Is it ridiculously overcautios to ask ex-H to take stairgate on holiday?

[makedoandmend]

Ex-H is taking our three and a half year old dd to his girlfriend's parents for a few days soon. It's the longest I've been away from dd (and the longest he's looked after her) so I'm nervous anyway I admit. But I'm trying to be accepting and take a step back. Ex-H and I try and maintain a good relationship (he looks after dd twice a week and has a great relationship with her) but on safety issues we often disagree.
DD has hypermobility (she's very flexible) so is slightly more clumsy than other kids her age (she didn't walk until 2y4m but has come on amazingly and is almost up with kids her own age). I see her in relation to other kids a lot so can spot she is slightly behind and a bit more unsure on the stairs etc. But I really try and encourage her to push her limits constantly with climbing frames etc (as does Ex-H).
I have to say even if she didn't have hypermobility I'd still be slightly more cautious when taking her to stay in a completely stranger's house. So I want Ex-H to take the stairgate (she has one on her room here) just to make sure she doesn't go wandering from the room she sleeps in there. It's not only stairs, it's the fact it's a strange house, which I'm sure is lovely, but could be a playground for a small child. Ex-H says that I'm being overcautious and controlling and there's no need - she doesn't wander in the night at either mine or his so there's no need to think she will there. He thinks no other parents would take such a precaution for a child this age on holiday. I think it's a risk not worth taking for the sake of two seconds to fix a portable stairgate. It's the one request I've made about the trip (oh actually I've said that I don't think she should be in a room on her own at this age in a strange house but that's more about her being scared- so that's two requests I guess).
So...AIBU?

I will be showing him this thread by the way.

You're right valiumredhead (fellow redhead here - could do with the valium) he won't want her to come to harm. I guess I just remember when she was tiny and he'd be marching down the road with her without winter clothes on her in January because I was [shoutyman] taking too long!.
Eighteen months of having to do it on his own a couple of days a week and he's a different dad now though, but he does have the tendency to slighly go for the easy route. And he's a hope over experience sort of person - nothing bad will ever happen so there's no need to worry about anything ever. So I guess I end up worrying for both - which probably pushes him further into this stance.
If relationships are tricky when you're in one - raising a child outside of it is a bloody nightmare!

I also think that anything that helps you not to worry about her too much, and doesn't really make much difference to her at all, is a good thing. We took a monitor away with us when my eldest was 3, (smaller was 1, but I might have taken one anyway) as then we could be downstairs chatting to friends etc, but I could go to DDs quickly if one felt ill or had a nightmare etc. I don't think its a big deal at all, if it helps you relax a bit as a parent.

But ex has already said no and he doesn't want to take it and the OP needs to hand over control to him a bit more.

Overly cautious

still have gates for 3.5 year old, too small to reach the (high) handrail properly!

We've been caught out on holiday with unexpectedly steep/close to bedroom door stairs. We used the suitcase across the top of the stairs to give the DCs pause for thought before hurtling down the stairs. We also rehearsed where they needed to go from their room to our room, so they could find us without wandering around in a semi-sleepy state. At 3yo they were pretty good at listening and understanding what they were being told.

YANBU. Better safe than sorry.

PS - recently when on hols we stayed on one level, but if there had been stairs I might have taken travel gate with us. Actually, I would have brought it.

Hallway light on, maybe?

I wouldn't want to use a stairgate in a house the kids didn't know because I'd like them to be able to find me if they were scared or worried.

I understand your reasoning, but I'm afraid that I do think you're being extremely overprotective - and actually, a little controlling...sorry. I think the only thing I might suggest your ex takes with them, is one or two of those plug in night light things.

My parents use them for when my dcs (when they were younger) and their cousins stay at their home. One in the room with them, and one in the hall to light the way to bathroom or parents.
But really, he's her dad - he will look after her...maybe not in exactly the same way you would, but that doesn't mean its wrong, just different.

2blessed - I wonder how you mean I'm being controlling (I'm not being defensive just curious). I can understand if I'd said 'do this or else' that would be me seeking to control a situation. But what I said was 'please do this I think it makes sense in the circumstances' but wouldn't seek any further measures if he still said no. I'll probably just worry more!
I completely understand that we approach parenting differently - and it can be difficult for both of us to watch the other from afar. Probably more difficult for me as it's still 'new' to him (he'd only do the 'fun' stuff when we were together so it's been a steep learning curve for him) and I've had to let go and realise dd has a life that I know little of when she's with her dad.
Also - when we were together he would relinquish stuff to me - so when she had temps of 103/104 (she has fantastically high temps sometimes which I'm now slowly getting used to) - he'd just say he wasn't feeling well and would leave me to it (happened twice - one viral fever, one bacterial) and then called me a bitch for getting him up to help with giving her Calpol (I had a bad back and couldn't really lift her out the cotbed at the time). It's difficult to separate this dad from the dad he is now.
I'm curious as to what you think. Popping to shop now but will check back in later

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable.

My DD is 3.8 and she too is hypermobile. We have a gate at the top of the stairs still, no others, but the one at the top of the stairs won't be coming down anytime soon. DD is so clumsy and an accident on the stairs is one that I'm just not prepared to risk. She doesn't have a gate on her bedroom, but when it comes down to it a gate on the stairs is not going to have any adverse effects on anybody, so I leave it there because it's worth the peace of mind for me.

So, imo YANBU, but I am rather precious.

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. It is normal to worry when your (still very small) is going to be away from you for a while, and if your DH wasn't a hands on Dad before, then that will understandable make you more anxious. My MIL brought up two children, but I wouldn't let her have my dds alone because I know she wouldn't give much attention to safety things, and she wouldn't be watching the dds much. It is reasonable to want to make sure your DH is aware of things that might be a problem and I don't think that is controlling, I think its mothering.

I have been mulling this over a bit more.

FWIW I don't think you are being controlling, other than in the way parents do generally control. I have a (now older) hyper mobile child with balance issues. I was/am very careful and would still flag these on consent forms etc.

I know some of my anxieties have passed to my younger child who is not hypermobile, but the fact is she can't reach the handrail so stair gates remain (we have had them for years now!)

I know this isn't helping you find a solution but just to let you know I think I know how you feel.

If it will set your mind at rest then ask him to take the stairgate. It's not a request that is going to cause very much inconvenience for anybody. I understand because if you're worried you're worried and no amount of reasoning will change it.

Does your Ex know the layout of his GF parent's house?

If not, suggest he take the stairgate, just in case, if he does know the layout and is happy with everything, you are not really in any position to insist. He HAS to take responsibility for that. I would suggest a hall light to be left on too. as in, "we had problems at my sister's house, she may need a hall light left on". Then leave it at that.

You can't insist on an adult sleeping with her, that is not your call.

IF she goes and screams the house down, that will be what her father has to deal with. It's HIS watch. TELLING him he has to share a room with her in his GF's parent's house is way beyond your remit here. Does your ExH tell YOU how to parent his DD? Did HE have any helpful hints for you at your sister's house?

Even if you DID attempt to put your foot down, he can completely disregard your instructions. You'll probably never know. By insisting on this, you will come across as overbearing, over protective and frankly a bit of a loon. Sorry, but you will.

If your DD finds it hard to be in a strange house with her dad, her dad can deal with it. If that means she ends up sleeping in with him, (and probably his GF), then so be it. Or are you suggesting this to try to STOP your ExH sleeping in with his GF??? cos that will be how it'll come across.

...The other option of course is that she sleep in with the GF parents, would that be acceptable to you?

This is his call, i sympathise with you, I really do. I'm lucky in that my Ex is out of the country and we have NO danger of having to see him for at least another YEAR or so, but if your current shoe were on my foot, I'd struggle.

I think you need to let him decide and not try to control him.

At most, you can ask if he wants the stairgate along with all her other stuff.

I don't think the OP is being controlling, just because they aren't together does it mean he shouldn't respect her wishes to an extent? Like they were married once, so presumably it's not unreasonable for him to still want OP to be comfortable and not worried with regards to their DD? I mean, if DH and I split up, I would still take his wishes into account if it was concern for DD's welfare, even if I didn't personally see it. It's not like she is asking for anything other than a safety measure which would give her peace of mind while they are away. It's not really a lot to ask.