AIBU Lending baby clothes

[Janoschi]

Okay. This probably sounds hugely ungrateful but here goes.

A distant friend had a baby about 9 or 10 months before I did. I met up with her and her husband many months later, when my DD was 4 or 5 months old, and they kindly passed on a few bits. A padded suit and a few bibs. I thanked her very much and we used the bibs but not the suit.

A very poor friend then had a baby and I passed her the suit because she was struggling so much financially.

A few days ago, out of the blue, the first friend asks for the padded suit and the bibs back. I was a bit floored by this because I was never told it was a loan. I thought she was passing things to me in the same way that I passed on my own baby things, just to help out each other. The suit I sort of understood, but the bibs I just find utterly ridiculous. Who wants 3rd hand dribbled on, stained bibs for their baby?

Just wondered if it's me being daft or her? I'd feel awful saying I'd passed on the suit to a desperately poor friend, and I'd feel worse giving back 2 or 3 old bibs. This first friend isn't poor, by the way.

What do I do?

Just be honest - "So sorry, I misunderstood - never realised that you wanted them back and i've actually passed the padded suit on to a friend. Shall I ask for it back?" Hopefully this might make her think again but you might just have to suck it up and offer to pay/get it back for her. Personally, I'd always assume that things were being GIVEN rather than LENT but I do tend to check (keeing tabs on who's lent what is too much of a pain in the neck) and always make it very clear when I pass stuff on that I don't want it back.

Well she is being very silly about the bibs, ime they rarely last one child never mind two or three!

The suit is different and i would have assumed it was a lend (but thats because I have been caught out myself). We have a snowsuit that was chosen by my then 15 year old sister for my son. Each of my children have worn it on their journey home from hospital, even the summer born one, I used it as a car seat liner! The only one that didnt was homebirthed DD and she wore it (as a pram liner) on her first outing. all that said, I wouldnt lend it, but I am trying to illustrate emotional attachments to things.

In your situation I would buy your struggling friend a new suit in the next size and explain what happened and would she mind giving it back to you please?

You're both making sense.

The trouble with being honest is that she'll probably say yes, ask her to return it. She's a bit materialistic - the birth announcement for her child was accompanied by a list of baby items she wanted from people, not cheap stuff but things costing around £70. I'm really on the breadline and that's why I try to pass things on, because I know how much it helps....

I also think the bib thing is just plain silly.

Oh what to do?

The bib thing is ridiculous, but why not ask your other friend for the suit back? I doubt she'll be using it much at the moment anyway

I had the same with my friend. I gave he'd some stuff including some expensive. I did ask for the expensive back but she had passed it on. I was a bit but now I think oh well. She is a great friend and not worth falling out with. Tell her the bibs were a state but maybe replace the suit?

When people passed things on to me I always checked whether they were a gift or a loan. When I passed things on I always stated clearly if I wanted them back (another child may yet be conceived and there are some "favourite" pieces of clothing that I'm happy to see used in the interim but will want back)

tbh I think you should have checked before passing on a more expensive item like the padded suit - but I agree with you about the bibs, no-one should expect them to be usable for multiple babies.

buy her some new bibs. tell her you didn't realise she wanted the suit back and you've passed it on.

i lent an expensive and beautiful cot to a friend's sister. definitely lent it. as in, when you've finished with it, i'll have it back. never saw it again. that's how it goes.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to loan baby clothes when they get spoiled so easily. I've never expected anything back, either. Good friends are worth being honest with, though.

The situation was that we met up in a cafe and she produced a bag with the suit and bibs and said 'we thought you might like these'. I never asked for the stuff and she never said it was a loan. As I said, the suit never even fitted from the get go but I thought 'oh, she must be having a clear out', as it's easy to run out of space.

My old baby stuff is always given away or charity shopped so I guess I just assumed. I guess I was a bit because she's pretty well off (inherited house in London, both working in media) and also had the cheek to ask me for a 70 quid baby gift. I assumed this was their present back...

tbh she doesnt sound very nice if her idea of a birth announcement is to include a v expensive gift list, and then didnt even give you a gift back! i know you dont give to receive but still........

I would just be honest with her, replace the bibs and offer to retrieve the suit. As it's finally summer I doubt your less well-off friend is using it anyway.

People really should only give what they can stand to lose.

My friend has just had a little baby and we passed on most of our baby clothes for her. Anything we wanted to keep for any future.dc we kept.

Well, I think honesty is the way to go too: you haven't done anything wrong here. Just say: 'I didn't realise that the suit and the bibs were on loan - you never told me that you would want them back. I've used the bibs, so they're quite stained now and once my baby outgrew it, I passed on the suit to a friend of mine who is very badly off and found it a godsend.' End of statement.

I wouldn't offer to do anything at all and see what she says. She'd have to be very mean to say something like 'oh, well can you see about getting the suit back off your friend' and not a friend at all if she makes any noises about replacing them. I would calmly and honestly tell her what you have done (without mentioning that you never used the suit yourself) and see what she suggests.

I think replacing the bibs is crazy. You could have just bought new ones for your own LO in the first place in that scenario, instead of using second-hand ones for your child and then handing over a packet of new ones to this friend. Surely that cannot possibly be what she wants. Bibs get stained. If she wants them back (clean but stained) give them to her.

In context of how it was given then she is out of order asking for it back there was no indication it was a loan.

I'm same as you op my work colleague had inherited about 3 black bin liners full of clothes from my DS over the last few months As it was that or charity shop. I'd never expect any of it back

Also it's a bit weird to me that ur friend would loan out bibs and even a suit to more than 1 person.

If someone gives something on loan it should be handed over with "I'll take them back when you don't need them anymore". otherwise I would always assume they are for keeps. i personally wouldn't lend baby clothes and expect them back, I always "pass on" and it's great to know that they will go to a new home and get use. I have lent equipment such as moses baskets/cots/car seats but 9 times out of 10 I didn't get them back! They were handed with a very clear message about returning them, but you live and learn.

Just be totally honest and tell her that as you pass on stuff, you thought she was doing the same. For goodness sake who asks for bibs back???

I always say "here are some clothes for your baby/child, its stuff i no longer need, please feel free to do with them what you want".
Likewise if someone has sent a bag of clothes and i finish with them, i say "i have finished with x what would you like me to do with them".

But this does remind me of a very good friend (who always buys posh next stuff, where as i buy asda and tesco). Her daughter is exactly 12 months older than my daughter. Everytime i go round and she lets me in - while i am taking my coat off, she looks outside and says "oh they came for that charity bag full of daughters clothes". Drives me mad. as she then says " oh i shold have let you have look first" xxx

I would've thought the same as you - that they were a gift.
But having seen several of these threads I now always check with the original donor before I pass stuff on.
It seems this misunderstanding goes on quite a lot.

I think women sometimes regret losing clothes later - I know I've thought 'oh if only I hadn't chucked out that grey cardigan (5 yrs go), I'd have something to wear today'.

Own up and say you are terribly sorry but you didn't realise they were a loan. Then offer to buy them a brand new baby suit when their baby is born. Or if they are wanting to pass the items on to another friend, offer to find second hand replacement items in your next NCT sale.

I've learnt to ask 'what shall I do when he's out grown them?''

She could be worse. I recall someone elsewhere being lent a Medela Swing pump then being told that the lender expected her to buy a NEW one rather than give the borrowed one back. She wouldn't accept having the bits that come into contact with the milk replaced and having her own motorised bit back, she wanted a complete brand new one in return for the one she had lent out. Now THAT is batshit crazy.

Anyway, I would apologise and say I didn't realise she had wanted them back and would replace them.

I have kept all the clothes I was given for my DTs and maternity clothes in case I am asked for them back. Just to avoid such a situation

Bibs though - no I would have assumed she would not want these back

Oh golly.

I think you have to be honest and say that you gave it to a struggling friend as you thought it was a gift to you, and you no longer needed it.

I would probably feel compelled to offer to replace it, which being your friend's will probably cost you quite a lot - was it a very expensive one?

Is there any chance your other friend will have finished with it - could you perhaps mention this to her and ask for it back?

I hate the lending of baby items. I was lent some maternity clothes once and they stayed in their bag, waiting till I was no longer pregnant and could return them in the same condition - I was sure I would get them marked or something, I can't bear the stress of having to give something back.

Someone else passed on a huge amount of baby clothes to me, and insisted they were a gift, and to use what I wanted, but then demanded them back to give to another friend a few months later.

You can't win...I swapped in some of mine, for the ones I had used and got dirty. Now I think if someone offers me any I will just say no, thankyou, we have saved everything from our previous children.

Babies DO get things dirty, they poo on them, they are sick on them, imo it is a bit odd to have a lending arrangement for these items unless you have no emotional attachment to them whatsoever.

I also wonder if those of us who have lent car seats, cots and so on have not had them back purely because they were too dirty and stained to be given back!

I've never managed to maintain a clean car seat, or pram, myself...it's just impossible. and to give something back in a state would be terrible.

if someone lends you something, they make it clear that they want it back when you've finished with it.