Was I unreasonable to forgive her?! DFriend and my seriously ill sister :(

[caution]

Ok so I've been dear friends with a great woman for the best part of a decade (so since I was 19/ 20). She's a couple of years older than me but generally I'm the robust 'together one', I have settled relationships, good job etc whereas she lurches from one crisis to another (boyfriend trouble, money trouble etc). We seem to have developed this dynamic that is pretty much all about her, and that's fine I'm in the 'caring professions' so it feels quite natural to drop everything and be there for her when she needs support. My DH thinks I'm bonkers but hey ho, she's my best friend and I care for her deeply.

Anyway a year ago I had some terrible news when I found out my severely learning disabled DSis had developed a serious illness due to negligence on the part of the health professionals. I don't want to say what it was for fear of outing myself but think cancer.. or going blind, something of that gravity. All the evidence suggests my DSis was given a second rate service because of her disability and not really being 'worth' medical intervention - I was understandably devastated and RAGING in equal measure and embarked on a massive fight with the authorities to get her treatment sorted.

DFriend and I live on opposite sides of the country so I told her of the above via an ongoing text correspondance.. and I got no reply.

Two days later.. still no reply

A week later I get a silly, jovial text message from DFriend about something trivial and I thought "ah, she clearly didnt get my message about DSis as she wouldnt have contacted me in such a chirpy manner if she'd known what I am going through"

So I asked her if she'd got the text and she replied with "oh yeah, sorry I didn't reply, I was out with BF at the time, awful news huh?".. and then she carried on wittering about the trivial topic of conversation.

I was SHAKING with anger, I felt her response was indicative of the medical attitudes that had led to my sister being so ill - people thinking she is sub-human, that cancer or whatever isn't as bad if it happens to a LD person because they're not quite as important as the rest of us. I just couldn't believe my DFriend of 10 years could be so insensitive a) to my sister or b) be so disinterested in my feelings despite me having bust a gut on several occasions to be there for her during crises which frankly pale into insignificance against what was happening to my DSis.

So I very clamly had it out with her, told her how let down I was by her response. She tried making some rather lame excuses that were all 'me me me' but before I had chance to respond she rather insightfully recognised what she was doing, stepped back and apologised, she accepted there were no excuses and that this situation was not about her and her difficulties, she accepted she'd been a rubbish friend and said it wouldn't happen again. I felt we'd reached a common ground and was happy to accept her apology and move on.

Other friends told me they thought I was too forgiving and would have dumped her. WIU to forgive her??

The reason I'm asking is because the friendship continued on as normal for a while, lots of dramas and boyfriend trouble for her (so emergency phonecalls, visits, and massive text and email support from me).. but now I've had another crisis (completely out of the blue!) and I'm finding her response somewhat lacking again. Can't help feeling I should have learned my lesson the first time :(

Gosh, I'm sorry this is so long.

I think we have different friends for different situations. If you are happy to keep this friend in the 'box' she fits in (the same values, having a laugh one), that's fine. But never try and fit her in another one (the supportive, caring one).
However, I think I would back off always being there for her crises somewhat.

I hope you are getting the support you need from elsewhere though.

You're not being unreasonable to be conflicted about this, I can see why you'd feel hard done by if you've been there for her and you don't get the same back. I've been in this position myself with friends, always there for them in a crisis and they couldn't do the same for me. But I did just come to accept that some people are just not good at offering a shoulder to cry on, it's not in their nature and sometimes has to do with the way they were raised. They've found other ways to be supportive of me though, giving me physical help with something or distracting me by being funny or fighting my corner like a guard dog. Perhaps there's some other way your friend could help you, given that she apologised and seems to genuinely feel bad that she couldn't support you the way you wanted.

Yanbu. She does sound flakey (sp?) Is there a chance she did not understand the condition and thus the seriousness of the situation?
Hope your dsis improves and you do have other rl support.

Texting's no good to convey the gravity of a situation.

So sorry about your Dsis Caution.
Your friend is totally out ofline to be so selfish.

I am watching your thread with interest as I have a similar friend. I had a circumstance with my parents a few years ago, and every time I tried to speak to her about it, she was indifferent.

Now, unfortunately, her own parents are in the same situation, and we talk about it for hours on end. I don't begrudge this, but like you, it does make me question our friendship a little...

I hope you have other, better, friends and family around you...

I think you were right (and brave) to call her out on ehr appalling behaviour.
Maybe it is time to distance yourself from the friendship a little?

Oh dear.
of line

and

her.

I've had a similar friend, I thought I was really close too then when it was my turn for a crisis she was rather busy, I really could have done with a bit of help a while down the line but ended up looking after her kids instead. Various people told me I was being used (this women has a track record of this) I felt a double mug but enjoyed her company and I'm not good at making what I'd call close friends so I kept the contact going. The realisation of the one sidedness off the friendship did sink in and so I made myself available for the positive bits only like trips out and a coffee and chat. Our friendship has naturally dwindled now but I don't think there is any bad feeling.

If she can't be there as a supporting friend it doesn't mean you can't enjoy collapsing on the dance floor together. If supporting her is emotionally costing you too much you can step back from that without severing all ties.

I hope your latest need for your friends support is something that is now passing and your Dsis continues to get the help and support she deserves.

I'm not sure that text messaging is entirely helpful, it probably doesn't adequately convey how you feel or what you want. Maybe it would be more helpful to call her, perhaps after texting "have just had some bad news, are you free to talk this weekend" or "situation with X is getting me down, could do with some support". Set the agenda, and maybe she will be able to meet your expectations.

I have friends who are good company, but I would not rely on for practical or emotional support. I don't have to provide the same to them though. I think you might have to reassess your friendship. Are you getting enough out of it to carry on? Maybe withdraw a little. You're not obliged to drop everything for other adults.

I usually forgive people the first time - we all make mistakes, not everyone knows how to deal with certain situations. But if they do the same thing again I tend to quietly drop them, or just recognise that they are good for some things in a feindship, but not support.

Glad your sister is getting the treatment she needs now.

I guess you're right, text wasn't the best way to convey my news, ordinarily I'd have just phoned her but as we were already in a text conversation when I found out it just made sense at that time to text her (as well as being too furious and tearful to talk). There is definately no way she could have misinterpreted the text though, no way at all, she didn't even try that line of defence when I challenged her.

I think it was genuinely a combination of being extremely self-absoarbed and just not feeling the same pang of "my god!!" that she would have felt if my sister wasn't disabled. I asked her how she thought I would have reacted if she had told me her Dad or Brother or whoever had the same condition - and that really brought it home to her, she apologised unreservedly after that.

I'm sad to hear so many others have similar experiences! Fortunately I do have a very supportive DH and some girlfriend's who I guess I've subconsciously invested more in since DFriend let me down.

Thanks for all your wise words.

'I asked her how she thought I would have reacted if she had told me her Dad or Brother or whoever had the same condition - and that really brought it home to her'

You reiterating the fact your friend thought the disability your sisters has would make the way she was treated a less significant to you, kind of says it all.

If your answer to someone else asking 'Do I really want a friend who could think so little about a person I love very much just because they have a disability', would be ditch the fucker immediately, you should take your own advice.

Has her opinion of your sister come up any other time? Is this the first time you've noticed it?

dump her this is a one way friendship sadly and will continue to happen. I once had a friend the exact same and should have dumped her long ago, sadly I didnt when I finaly did it all got very nasty. however if i had just stopped responding to her many dramas then things would have naturaly ended, but I blew a fuse with her and lost my rag we both said some terrible things. I wish I had just let it fizzle out rather than placing any expectation in her to be as good a friend to me as I had to her. wasted energy.

I think the fact you tested is irrelevant.
This is about you for once. Why o you have to make it easier to understand?
I am very sory about your sister, I hope she improves with the right treatment.
Yanbu to forgive her. She did something most people find impossible.
She may never be omeone you can rely on in times of great need. That would be a shame but not everyone is up to the job.
She may surprise you now she can see the rules if your friendship have changed.
Best wishes to your sister.

You just gave your friend what you knew she thrived on Enthusiastic - more drama.

Now that's a friend indeed

Well she used to work in a special needs school so there was a time when she could relate quite well when I talked about my sister, however she would occassionally show some insensitivity when discussing the school she worked in and the systems these kids feed into. So for example she'd say that the personalisation agenda is great in theory but in practice it seems extremely expensive, particularly in a time of recession. It would just make me bristle a bit, as if in a roundabout way she was criticising my sister's care package. Of course I would always systematically deconstruct gently challenge her views and she would always be happy to take on board my point of view given my personal and professional experience. Its never been an 'issue' because we've always had frank and open discussions I guess. But I shouldn't have to have frank and open discussions about why its bad that my sister is seriously ill - some things should just be tacit.

I think you're probably too close, to be honest.

In an ideal world, your friend would be better able to take care of herself. The fact that she can't is not a problem exactly, but it's an indication of fragilities on her part. That will carry a price tag, of course, as you will probably realise from your work in the caring professions. This is her price tag. Very personal decision for you. In my estimation, the friendship is definitely compromised - it will be less close. You'd both need to above board and ok with that. Is there enough to stay around for? Or maybe you believe in unconditional love? Sounds like she is trying to learn, just making slow progress. Think adoption. Very very slow.

I think if she repeatedly can't support you in your time of need after being told, I would wonder if the relationship was worth persuing. It does sound like you can be open and honest with her. Can you ask her directly why she hasn't been supportive this time? Tell her that you always support her through her events and a friendship should really be a two way thing with her supporting you too. If she failed after that I would probably give her lots of space but also be honest about why you have withdrawn if asked.

It sounds like you enjoy being the together one that rescues her.

That's what your friendship is about, so there is no point expecting her to step up when you need help.

Firstly, your sister. I am terribly sorry this has happened. I am a care assistant and working towards the qualifications that will then allow me to do my Adult Nurse training. I have to say that one of the most important roles is to be a patient advocate, that is to fight for the best care for the patient and to give the best care we can. It is dreadful that your sister has been let down by those who should have been doing that for her.

Now your friend. You gave her her second chance, she has blown it. do not be available to her during her next crisis. That is unless you can just give, give, give! If you are happy to do that because you have fun together then that is entirely your choice. Rely on your family and true friends for support.

YANBU.

So sorry about your DSIS. I feel angry on your behalf. I hope she is now getting the care she deserves.

I have a dd with profound learning disabilities. In DH and my experience it has really separated the wheat from the chaff in knowing who our real friends are. I would get shot of this 'friend'.

Your friendship hasn't moved on from the kind you have when you are 19 - responding to dramas, "being there" constantly and having her lean on you like the life partner she would like to have but isn't emotionally ready for. It makes you feel special, but why?

I'm sorry about your sister x

But please - stop giving your time to this 'friend'

Pull back and don't be emotionally available as if she asks why tell her why

Just be friends but accept she is nor a good close friend

YANBU because if no-one forgave the world would be a worse place for it.

However, there is nothing to stop you stepping back from the friendship without ill-feeling. It's up to you really to evaluate what you have here and think how sorry you'd be to lose it. If the answer is 'not that much', I'd try to seek a friendship with someone that allows for a bit of give and take.

50shades says it better than me and has a better idea - a less close friendship rather than none at all (assuming she gives on this).

I also hope your sister improves.

YANBU to forgive her once, but I think you might want to face up to the fact she is not a supportive person, and you may have to re-evaluate your friendship in light of this knowledge.

I hope both crises - with your DS and the new problem - improve for you and those involved.

If you get something out of this friendship, and are prepared for it to work the way it has, then carry on. But... my sister is a really gregarious person, life and soul of the party, and a collector of lame ducks - is a nurse and has a habit of picking up friends who are needy or damaged in some way and rely on her. Fine, that's her thing. But when she was attacked, it was amazing how many of them disappeared. First time she'd needed them, instead of supporting them, and so many of the weasels just weren't interested.

Several years later and she's come to terms with the attack, and is once again a very gregarious person. But she has limits, and is far less trusting. Still picks up lame ducks, but doesn't drive herself into the ground supporting them as she did before - and is far more choosy about close friends. Close friends being those who would be there for her in a disaster.