a monitor and tell her to call to him if she wakes up? He might accept that better than a stairgate maybe?

Original poster
makedoandmend · 31/07/2012 13:05

hellymelly - thanks - I am wondering whether to suggest a compromise of either her own room or the stairgate - but it looks like that appears to be overcautious too maybe?

Maybe just a monitor will be enough

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 13:08

No need for a monitor either - she is 3, she can call for her dad if she needs him

valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 13:08

Unless they are staying in a massive house with 6ft thick walls!

honeytea · 31/07/2012 13:10

I think that she is a little too old for a gate but only you can judge that, also I don't see the harm in putting the gate up, it isn't going to be detrimental to her so I'd send him with the gate.

:)

hellymelly · 31/07/2012 13:11

I was thinking that her Dad may be downstairs eating etc, while she is asleep. (and also houses do vary in terms of how easy it is to hear a child calling, and some people sleep very heavily. My own Dad would sleep through a baby wailing at full volume, even if my mum held it to his ear!!).

lambethlil · 31/07/2012 13:14

I never used a monitor or a stair gate (lived in flats) and don't see the need for them most of the time.

But in this case- sending your DC somewhere unknown, where you won't be there to make the call, I think it's sensible.

valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 13:15

If she needs her dad she can call out or get up and find him, he can leave a stair light on. She has no history of falling down the stairs, it's not like she has brittle bone disease. I think a wee bit of perspective is needed Wink

valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 13:16

I also think that you need to hand over control to your ex and let him assess the risks - he is her dad, he won't want her to come to any harm. will he?