to think you shouldn't judge?

[worrywortisworrying]

Unless you are looking at a 3YO smoking, or a 7YO going on a date with an 18YO, you probably SHOULDN'T judge?

My DS has HFA. His behaviour can be terrible. I've grown used to dealing with peoples reactions to it. But it does get me. Why should people feel they have to judge? Does it make them feel better?

To me, it's like an alcoholic saying 'I'm not that bad, cos look at that person... they drink more than me' that is... we love to look at people who we deem to have worse parenting skills than we feel we do, because that makes us feel good.

Why do people feel the need to judge others?

"why do we feel the need to judge others" most probably to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

I think everyone judges others rightly or wrongly to some level, I think that's human nature. I know I have been guilty of it before now.

What's HFA?

Agree with Sirzy about why people do it.

Do you never judge people worry?

Maybe it's not 'judging' most of the time, more like an initial reaction to something that is alarming or different. Human nature dictates that we respond to anything different, we can't control an initial reaction - we can however control anything after that first split second.
Any continuing response again may not be judemental; it may just be pondering...

HFA = High Functioning Autism (or so I found out the other day)

What exactly is it they're judging OP?

High functioning autism?

Or are you angry about people judging within your "norms?" So a 3 year old smoking is BAD and we are allowed to "judge." What about a 15 year old who smokes and dates an 18 year old? Still illegal - but should we judge? Are you the queen on what we can and can't pass judgement about?!

Every single person on the planet judges on the basis of the information available to them at some level. Fact.

So yes, you're BU.

sixlostmonkeys excellent post

I'm tired of people who appear to believe they can parent my child better than I can / am doing.

I'm sick of the 'AIBU to judge XXXX or YYYYY' posts. Well, basically, yes, unless you are talking about seriously odd behaviour, you probably are BU.

So you want to totally eradicate a core component being human do you? Ok. Let us know how you get on with that one.

I know how you feel but you are sort of judging them for judging you. You don't know they're judging or if they're trying to help.

I came across an obviously autistic child screaming at his mum to push a trolley. I stopped and started saying how much fun DS was having riding in it. She looked upset and said he was autistic and I said I know so is DS and it was ok.

Some woman was staring at DS in town once he was squealing and flapping and getting worked up. I was about to ask if I could help her and she came over and asked if she could do anything

Now of people tut or say something nasty perfect the glare and try to ignore. Although I have been known, after a full day of continuous meltdown, to lose it slightly with someone.

No, fart, I would like them to stop feeling superior and posting about it.

Unless that, too, is a core component of being human.

The last time I judged it was an obviously drunk bloke taking a 3 year old swimming. Please let me know if this is acceptable to you?

Grow a rhino skin OP. I loathe people gawping, but I just figure if they can't work out that something unusual is going on then they're not worth bothering with.

I also console myself with thinking they'd probably last about 2 seconds.

There are lovely people out there, don't waste your energy on the idiots. See your child as a filter to the people worth knowing. Mind you it's taken me about 12 years to get to this point.

Oh and if they're really gawping I mouth 'don't stare' at them. It works.

OP, I see what you're saying and I think people are being harsh to you.

I make snap judgements (I think everyone does) but I am quite careful to not let those form into actual judgements and I force myself to think a nice and positive thought about the person I have judged (yes, I am a hippy twat, I went on a mindfulness course a while ago.)

I might disagree with what someone does, but I try to accept that they have their reasons and that I don't know their circumstances.

Having been judged plenty myself for my behaviour, I try not to do the same to others.

It is human nature to judge. Otherwise how can we decide what is right and wrong?

I'm not saying it is right to judge and then spew vile about ill thought out and ignorant view points, but on the whole when presented with a unknown situation the human brain needs to understand what just happened. We can do that internally, think it through and get a grasp of it, but sometimes other questions spring up that we need to discuss.

It is at this point that we air our thoughts (in the case of MN specifically) ask for other's opinions and form our own educated opinions.

Of course there will always be absolute numpties who take the judging to the extreme, but we can mentally hit them with sticks

Saintly I love your suggestion. I will use that one.

Dozy I totally agree with your post. So often on here people say "she gave me a nasty look" and I think, well, how do you know? You can't ever know the intention of how someone is looking at you.

The other day I was looking at a man who had a disability, he was carrying his wheelchair up some stairs. I was looking because I couldn't tell if he had someone with him, I wasn't sure if I could lift the chair, and I didn't know if he, as a man, would be offended by a puny woman asking him if he wanted help. So maybe he might have thought I was staring, but I was just taking a couple of seconds to assess the situation. Someone asked before I could in the end anyway, and he was fine.

Yes OP - you see - you are only assuming people are judging and that is your problem and nobody else's. They may be having any number of thoughts which you will never know about. If you are advocating nobody ever looking at you, ever, then you need to get a grip. Everyone looks at everyone but YABU to think you know what they are thinking.

I saw a 11/12yo boy drinking stella as he walked down my street with his mate at 4pm yesterday.

I work with incredibly vulnerable kids with all sorts of issues. I care for them and don't judge them for their behaviour. I know the ins and outs of how this situation could arise.

I was still shocked. Like sixmonkeys says, it's just a reaction to something outside the norm.

But aren't you judging people who judge?

worry this is clearly a raw issue for you at the moment. Yes some people will judge and some people won't. The main issue is who cares, let them judge, if some random stranger who I will never meet again, wants to form an erroneous opinion about me good luck to them, I couldn't give a damn.

I think one practical issue you may face is that some of the behaviours arising from your DS's HFA may look similar, to the untrained / inexperienced eye, to typical "bad" behaviour in children so they assume he is behaving badly instead of recognising that perhaps he has reached the threshold where he can't cope anymore because of his HFA.

I just can't get worked up about the views of random people who aren't in full possession of the facts anyway except on MN of course

And doesn't asking aibu require others to make a judgement?

Yes yabu or no yanbu?