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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry to post this on here need quick help!

82 replies

DozyDuck · 27/07/2012 13:20

DS (ASD) has just escaped out of the car while I was getting in, ran into next doors garden, grabbed their gnome and threw it into the next garden along. It smashed all over the floor. I got DS into the house and am now upstairs with him. I don't know what to do!

I don't think they're in but there is a smashed gnome in someone's drive and if I try to get out there with DS to clear it he's bound to get away and do it again :,(

I'll obviously pay for a new gnome but what if it had some sort of personal value??? What if someone gets hurt on the glass? I'm stuck inside with DS in full meltdown :,( I feel awful!

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 27/07/2012 15:00

*how's

sugarice · 27/07/2012 15:02

It's awful that because your Son is considered high risk you're getting less support than other children when you and him need it more. You mustn't settle for this, think about the future,you and your boy will need help and support as he gets bigger and stronger.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 27/07/2012 15:04

He's playing with his sensory toys now but if I move he screams so looks like im here for the duration.

Just been online to see about buying a replacement and looked out the window to see what their gnomes looked like and they're all gone.

They can't even have their garden how they want it Sad

OP posts:
Lovelynewboots · 27/07/2012 15:07

Hi Dozy, try not to worry about your neighbours. I am sure they sympathize. Just send him a note like you said. Sending you Thanks

griphook · 27/07/2012 15:14

You sound like a fab mum, and in all honesty I'd rather have someone like yourself who is concerned about their neighbours rather than some who you read about. Much rather have a kid throw a gnome than people smoking weed and drinking in the street.

The neighbour sounds like my dad, he wouldn't have a clue what to do if he saw someone crying. He'd just pretend he hadn't seen. Also he would move the gnomes, not because he is cross but to try to help it not happen again iyswim.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 27/07/2012 15:20

I know they haven't moved them to be funny I just feel so guilty that they can't have things how they want them.

OP posts:
Margerykemp · 27/07/2012 15:27

How on earth do you cope with day to day life? My hand goes up for you, I doubt I'd cope as well.
Surely you deserve help?

FrankieAndArthur · 27/07/2012 15:44

You sound amazing and my heart also goes out to you.
A lovely note would be my next step. I would ask for their patience and understanding in what sounds like a really tough situation

It is hard to know what is someone else's head but despite a tricky start they may have moved the Gnomes out of sympathy.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 27/07/2012 15:56

I cope because he's usually in school a lot in the week. And he isn't usually this bad tbh. I think it's the summer anxiety stuff. But all support goes out of the window in the summer holidays. Friends either work or go away. DSs grandad usually has him Fridays for a couple of hours but he's going away for the next couple of weeks as well, his dad is away and all most of the summer as his partner is a teacher so they only have the school holidays.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2012 15:58

I agree that they may have moved the gnomes to protect your DS from hurting himself.

Crockery can break into shards that need removing if it enters the skin, so it would be very stressful if your DS stood on bits that were broken.

Decent people make allowances for their neighbours situation.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2012 16:00

Are you in Liverpool? Have you had a referal to the Disability team, or any SN groups?

Lucyellensmum99 · 27/07/2012 16:14

I couldnt not post, even though i dont have any helpful advice :( I just wanted to say - you are amazing!

The only little bit of advice i can offer is give your neighbours information about ASD? maybe write them a note explaining why he can be difficult and thanking them for being so understanding.

I can't believe that SS are just effectively letting you get on with it, just because you are a caring and able mum - you are human! FFS. So Angry on your behalf. I wish i could offer some words to help you i really do, but i don't have any experience. I just know that if you were my neighbour and you had explained the situation i would try my utmost to be understanding and accomodating. As someone said, they may have moved the gnomes (which are athe work of the devil, im with your DS on that one!!) for safety sake. And really, in the scheme of things, having to relocate the gnomes is not such a big deal for them, im sure they don't mind.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 27/07/2012 16:29

Thank you. I hope that's why they moved them. I'm in Lancashire not Liverpool. We were referred to the learning disability nurse. SS was the complex needs team as it isn't just his autism, he has quite nasty neuro regression and some physical issues as well.

Thanks everyone for your support. Just having a bad day. Sometimes I long to just be able to go to the park and play without stressing about gnomes or cars or other children being hurt Sad I had to take him off a roundabout today because other children got on and I just can't trust him not to hurt them if they get in his personal space.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2012 16:48

I only asked because i am in Liverpool and my DD has moderate LD's, some of the children that attend her friendship groups have very high care needs, so it is rubbish that you don't have that support where you live.

So much for "Aiming High For Disabled Children".

OhThisIsJustGrape · 27/07/2012 16:53

Well firstly, can I say ou sound like you're doing a fantastic job and my word, you're so young!

I too had my DS at 17 and it is so hard, a lot harder than you ever imagine it will be. To then add SN into the equation MIT make it doubly harder. My heart goes out to you an I can't believe how little support there is for families in your situation :(

I do wonder if writing a note to each of the neighbours might be a good idea. There is so much ignorance surrounding SN and the daily difficulties faced by people just like you and your son. I'd bet my last pound that some of the neighbours think your son just needs a firm hand etc (that is, of course unless you've already explained). A few lines explaining his SN may help them be more tolerant and supportive onwards you both.

Look on the bright side though - one less gnome in the world can only be a Good Thing Grin

OhThisIsJustGrape · 27/07/2012 16:54

Oh fgs, please excuse the multiple typos. On phone!

Original poster
DozyDuck · 27/07/2012 17:05

I don't think they're aiming high for disabled children at all at the moment here Sad but we do our best.

When the neighbours first moved in a went out to warn them. I told them basically that he wasn't dying or being beaten to death he just screams a lot. Their dad was there and said he had another grandchild with autism and 'they can bloody yell can't they' so I'm hoping that set of neighbours do understand.

The other side does to an extent... But he's 89... I doubt I'm going to ever convince him that DS doesn't just need 'a good slap' but tbh the man on that side has episodes where he's really lovely and episodes where he is totally horrible and seems to have totally lost all his social skills Sad so I'm giving him as much understanding as I'd expect for DS.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 27/07/2012 17:23

I am humbled by your capacity for caring and compassion. You are an inspiration.

TooManyDaisies · 27/07/2012 17:34

Op, I have no advice but wanted to say that you have a fantastic attitude. You are treating your neighbours as you would like to be treated.

Sorry things are tough. I hope your evening gets better.

LemarchandsCoxlessPair · 27/07/2012 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovebunny · 27/07/2012 21:05

i'd want to know what the gnome did to provoke that. not in an accusing way, just to know for future reference. and so i could avoid gnomes if need be.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 28/07/2012 10:05

I don't think it was the gnome lovebunny DS is going through a phase where he is throwing things over other stuff, fences mainly. I'm trying to get him to throw stuff over the trampoline enclosure instead so he can still do it but not in a naughty way but I think he likes the reaction he gets when things are thrown and the noise it makes.

He was really pleased with the smashing sound it makes and he has been echoing that sound ever since. He doesn't understand that it's going to upset someone else, I've tried to explain that but it's hard as he can't emphasise anyway but he wouldn't care if it was one of his things that was smashed so he's not going to understand that someone else cares iyswim.

DSs dad decided to postpone the holiday till Monday for some unknown reason (maybe he has a MN accountWink) so I got a good sleep last night and a day off to sort out the house today. Smile

Spoke to neighbour again (found him on fb) and I asked him to tell me where to buy another gnome and explained that if I went out to clear it up DS would have got another gnome. Neighbour said it was fine and he appreciates the fact that I told him. I suppose I could have just feigned ignorance but I wouldn't want them thinking someone had it in for them or blaming the neighbours the other side as it was in their drive. Plus I just wouldn't ever do that.

OP posts:
LemarchandsCoxlessPair · 28/07/2012 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 28/07/2012 13:27

I wonder what would happen if you turned around and told SS that you can't cope anymore, would they suddenly find funding for him so that they didn't have to fund him going into care?

It makes me so angry that they refuse to give you help. If he needs 2:1 support at school how are you supposed to look after him 1:1 at home and get some sleep...

You're a fantastic mum, try and find the energy to fight for the support you need.

ImperialBlether · 28/07/2012 14:14

You sound like an amazing mum. You must feel under so much pressure. I was furious when you said his dad was going away for the summer. I hope he shares the care with you.

School holidays must be a nightmare for children who need strict routine.