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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to rhink my cousins announcement that she's.coming to stay with us for a week unreasonable?

45 replies

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 20:48

I have 3 children. 11, 9 and 9 months. My cousin is in her early sixties, but a very youthful childless (and happy with it, she's having a.wonderful life and ran her own successful.business for decades) 60 something. She lives in Canada. She came to visit about 4 years ago, stayed for a week and it was very hard work. She's really not interested in children and wanted to go off into London, which we did. At great expense. She seemed bored and slightly irritated with my children. I arranged time off work to stay home and be host for a few days. The girls were at school,.so daytime was more relaxing. She didn't have much patience for the children and didn't interract with them. Roll the clock forward to yesterday, and out of the blue she's emailed me to say shes coming to the.UK in the middle of August.and wants to spend a week with us. Short notice or what? I'm probably an awful bitch, but it's stressful enough entertaining 3 kids over summer. How do I tell her no?

OP posts:
olimpia · 30/07/2012 20:50

Can you say you've already booked a holiday?

olimpia · 30/07/2012 20:51

Is she on your side of the family or your OH's? Is she likely to find out if you make something up?

DontmindifIdo · 30/07/2012 20:52

Will you be at home? How about "That would be lovely, but as DC3 is only 9 months, we won't be able to do days out that aren't local, and the older children are at home for the holidays so I won't have much free time to entertain in the day. If you want to do days out we're happy for you to use our house as a base to explore, but I don't think we'll be able to join in."

expatinscotland · 30/07/2012 20:53

Tell her you're already booked to go out of town. MEAN IT.

Original poster
lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 20:56

she'd find out if I said we were on holiday. To be honest I don't even want her to use it as a base. It means one of our older children has to sleep in our room for 7 days and it will be painful.her being here in the summer holidays with my 3 children, who seriously.cramp her.style. (thats why shes had none of her own)

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingDistraction · 30/07/2012 20:57

Isn't that the week you've booked to go away? What a shame you'll miss her visit.

Or perhaps you've volunteered to look after your 11 and 9 year olds friends that week to help out their mum who is booked in for a C-section / minor op / has to work full time that week and their dad is away? As you're sure Aunt wants a relaxing holiday, your house full of 3 of your children plus 2 / 3 of someone else's won't be the kind of environment conducive to a nice holiday.

Or tell her how fantastic, you / DH have been invited to a child-free wedding in an exotic location that week so it'd be great for her to stay at your house and look after the children so you and DH can have a child-free week in the sun.

Or be honest and tell her it is simply not convenient, no space now you have 9 month old and neither the budget or inclination to traipse three children plus Aunt round the sights of London again.

oldraver · 30/07/2012 20:58

Email and tell how lovely it would be for her to come as you were short of childcare........see how fast she changes her mind.

She obviously must have other places to stay other mugs lined up so will probably cancel coming to you

olimpia · 30/07/2012 21:00

How would she find out if she lives in Canada?
Tell her you're doing home improvements that week (new bathroom suite for example) so it would be impossible to have her stay

HecateHarshPants · 30/07/2012 21:02

Be assertive. You don't HAVE to agree. Just say no and give her links to some B&Bs.

"That's great. It will be lovely to see you. There are some lovely b&bs nearby, and we'll be able to spend lots of time together while you're here..."

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/07/2012 21:02

$ years ago your children were 7 and 5 ..... a vast difference to 11 and 9

ImperialBlether · 30/07/2012 21:03

Say,

"Dear cousin

How lovely you want to visit us - when you left last time you looked as though you needed another holiday!

The children are really looking forward to you visiting. They're so much bigger now - it's lovely as it means they get to stay up as late as us. They're really looking forward to us all going out.

You'll have to share a room with X (noisiest child.) That's OK isn't it? He usually sleeps till 6 am so it's not too bad. He's already making jokes about the tricks he can play on you. I've had to warn him off the one about waking you up with a jug of water, though!

Husband and I were planning on going out for X on the Wednesday - would you be able to babysit? It's so nice to have a babysitter at last. We rarely get to go out because most babysitters can't handle three children, but you know them so you'll be fine.

Can't wait to see you - write back and confirm dates,

OP xx"

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/07/2012 21:04

I think it would be mean of you to not let her stay at all. I wouldn't do it, but I would expect to be able to drop in on any of my family members at any given time and be welcome, as they would be with me.

I think you just need to set strict ground rules. You can get the kids onside now that they are older. Let her use it as a base and make it clear that you aren't going to be 'entertaining' her.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/07/2012 21:05

Actually, scrap my post, do what Imperial says.

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/07/2012 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 30/07/2012 21:06

I'd say no then. Sorry, but I can't be arsed with 'guests' who invite themselves, don't ask, spring it on you and are hard work. You now have a baby, too.

Original poster
lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 21:06

Yes, the girls are older. But I don't especially want to fuck about with a week of their summer holiday to accomodate her. I might be more amenable to the idea if she liked children. But she doesn't. And whilst my older two are indeed older, I didn't have a baby on her last visit. I do now.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnOlympicWolefGenius · 30/07/2012 21:10

Just say "I'm sorry, that will not be possible".

Original poster
lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 21:11

Olympic Wolfe, that would work if I was an assertive person. But I'm a wimp.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/07/2012 21:13

I think the easiest way out would say you've got plans for that week. Make sure though she doesn't say she'll join in! Grin at Imperial!!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 30/07/2012 21:15

Dont do it. If she does stay then she can have a blow up mattress in the living room.

Why should your children be booted out of their rooms to accommodate someone who doesn't even like them.

Original poster
lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 21:16

I love imperials post!!!!

OP posts:
tryingtonotfeckup · 30/07/2012 21:18

How about saying it would be lovely, your DDs are especially looking forward to seeing her and getting to know her, possibly with a few trips out together when you are here. In the future, she'll have no idea how old they are, could she return the favour and look after your DDs when they come over to Canada. They have always wanted to visit and having a close relative there will provide a safe and welcoming base from which to explore.

BigBandwitch · 30/07/2012 21:25

I'd give her sugar coated honesty, email her back and say you still have children! ha ha.

I remember my mum's aunt used to visit us and if we even tried to speak to our mum while she was there she'd shhshshsh us and say 'im speaking to your mother'. and unlike kids today, mine included, we were really good!

Original poster
lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 21:28

Bigbandwitch, thats what it's like and I hate it. I'm always treading on eggshells, trying to keep her happy, and keep the kids out of her hair.

OP posts:
Cloudbase · 30/07/2012 21:30

If you are worried about causing family issues/upsetting her/don't really want to say no, can you combine the above and go with Hecate's suggestion?

Something like this perhaps?

'Dear Cousin,

How wonderful that you are coming to the UK in August and it will be lovely to see you and spend some time with you.

Unfortunately, now that we have a new baby we won't have the extra space to put you up with us.

I'm attaching a list of B&B's and Hotels in the area that you may want to look at? Now that the girls are older they will be in and out with friends, and tend to be up later in the evening as well. In addition, little baby Lowfat is teething and still waking frequently through the night, so you can imagine that it's pretty noisy during the night!

I think it will be much nicer for you to have a nice, cosy (and quiet!) bolthole round the corner from us that you can escape to whenever you want to.

Obviously we can still meet up throughout the week, but it might be better for you not to have to work to our rather chaotic schedule and have to fit your plans/meals etc around the baby and the girls.

Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you find a nice hotel to stay in, and of course, dates etc.

Looking forward to meeting up with you soon! etc etc...'

That way, you are helpful and pleased that she is coming, while making it crystal clear that she will be staying elsewhere.

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