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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be slightly miffed with DH

67 replies

GingerWrath · 26/07/2012 19:32

He spends a LOT of time away through work and always hasn't done/has done something before he goes that makes my life that mucH harder.

Of the top of my head he went away for 4 months and took his car keys with him so I couldn't keep his car ticking over for him, he took the shed key with him for another 4 monther, in April, so I had no access to the lawn mower.

This time he has left heavy furniture wedged against the dog crate so I can't collapse it to go and stay with my Mum (5 yo dd needs occupying in the school holidays), and he has left his heavy toolbox wedged against the lawn mower so again I have no access!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/07/2012 22:48

I am NOT a helpless lay dee, I am ex forces and used to coping, just fed up with DH making my life alone that much bloody harder!

And you can't empty the toolbox and move it? Confused

Adviceinscotland · 26/07/2012 22:56

When my dh I'd away I get my dad to do all the blokey stuff and get a gardener to cut the grass, so not sure where I fit in here.

I do sniffle a bit when I have to go up the scary attic alone thoughConfused

CommaChameleon · 26/07/2012 23:37

Ginger my DH is off for four months tomorrow and I know how you feel.

It doesn't matter what it is, there's always something that crops up that you could do with them being at home for.

And yes, we knew who we were marrying when we married them but that doesn't mean we can't find it hard without them sometimes. Especially when the trip is unexpected like your DH's or something bad happens right as they are being deployed. Our baby died right before DH was sent abroad for six months and someone did in fact tell me that I knew what I was marrying so shouldn't be upset that he was leaving less than a week after her funeral.

Mine would do the same sort of things as yours too, with the keys or whatever. In fact, there's a bloody massive dismantled wardrobe on our landing right now that he's been promising to move for three weeks and now said to leave until he gets back.

I don't think YABU to feel slightly miffed about these things, they might not be the end of the world issues but they are making your life a bit more difficult than it needs to be. Sometimes I think focusing on the little-but-annoying things helps us cope with the bigger missing-DH-and-very-worried-because-he's-in-a-warzone things. Or the missing-our-birthdays-unexpectedly-because-they've-cocked-up-the-olympics things. That would annoy me, bailing out some incompetent private security firm is not what our armed forces are for and so not what you should have expected when you married him.

You can have one of my very first un-mumsnetty hugs and a Wine .

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 26/07/2012 23:51

OP, I know exactly where you are coming from!

It's not the 'things' that he forgets as such, it's more the principle and the lack of care and thought on his part.

My DH works away, only for a week at a time, but each time he goes he will either forget to do something, or will half do something before he goes, then expect me to pick up the slack. Just little things like putting our garden waste bin out with bits of brick in it so that the bin men won't empty it and it's then too heavy for me to drag back into the driveway, or forgetting to pay a bill before he goes that he said he would sort out, then phoning me on the day we're supposed to pay it and then I have to do it.

YANBU

minimisschief · 27/07/2012 00:12

am i the onl one who thinks this whole thread is made up

510 · 27/07/2012 00:18

Pathetic, utterly pathetic.

MissKeithLemon · 27/07/2012 00:24

Minimischief Hmm

OP - My exP regularly forgets to drop my ds's coat/shoes/any other item back after he's stayed at his. Not life threatening, or even important, but very bloody annoying none-the-less and I am certainly MIFFED about it Wink

YANBU to be miffed, not at all. Before he leaves next time though I'd suggest you run through the list of things he's left you to sort out previously... ask if he has left anything for you this time to 'help you remember' him Grin Might sharpen his mind a bit before leaving you with extra shit to deal with

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 27/07/2012 00:29

minimisschief, what makes you think that?

SoggySummer · 27/07/2012 01:06

Gosh some harsh comments here.

All I can say as a service wife iof almost 20years is that some days even after almost 20years, when they are away its the trivial shit that tips you over the edge. The little things like leaving the lawn mower inaccessable. I expect the OP realises in the big scheme of things that its not the end of the world but on a bad day during deployment - it can be the straw that breaks the camels back.

For me today I was reduced to tears by a simple comment that on a normal day would not have bothered me much at all, but I am having a down crap day todsay so when being told by a so called friend that " I knew what I was marrying into so I should just be able to get on with it" - I cried. And yeah to a point I agree - I did kind of have some idea there would be continued long distance and seperation, worry over their safety, frequent house moves etc but I didnt really realise how crap it could be, not did I realise how fab some aspects of this life can be. Its like motherhood - we all knew it was going to be tough but did we really realise before motherhood exactly how bloody tough it can be and likewise how amazingly wonderful it can be??? Thats what being a service wife is like - you know what your taking on but sometimes it shittier and other times it better.

OP - have a large glass of wine and chill out. Tomorrow go and knock on a neighbours door or ask you POC to come around and help you shift the heavy stuff. Failing that offer the grass mowers a few £££ to cut yours next time they do the common areas on the patch.

bragmatic · 27/07/2012 07:21

Minor irritations are minor, unless they happen all. The. Fucking. Time.

why would you shove heavy furniture up against a dog crate when it was empty?

Original poster
GingerWrath · 27/07/2012 08:32

I can assure you this isn't made up! The furniture against the dog crate is a pine TV stand that when we moved, we had to replace as it was to big for the room. It is waiting to go over to our garage but couldn't while it was raining (the garage leaks), the good weather came just as he was deployed and he was too busy packing to shift it!

I cope with the big stuff all the time, dog dying overnight, having to shield my then 2 year old from the sight until the vet came to collect him, same child contracting suspected swine flu and being confined to the house, some bugger hitting my car outside the house and driving off....

It's the little things that annoy, I never said I was totally helpless, just a bit miffed!

DSIS and BIL are coming down this weekend so will get him to sort the dog crate out for me, will get the local bloke to do the grass when it needs it, can't be arsed to do the mowing anyway!

OP posts:
BambieO · 27/07/2012 08:54

Some harsh comments to Sensual on here, I can see what Sensual is trying to say. It does seem that OP has found small things difficult which can easily be remedied but I can see why these are distressing at a time when DH is away.

I think what sensual might be getting at is rather than picking out small irritations OP can just say 'I miss my DH and am thoroughly fed up today' and that is ok too.

CommaChameleon · 27/07/2012 08:59

Ginger please don't feel you have to explain or justify why you feel the way you do about the little things or the big ones.

Because I think that a lot of people would find them annoying without having to analyse why or phrase it in any way other than you have.

I can remember not long after we were married and we were in married quarters my DH took my keys to work with him as well as his own. I was locked in, late for work and ringing him but he was ignoring his phone because he was busy. It was annoying to say the least and I had to wait an hour for him to bring my keys back.

Taking them for months or having to post them back would be worse!

sensuallettuce · 27/07/2012 09:04

BambieO yes that is exactly what I was trying to say - but you said it so much better Blush.

I was a single mum for 8 yrs before I met OH so am used to doing stuff on my own and getting in with it. It's an added bonus having him here to help, but I cope really well with the practical stuff when he's gone.

The emotional stuff is harder and lonelier and no I am not cold hearted - I just know I have to have a certain amount of resilience to be able to cope.

thebody · 27/07/2012 09:34

Ginger, not sure why some have been so harsh on you. Still if it makes them feel better!!! Bit sad.

I read that you are nearly 40!! Big deal, been there and you are fed up to the back teeth of coping with Dcs by yourself.

You need a mumsnet hug, of course you are coping and will continue to do so but just needed a rant...

Hope Olympics goes well and dh home soon for a reasonable amount of time..

When my dh was in Oz he was skying me, the kitten pooed under the office table and I kept banging my head clearing it up... Very trivial but made me really cry, sometimes it's the little things that upset so much.

You just cope with the big problems.

Chin up.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 27/07/2012 09:50

Oh my god! What is going on here!! So the OP has started a thread because she is a bit pissed off about an inconvenience, isn't that what this forum is for? I think some people got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!!

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 27/07/2012 09:54

And the title said "slightly miffed" not "crying in the corner because I am incapacitated and helpless"

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