following on from 'loud parentig' Overpraising AIBU to find this grating ..

[carycach]

'gooood waiting', 'goood standing' 'good lying down' adressed to little Tarquin so he doesn't experience any interruption to a non-stop stream of praise.

Yes i probablu am BU. I just think praising everything (apart from being faintly ridiculous eg good pooing (thanks !that made me laugh grin makes praise soon become utterly meaningless.

doh single brackets

This thread is an eye-opener, and seems so obvious now I see it in black and white. I hear myself saying "don't touch that, leave that alone, come away from there, stop that...." and so on, and it had occurred to me that this sounds so negative, and must be demoralising for my 1yo DD - much like my own childhood, as it happens. I'm so pleased, I can start praising immediately! I know I must seem incredibly stupid not to have thought of this, but I guess we parent the way we were parented, until we are shown a new way.

Well, I've been relentlessly praising DS (for doing good things) all his life, so for 3.5 years now. And DD for almost 2 years now.

And it has yet to become in any way meaningless. They both still thrive on it, with no signs of it abating.... :)

ah my son is nearly six and still incontinent so 'ridiculous' over-praising is the least of my concerns.

I'm sure I've had a few tutty/judgey glances. Some are probably from twats but most no doubt from people who are just ignorant. I do what my son needs & I do it really well ... everything else is irrelevant really :)

Great thread Cary!!! Really love it!! Clever girl!!!

my name is Charlotte and I am an overpraiser. 21mo dd2 is is so addicted to praise that she pauses to give herself a small round of applause for every wooden jigsaw piece that she fits into the correct little hole

Depends on the child I had a friend who did this over the top positive praise stuff with her DS.

He was the brightest lad in the class, he already had a head the size of a planet. It really didn't help.
He became an smug bully,

To be fair when his mum caught him being nasty to DD1 she did tell him off.

She'd simply swallowed the book and forgotten to temper it with common sense.

Well done, Charlotte! That has really made me LOL.

charlotte lol!

over praising IMO is setting children up for a fall as they get older imo.

I was a bit guilty of over praising dd1 for the first few years but i think they expect to get praise for everything and have little faces when they don't get it,
especially in school then over praising parents get all upset when their child didnt get star of the week or a certificate etc etc,

Mrsjay, I'm not suggesting anyone else praises my ds. Why would they? But he's still so little, I don't see the benefit in him only hearing negatives all day long. How does that help him if all I do is say no?

I don't expect the school to give him certificates for everything... Personally I think it's important for children to learn that they aren't necessarily the best at something ie. sport. HOWEVER, that does not mean I shouldn't encourage him to try, does it? I'll always congratulate him on trying or doing something well.

I don't think you should praise to the point that the child expects it and looks for it.

Personally I neither praise nor criticise my children unless it is deserved.

It's very child dependent. In school I will tell my bottom set year 5 class that they are listening really well and I'm very pleased with them. But, for my top set year 7, that would be a given and I would criticise them if they weren't doing so.

YAB a bit U.

Like on the other thread, I was advised by SALT to praise my boys when they do something right, by saying 'good walking', 'good listening' (or whatever).

Their behaviour is much better as a result. I'd rather be over-praising than shrieking like a banshee at the bad behaviour!

I am not saying never ever praise a child that is just daft to think that but as toddlers grow and mature if they are praised for every little thing then it is inprinted on them to expect it IME. praise is good I didnt say it wasn't

I can't imagine overpraising - in between the praises there are always the "NO, STOP!, please don't XYZ, lets get a move on, quickly now" etc etc- balances out the "well dones" and, "I was so pleased you brushed your teeth without being asked" etc etc nicely

I had the usual dogey phase with my DD - playing up - somneone noticed that I was phrasing what she had done in a negative way too much and was always re inforcing bad behaviour and that if i kept saying it, it would program her to keep doing rather than helping her become free of it.

so began lots more - well dones....after a while she has been brilliant. she is now an extremly well behaved child and people always comment on it - saying i am lucky...its not luck it was hard won. ( for now)

TBH YABVU.

Totally totally so!

Eliza that was quite a negative response to Cary. We don't say YABVU on this thread. Can you think of a more positive way of saying that?

Can you?

Oh you did?

Well done! That was a lovely way to say it! Great job!

Overpraising can backfire. A few years ago DD had a little friend over to play. They were both painting and I said to the girls that their pictures were lovely . DD's friend then said her painting was better than DDs because her Mummy said she was the best in the world at everything. DD never wanted her around again after that and quite a feaw of her classmates felt the same after similar incidents.

Now penelope we all have different was of expressing ourselves, and different opinions. You did good listening. I'm pleased that you can express your own view. And I like the way you used a positive at the end. you are a good girl.

His is probably be in tesco 'good walking DS' good listening, good waiting. Constantly.

He has ASD... If I stop he'll do something to get attention for in a bad way

Also can sound patronising over a certain age as my last post proves

Give the kid a break. His name is Tarquin, after all.

I don't praise my child, neither do I criticise him. I believe both to be unhelpful/even potentially damaging (Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards is interesting reading), but I'd rather hear a gazillion "Good existing!"s than the "Don't do this/that/the other"s or "Naughty!/that's dreadful behaviour"s I hear more often.

Children need information: it's fine to explain that 'we use words to ask for a go with a toy, we don't grab'; there's no need to criticise them or call them names.

I would save your wrath for Kystral's mum who has slapped her daughter and called her "F*cKing little Sh!t!" because Kystral has accidently spillt her juice and tried to clear up the mess with her mum's t-shirt while her mum was mumsnetting.

I think that praise needs to be sincere and meaningful, otherwise it loses value. Ie. I praise my son for working hard and producing good homework, I don't praise him for second rate scribble that is done in two minutes flat.

Praise also has to be developmentally appriopiate. It becomes ridicolous if a child is praised for what is socially expected behaviour. Ie. I do not praise my son for sitting quietly in church because I expect it and he understands as he is ten years old. However I recongise that its difficult for my three year old daughter.

Its important to praise the desired behaviour rather than the child. (Ie. Tarquin is praised for walking nicely and not praised for being a "nice" boy.)

However behaviouralism is puppy dog train and ABA is designed for children with special needs. An older child without special needs can be reasoned with and understand why certain behaviours are expected. As neurologically typical children grow up they respond better to reasoning.

Nutureshock is a brilliant book and discusses the advantages and disadvantages of praise and how best to use praise.