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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do any of your DP's hang out with female friends just the two of them?

29 replies

loveroflife · 26/07/2012 22:43

DP has a friend from school who always keeps in touch with him and wants to meet up.

I've met her a few times, she's fine, a little dull, is single still lives at home with her parents - is 35 wants to be married, kids etc.

She hung around with DP and his friends at school and loved being the only girl in their gang - bit of a tomboy, loves footie etc.

Anyway, she is always the one who texts/emails DP to arrange a get together - just the two of them as the rest of the group has drifted away, but incidentally there was a bbq arranged a while back from one of the other guys but she wasn't invited, nothing sinister, I just think they forgot to include her.

I have digressed but she has come here about 5 times for dinner/drinks - a couple of times I've cooked, but the last three times I've left them to it and gone out myself as they talk about school and quite frankly after an hour I'm bored out of my skull.....I think in all honestly she has a bit of a soft spot for DP and always tells me 'how lovely he was at school' bla bla but DP honestly sees her as one of the lads, she loves DS and says how cute he is etc, how much he looks like his Daddy etc......

DP is as loyal as a dog and always invites her here (to include me) but this time they're going out just the two of them - fine, I get a night in ALONE.

Anyway, I really am not jealous AT ALL but AIBU to think she's a teeny bit odd that she always wants to hang out with DP when he doesn't make the effort with her and she doesn't keep in contact with the other boys?

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 26/07/2012 22:47

She may be a lesbian- there's no reason for you to think she fancies him! She may not have any other friends and feel she has to cling on to the friendship with your DH

GotMyLittleLamb · 26/07/2012 22:50

DH had a friend EXACTLY like this a few years ago, at school together, she was the only girl in the gang. They don't talk now since she came on to him. Well not exactly the same, I was pretty jealous as it seemed like she would go out of her way to plan time just the 2 of them.

Not saying that's what's going on here and obviously your DH sounds lovely and isn't interested but I think your probably right that she has a soft spot for him. On the other hand, she might just be a but lonely and enjoy reminiscing with him, sounds a bit like life hasn't gone to plan as she "wants to get married" etc.

Original poster
loveroflife · 26/07/2012 22:51

I don't think she fancies him, but I just can't imagine me contacting someone so regularly to meet up who has a partner and a baby - that makes me sound really horrible doesn't it, but I just think it's a little odd, I can't put my finger on it.....

OP posts:
Original poster
loveroflife · 26/07/2012 22:53

GotMyLittleLamb - she is always reminiscing, constantly - that's why I make a point of buggering off and leaving them to it, as she doesn't want to talk about anything, never really asks me about anything or wants to talk about wider issues.....

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 26/07/2012 22:54

What's her family set-up, does she have siblings, specifically a brother? If not she may see your DH as a brother, or he may be "better" than her brother if she has one. Not all of us would choose to be friends with our siblings if we weren't related, it could be as simple as that.

smoggii · 26/07/2012 22:54

It sounds like she has a bit of an eye for him but it sounds like it's not reciprocated so i wouldn't worry, if she was going to have her way and your DH wanted to it would have happened years ago.

She probably appreciates that he still gives her some time, especially as she's drifted from her other friends. She knows you and she's always nice and friendly to you, so she doesn't sound like a complete dick so chances are she'll respect your relationship.

My DH had one female friend i wasn't happy about and one that i was fine with from the start but that's because friend 1 was really bitchy to me the first time i met her and and the other was really nice. The two women also knew each other and friend 2 gave me a friendly warning about friend 1. I was right but it's a long story.

Sounds like you're not unhappy about the situation.Trust your gut.

KellyElly · 26/07/2012 22:55

Why not, if it was a mal unmarried friend would you feel the same? You should read some posts on here about DPs and their single sexy female friends sleeping over with each other. Be glad you are included and that she's dull Grin

Original poster
loveroflife · 26/07/2012 22:55

I honestly don't know, I've never asked about siblings or if it has been mentioned I can't remember....

OP posts:
Original poster
loveroflife · 26/07/2012 22:58

I'm not unhappy, I just think it's odd.

I'm included because of DP not her and of course she is nice to me when I serve her a bloody decent supper!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 26/07/2012 23:08

Are they really still spending every get together talking about school? At the age of 35? Hmm

Backtobedlam · 26/07/2012 23:12

I think she sounds a bit odd...I'm sure your dp doesn't have a clue as men rarely realise things like this, but tbh I'd wonder why she was making so much effort. Maybe she's really lonely? Anyone else you know that you could 'introduce' to her with something in common?

Original poster
loveroflife · 26/07/2012 23:16

I'm sure the dog would love a friend puts claws back in

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 26/07/2012 23:55

Yes, my dp has a close female friend who he has gone into business with and spends a lot of time with. I don't find it a problem (and have some close male friends myself).

I'd think it was odd if she kept contacting your dp and he couldn't be bothered with her at all, but it sounds more like they get on when together but she initiates the meeting. I don't think that's odd really.

When you say you think she has a soft spot for your dp, could it just be that she is fond of him in an appropriate way for a friend? I am enormously fond of some of my really old friends, but I don't want to jump into bed with them.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 26/07/2012 23:58

Maybe she isn't happy the way her life is currently and wants to hark back to fonder memories and seeing your DP helps her to do that.

cocolepew · 27/07/2012 00:03

It sounds like shes a bit sad/lonely and likes to reminise about when they were young and had a laugh together. She cant move on. Doesn't your DH get cheesed off talking about the same stuff all the time when he sees her?

cocolepew · 27/07/2012 00:04

Opps xpost

Original poster
loveroflife · 27/07/2012 00:15

No not really, he's pretty tolerant and isn't a critical person so I don't really think he's bothered. She brings it up and he just goes along with it.

I wasn't at school with them so don't care or know anyone or anything, so the conversation isn't valid to me (but she does engineer to be that way and always does look rather pleased that I am off out leaving them to chat)

I honestly am not worried and am sure she wouldn't dream of doing anything if she does like him, but think she may be a bit of a fantasist harking back to the past..I'm sure if I raised it with dp he would howl with laughter at this...

OP posts:
bragmatic · 27/07/2012 07:24

It does sound a bit odd, being so one-way. She's probably lonely.

MammaTJ · 27/07/2012 07:35

She is a desperate woman dying to get her claws in to your DH. She has no social ability and he is the only man she actually can talk to and all she can talk to him about is their school days. She wants the whole marriage and children thing and he is her only perceived route to it.

Your DH is a perfect sweety and a good friend.

I am a cynical old hag!!

NameGames · 27/07/2012 07:39

It's uncommon, but strong bonds can form in school and she probably had a great time and wants to keep hold of a little bit of it (as you say - harking back to the past). If she'd been friends with a bunch of girls it wouldn't seem so odd. Bit sad for her that they leave her out as a group now and she has to do all the work to keep up with even your DH :(

I had a strong mixed group of friends in school, and formed another strong group in my late twenties. From time to time I hang out with some of the men in that group one-on-one. Not nearly as much as the women, but it does happen. My DH hangs out very occasionally with female friends one-on-one, but he's poor at arranging to see friends generally so rarely hangs out with anyone on his own.

FredFredGeorge · 27/07/2012 08:24

I think you're weird to think it odd that someone wants to maintain a friendship when the friend gets married. I find it more odd if someone doesn't, ditching your friends because they get married is bloody weird. I hope you can understand that?

And if you can, then your only complaint is that she's a woman and he's a man and how can they possibly be friends. That's just rude, insulting and bonkers, so YABU.

manicinsomniac · 27/07/2012 08:35

I'm a single mum but I have several married, male friends who I see without their wives on a regular basis. I barely know some of the wives to say hi to.

I hope they don't think I'm being weird and predatory! I have plenty of female friends too, I just don't pay attention to gender when it comes to picking friends and don't see the need to befriend both halves of a couple simply because they are a couple.

I think YABU

Original poster
loveroflife · 27/07/2012 09:16

Thanks for all the responses, my point isn't that it's odd that he's got a female friend, but that it is a one sided 'friendship' as it always her making the effort she obviously doesn't mind though......

DP doesn't seem bothered either way (but never says no to seeing her) he would rather contact one of the guys for a catch up.

I honestly don't think he has ever texted her/emailed her first.......she obviously just loves spending time with him and to be fair, who can blame her!

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 27/07/2012 09:25

Some people don't make any effort at all but still enjoy a friendship. DP has female single friends who he calls all the time - they rarely call him. But they get together and both seem to enjoy each others company. DP knows if he didn't call they never would (same with some male friends).

My only friend is a an ex-boyfriend and when i see him i stay at his flat alone - DP doesn't care and has only met him once.

Also none of DP's friends (male or female) are interested in me in any way. They never ask about me. Same with my friend - he never asks about DP.

AGiraffeUnderTheFloorBoards · 27/07/2012 09:38

Yes my DH does - two in fact from school days. One is unmarried too and I think she lost an ally and supportive friend when DH married me and had DCs. I felt badly for her TBH and think she's lonely. I'm not jealous at all (even though they had a fling long time before me and I suspect she'd have been up for a relationship).

His friendships have not developed into cosy relationship for all of us. They are not the type of women I have as friends and I don't think we'll ever move beyond polite catching up. This honestly isn't because of any prior romance (well not on my part) but because I just don't click with them or fit in with their group dynamic.

I don't want him to give up the friendship at all not least because it dates back 20 odd years and they've all been through a lot together. I just don't need /want to be involved as well.