About my MIL and childcare?

[Glitterkitten24]

Hello ladies,

This is my first post here so please be kind. I'm really not sure if IABU and am after opinions, so am perfectly ready to be told I am U if that's what you think.

So my H is the youngest of 4 boys, so obviously in my MIL opinion I have stolen her precious youngest son and therefore can do no right. I get on ok with her generally but she has a good line in subtle put downs which her sons (all of them) think is 'just her senses of humour.

When we've been at her house in the past and my nieces and nephews are there I often see her doing things/ feeding them things that their parents say no to .ie 'have another packet of crisps but don't tell your mum'.
I know there is an element of being spoilt at grannies so never thought much of it.

My son was born this year and I will be retuning to work full time in a couple of months. My mum will be looking after DS for most of the week, and I want to put DS in nursery for the other two days per week. My H however had a conversation with his mum and she was apparently hurt that we didn't ask her. The reason I didn't ask her is cos she is getting on a bit (seventies) and has a poorly knee, so I guess I thought it would all be to much for her.

The problem is I really don't want to leave DS with her.
Shes had him overnight a couple of times and has basically disregarded everything we told her. He goes to bed at 7pm, she sat up with him watching a film til 10pm and then put him in his cot when he fell asleep in her arms.
She left him in his high hair with a full rice cracker and then left the room and he started chocking (not been weaned long, can't chew well so really needs to be supervised).

I can just imagine DS being out of his routine for two days every week, and me and H having to deal with the fallout on the other days when he's overtired ect.
And I can't get the 'don't tell your mum' conversations out of my head, I can just imagine her feeding him all sorts of junk and me not knowing.

Sorry it's so long, it's difficult to be succinct and avoid drip feeding at the same time!

So please let me know if I am being hopelessly PFB or if I actually have a valid point.

TYIA.

I think you have a valid point, and tbh, her age would be a deciding factor for me. I'm in my 50s and my DGC wear me out!
Her age and her bad knee will make it quite hard to deal with a lively toddler I would have thought.
Stay with your original plan, but if you can make it up to her with regular visits, then that's what I'd do.

PFB

Everyone else will disagree of course.

Stop being so jealous your DH has another woman in his life and your child might love her too.

Use the child free time to concentrate on your relationship with you husband.

Oh and be grateful you seem to have sane, non toxic, non narc grandparent who wants to be involved.

there I think I've covered every point except "Divorce the bastard"

There are so many threads on here that read like this:

"My Mum/MIL looks after ds while I work, and she feeds him rubbish / does unsafe things / sends him back overtired / spoils him even though she has him for 3/7ths of the week and thats too long for spoiling / can't really cope cos she is old / makes unreasonable demands of us because we're beholden to her / etc etc

And the advice is always "put your child in nursery then".

You sound like you're just preempting that thread!

You're going to need specific instances of behaviour from both MIL and Mum to show your dh why you trust your Mum and not your MIL, though. Or perhaps your DH agrees?

Not another grandparent and childcare one!

Normally I would say- choose the childcare you want which meets your child's needs. However you've created a very difficult situation by basically deciding that one granny is good enough to provide childcare but one isn't. I think you're storing up enormous problems with your dh on this one.

Fucking hell jumping - this may be aibu but there is no need to be so bloody horrible to op. At what point is jealousy mentioned? And presumably op has seen mil make barbed comments to sils - otherwise she wouldn't said about all 4 sons saying it was just her sense of humour.

Op yanbu - but you will probably have to increase the amount of time ds spends with mil to "compensate" (might help ease things?) And if she has a bad knee i think you're actually being very considerate thinking about nursery rather than "using her for childcare" iyswim

so obviously in my MIL opinion I have stolen her precious youngest son

Really? I think this is much more about your relationship with your MIL than it is about the mothers of youngest sons! Only I hadn't realised that I needed to treat my ddil as if she'd stolen anything. Quite the reverse since she makes my son very happy and if he's happy then I'm delighted.

I take your point about wondering whether your MIL might have the stamina to look after a baby but you've clearly chosen one grandparent over the other and for that reason, your MIL feels second-rate. Which won't help your longer term relationship with her.

Thanks for all your responses!

Jumping - I'm not jealous of my husbands relationship with his mum at all, and am grateful that MIL wants to be involved. And of course I want my DS to have a good relationship with his gran, I hope that my post didn't indicate otherwise.

Bertha & emmie - I think H knows that she might struggle to cope, but he thinks we need to give her a chance. She's his mum, I can understand that. I just worry that our DS gets hurt because she can't run after him ect. You're right though about not harming my relationship with H, that's why I'm glad to get opinions before I talk to him about it.

I didn't specifically choose one gran over the other although of course it must look like that to my MIL.

Pandemonia- I definitely want to tread carefully, as I said my H is close to her and I don't want to cause a rift with her or put my H in an awkward position.

I think 70 is a bit old for looking after a toddler, how old is your mum?

It would have been different if she actually said she wanted to look after him and you said no and then opted for a nusery but it sounds like she only wants to look after him because your mum is looking after him. Did she look after her other grandchildren?

Why don't you ask her to do the nursery pick up so she feels involved and gets to see your son for a hour or so on those days. That would also mean no rushing about for you and maybe say would it be ok if there was ever a problem say he was poorly she would cover then? Whatever his routine a hour a few days a week will not hurt.

Honey - no she's never looked after any of her other GC regularly, just the odd night. But we only live 5 minutes away and the others are all a bit further away, so I guess that could come into it.

I worry that she's only wanting to do it cos my mum is too, to prove a point-and she's so stubborn that if she wasn't coping then she wouldn't say so, and would just struggle on in silence. Thats not going to be good for her either and I worry she'd resent us, or feel put upon iyswim?

My mum is almost 15 years younger than her.

Tbh this is just another aspect of the age old problem of mixing family and childcare. However you try to dress it up, one granny is going to feel sidelined and that she's the 'lesser' grandparent. That's going to have inevitable consequences for how you relate to her, how your dh relates to you, and indeed on her relationship with her grandchild. I'm not suggesting for a moment she'll deliberately take it out on her grandchild, just that relationships are complex.

In your situation I would either use each granny for a day a week and nursery the rest of the time, or just go for nursery and leave granny time as just visits rather than regular childcare. I think to just use your mum and then a nursery, when your dh's mum has specifically asked if she can do childcare too, is a recipe for family stress all round.

You could tell your MIL that you want him to be sociable and play with other children, which I think is a good reason for putting a child in nursery. I think your reasons for not asking her are valid.

You are trying to please everyone, but what you want sounds perfect to me. It is so difficult going back to work after having a baby, you really need to be confident that your son is receiving the best possible care. Nothing else matters, imo. And you are the best person to judge, so what you (and your husband says goes!

Don't talk about it with your mil or in front of her. Just present her with your (joint) decision. You do not have to justify yourselves to her.

My lovely daughter in law was very firm with me, right from the beginning, and although I might have felt hurt at the time, I don't now. I trust her to know what is best for her family. And it really doesn't matter if you hurt a grandparent's feelings once in a while. They'll get over it.

I would say to your DH that you do trust your mum more htan MIL and explain why. I would never leave DS with my mum, but would with MIL (although we use a nursery).

Then with MIL, say that you didn't think she wanted to do childcare, as she has such a full life you'd hate to limit her free time and limit her holidays to when you are away , and your mum isn't as sociable so would fit in better, but you were thinking of asking her if she'd be the 'first point of call for the nursery if DS is ill or if you aren't able to get back in time for pick up (such as train problems, snow etc).

My MIL is 10 years younger than my Mum (mid 50s and mid 60s). My dh would not be comfortable with my Mum/parents looking after our dc until they are of an age where they don't need constant supervision.

I have more faith in Mum and Dad but of course respect my dh's wishes as it pertains to the safety our our dc. My parents are very easy going and see any time spent with their gc as a blessing.

Rambling now but I say YANBU. I would not be able to concentrate at work if I had any worries about the care of my dc.

Oh, and we use a nursery. Mil has not retired and my lovely parents deserve to take a break in their retirement.

I think your mum being 15 years younger makes a lot of difference. Could you say youd love to use her help once DC is old enough to not need constant following around/attention?

the choking incident would have done it for me, very paranoid mummy here when it comes to feeding babies! the utmost care and attention is needed if you ask me. i think you need to have a word with her about that, just say your son hasn't quite grasped the hang of chewing competently yet and you want him supervised at all times, maybe even give her a list of foods she can and cannot give whenever she is in charge of him.

on paper it doesn't sound very fair, but i know you have your reasons. if i were her i would probably be offended. can you maybe explain to her that you feel it's easier for your mum to see to the childcare whilst you work, but would MIL mind taking your son a couple of times a month overnight to give you and DH some quality time together? you could drop him off around 5.30pm after his dinner and pick him up around 11am the next morning so that it's not too much for her, but she's still getting some quality time.

or how about you put your son in nursery for one a half days and your MIL picks him up after lunch on his half day and has him for the afternoon til you pick him up from work?

you're npt being fair, but you already know that

also this will cause resentment and problems for years to come

depends if saving a few quid over paying a nursery is worth it for you

you have a valid point. grandma is too old for the job. baby needs to be safe.

You have specifically chosen one gran over the other

I would maybe see if you can negotiate that she has him for an afternoon a week or fortnight - but not two full days. My PILs have DD (who's now 2) for one day each week (initially when I went back to work when she was 1, but this continued at their request when I left the job). My own DMum has DD for a few hours here and there (with help from my DSis usually) but I wouldn't (and didn't) ask her to have her regularly for a full day because she's 73 (PILs are both 60 - so similar age difference as between your DMum and your MIL - and plus there's 2 of them, which makes it easier!) and it would be too much for her. To my knowledge, she doesn't feel slighted by this because she knows herself it would be very very hard for her to manage with DD for a full day.

I think you need to have a conversation with her and maybe couch it in terms of, 'I wouldn't want to be cheeky, and I know it's an enormous commitment which is why I didn't ask' etc - then work out what you would be happy with (if she had him for an afternoon, would she be able to collect him from nursery at lunch time or something, for example?) If you act very grateful for her help and try to work out something that 'would not impose too much' then maybe you can negotiate an arrangement that everyone can be happy with?

Or could MIL do babysitting at nightime as you say you live very close to her. Less tiring with sleepy (hopefully) baby. You could stress how lovely it is to go out with her lovely DS.

YANBU - you can say you don't want to wear her out as you are hoping to be able to use her for cover as and when needed, and the odd babysitting bit.
I don't think there are many 70yr olds who have the energy to be a CM for 2 days a week (I know someone will come along and tell us about their 87 yr old gran who copes very well... tis the way of MN)

Op you have my sympathy. My mil and mum are the same age. My Mum is fit and able. My mil isn't and can't lift heavy things, especially wriggly babies.

So my Mum looks after my baby sometimes (not as regular childcare, am still on ml) and my mil doesn't look after him alone. She has asked of she can and I was honest and said no because I would be concerned for her safely and the baby's safety. She understood. It's hard though.

I have a good relationship with my mil but trust my parents implicitely and also trust them to feed him well, engage him with toys etc. If I'm completely honest, I don't 100% trust my pil in the same way. But I know that's just because they're not MY parents and I know I have to get over it!

But again op, you have my sympathies

Op - how well do your mil and mother get on? Could your mother spend a morning or afternoon with your mil when she's looking after your baby? Might that work?