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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Raaaaaaaaaaaargh! DH "they look fine"

34 replies

ErmaGerdOlermpercs · 28/07/2012 10:15

A few months ago I was struggling to shoehorn myself into size 20/22 jeans.
Today, a lovely pair of size 16's arrived (bought them on eBay), and they fit! They bloody well fit :o

I showed dh (feeling all glowy and excited) who has completely pissed on my chips by saying "yeah, they look fine" in a really bored way, then when I looked a bit deflated said " what do you want me to say? It's just a pair of trousers?"

Um, no, they're not just a a pair of trousers twat they are the first pair of size 16's to fit me in years, and I'm made up about it, and I'm more than a little bit proud of myself.

"Wow, Erma, you look brilliant" or " Ooh look at you" would have more than sufficed, and would have taken the same amount of time and effort to say, and may have maintained my mood over the weekend (and might have even got him a shag), but no, "yeah, they look fine", and now I feel like shit.

AIBU to have wanted a more enthusiastic response from him?
And AIBU to think that "you look fine" should never be uttered by any man, ever?

OP posts:

SparklingGoldMedals · 28/07/2012 10:18

Erma I feel your pain. But gig congrats on the weight loss and you are right to be very excited.

DH says things like 'well do you like it?' when I show him things I have bought. Or 'you look fine' like your DH.

Put your new trousers on and be proud. Are you ordering a 14 next?

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2012 10:19

He was telling the truth, I'm sure you do look fine!

Well done on the weight loss.

SparklingGoldMedals · 28/07/2012 10:19

*BIG congrats obviously. How did you do it?

Thumbwitch · 28/07/2012 10:20

Has he noticed you've lost weight at all?

Really though - ignore him - you should base your feelings of self-worth on how great you feel about your weight loss and so on, not on any external input. And you've done really well - so huge congratulations and if you post a pic of you in the new jeans, we'll all tell you you look fab! :)

Original poster

ErmaGerdOlermpercs · 28/07/2012 10:21

Yes I know Worra, but "you look fine" is usually code for "I've seen you look better, but you don't look like a bag of shite, so you'll do"
I'm sure he could have read the mood a little better.

Sparkling - virtual gastric band app - there's a thread about it in the diet topic.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 28/07/2012 10:22

What you did wrong there is not give him a lead into the compliment you wanted, so you should have said "what do you think of my new size 16 jeans?"

Jeans are hard to get excited about, so if there's a reason to be excited about them, then you need to make it clear. BTW - the size is important to you, but that doesn't mean he hasn't appriciated your new slimed down size!

and well done.

cocolepew · 28/07/2012 10:23

My DH is still under the impression Im the same size as when we met, Im about 3 stone heavier some men just dont notice or care

cocolepew · 28/07/2012 10:24

Well done, btw, thats impressive!

Original poster

ErmaGerdOlermpercs · 28/07/2012 10:24

Thank you :)

He has noticed, and was there when I bought them, and knew how excited I was, and I introduced them as my new size 16's.
He has no excuse!

OP posts:

SparklingGoldMedals · 28/07/2012 10:25

I think that's true cocole. I put a lot of weight on with DS1 and DH used to joke that there was at least two stone of me he didn't actually get married to.

SparklingGoldMedals · 28/07/2012 10:26

That sounds interesting Erma. Will have a look.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/07/2012 10:28

It's a bloke thing. You asked him what he thought of the jeans. So he answered the question. Most women (and a very few men) would have picked up that you wanted a comment on your figure wearing that size of garment, not the garment itself. Clearly your DH is not fluent in subtext-speak. By the time you've explained "what you want me to say", it all comes over a bit forced.

At least he's not like XH. I lost a load of baby weight and bought myself some shiny dove-grey satin underwear, which I was eager to show off; something I'd never done before as I'm generally an industrial-duty underwear person. He burst into loud, sardonic and, I'm pretty sure, forced, laughter. I took them off, flung them into the back of a drawer and never, ever wore them again.

NarkedRaspberry · 28/07/2012 10:29

Well done.

Pickles77 · 28/07/2012 10:29

Well done, you must feel very proud. He might not notice so make sure you bump into some female friends wearing them! They are bound to notice!

Original poster

ErmaGerdOlermpercs · 28/07/2012 10:31

Annie what a bastard!

OP posts:

kittyandthefontanelles · 28/07/2012 10:32

ERMA YOU LOOK CRACKING!!! you really do. Work those size 16s baby! Congratulations

brabbinsandfyffe · 28/07/2012 10:33

Total result Erma - that's really inspiring! (So sod DH and definitely sod Annie's DH)

honeytea · 28/07/2012 10:35

YANBU silly men!

Congratulations on the weight loss :)

Glitterkitten24 · 28/07/2012 10:37

Well done on the weight lose, that's amazing!

I feel your pain, obviously you didn't mean 'what do you think if the jeans?' but 'how do I look in my skinny minnie jeans?'. Sweeping generalisation coming right up but some guys can be a bit thick about these things.

Hopefully he's learned his lesson for when you try in your size 14 jeans (if you are planning in loosing more) and will be suitably enthusiastic!

Anniegetyourgun · 28/07/2012 10:43

Thank you, dears. One of the great things about getting divorced was realising I don't even have to try to forgive and forget shit like that. I can resent it for ever if I want to

Oh, and congratulations Erma. 16 is a good shape. (That's another thought: any woman, and my brother, will instantly know the significance of "size 16", whereas your dinosaur bloke only thinks in pounds and inches. He's probably telling his mates at the pub that you've got yourself down to 16 stone. Then of course you will have to kill him.)

becstarsky · 28/07/2012 10:52

Congratulations and well done! I bet the jeans look amazing!

How has he been generally about the weight loss - has he been fully supportive? Sometimes partners can feel a bit strange about their loved one losing weight and getting all glamorous - even a nice man can struggle with this. It can make them feel insecure about themselves, question in their minds whether you might be approached by other men now that you're looking so good, and it can usurp their role - you get all this attention for being slim and fabulous and having iron self-will. If he's undermined your efforts at all - bought food you can't eat or been dismissive of your diet then it could be this rather than just a man being insensitive.

You know your relationship better than me, so this is just a thought... But I'd consider asking him honestly how he feels about your weight loss - and no leading questions eg not 'It's great that I've lost so much weight isn't it? Don't I look great?' but more 'How do you feel about my weight loss? Do I look better to you this way?' Be prepared for him to be defensive as noone wants to own up to feeling insecure.

Or, you might think about giving him a bit of reassurance. Compliment him, tell him how much more attractive you find him than anyone else etc. Sometimes you get the behaviour you want from your partner by giving it to them first.

Or alternatively you could clang him on the head with a frying pan and say 'you're supposed to say I look fabulously slim, stupid!'

minimisschief · 28/07/2012 11:59

Well it depends how you look at it. i could say us men dont notice or care about these things because we arent shallow and obsessed with looks.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/07/2012 12:06

Well done

Can I just say it isn't just men who are crap at the weight loss recognition thing, I'm truly shit, if i see you on a regular basis I just don't seem to see it until it's dramatic. I don't know why, i just don't. I'm also incredibly shit at noticing haircuts unless you've gone from long black hair to a short platinum blonde bob.
(ponders how much testosterone I have)

In my defence the only attention I pay to my own figure is when things start getting a bit snug but that's only because I'm too tight to pay for new clothes.

carabos · 28/07/2012 12:32

A friend of mine had a really expensive posh do for her 40th and got a really expensive posh frock designed and hand made to wear at it. She looked like an Oscar winner, proper knock out. When she came downstairs in it to leave for the dinner her DH glanced up at her (theatrically striking a red carpet pose) and said:
"you look smart".

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2012 12:46

I think it's also worth remembering that not everyone is going to be as interested in your weight loss as you are.

He was there when you bought them and acknowledged that you look fine in them...that's probably enough for him as I'm sure he thinks you look nice anyway at whatever size.

I always congratulate people on their weight losses because I know how much effort it takes, but other than that it goes in one ear and out the other with me...they gained their own weight and they lost their own weight.

I also wouldn't have a clue if someone has dropped a dress or jeans size as I don't really have a clue about them...and yes I am female!

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