to cancel with apology card and not attend this wedding

[whatthewhatthebleep]

Had the invite ages ago..rsvp'd that I would be coming (but without my DS)...mum then helped me to buy a lovely dress to wear for the occasion...it's hanging in the wardrobe needing shoes, bag and accessories to go with it.

The Wedding is the niece of my BIL and have known her distantly since she was a small child (various family gatherings over the years, etc)

My family is sooooo dysfunctional though...we barely speak or see each other...though I see a fair bit of my mum...(example: my mum was staying here recently for 6days...my family all knew this but instead of phoning here to speak to mum...they all left numerous phone messages on her house phone when I took her home again) I've always been the black sheep so to speak. There are a number of difficult situations going on within my family (nothing to do with me or my DS) over the past months esp. and I have kept my distance out of the need for self preservation and peace.
My DS has SN adhd/asd and it is too difficult for him to attend this event and at his age he has to be given the choice too.....his reply being 'no way am I going to it'....and that's absolutely fine with me (though I hate to swan off anywhere and leave him out of things everyone else will be at...a mothers guilt trip thing)...

Anyway, recently things have taken quite drastic turns and as a result I am just absolutely dreading the whole thing...meant to be all going together in a minibus and staying over at my mums...resulting in the best part of 24+hrs in their company...and I just know it's going to be so difficult and stressful and I'm dreading the whole bloody thing now...the potential that it all goes pear shaped is high risk too....

WWYD???...AIBU to bow out now and come up with a feasible excuse for cancelling??

I can see myself painting on a smile, staring at floors and decor and just feeling completely lost and stressed out the whole time....I'll only have my family for company really as I barely know anyone else going to the wedding....my mum just wants to present her family as this happy, close, loving bunch even though she knows well that we are not and never really have been...the pretense is sickening tbh...another thing I can't cope well with...I feel exhausted just thinking/worrying about it all now...!!!

If you're not going to cope then yes cancel. better to send a card with apologies then just not turn up.

Will she be able to read between the lines and realise why you won't be going.

Cancel. I always judge a situation like this by 'would I be angry/devastated/offended if someone did this to me?'

If a friend/relative decide it was too stressful or a whole host of reasons to come to my wedding, I would be disappointed they couldn't share it but I would prefer that they did what was right for them so that they could feel stronger and happier soonest.

Don't give an excuse, just say you can no longer attend and you are extremely sorry, but have thought carefully. Send a lovely gift if poss too.

sending the apology and a present is the easier bit tbh...I think it's the fall out from my mum and family that is making me hesitate in doing it...esp as my mum is so keen about us all going to be there as a family (apart from my DS) and helped to buy me a dress to wear...

My lack of courage is pathetic to me...always made to feel I am failing so often in their eyes...it will just be another thing to pick on me about....in the bloody firing line again...I've managed to avoid being in this position for a long time and it just means it will all be raked up and thrown at me all over again...I'm feeling so defeated and sad right now...wishing I was stronger than this

I'm sorry you're feeling defeated and sad, that's a hard place to be. I have been there with mine and I understand how it comes back time after time.

How long to the wedding? You don't have to do anything this minute presumably. Be nice to yourself for a bit while you work it all out.

Oh, and if all else fails, an horrific D&V bug could be an option on the day?

If you want to go to the wedding but don't want to spend the time with them couldn't you drive yourself? That way you'd be free to attend and then leave without being stuck there.

im feelin that this is way bigger than just the one 24 hrs eh? im with littlebluechair, giv urself some breathing space atm and time to decide which is the best option for YOU. Yor family will either 'forgive' you or not, will you cope with that or is it better to grin n bear it for one day? Only you know the answers, good luck!

How long is it until the wedding?b

What about going for the day only and traveling under your own steam? If you can limit the time you have with family, then you might be OK? I wonder who they have sat you next to? You can always mingle away from them and there are bound to be others who don't know many.

I'll be honest - I think if you cancel now, well in advance, which would probably be the 'decent' thing - the drama llama may well run amock.

You will have sundry family members fussing, bosom-hoicking & trying to change your mind.

I would be inclined to wait until the last minute, see how you feel, & if you absolutely can't cope with the prospect, come down with a convenient d&v bug the night before.

If the bride is your BIL's niece, rather than a close friend/relative it's not as if you are essential to proceedings iyswim...

Having said all that - I do think the best course of action, if you can face it, would be to do as other posters have suggested & make your own travel arrangements to attend, so you feel in control & aren't at the mercy of family arrangements.

I'm thinking the 'bug' attack the night before would be my best option.
There is a lifelong back story I won't go into and bore anyone with

I'm not in a strong enough position to handle it all at the moment...there was a time that I could have found the 'fuck it' attitude and risen above it and just shirked it off and not let it all bother me, but the past while I have slipped into a shitty place (for other various reason's)and this impending event has me feeling I couldn't cope with it and I'm better to avoid it for my self and also to avoid the other stuff going on in my family.

I'll feel bad on the day but better that than putting myself into this situation when I know I can't cope with it.

The venue is approx 100miles from where I live so travelling there and back myself isn't a realistic option in my wee jaloppy, hence the minibus and staying at my mother's arrangements that have been made...

I'll find out about sending a telegram...can you still get them sent to wedding venue's for the bride and groom??

I had a very similar situation last year. I was put under immense pressure and I was so stressed in the time leading up to the event I almost really was bloody ill by the time it arrived.

I bought the outfit etc but I knew I just couldn't go so I'm afraid I was completely dishonest and told the people who I knew would be the problem, how much I was looking forward to it. Then I came down with a 'bug' and didn't go. I'm not particularly proud that I lied so eloquently but it was self preservation almost as I knew what was going to happen if I attended and I just wasn't prepared to put myself through it again. I was so glad I didn't go as it kicked off royally only this time I wasn't dragged into the middle of it all.

It's all very well saying you should be honest etc but only you know your family dynamics and what is likely to be the outcome.

It sounds like a very difficult situation op.

It sounds like your wont enjoy yourself anyway, and you are not a close enough relative for the B&G to be offended at you not attending, so if I were you I'd cancel.

However please don't invent a D&V bug the day before the wedding if you are invited to the whole day event, pleased be upfrount in advance.
The couple will have forked out a lot of money for their wedding breakfast, and could invite someone else to attend in your stead rather than throwing money down the drain.

Good luck whatever your choice.

please please don't just cancel the night before. My cousin cancelled the morning of the wedding, I had always guessed she wouldn't come (was surprised she accepted in the first place), but if she had cancelled even a few days before I could have invited one of my friends (I had a very long list of people I would have loved to have invited but couldn't due to numbers)

It does sound sensible to not go (I would say differently if you were very close to the bride). Maybe cancelling 3 days before is a good balance between the bride and groom having time to invite someone else, and not giving your family too long to try and 'persuade' you to attend.

And yes do still send present and card (DH was remarking only the other day how funny it was that my cousin, who cancelled on the day, didn't have a present to send afterwards...)

I think you really ought to stay at home with your son. I completely understand how you feel about the whole thing.

Yes there will be fallout and they will think badly of you, but they already do and you cannot change that. In fact it could make things even worse or they might just stay the same even if you do show up - iyswim? Nothing is likely to improve based on your attending this one event.

So if it won't make a difference then there really is no point. You could be honest or you could just say, I'm sorry, I cannot leave my son for this length of time as he needs me for such and such and he comes first.

I have always been the one in my family who misses weddings, and funerals and tbh my family seem to organise it so that I never go - they assume I won't want to, or ask me to look after their pets while they are there, etc etc and if I dare to suggest that I actually might like to go, they do everything possible to convince me that I won't cope with it.

It's true that I am someone who likes staying at home but the real reason they don't want me to go is so that they have a black sheep to blame...it takes the focus off them I think, my mother hates leaving her house, so it almost seems she makes me into the weak version of her while she goes and pretends to enjoy it. It's hard to explain.

Luckily there haven't been any weddings or funerals recently but I know this is a pattern that my family seems to want to remain in place. Nothing can change their minds about me.

good luck and I hope you manage to get out of it, because I am sure from what you describe, it will be awful for you x

ps I would be brave and cancel ASAP - don't worry about your family, it's not their wedding but inform the BIL's neice directly if you can. She is probably unaware of the complex dynamics, just say you can't leave your son, or something else reasonable, and she will be glad to have advance warning.

Make something up - anything - and stick to your plan of not going. Your mother will have to get used to it, you're a grown up now.

the wedding is in a few weeks...
I just got a text from my sis to say the minibus is booked and the price to pay, etc...I've not replied to her...

Maybe I could send my apology card a few days earlier of the date and that would give the bride time to invite someone in my place....
I'll think about doing this....or maybe just explain that my DS isn't going to manage well if I leave him that long and tbh I'm not sure he will be happy about it anyway, even though he gets along really well with our friend he would be staying with...come the day my DS could kick off and I might not be able to go anyway...

What a shambles...I don't know why I put myself in this position in the first place...I accepted the invite so long ago and wasn't giving things much thought at that point I suppose...
a lot has happened since then too and I've actively been staying out of the loop and just talking with my mum, getting sketchy updates (so I know it's not good)...

I'm going to stir up the hornets nest whichever way I do it...I'll just need to choose which way will work best that I can deal with the best....it seems so pathetic to allow this to upset me like this...it would be so much easier if I felt stronger

How do we end up feeling like this and letting people do this to us....it shouldn't be this way....my family always makes me feel like shit...I wonder that they enjoy it and it makes them feel better about themselves...except the cracks are visible in them now...though that also just tells me that the outcome for me is probably ramped up because they are in a shitty place too...

In fairness to the bride and groom, you MUST let them know in time for them to either reduce the size of the party or to invite someone else. Wedding receptions cost a fortune and it is not the bride's fault you can't make it. Give her a call, explain you can't leave your DS, and send a lovely card and gift.

Bear in mind from what you say that if you don't cancel and simply don't turn up, or cancel so late it's virtually the same thing, word will get round anyway, and you will still have to deal with the shit, but you will also have justifiably pissed off/upset the bride and groom. They should be your priority in this.

Dealing with the rest of your extended family is a separate issue, and you might find it more useful to post in Relationships for advice on that.

I disagree that the bride & groom are your priority. Your health is your priority. If you get d&v, that's just bad luck, can't be helped, these things happen. I had some people cancel last minute for my wedding, I didn't give a toss about the money or whatever.

Yes but if the OP already knows she doesn't want to go, she owes it to the people whose fault it isn't, to let them know in a decent and polite way so that they can make other plans - offer her space to someone else or similar.

that is what someone in any other situation would do, and it is the right thing to do, and stuff what her family thinks of her - she will know she has handled it in a polite and correct way. they will just be worse to her if she leaves it till the last minute.

I hope you manage to work it out OP x

I don't think in a situation with loads of family strife it is helpful to get hung up on 'shoulds'. The OP really doesn't owe anything to anyone imo, she is free to put her needs first. The bride & groom will think she has d&v, if she did have d&v who would mind? I know some people are more rigid about 'thou must not lie' than I am, but in cases like this I'm all for an excuse. Difficult families are too much like hard work!

Get something with a rash involved...Ds first, then you a few days later...high temp, the works. Sounds like no one can pop round to check up on you.
Not sure how you can get out of paying for the mini bus though; I think they'd guess your plan if you didn't pay for your seat in it.

with everything else I've got going on at the moment...I know I just need to get some focus on my own home and things...I'm caring less and less about the fall out with my family....

it's a can't do right for doing wrong sort of situation I'm always in with them anyway so in the end it probably won't matter how I handle it, or when I do it....there are a number of weeks to go yet so I'm just not thinking about it anymore just now...

Started back on anti-D's today...got a permanent headache the last 3 days...too much making me feel overwhelmed....bit a state right now tbh.

'this too shall pass'...soon I hope :(

I would wait untill the last minute and feign illness, for your mums sake if you dont want fall out with her and let the others think what they want. send an appology to bride and groom via email and forward on gift. call your mum and tell her you arent well the day before.

Im a coward though, I know how you feelm about the family thing, things are strained with my brothers and sisters and quite frankly im lways the bad guy, so If it where me I would just take the esay option and bow out last minute as some times the friction is just not worth it and also if you change your mind you have not cut your nose off by canceling already.

Take care, if you're back on anti-d's and feeling overwhelmed then you need to focus on yourself and just take a much pressure off as you can.

I am sure it will pass x