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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding

57 replies

notaceleb · 27/07/2012 00:28

this is a difficult one I will try not to drip feed and I firstly do recognise that everyone has the absolute right to invite whoever they want to their wedding and it is their day, but I feel a bit hurt and upset at not being invited. Its a bit of AIBU and WWYD

My cousin is getting married and has not invited any of his 5 cousins including me and my ds, I would consider us to be a close family we used to all spend a lot of time together up until a few years back we all lived close and saw loads of each other but as we got jobs, got married, had kids etc we moved away and we all obviously saw less of each other,but kept in touch via facebook

The wedding is a big do, money no object and here is why I am upset, cousin is quite high up in his job and well known in his field he mingles with a lot of celebs, he has invited them to the wedding even though they are not friends as such, and has only invited 4 family members, outside of his immediate family. I feel like he is saying we are not good enough and I feel very hurt. One of our other cousins is very upset as he was very/is close to him. There have been no arguments, or problems so no real reason for excluding us all,we all get on with his fiancee and like her, and thought she liked us. so AIBU to feel hurt and upset and wwyd, would you say anything or just leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
notaceleb · 27/07/2012 08:29

jumping that is really awful to be treated in that way, I would rather not be invited

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 27/07/2012 08:34

Weddings are about your future together, not about each persons personal past. Maybe they just feel that extended family are in the past.....

What a sad and cold way of looking at life. Family are part of who you are and always will be. They are your roots and history and often will outlast friendships. (unless you are estranged, but OP obviously isn't)

FWIW- I am proud of all my family and even at their drunken embarrassing worst, they are good enough for any sleb or VIP and I would never keep them apart.

OP YANBU. Your cousin has sold out.

Original poster
notaceleb · 27/07/2012 12:27

thanks YouOld you have said how I feel family is and how I thought we were

Family are part of who you are and always will be. They are your roots and history and often will outlast friendships

I am proud of all of my family and their achievements including him, its sad to feel that he doesnt appear to feel the same

OP posts:
AKMD · 27/07/2012 12:31

YANBU but I would go with the nice card thing and rise above it. I bet they will both regret this when they look back.

ViviPru · 27/07/2012 13:12

If he's your cousin, I'm guessing yours and his parents are related? (I know- obvious question, but one should never assume anything on AIBU!) So your parents aren't invited? I'm curious, what's their take? Do you speak to his his parents much? I wonder what they make of it?

Forgive me if either yours or his parents are deceased and this is an insensitive question.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/07/2012 13:14

Nota -when did you last see your cousin?

Bongaloo · 27/07/2012 13:22

How do you get on with his fiancee?

Keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 27/07/2012 13:23

I would probably be a bit upset in your situation, but I wouldn't say or do anything about it except maybe send them a congratulations card for their wedding day. (no present though!)

YouOldSlag · 27/07/2012 16:48

Vivi makes a good point- are uncles and aunts going?

Keepthechange also has a good plan- send a really lovely card. Put moving and well thought out kind words in it and they will feel guilty as hell (or they ought to!)

Original poster
notaceleb · 27/07/2012 17:13

Vivi my parents are not going, they speak every few days to his parents and see each other every 4-6 weeks, his parents retired to the coast. Parents are annoyed and a bit offended

Betty it has been about 5 months but spoke a few weeks back just catch up chat about topical stuff no mention of wedding

Bong we get on well, I think we like her and she seems to like us

I have decided its not really fair on them to say anything, as it will either upset them and make them feel shit or annoy them and it is their day and their decision. I will send a nice card from the pound shop or wilkinsons and leave the price on

OP posts:
Original poster
notaceleb · 27/07/2012 17:15

that should read we get on well I think, we like her

OP posts:
ViviPru · 27/07/2012 17:16

Thanks for clarifying, I wondered if they would be snubbed too. Seems your cousin really has made a rather far-reaching gesture by not inviting members of his family. If he's as lovely as you say he is then he will probably be conscious of this and not feeling too good about it, but probably feels pressured into it for whatever reason. If so he will be grateful for a card and congratulations from you OP :)

maybenow · 27/07/2012 17:18

it's a 'show wedding' rather than a family wedding - i would not be upset or feel personally snubbed, it's not about you at all (as all family have been treated the same).

on the other hand, i would revise my general opinion of a family member who wanted this kind of showy social-climbing type wedding without family there and just lose a bit of respect for them Sad

EdithWeston · 27/07/2012 17:24

Well, as he hasn't invited any of his cousins, you are not being singled out in any way.

How do you know so much about the others on the guest list?

nickelbarapasaurus · 27/07/2012 17:26

my mum told me not to invite any cousins at all.

DH was allowed to invite his cousin.
but we mainly invited invited siblings and nieces/nephews

ViviPru · 27/07/2012 17:30

Hmm.. I'm now paranoid the OP is DP's (uninvited-to-our-wedding) cousin, wildly exaggerating the closeness of her relationship to him and labouring under the misapprehension that the assorted jumble of misfits and vagabonds we call friends are actually celebrities Confused

Grin
FedUpOfRain · 27/07/2012 17:34

I don't think you should say anything, like you said its their wedding and they can invite who they like.
My sister is getting married soon and she feels obliged to invite family members she hasnt seen for years and so it means that friends she would like to be at the wedding aren't able to come because there is not enough space. I think thats a bit sad really, you should be able to invite whoever you want and not need to feel guilty about it.

3duracellbunnies · 27/07/2012 17:42

Is it a church wedding? Iirc you cannot have a closed door policy at least for CofE weddings, anyone can go. You can still go to the wedding and give them a shock lovely surprise, then all go for a drink with your family.

Original poster
notaceleb · 27/07/2012 17:43

vivi we were all close I dont think its a misapprehension

fedup that is sad and I would not want him to feel that way about us

OP posts:
ViviPru · 27/07/2012 17:45

I'm sorry, OP, in trying to send myself up I inadvertently implied you weren't as close to them as you said. I didn't mean to. I was just insensitively using you as material for a poorly-pitched funny.

BlueMoon74 · 27/07/2012 17:59

5 cousins isn't five people though is it?! it's probably 10 people plus their kids which could amount to anywhere in the region of 15-20+ numbers in total.

We're planning our wedding guest list at the minute. We can only have 60 people there, and honestly, we've prioritised friends over (distant, sorry but cousins are) family. Our immediate family alone (just parents, siblings, grandparents) is 20..that leaves 40 people, or 20 couples. Or another way of putting it, 10 couples that are 'his' side and 10 that are 'mine'

It could just be that they've agreed, either invite all cousins or invite none (which let's face it, is far more polite than inviting some and not all!)

I only have one cousin. I'm not inviting her because tbh I barely know her. I have never met her husband or her kids.

I want to walk down the aisle and have a meal with people who are part of my day-to-day life - not people who feel a right to be there because of blood ties.

How do you know money is no object?! I really don't see why you are so bothered. :S

YouOldSlag · 27/07/2012 18:36

Well I'm friends with all my cousins and they are all very dear to me. I couldn't imagine not inviting them. We don't see each other very often but there is love there and we are always delighted to catch up.

I think it's sad when cousins are regarded as "distant" and friends given priority over them. Friendships can be fleeting.

Cousins are for life, not just for Christmas!

threefeethighandrising · 27/07/2012 18:44

I hardly have anything in common with my cousins, we only see each other once or twice a year.

But they're definitely on my wedding list, they're family!

In your shoes, where you do actually have a decent relationship, I'd definitely feel miffed.

glastocat · 27/07/2012 18:58

I have over forty cousins. None of them were invited to my wedding. I hate other peoples weddings though so am always glad when I don't get an invite, saves me a fortune!

bobbledunk · 27/07/2012 19:01

If you've only been keeping in contact through facebook then you're not really close anymore, are you? He probably sees far more of these 'celebrities' in his everyday life. It's probably a numbers thing but your comment about 'putting the autograph book away' makes me wonder if he's worried about your response to seeing these people. Perhaps they think you'll embarrass them by pestering their guests for autographs and pictures, making stupid comments and staring? That would make the guests very uncomfortable and could negatively impact his reputation and work.

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