to think you shouldn't judge?

[worrywortisworrying]

Unless you are looking at a 3YO smoking, or a 7YO going on a date with an 18YO, you probably SHOULDN'T judge?

My DS has HFA. His behaviour can be terrible. I've grown used to dealing with peoples reactions to it. But it does get me. Why should people feel they have to judge? Does it make them feel better?

To me, it's like an alcoholic saying 'I'm not that bad, cos look at that person... they drink more than me' that is... we love to look at people who we deem to have worse parenting skills than we feel we do, because that makes us feel good.

Why do people feel the need to judge others?

Well when people shake their head at you, say "EXCUSE ME" (that's always for standing two inches to the side of where they should be standing in a queue) or tell your child to 'fuck off', or scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?',at them I think you can pretty much tell what is going through their head.

I think some of you really have no idea what it's like to be on the receiving end of comments and tuts and sighs when your child is doing their best. Your picturing your situation of having a child who behaves within the realms of 'normal'. Rather than one who looks 'normal' but (in my case) can't talk or behave 'normally'.

Of course, as I said in my post, for every vile piece of pondlife there are lovely people as well.

There's judging and there's judging though isn't there?

I don't judge people who judge. I just don't do it myself. Others are entitled to do what they like.

You can say YABU without judging someone. To me, judging is something nastier than disagreeing. "No you shouldn't wear your sunglasses on your head to a job interview" isn't the same as "What kind of dozy mare are you to even begin to think that that is normal behaviour?"

The boy across the road has HFA, his behaviour is still often shocking to me (in terms of violence), I am not judging the parenting skills, I try to assess the danger for my DC, and if it gets to bad (biting, punching) I remove them from the situation.

I would be crazy NOT to try and judge the situation. So yes, I look (stare) at him a lot to be able to see how in control of his emotions he is at that moment.

What I hate is the assumption that badly behaved child = crap parent.

imo, many children who are "badly behaved" have behavioural issues and are, in fact, being parented pretty well .

Chandon, you are judging the situation, not the boy or his parents (I hope). That is completely different.

In terms of the AIBU being judgey (sp?) they do give other viewpoints / issues which I would never have considered, in RL that has made me less judgey. For example older children in pushchairs, I now don't do a mental cats bum face but remember that it can be down to a number of reasons.

siantlyjimjams, you're right I don't have any idea what it would be like to be on the receiving end of it in RL.

I think raising the question is valid, YANBU.

Worrywort, I totally sympathise - I have a son with Aspergers and have been on the receiving end of much judginess. Have you seen those cards you can get from NAS, that you can hand out to any gawpers which explain your child's condition. I find they help, as does although I expect I'll be judged on that!

I see your point trying

I think I know where you're coming from, OP. Lots of people seem to lack the ability or desire to see the world from a different perspective from their own.

This shows up on here in the fighty threads, e.g. bf / ff, sahm / wohm, etc. I've seen posters who imply that what works for them should work for everyone else, not taking into account different circumstances.

Maybe you just need a MN break?!

I do judge people to the the extent that I think " I wouldn't do that" but I can't truly judge anyone until I have been in their exact situation, with those exact circumstances. Ive seen people smacking their kids, seen heels on 6yo, babies with pierced ears, thats their choice, and represents a tiny part of their parenting, who knows, but the respectable looking person I saw with the quiet kids walking just behind the woman with the baby with pierced ears might be subjecting their kids to emotional abuse.
You just can't judge people based on what you see!

I judge

That's where i get my standards

saintlyjimjams I haven't had to go through the experiences you have and I don't underestimate how hurtful it must be.

I think sometimes people process a situation by fitting it to the most familiar pattern and react accordingly. One day I was standing at a bus stop when at first glance what appeared to be a white transit approached with a lad shouting out of the passenger window. My first reaction to think "sexist lout" then as they got closer I realised it was minibus full of young adults with disabilities and the lad was actually just shouting hello and waving. I'm glad I paused before reacting so my response was a smile and a wave rather than something negative. If I had gone with my initial reaction I would have been very wrong indeed.

What I'm trying to get at is that a parent of a child with autism will recogise a pattern of behaviour as a child with autism not coping with a situation because they have seen it before. A parent of an NT child may have only seen similar behaviour when their child is misbehaving so will assume it is bad behaviour because that is their experience.

People judge. It is a natural, human reaction.
It is what people do once they have judged and how open they are to changing their initial judgement that counts.

Judgment can be a good thing. It is how we work out what to do in a situation.
It is those that are closed to any other possibitlies that cause problems.

Posting about judgements is a good thing. If they are kept in someone's head how can they be challenged.

I have seen people change their minds many times on MN. The post something, people give varying points of view, a lightbulb goes off - good result.

There are a few people who refuse to budge but they would anyway. They are always going to be 'right'

This is because a.it makes them feel better about themselves (eg those who need to justify their choices by denigrating others), b. it absolves them from any responsibility (eg. poor people are lazy), c. they have an agenda (eg egotistical, self seeking polititcians looking for a cause)

That's true Chaz. Although I think that now ds1 is a non-verbal teenager it should be pretty obvious really. And also I used to try and explain if I saw a reaction 'sorry he's severely autistic and doesn't understand', and got a 'well he shouldn't be doing that' so often I no longer bother ('that' was never very much tbh).

Some people get it (they're great), some people don't (if they stay away from us, we're happy).

I sometimes have to calm down one of my helpers in particular - a few times she has been livid at people's reactions. The first time she was on the receiving end of a horrible reaction (ds1 was jumping up and down on the pavement excited to see a shutter - it was on an out of town shopping centre, on an empty pavement, he was smiling, happy and not in anyone's away - no need for any sort of reaction) she was shaking for about an hour afterwards.