About my MIL and childcare?

[Glitterkitten24]

Hello ladies,

This is my first post here so please be kind. I'm really not sure if IABU and am after opinions, so am perfectly ready to be told I am U if that's what you think.

So my H is the youngest of 4 boys, so obviously in my MIL opinion I have stolen her precious youngest son and therefore can do no right. I get on ok with her generally but she has a good line in subtle put downs which her sons (all of them) think is 'just her senses of humour.

When we've been at her house in the past and my nieces and nephews are there I often see her doing things/ feeding them things that their parents say no to .ie 'have another packet of crisps but don't tell your mum'.
I know there is an element of being spoilt at grannies so never thought much of it.

My son was born this year and I will be retuning to work full time in a couple of months. My mum will be looking after DS for most of the week, and I want to put DS in nursery for the other two days per week. My H however had a conversation with his mum and she was apparently hurt that we didn't ask her. The reason I didn't ask her is cos she is getting on a bit (seventies) and has a poorly knee, so I guess I thought it would all be to much for her.

The problem is I really don't want to leave DS with her.
Shes had him overnight a couple of times and has basically disregarded everything we told her. He goes to bed at 7pm, she sat up with him watching a film til 10pm and then put him in his cot when he fell asleep in her arms.
She left him in his high hair with a full rice cracker and then left the room and he started chocking (not been weaned long, can't chew well so really needs to be supervised).

I can just imagine DS being out of his routine for two days every week, and me and H having to deal with the fallout on the other days when he's overtired ect.
And I can't get the 'don't tell your mum' conversations out of my head, I can just imagine her feeding him all sorts of junk and me not knowing.

Sorry it's so long, it's difficult to be succinct and avoid drip feeding at the same time!

So please let me know if I am being hopelessly PFB or if I actually have a valid point.

TYIA.

Jumping that was harsh, and that's coming from me.

OP just do what you feel is right. In all fairness I wouldn't want her looking after my child if I were you. It sounds awful but she's a seventy year old woman for one, that has its massive dangers, and she seems to be disregarding what you say. I'm all for getting treated and a bit spoiled when kids visit grandparents, but if stayin with gran is a regular thing then this can't happen.

I think at her age, and with a bad knee, once your child is walking and running she will struggle. I would go straight to nursery, but still allow plenty of access at other times. I recommend emphasising the positives of nursery - social contact with other children, challenging structured activities etc

Lots of pros and cons to weigh up.

Clearly if GM does things that you feel are actually unsafe (e.g. leaving PFB to choke on a cracker), then that's a problem. If she just doesn't stick to your PFB routine (which we have all had, so no criticism implied there, just the benefit of hindsight), then less of an issue.

The fact that she is in her 70s might mean that as a childcare provider she is less reliable than a nursery place - health issues / fatigue may mean that she is unable to cope as well as she and you would like.

However, IMHO, all things being equal, there is no replacement for childcare with a loving relative, doing the job for love not minimum hourly wages. That said, I'd have put DSs in a good nursery rather than with a relative who didn't give them the type of care I thought was appropriate.

So basically, what I think I'm saying is, probably a bit unfair expecting a woman in her 70s to do provide 2+ days a week childcare, and if you're not happy with her style of childcare, then use a good nursery or childminder. If granny wants to be involved with the grandchildren, no reason why not to invite her round for lots of lunches and teas, days out, bedtime stories & babysitting etc.

It's difficult when grandparents are different and you want to be fair but it's worth remembering just because they are GPs doesn't mean they are the same. They have different personalities and capabilities. Play to their strengths, is there something else that your MIL can do with or for you DS that your mum can't. Then instead of finding excuses (no matter how valid they are) for why she can't do your childcare, you can focus on something positive she can contribute instead.
I'm the other way round my MIL is brilliant at looking after DS, she finds him tiring but shes pretty good at keeping up with him and spoils him rotten (she doesn't look after him on a regular basis, only as extra or when she wants to). My mum has offered but is barely able to look after herself let alone an active 4yo. (slightly older than MIL but in far poorer physical and mental health, early stage memory issues). We have only left DS with her once (for 30mins) but it was such a disaster we have avoided doing it since. So we look at what she can do to be part of his life and use that to deflect the inevitable offers to come and look after him.
It does require some effort & diplomacy on our part but so far has kept everybody happy.

Welcome to the land of granny wars! I am feeling slightly nauseous just reading this as I've been on the receiving end of it for nearly 8 years now.

Take your time to decide what to do and make sure it is what it right for you and your child but do try and keep everyone on side if you can. I know it is really tricky but however this issue pans out could well set a precedent for the rest of your DS's childhood and believe me that is something you don't want to be dealing with on a regular basis.

FWIW I don't think the occasional extra choccie bar or sofa night hurt, but I think you are absolutely within your rights to be concerned about your MIL's age, health, stamina and the chocking incident.

How about you explain that although you want her to have a great relationship with your DS, you are concerned about her. Perhaps he could go to nursery for the time being, and she could spend short times with him here and there (maybe a couple of hours while you and DH go shopping, for instance) to see how she copes, with a view to her maybe having him 1 or 2 half-days when he's a bit older and easier to manage (less lifting, chasing, changing, more able to eat independently).

And to the poster who have said OP is actively choosing one GP over the other - there is really nothing wrong with doing this if it is for good reasons and her family's best interests.

Yanbu, if you don't feel comfortable, don't leave dc with mil.

As she's local, why not book your LO into just a morning session at nursery and then get MIL to collect her at lunchtime? This way she gets to spend regular quality time with her without the intensity of a full day.

The fact you didn't even ask screams out that you don't trust her & I would be feeling very offended (& 70 really isnt that old is it???)

How old is your son, OP?

We're 65, and fit - and it takes both of us to look after our grandson (now 17 months) for two days a week. Your MIL is kidding herself if she think she can cope. On the odd day when I mind him alone, I am worn out at the end of the day - mind you, we walk miles with him and keep him very busy - and this is a baby who still has regular naps.

In our case, I'm the MIL - the baby's other granny (late 70s) did her share of minding other grandchildren and is relieved she's not doing it this time - she told me, with a laugh. We all like and respect each other and she is no less his granny just because she's not doing the day-to-day care.

Lifting and carrying a toddler and generally having eyes in the back of your head are essential; if she isn't worried about all that, she's being unrealistic.

Ignore the pfb accusations - all children should be precious, first-born or not. Your child's safety and needs are more important than granny's need to prove a point and if she loves him, she will want what's best for him.

I agree to ignore the PFB accusations - you wouldn't leave your DS with a childminder you didn't think was up to the job, so why should you put him with MIL if you don't think he'll be safe? Would anyone really leave this DC 2 days a week with someone they didn't think could look after them safely just to avoid hurting the feelings of that adult? Really? That's crap parenting.

Does your MIL really want to have the time with DS or is it just that she doesn't want your mother to have the 1;1 time?

Gah I just wrote a big long reply and my iPad ate it, grrr!

Thank you for all the replies, it's good to hear different opinions as me and H are at a bit of a stalemate and I started to wonder if I was just being U.
It's great to hear from some grandparents too from another perspective.

If I'm 100% honest I do feel more comfortable leaving my DS with my mum as I know that he'll be properly entertained, fed etc.
I know it sounds like I'm favouring one GM over the other but the situations are so different with regards to health ect that I've got to take those into account.

If MIL was fit then I would have asked if she'd have liked to help out but it didn't cross my mind that she'd want to, she has a busy social life, visits all the other family very regularly ect. I mean I know she loves seeing him but she's never indicated that she'd like to help out on a regular basis, whereas my mum volunteered almost as soon as DS was born.

My mum and MIL would chat if they met up, but are not particularly close so not sure if MIL helping mum out would work, but is worth considering.

I think a good solution might be to have DS in nursery for two half days in the morning. Then maybe MIL could have him for the two afternoons and hopefully H or I will be home before DSs dinner time. I think that's the angle I might go to H with when we chat.

Babyboomers - my son is 7 mo, will be 9 mo when I return to work.

Lechatnoir - it's not so much her age as her health. No, 70 isn't necessarily old these days!

TY all, youve given me lots to think about!

Don'tmind- I think she definitely does want to spend time with DS, but if she didn't know my mum was looking after him for part of the week, I think MIL would be happy seeing him ad hoc rather than providing regular childcare iykwim?

Both grannies see DS very regularly, we all live in the same town, and since I'm on mat leave I'm at both their homes at least once per week, usually more.

op, one more thing

I hope you realise the extremely fortunate position you are in, both grannies want to help, one especially able to, one on babysitting at night stand by, lots of family support

please remember lots of us don't have any support at all and would kill to have your problems

if you meet some of us in the future, and you will, cut them a bit of slack, they havent the choices you have

good luck in your deciscon

Ssd I know, I'm very aware if how lucky we are to have willing grandparents who are in a position to help us out.

I think you should have a proper chat with your MIL.

I can see why she might be put out.. she sees you letting your DM have a lot of access to her DGS, and you have assumed without asking her that she would not be capable or wanting to be involved. She may have been planning to free sometime up each week.

The DIL / MIL relationship can be tricky as you are naturally closer to your own family, so you need to work at it and see things from her point of view.

Your solution to let her look after DS in the afternoons sounds sensible.

I remember being just as concerned as you are about leaving my PFB with my MIL, but looking back, I should have realised that she had succesfully raised 3 DC of her own, and that babies are surprisingly astute... they learn very quickly that a routine at one house may be different to a routine at their GP.

And the baby won't be a baby for long! They do get much easier to look after when you don't have to lug pushchairs and car seats around and lift them up etc. Plenty of time for both grannies when he's older.

Good luck!

I just want to point out that my mum travelled over an hour by train to look after my DS one day a week while I worked for two years when she was in her mid 70s.

So being elderly doesn't mean incapable