following on from 'loud parentig' Overpraising AIBU to find this grating ..

[carycach]

'gooood waiting', 'goood standing' 'good lying down' adressed to little Tarquin so he doesn't experience any interruption to a non-stop stream of praise.

Mavis. What about if the child can't understand that lengthy explanation?

Dozyduck - simplify it, eg, 'Remember? We don't grab' - and demonstrating what we do do. No need to teach children to name-call or speak disrespectfully. They understand a huge amount, they're not stupid just because they can't talk well. Most of all they pick up our frustration/anger/embarrassment/irritation - and it damages their self esteem (if repeated often enough).

That's why I don't mind the overpraising, it's patronising, distancing (as in the relationship between parent and child, opposite of genuinely connecting) and it does little to show a child how humans communicate and connect with each other, but it isn't horrible or unkind.

DS still wouldn't understand 'remember? We don't grab. '

He can talk, through echolalia phrases. But doesn't understand language at all.

Some children who can't speak have a lot of understanding. Some children don't have any understanding of the spoken language, some have a bit.

I use praise a lot as DS does not understand the difference between positive and negative attention.

I just say 'good x' a lot with a lot of over exaggerated voice and lots of attention.

If he's doing the wrong thing I say 'no x' then remove him from the situation into a time out and ignore him.

He probably doesn't understand the language still but I'm hoping he will get a grasp eventually. But he understands attention.

The OP doesn't know how much a child can understand by looking at them or even listening to them. Like I say DS has words, he just doesn't have a clue what they mean yet. therefore she is BU to judge.

Mavis I think I read your message wrong yeah I should learn not to try and read while sleep deprived and feeling emotional. I agree with your first message.

I'm just feeling a bit fragile thinking that the only thing I can do to stop DS's bad behaviour in public (praising for existence) is going to be judged by someone too. So I am going to be deemed a rubbish parent whatever I do

I've praised for good pooing. When we were potty training him, DS went through a stage of clenching and holding it in until he was in pain and often constipated, so the health visiter advised a lot of "what a lovely big poo!" comments so he would feel encouraged to do them. She said they can feel shy about it being 'on show' in a potty or toilet rather than hidden in a nappy.

It did work very well, to the point that one day when I was shopping with him and I had to go to a public toilet and had no choice but to take him into the cubicle with me he announced, very loudly, "well done mum, that poo is very big!"

Children respond better to positive statements. If you say "We don't grab" to a two year old with limited speech she will remember the last word of the sentence ie. "grab" (!).

It is better to say "We walk on the pavement" rather than "don't run in the road". A lot of behavioural problems of the terrible twos are caused by bad communication rather than necessarily bad children. As parents its easier to improve the quality of our communication than improve the language skills of a two year old over night.

Its sounds like Tarquin's mother is trying her best. Tarquin's mother is human and needs to find her own parenting path. Tarquin is being challenging because he has a new sibling Jorcarta. Tarquin's mother is having to manage a green eyed monster as well as exclusively breastfeeding a three month old Jorcarta. Jorcarta has fed three times in the night and Tarquin has been up since 6am. Tarquin's father left for work for his London commute at 6am and won't be back until 8pm.

Tarquin's mother also is having to contend with a batty mother who thinks that Tarquin is a spoilt brat and a good slap would sort him out. The batty mother is also desperate to wean Jorcarta on to baby rice at three months.

Dozyduck - fuck whatever anyone else thinks. Me included, though I don't judge other parents, even the telling-off ones, I just hate to hear it, but the vast majority of us are doing our best in our own individual circs. I have very little experience of SN. Maybe one day (I'm pg) I'll be praising non-stop too, if I feel it's the best way. At the moment I feel strongly I don't want to praise. I wanted to offer an alternative opinion to the enthusers, not to make anyone feel bad.

The only negative I can think of wrt over praising, is that after tons of physio, and standing frames and walkers, now ds takes a few independent steps of his own at 2, he keeps falling over when he stops to applaud himself!

With ds, even the most normal things that other children do takes a huge amount of input from us and a huge effort from him, so hell yes he gets praised for all these 'normal everyday' things.

you are a bit I do this all the time. constantly. My children are 11 & 13 and both big strapping lads, taller than me and you will see me out there with them, standing in a queue, saying "good waiting" and being out and about praising them for such things as saying hello, not pushing, not shoving, noticing someone is in front of them and not barging into them, etc etc.

They look perfectly 'normal'. My eldest has autism and my youngest autism & adhd. It is a consistent and well thought out strategy of constant behaviour modification/teaching.

I also do a load of "you've got three pounds, if you get this, how much will you have left?" stuff

And talking them through the procedure for paying in a shop. "put it on the counter. That's great. Listen to the lady, she wants you to give her your money. Good. Take your change. Say thank you. Say goodbye"

I am well aware that I run the risk of being laughed/sneered at and judged left right and centre and the whole 'performance parenting' crap will be being spouted, but hell, folks can mock away. At the end of the day, hopefully, my two will one day be able to buy a loaf of bread in a shop. That'll do for me.

Although it would be nice if people would, instead of thinking Overpraising or Performance Parenting, take a moment to consider hidden disabilities and think that there may actually be a reason a parent is doing something that has nothing to do with how they are seen

at the moment I'm desperate for DD to learn how to clap, so whenever I praise her for something, I clap too.

i must look like a right knobber

Hecate - i'm pretty sure the way you do it doesn't sound like performance parenting - if you'd gone "how much does she want? Count it in German like Mum taught you!", then fair enough, I'd be hoicking up my judgy pants

"how much does she want? Count it in German like Mum taught you!"

oh, I'll have to do that just for the laugh now!

hmmm, where's my nearest Waitrose?...

I agree with you, OP. It grates and sounds ridiculous to me. I don't care whether other parents do it or not but I think praise should be given when it's worth something, for something actually well done.

That doesn't mean that I think negative comments should be heaped on a child though either but I think that over-praising is just that and it sounds false and empty. I too pity the children who will grow up expecting praise for every little thing; how can they ever learn what a special effort is?

We all do it differently...

Well, I suppose the thing is you don't know what the circumstances of people's lives are, so if you hear me over praising my delayed ds for waving goodbye, or my anxious dd2 for telling me when she wants to do a wee or my wonderful dd1 for being so kind to her brother, and think I'm a bit of a tool, or that my praises are empty and grating, well, la di da - or as you say, shrug.

I think for NT children both over and under praising are detrimental for the reasons given by various posters above. Surely the art is to be praising the behaviours that they are learning about and developing at the time. There's no point praising them to ridiculous lengths for behaviours they mastered a year ago, (but you should appreciate that they are good behaviours). If you want it to be effective it has to be timely and proportionate.

Yabvvvvvu I do this to my Autistic dd 5 who has learning difficulties. I don't care what you think as it works. Dd salt recommended we do this. How do you know that little Tarquinius does not have sn

I praise A LOT as I was sevrrly verbally emotionally abused aa a child. I still feel that today. My child is content, confudent and pleasent.

DS2 has ASD too and we use the "Good listening" etc type of thing, and they use it at school. You would have all hated my Performance parenting the other day when we were in the forest and he was telling me about the trees and seasons! I was so proud of him as it's hard to tell how much he understands.

I also used completely OTT poo praise for DS5 who wouldn't poo in the toilet for a year after he was dry. Obviously now he's been at it a year I don't take any notice, despite his loud announcements every time he needs the toilet!

That's fantastic always [smie]