Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to rhink my cousins announcement that she's.coming to stay with us for a week unreasonable?

45 replies

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 20:48

I have 3 children. 11, 9 and 9 months. My cousin is in her early sixties, but a very youthful childless (and happy with it, she's having a.wonderful life and ran her own successful.business for decades) 60 something. She lives in Canada. She came to visit about 4 years ago, stayed for a week and it was very hard work. She's really not interested in children and wanted to go off into London, which we did. At great expense. She seemed bored and slightly irritated with my children. I arranged time off work to stay home and be host for a few days. The girls were at school,.so daytime was more relaxing. She didn't have much patience for the children and didn't interract with them. Roll the clock forward to yesterday, and out of the blue she's emailed me to say shes coming to the.UK in the middle of August.and wants to spend a week with us. Short notice or what? I'm probably an awful bitch, but it's stressful enough entertaining 3 kids over summer. How do I tell her no?

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2012 21:35

Email her and say that whilst you'd love to see her, your baby and children need your full attention at the moment, including in the night, and it won't be much fun for any of you if she comes for a full week. You won't be able to do much beyond your normal routine and you can't afford day trips out. So whilst she is very welcome to stay for a couple of nights, you really feel she would be more comfortable at a B&B. A longer stay is something for the future.

DontmindifIdo · 30/07/2012 21:35

I don't think you should lie that you are away that week, because all that will happen is that she changes her dates and you'll have to make another excuse. I think Cloudbase's answer is good - make it clear that with 3 DCs you don't have space and your house is noisy. She might not have thought about it. Perhaps compromise and invite her for a weekend?

dwpanxt · 30/07/2012 21:36

Oh yes - send something on the lines of Imperials post . Make it as relevant to your situation without overegging it.

I agree that your DCs should not have their summer taken over by a child ignorer (better than hater ).

Cant see why you shouldn't just state the situation as it is. It isnt fair on anyone to try to pretend that you are all a lovely extended family when you are not. You are simply accommodation for her to use. She should be made aware of the situation she is about to place herself in.

MacMac123 · 30/07/2012 21:37

Say no. You have a baby and it's the summer holidays. Just say its impossible/no space now. Offer her a night or two but that's it.
I recently had my American cousin to stay for 3 nights. I have a 3 year old , work fill time and a sort of spare room off the living room through which is the shower we all use every day. Also had men in at 8am every day landscaping the garden - also accessed through that 'spare' room (ok corridor!)
Anyway, it was a total pain having her in that room, wanting to lie in whilst my 3 year old was having to be quiet watching TV, I wanted to use the shower and the landscapers wanted to bring ladders through to the garden. It's just not possible to have people land themselves on u in that way ( which is also what my cousin did to me) when it's a family home with limited space.
Next time I will defintely be capping my cousin at a night or two and think you should do the same!

diddl · 30/07/2012 21:39

"That doesn´t work"

Could you suggest another relative to her?

Original poster

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 21:41

suggesting a long weekend might be an idea, yes. She just got my back up straightaway by saying ' I'm coming on ...date and want to stay a week.' I'd have appreciated more than 3 weeks notice in the fucking summer holidays when I'm always busy busy busy!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 30/07/2012 21:47

Depends - can you envisage, at any time in the future, that either you, or even any of your dc (once into their globetrotting days) will want to go to Canada ?
I know if I had a friend of relative that lived in such a lovely part of the world, I'd be treating them how I'd like to be treated when I plan to go over there in a few years time.
Fair enough to point out that now you have a baby, you won't be able to leave her to spend time with your cousin, but to say no to accomodating her seems a bit mean.

Original poster

lowfatiscrap12 · 30/07/2012 22:04

No, I wont be visiting her in Canada again anytime soon. Went over there 15 years ago, in my pre kid days, and she made it so clear that staying at hers would be unsuitable and that we'd be more comfortable in a hotel, that we did end up in a.hotel.

OP posts:

MacMac123 · 30/07/2012 22:06

Well don't worry at all then! Tell her to stay in a hotel locally!

BackforGood · 30/07/2012 22:10

Ah, well, you have no reason to feel bad about giving her the same response then!

MammaTJ · 30/07/2012 22:14

That she is very welcome but you are busy entertaining DCs and she is welcome to join you or welcome to do her own thing. Emphasis on the Welcome, clearly!!

WheelieBinRebel · 30/07/2012 22:14

As others have said I would just politely point out that your circumstances have changed since her last visit and offer help in finding a suitable hotel / b&b. Can't say fairer than that.

Floggingmolly · 30/07/2012 22:14

Tell her the time doesn't suit. I'd say that to anyone who announced, rather than requested, an imminent holiday in my house.

WheelieBinRebel · 30/07/2012 22:17

And I think she has a damn cheek inviting herself to stay when she made it clear that you and DH were not welcome to stay with her. I would not feel in the slightest bit guilty about turning her down. She sounds unbelievably selfish!

expatinscotland · 30/07/2012 22:23

Then I don't get why you're wimpy with her. She sounds like a bitch. I'd go with TheProvincialLadyMon 30-Jul-12 21:35:11 post then.

lovebunny · 30/07/2012 22:38

'dear cousin
delighted to hear you are coming to the uk. sorry we won't be able to offer accommodation this time - august is the school holiday month and of course, i have a nine month old baby so my time is fully occupied. do let us know when you will be free for lunch, i make a decent sandwich and the children will be interested to see you again and tell you all about their activities.
lots of love
lowfatiscrap12

girlywhirly · 31/07/2012 11:54

What cloudbase said. Emphasise that you will be busy and that she will not be able to stay with you, nor will you have the time to entertain her on trips out now you have a baby.

My opinion is that she sees you on your terms or not at all, especially as she is rude enough to expect you to accommodate her and entertain her, while showing no interest in your family. Don't be a free hotel for her.

ImperialBlether · 31/07/2012 11:56

The only reason you should have her is if, when you visited Canada, she was incredibly hospitable. She wasn't. Tell her she wouldn't be comfortable in your house as it's holiday time and your children are home and their friends are often round for the day. Tell her she would be much happier in a hotel.

TheHappyHissy · 31/07/2012 11:59

What cloudbase and IB said. totally!

SuePurblybilt · 31/07/2012 12:02

Tell her you have people staying - friends of the DCs on booked sleepovers and so sadly have no room that week.
Plenty of time in the day should she want to book a B&B (she won't)

Flip

1 2